Being Cheated On.

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I've started to write this like 4 times, never finish it. On december 2nd my partner of 19 years (we're both 36y/o) cheated on me. I discovered it because of an uber receipt, he was on a business trip, denied anything had happened for 48 hours, and eventually told me he had had sex with a 26 y/o. (He's NT).
Right now I think my relationship has been tainted, that he's no longer the man I love. As a gay couple I pried myself on the fact that we had been faithful to each other for so long. Now I can't come to terms with the fact that he had sex with someone else, that he lied for 48 hours, and that he acted so recklessly and cared so little about my feelings.
All my NT friends and family tell me that "anyone can make a mistake", I don't truly understand the meaning of that phrase. If I think rationally I don't think we should get divorced (we've been married for 2.5 years) because of this, but emotionally I just hate his guts for what he did to us.
As an aspie, I'm so afraid I won't be able to cope with it, and that I'll end up getting divorced.
Anyone (Aspie) has been cheated on and been able to overcome it?
Thanks SO VERY MUCH in advance.
(Sorry Bad english, spanish speaker here!)

My husband and I had this same conversation triggered by a TV show the other day.

I don't see how cheating can ever be a mistake or an accident. I could never forgive it. To me, the relationship would be over if my husband ever cheated. If he's not 100% committed to our relationship and wants to go elsewhere, I won't make that difficult, but I would expect to be told. I wouldn't want him going behind my back, being secretive, cheating, lying. I believe everyone deserves to be told "I want to try things with someone else", so that they can move on.

He, on the other hand, used this as an example of my black and white thinking. Though I trust him entirely, he felt that some cheating could be justified as accidental or as a mistake. He claimed that he could forgive, because he could at least understand how it could happen.

I couldn't see his viewpoint, no matter how long the discussion went on. He couldn't find a way to explain it to me, either. To me, you don't just trip and fall into bed - for however long in advance, seconds or even months, there has to be a decision to do so.

But, our conversation ended with us both agreeing that my perspective, though many NTs may share it, was definitely attributed in some way to my autism. That things were too clear-cut with me, and that many NTs would see the grey where I couldn't.

So, it may be that autism plays a part in this, but that doesn't mean that I could change my opinion simply based on the knowledge that most people would be more forgiving.

Personally, I would be ending the relationship. No second chances. I'd hope for continued friendship, if I could achieve that, but our relationship would be over.

I'm very sorry for what you're going through.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. That sucks.

Yes, it's true, people do make mistakes. They're not wrong.

But it's up to you how to handle his mistakes. A mistake can show the character of a person - or the lack thereof.

You are not required to both forgive and forget. You can forgive, but you don't have to forget.

If I were you, I would spend some time to myself to think about this so you can clear your mind. Then maybe talk to him about exactly why he did what he did. Was he bored? Was he lonely? Is he unhappy with the relationship?

Cheating hardly ever happens in and of itself - in other words, there's usually an underlying issue. I'm not saying it's your fault, because it isn't. But there may be something going on with him that he hasn't talked about.

Either way, it's up to you whether or not you can work it out. This will be something you will carry with you in your relationship now forever. It will color your relationship from here on out. You have to figure out if you can live with that.

All very true.

I admit I've been on both sides of this. Before I say anything else, I'll be the first to say that my cheating was entirely mine. I am the only one at fault, I alone bear the guilt for what I did.

My ex did not force me to cheat. My ex DID frequently yell at me. She DID often threaten to leave me. She DID manipulate me and provoke me until I lashed out. I felt unloved and unloveable to begin with, so the abuse combined with the rare girl who actually DID pay attention and make me feel good made cheating very easy to rationalize. The relationship had gone on too long and I was caught between feeling I was missing out and being afraid that I couldn't find someone as loyal as she was.

Again, I'm not trying to justify what I did. The relationship simply died sooner than either of us were ready to admit, and I believe I was guiltier of letting the relationship last too long than I was of cheating. My point is this is the kind of thing that can go through a cheater's mind. While my case might be more extreme than most, it takes very little to tip some people over the edge.

For example, the phenomenon of "stealing" a lover. I believe that women are independent and can make their own decisions. She's not my property and doesn't require my permission to see who she pleases. If I express my disapproval of her meeting another guy, then I'm instantly reviled as possessive, insecure, and having trust issues. In reality, feelings of possessiveness are not all that unusual. We are ALL insecure about SOMETHING. And it's not my SO that I mistrust. Men often do manipulate women into leaving their lovers or encouraging them to cheat. A manipulation technique as simple as negging works more times than we want to admit. We tend to focus on the woman as the victim here and the guy as a predator, right? So, yes, I trust my SO. But I can't say the same for other men. What my SO and I agreed on was there were certain boundaries not to be crossed and certain actions that are never appropriate for any reason (meeting MOOS without the other present, for example). So I tend to place more blame on the intruder than the cheater (and yes, I've been THAT guy). A mistake many cheaters make is projection. I avoid that by seeing cheaters as partial victims themselves of predators and placing the blame less on my SO and more on the offending party. I no longer cheat and never have to worry about her cheating because we live our lives in front of each of openly and transparently. We build trust and security by avoiding potentially uncomfortable situations.

As to breaking up a marriage, cheating is one of the few legit justifications for it in my opinion. I could eventually forgive my SO if it happened. To permanently dissolve the relationship, though? It would have to be something extremely catastrophic to be unredeemable. Having a baby with someone else, for instance. I'm not strong enough for that. And most people would say being forced to give up the baby would be unreasonable. But that's how I'd feel. And that would mean the biological father would always be in our lives on some level because of his rights to visitation. I could never live with that. I'd file for divorce on grounds and take her to the cleaners. I can't see any other exceptions that would end a marriage, but we're talking about things that are unimaginably awful. I have a hard and firm stance against NFD/ID because I think it's a crock. No differences are irreconcilable, and divorce always has someone at fault. In the case of the OP, I hate to say it, a divorce might actually be for the best I'm afraid.

Just remember this old saw if you take nothing else from this post: Once a cheater, always a cheater.