Discrimination - So Apparently We Make Awful Parents Too

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[To view article, Google "Raised by Autistic Parents | Mathijs Koenraadt". It should be the first link to show up. I am not allowed to post direct links yet...]
I myself did not know this.
Seeing as my comments would most likely suffer the same fate as the others, I decided to screenshot them.
What do you think, was my response justified? I could not read the article in its entirety. I mostly skimmed here and there. It may not be fair of me to respond without giving it my full attention, but honestly some of the claims seemed ridiculous to me.. Maybe I am just extra offended due to pregnancy hormones. I have enough struggles just having to prove myself harder than everyone else and being deemed incompetent.. without needing to see this too. I was looking up "when both parents have aspergers" in Google to see the rate of it being passed down... [According to my doctor, two aspies reproducing together is rare...]
I think I got the gist of it, though.. They basically think we should not have children. :/


[Sorry if I accidentally made more than one thread... I was having a hard time figuring out why it wouldn't go throguh. I am aware the picture was resized a lot, but you can right click and hit view for a larger version.. Sorry about that too...]

Don't let it get to you. Utter nonsense.

"autistics cannot relate to their children emotionally".

Anyone that knows me will know that the connection I have with my daughter is exceptionally strong, and very intuitive. We understand each other very well. She's very much understood and nurtured.

I know for a fact that very few other parents find this connection as 'easy' as I do, or find parenting as smooth. Other areas of my life have their challenges, certainly, but parenting just 'clicks' and I can actually communicate with my daughter in a way that I can't with anyone else.

Truth is, the author of that article is clearly extending a personal experience to everyone. And if he's grown up with an autistic parent and it's been a terrible experience, he will have grown up believing that autism is to blame. It's understandable, though not pleasant. Sadly, the only way he would learn is to see others and learn from them, which he doesn't seem keen to do.

If this is your first pregnancy and articles like this make you worry about your ability, don't. Hopefully you, like I, will find that your child is the one that can get through your autism and find a way to connect with you on the deepest of levels. And that's absolutely wonderful.

I don't think their is anything their is in that article that you can't rise above. But yes their can be a reasonable concern about being a parent with autism. Things like cues can be very important for figuring out a child's needs and an autistic parent may not be able to figure out those. In addition the autistic parent may also struggle to understand how their child feels and their behavior. Such can create tremendous struggles when it comes to parenting. In addition because an autistic adult and a neurotypical child are so vastly different it might be harder to connect and give support during hard times. I have no doubt that many very persevering autistic adults have gotten beyond this but this problem does exist.

So they don't let newbies post links?

You have to make at least 5 posts before being able to post links. It's supposed to stop spammers posting links and has always been that way.

The link is here:

http://www.mathijskoenraadt.com/essays/raised-by-autistic-parents.html

So far it's a load of crap though. Complete with links to FAAAS, The Neurotypical site and ASPAR, the usual suspects. The funny thing is, is that Judy Singer is often cited as the "founder" of Neurodiversity (she's not but apparently she did coin the term along with Harvey Blume), but few people know that she's no longer really considered an ally of the movement.

I actually read the whole thing and it looks like something I often read in raisedbynarcissists subreddit on Reddit. I often see these similar stories on there except it's not about autism, it's about narcissism. Perhaps the author got narcissism mixed up with autism same as for the people on ASPar.

And that one part where someone described their father's paranoia sounded a lot like paranoid schizophrenia.

Also he even quotes things from Tony Attwood's book on Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome so maybe we just need to accept the truth than denying this doesn't happen?

I think talking about your personal experience being raised by an autistic parent is fine because it's your story, your experience but yet it's politically incorrect to have been abused or neglected by an AS parent but yet it's more acceptable to be abused or neglected by someone who is a narcissist or has borderline personality disorder or any other personality disorder so you aren't being a "bigot" and hateful but if your parent is autistic, oh no you're a bigot and not understanding so therefore you must keep quiet about your parents being autistic so you won't be retruamatized and retriggered and people won't see you as the bad guy. Also never identify them as aspie. That is what I have learned.

Are there aspie parents out there who are bad parents? Of course just like there are none aspies out there who are bad parents but some people just have something to blame it on, AS instead of on their parent a sh***y parent who weren't meant to have children. But yet there are books and webpages out there to justify it and even Tony Attwood supports it. But like I say it seems to be politically incorrect to be mistreated by an aspie parent because people with ASD never take it well when they read negative stories by people being raised by someone whom they think is on the spectrum. But if the parent were a narcissist or had BPD or any other personality disorder, they would be given support and sympathy from ASDers. So I have learned do not say your parent had autism when you talk about neglect from them and abuse or else you will not get sympathy and you will be retriggered again. Same goes for having an aspie partner too, just don't mention their autism, just don't.

Lot's of people quote Tony Attwood but that doesn't mean that they aren't misconstruing what he said or quote-mining him out of context. Have you forgotten about that ASAN campaign in 2009 to get him to dissociate from FAAAS because of that issue? I know for a fact that he does not support the idea that aspies cannot be good partners or parents, he said so in a response letter to that campaign.

