would like to marry my boyfriend

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Hi, I'm mixed AS/neurotypical according to the tests I've taken, and my boyfriend is probably the same. He has more withdrawal/silence/isolation/stimming traits and I have more sensory symptoms.

I'm really happy being with him! It is so wonderful. We both love cuddling. We are accepting of each other more than any of our other partners have been. We really don't argue; we just talk through things. We talk about getting married in a few years.

He says he would happily marry me now except he wants to make sure his feelings are still there and consistent, so he wants to date at least as long as his other relationships were (2.5 years) before getting married. We've been together about 1.5 years.

We would plan to live separately since we like time alone, which might make it less stressful for us.

Is there anything I can do to make it more likely he'd feel comfortable marrying me? I'm pretty low-key and accepting to him and he cried once telling me that he's never had that before so much.

I read a bunch of books giving advice to women on getting your boyfriend to propose. Some of it's a good idea in general, like having your own life, keeping up your appearance and interests and friendships. Some of it, I don't think would work for us. If I left him after 3 years and said "if you haven't wanted to marry me yet I guess I should move on," as some advice suggests, I think it would hurt him a lot, since it would be punishing him for something I hadn't even told him I wanted? A lot of the advice in neurotypical relationship books seems to be about hiding your motives, messing with other people's emotions, etc. When I've tried it in small ways, he doesn't like it and he's gotten angry about it, and told me he's been hurt before and please not to trigger him about leaving.

The other issue is that he doesn't really initiate a lot of relationship stuff on his own; most people he dates, it's because they approach him and try to make it happen. He's pretty passive and in a feminine role with me (we are both pretty androgynous). He brought up marriage in general before me but like, knowing him, I'm not sure if he'll actually ask me to marry him, even if he wants to marry me in general, if that makes sense. He joke-asks me frequently like, "hey do you think we should elope" when going through personal crises (I say "sure).

My honest way I'd handle it would be to talk about our feelings on it occasionally and frankly, discuss our concerns or what we'd hope to gain from it rationally, and see if there were ways to gain those things in the meantime, or make it less risky to be married if we were going to do it, or make it more likely to succeed etc. Rather than this neurotypical manipulation stuff in the books I read. This is in the long run - I agree it would be good for us to date at least 2.5 years before deciding on it.

anyway, would be interested in your thoughts!

You could do what one aspie girl did when she was disappointed her boyfriend hadn’t yet proposed: sit in the middle of the floor at 3 AM, rocking back and forth, banging things and throwing small objects. Then sobbing in a theatrically loud manner when that wasn’t enough to wake boyfriend up. When he finally did wake up, told him: “I’m sad we aren’t engaged.”

I married her but I still wished she’d just proposed to me, I would have liked that and would have been relieved.

Seriously though respect his 2.5 yr. "goalpost" and wait. And then if things are still going well, and since he likes you to be aggressive in the relationship anyway... Propose to HIM.
Don't drop hints or listen to the passive-aggressive BS a woman is "supposed" to do. Just go for what you want, the husband/fiance you want.

Thanks. That might be a good idea about proposing to him if it gets to be more than 2.5-3 years and he hasn't.

He likes to cross-dress and he's said if he got married he'd want to wear a wedding dress, and he likes wearing rings (I can't wear them for sensory reasons) and being generally passive, so maybe he would like it if someone proposed to him. He's said before that he would love it if a woman just organized the entire relationship for him, during its whole course, and his best friend agreed. and I wouldn't really request anything other than just getting legally married at the courthouse unless he wanted it (we aren't into big weddings).

What would make me hesitate to just propose after 2.5-3 years without any other discussion is that he makes a lot more money than I do. I've had chronic Lyme disease since college and while I make enough to come out even, I've never been financially comfortable and might never be on my own. I work part-time for myself and get a lot of injuries and health issues that make it hard for me to work more than that or in a regular job. He's a programmer and makes six figures.

He's said he feels like he has more to lose if we get married than I do ... so I feel like if I just proposed without us understanding how it would benefit both of us, it would seem like I was just asking for a favor from him.

In reality I help him a *lot* and he says he would likely be dead if he hadn't met me, and I've helped him do some things like finding a new apartment he really likes that he was nearly incapable of doing himself (possibly from Asperger's symptoms) and I've helped him with his mental health issues. so I'm valuable to him too.

It's just that I can provide what I give to him without us being legally married, whereas a lot of what he could provide for me in terms of health insurance (it would enable me to start actually seeing Lyme and mold doctors again, that I can't afford without private health insurance) and security (like sharing retirement planning) requires us to be married. We don't have domestic partnership in our state as an option. That discrepancy really bothers me, feeling like I have different incentives than he does.

