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leejosepho
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10 Jan 2017, 8:57 pm

Butterfly88 wrote:
“A ground-breaking theory suggests people with autism-spectrum disorders such as Asperger’s do not lack empathy – rather, they feel others’ emotions too intensely to cope.”

I totally think this is me.

Same here, and I have even had people tell me I am a "people person" (other-centered rather than self-centered and thus) affected by the struggles of others because I care too much! I do understand I do often *appear* to not be empathetic, but that is simply because I am not driven by emotion and I am pragmatic in trying to be helpful -- troubleshoot and repair -- rather than being touchy-feely dramatic and distracted by long, sad "story problems".


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Joe90
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13 Jan 2017, 12:51 pm

Zed90230 wrote:
AngryAngryAngry wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
I remember once an NT laughed heartlessly because her friend's cat died, all because she doesn't like cats. The friend got upset. I think that woman was lacking empathy in that situation because just because she hates cats it doesn't mean she should laugh at another person's misfortune of family cat dying. I don't like those little yippy dogs, in fact I hate them, but I still show love and interest if somebody shows me a picture of theirs and I feel sad for a person who's dog has died, because they loved their dog and I know that not everyone feels the same way as me.
Also I would want to see a little yippy dog hurt or killed, no matter how much I hate the sound of them.

Seems that person could be sociopathic, rather than NT.


Not sure about that... sociopaths can't love, but neither can they hate.


I don't think she was a sociopath, she was just being insensitive about cats and people who love cats.


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AngryAngryAngry
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17 Jan 2017, 3:28 pm

Zed90230 wrote:
Not sure about that... sociopaths can't love, but neither can they hate.


Sociopaths can have affection for things - things that entertain them, or provide other benefits. They can even mourn, but it is more annoyance & anger, without any other stages of grief - they move on quickly too with a replacement.

Sociopaths get pleasure from hate, so they certainly can hate.



NotAnEvilRobot
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25 Jan 2017, 5:14 am

To generalize, autistic people have emotional empathy in abundance, but largely lack cognitive empathy. We feel emotions just as much if not more so than NT's, and sometimes just differently, but recognizing those emotions in others can be problematic, especially if they're communicated with subtle cues or expressions. I've gotten better at recognizing distress in others, but it's still frustrating and confusing.


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wrongcitizen
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26 Jan 2017, 12:58 am

I actually disagree with this statement very much. I have an extreme (bordering on empathic) ability for empathy for certain people and all animals, and a lesser one for others. I have an ULTIMATE disgust for people who threaten or attack me in some way, like an insult, or someone who breaks a societal rule. I feel bad for people who I don't know and I have a desire to help them.

I'm also very often targeted by sociopaths. I've counted around 4-5 in my life that have gotten close to me only to turn around and destroy everything I've ever known. They are everywhere for someone like me. I am extremely psychologically vulnerable and I have very poor social ability so this leads to constant manipulation by people who REALLY lack empathy.



NotAnEvilRobot
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26 Jan 2017, 10:52 pm

I actually meant cognitive empathy in the way of specifically recognizing when someone's in distress and reaponding in a "socially appropriate fashion". I feel sorry for people too, but I have trouble determining when and who to openly comfort. Usually it's just a nasty surprise.


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TuesdaysChild
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28 Jan 2017, 10:57 am

The Asperger's diagnosis has only surfaced for me recently, but empathy is an area that finally began to make a lot of sense when it did come to light. Before knowing anything about any of this, I took an empathy test online and pretty much got the kind of score that I imagine a serial killer would get. I was also not as concerned with that as I somehow felt I should be. But I do internally experience the full range of emotions, so I can also say that having low empathy bothers me, and that I'm not too concerned about it also bothers me.

I consider myself to be a kind person, and I believe others think this as well. I don't wish anyone ill. I don't enjoy the suffering of others and would prefer a situation where they are happy. If I'm able to help someone, I will do it and I will feel a satisfaction that I was able to do something for them.

But generally when people are looking for empathy from me, I'm like a deer in the headlights. I have no idea what to say or do and end up giving awkward hugs or gratuitous pats on the back while throwing out a cliche or two such as time heals all wounds. I didn't even know what to say to my own siblings when our dad died. Heck, I didn't even know what to say to my dad himself even when I knew it was his last day in this life.

If I could somehow wave a magic wand and be better at empathizing with people I would do it. I'm not so callous as to not care that I don't emotionally relate to others in the way they need me to.


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mathiebrungrand
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28 Jan 2017, 11:13 pm

TuesdaysChild wrote:
The Asperger's diagnosis has only surfaced for me recently, but empathy is an area that finally began to make a lot of sense when it did come to light. Before knowing anything about any of this, I took an empathy test online and pretty much got the kind of score that I imagine a serial killer would get. I was also not as concerned with that as I somehow felt I should be. But I do internally experience the full range of emotions, so I can also say that having low empathy bothers me, and that I'm not too concerned about it also bothers me.

I consider myself to be a kind person, and I believe others think this as well. I don't wish anyone ill. I don't enjoy the suffering of others and would prefer a situation where they are happy. If I'm able to help someone, I will do it and I will feel a satisfaction that I was able to do something for them.