It's extremely sad to read these hateful, derisive comments on a very serious piece. Unlike adults with autism, young children of autistic parents cannot join online forums to seek help. This thread's conclusion -- "discrimination" -- is a jump neither made nor suggested in the original article. The article wants children of autistic parents, e.g. neurotypical children who have suffered and continue to suffer into adulthood, to find healing for their traumata. It's sad that, apparently, to the users of this board it does not even get through to your heads what extreme emotional traumata your conditions can impact on others. Which is of course why you are autistic. It's even sadder that users of this board rather than helping each other to gain such a deeper under standing of others, you seem to insulate yourself from the rest of the world. This board appears to reinforce its members state of denial, justifying it through ridicule of and hatred for neurotypicals, even children. Sad. Just very sad.

Presumably you are the author?

Nobody is invalidating any suffering that you experienced. However, your experience will not transfer automatically to every other child of an autistic parent. (And they say WE have trouble with theory of mind! )

You can't say 'children of autistic parents' is the same of 'neurotypical children who have suffered'. The second can be as a result of the first, but it isn't a given.

If people insulated themselves from the rest of the world, and didn't want to gain understanding of others, they certainly wouldn't be reading or commenting on your article.

Just as well there are so many manuals then.

Who knew so many parents were autistic.

Exhibit B.

MIL is diagnosed with ASD.
So is her son (my husband).

He says she has all the nurturing skills of an egg laying reptile.

So much for same diagnosis means acceptance.

It has been in the last few years, that he has let some of his issues with her go. I've encouraged it, because who likes dragging a bag of s**t around every where you go?

My husband has more social awareness than his mother, which stunning since his is pretty bad.

My MIL thinks she was this wonderful, caring, interested parent. I've known her since I was 19. That is not her personality. She is very VERY rigid. Trouble with any tiny deviation of schedule. Totally out of the loop regarding her kids' school situations. It was more cluelessness than deliberate. His mother isn't really present, and she lives by scripts in her head. There is nothing spontaneous about her. Her anxiety has been always over the top almost boarding on a melt down.

My husband's NT siblings have much less issues with their mom, because they wrote her off as crazy years ago before her diagnosis. My husband really struggles and keeps saying, "She should have known." Sigh...she has Autism and her blind spots are as big a whale. All his issues with her are really because of her autism.

She filled out my husband's family history form for his ASD diagnosis. Everyone else's was pretty much the same. My MIL's read like it was from totally different family and different kid. I doubt she was "rewriting history", because she doesn't have a devious bone in her body.

I read the article. I'm sure there are s**t parents with autism, just like there are s**t NT parents. I consider it more a POV piece. Who am I do say the writer is wrong? It the writer's life through that prism.

I have bipolar disorder. If I got into a foaming rage every time an article shows bipolar disorder in less than a flattering light, I would be dead from a stroke.

The article isn't a research paper. One person's opinion, and everyone is entitled to an opinion.

Another example is great. As you say, though, it's just one person's opinion.

And the article could be that, too, and would be valid and I'm sure we would all feel terrible about what the author had to go through. Nobody should have to feel like they've been through a 'lifetime of emotional neglect'.

That said, I think the difficulty comes with the generalising claims made.

- But parents suffering from an autism-spectrum disorder are having a great difficulty understanding their children’s needs. It doesn’t occur to them that crying children can be hungry, lonely, in need of a loving touch, or may signal physical pain. To them, children are things.

- When autistics attempt to raise normal children, by definition that amounts to abuse. That's because autistics cannot relate to their children emotionally. This emotional neglect causes severe psychological distress, especially in an ongoing traumatic relationship the child cannot escape from. Moreover, autistics never notice their child's suffering, or worse, they accuse their child of willful disobedience, and punish it.

The author's mother was clearly going through more than just autism, hurting him and ignoring his pain. Barking orders. Not paying attention to his needs.

Understandably, he would want to find closure.

I think the issue comes from the generalisations, which again could be understandable, being then followed by directly 'attacking' anyone that comments with an opposing view.

The person that created this thread is a pregnant woman, presumably a little worried about what being a parent will bring. She's commented saying that she disagrees - something she has the right to do - and rather than opening a discussion the author of the article has told her that she is going to be an emotionally abusive parent. This claim based on nothing.

Nobody's going to get into a 'foaming rage' about it I'm sure, but the person that started this thread has a right to give her thoughts.

I did forget about that and now I remember he was speaking something against it. I will have to google it to refresh my memory. Did he say something against CAD too?

I believe any child who has suffered any abuse or neglect should seek support and continue getting it throughout their adulthood to heal.

I also think people with autism should read about child development and learn about the importance of love and affection they need and validation and praising so they can grow up to be healthy people. Its true for any disorder that it can affect any child and this is something everyone with a disability or mental illness should consider before having children.

I am more concerned with the off chance that the autistic condition will be passed down.