When it comes to most things we are transparent about our motives and feelings; and it feels like a burden for me that I feel like getting legally married could be better for me than it is for him, at least on paper to begin with (not counting the value and benefits we would give to each other over a lifetime of being partners - I think that would be good for both of us). I've been freaking out about the apparent imbalance in how much it would benefit us, that's why I read all the neurotypical books and am trying to think of how to handle it even though it's not really an issue for another year or two.

That he likes to cross-dress and you’re cool with that is an amazing thing. Don’t get me wrong, in an ideal world it wouldn’t be a big deal, but in this one… I think your acceptance is a big plus. I’ve seen such tragedies in my wife’s family with hatred and rejection of trans and gender-nonconforming people, that I have to think that level of acceptance is a real blessing. I hope he realizes that.

The income discrepancy is a real issue because it’s an issue for him. My biggest concern would be that maybe he doesn’t value your intangible help and support as much as he should. My wife was unemployed when we got engaged and married, but I never used it against her or as a bargaining chip.

This emphasis on his income could be because of his ASD and a very rational, materialistic way of looking at things… but then it likely will not change, and you have to deal with that likelihood.

The only thing you can do is wait the 2.5 yrs., talk to him in the meantime, and make sure he wants to be married before you do anything. You can’t take action if he’s iffy or evasive. When the time seems right, tell him you want this and you are willing and happy to take charge--but he must want it also.

If the 2.5 yrs. passes and he’s still iffy and still reminding you of his greater income and worrying about his personal net loss, then don’t get married. Then you have to decide to stay with him just as boyfriend/girlfriend thing, unfortunately.

thanks, that helps me to think through it

Yes I love that he cross-dresses and help him find new dresses/nail polish/leggings/etc.

He's said money doesn't matter that much to him and he's fine with taking care of me financially, and he's even offered me large amounts of money at times which I've turned down since I thought it would be unreasonable (it was early in our going out). He gets annoyed by how much money he has since it makes him have to think of how to invest it (something I'm good at).

The time he said he felt he had more to lose than me if we got married, it was in the context of him saying he really wants to be sure his feelings will last longer than with his exes, where he burned out on them after about 2.5 years (just stopped being that into the relationship and withdrew til they broke up with him).

I think an issue with his exes was that they weren't on the spectrum, and they didn't understand the ways he communicates (at least 50% nonverbally - we have conversations where he says maybe one sentence, and I get the rest from his body language), so they weren't hearing how he felt, and so I think it burned out after a while since he wasn't getting to express himself. He's said there are things he can tell me that he didn't tell them and it's easy to express himself to me somehow. part of it is that I have just recognized that he says a lot nonverbally when he's not able to communicate verbally, in terms of his other reactions. Most people assume if he's not speaking verbally he's not saying anything, and they miss a lot. He has a lot of nonverbal times (there was a thread on here on selective mutism that describes it pretty well).

So I guess my part to do is to make sure I listen to the ways he communicates, and keep it as far as I can an easy-going and fun relationship, so that like, ... he can feel secure that what we have is continuing year after year. and feel it out on how he feels after 2.5 years.

we are in our early 30s by the way, I think 2.5-3 years might be too short if we were in our mid-20s instead.

Well that sounds good then. I think you’ll know in 2.5 yrs and then hopefully he’ll realize you’re different than his exes.

My wife said she knew she wanted to marry me from the 1st date… She worked on me for 14 months to get me to propose. She would have preferred that I had done so sooner… I was 39 and she was 34 when we started dating.

Marriage is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make, so don't let society tell you what you're supposed to do or how you're supposed to do it. Create your own rules, the ones you need, the ones that work for you. There's no "right" way to create the life you desire.

He has set his rule: he wants to wait 2.5 years. Since you agreed to that arrangement, respect that rule. And don't fall for the standard advice of manipulating and using mind tricks. Not with him; if you see him as the man of your life, he deserves your full openness.

Of course, you get to set rules of your own. You both get to decide what societal traditions you want to ignore. It's your wedding, and your life. He likes to cross-dress? Good for him. You're happy that he does? Good for you. Nobody else's opinion should matter.

You know what societal tradition is really silly and can be done away with? That men are the ones who propose to women. When the time is up, and you're still happy with each other, you can take that initiative and propose to him. Because why on earth not.

You have a wonderful opportunity with this man, because from your description of the situation it appears that you can sit down and discuss everything. Negotiate what rules you want and how you'd like things to work. That space for building consensus is the most valuable asset in any marriage, and you already seem to have that. You'll figure the rest out.