But generally when people are looking for empathy from me, I'm like a deer in the headlights. I have no idea what to say or do and end up giving awkward hugs or gratuitous pats on the back while throwing out a cliche or two such as time heals all wounds. I didn't even know what to say to my own siblings when our dad died. Heck, I didn't even know what to say to my dad himself even when I knew it was his last day in this life.

If I could somehow wave a magic wand and be better at empathizing with people I would do it. I'm not so callous as to not care that I don't emotionally relate to others in the way they need me to.


I think that it is completely normal to not know what to say under those circumstances. How can you possibly have words to express how you are feeling or attempt to say something to comfort someone in such a time of great loss? Many of the things that you are supposed to say don't really seem to make sense to me. I was in the same situation, and people would say things like, "everything happens for a reason" or "he is in a better place now." But are they not taught to say those things? I don't know if they actually mean them, because how can they know if they are true? My mom explained that they were just trying to be nice, but.. it is a social rule to try and offer comfort when people are in pain, usually through commonly repeated phrases. If you do not, you are viewed as cold or insensitive. Don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes, there is nothing that you CAN say. I try to be supportive in my actions, not my words. I probably won't say much, but listening and just being around is often very helpful.


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TuesdaysChild
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29 Jan 2017, 10:30 am

mathiebrungrand wrote:
I think that it is completely normal to not know what to say under those circumstances. How can you possibly have words to express how you are feeling or attempt to say something to comfort someone in such a time of great loss? Many of the things that you are supposed to say don't really seem to make sense to me. I was in the same situation, and people would say things like, "everything happens for a reason" or "he is in a better place now." But are they not taught to say those things? I don't know if they actually mean them, because how can they know if they are true? My mom explained that they were just trying to be nice, but.. it is a social rule to try and offer comfort when people are in pain, usually through commonly repeated phrases. If you do not, you are viewed as cold or insensitive. Don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes, there is nothing that you CAN say. I try to be supportive in my actions, not my words. I probably won't say much, but listening and just being around is often very helpful.


Yes, I agree with that. My sister didn't have anything earth-shattering to say, but she instinctively knows how to comfort people. Even with cliched advice, people still seem to know how to say it with affection whereas I say it like a robot, haha.

I felt bad because I was more tense and anxious about handling people's emotions than I was about my dad actually dying, which makes me feel self-centered and callous, but it's also out of my control. I can only control what I do with it on the outside. When my brother asked me if I wanted some time alone with dad before he passed (I was the only one of the four of us who hadn't had a private conversation with him in hospice), I told him no, I'm fine, I've said all the things I need to say...... which wasn't true. There's an ocean of things I would have said to him if I could stand telling people what I'm feeling.


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alltheabove
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03 Feb 2017, 4:48 pm

Butterfly88 wrote:
It's just a myth.

This is an interesting read:

THEORY FINDS THAT INDIVIDUALS WITH ASPERGER’S SYNDROME DON’T LACK EMPATHY – IN FACT IF ANYTHING THEY EMPATHIZE TOO MUCH

http://www.the-open-mind.com/theory-fin ... -too-much/

“A ground-breaking theory suggests people with autism-spectrum disorders such as Asperger’s do not lack empathy – rather, they feel others’ emotions too intensely to cope.”

I totally think this is me.


I have plenty of empathy! I just don't inituively understand people's feelings and intentions. I studied psychology so I'm really good at listening and validating how people. It's hard for me to just hang out with people.



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04 Feb 2017, 5:14 am

I often see facebook posts with titles like "10 Problems that Big-Busted Women Have" where people are complaining about their problems and hope that others will understand and show empathy. One of the hard facts I've learned about the world is that most people are too wrapped up in their own problems to care much about your problems. Other people are, quite frankly, not really interested in your problems, unless there is money to be made from them.

I'm saying this because I've come to believe that it's a fruitless effort to try to get people to understand me and to understand my problems. I've gotten much further by trying to understand other people and their problems. The saying works - "Seek first to understand, and then to be understood."


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17 Feb 2017, 3:44 pm

I have a very low Empathy score and am often I know viewed as 'heartless' or cold. I think in reality we Aspies are just more focused. We are not cold, nor are we sociopathic, but there is nothing more ridiculous than NT society, when it praises people who clearly randomly emote about things they can do nothing about. For instance, I care about the people close to me, but not about people I don't know or can't help. Too many people seem to believe exaggerated displays of emotion is a good thing. Much emotional behaviour is just narcissistic.



JLD
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19 Feb 2017, 4:13 am

i've often been told i have no empathy. I have empathy, but it doesn't blind my mind. I don't appreciate tendency of the modern western world to revel in emotional pornography. I have scorn to people who are too sensetive - sentimental people also are irresponsible. But i have emphaty to those who belong to my circle who shares my world view who are like me.



Joe90
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23 Feb 2017, 4:17 pm

I wish I had a bit LESS empathy. I'm sick of it. It really affects my work performance. I work as a housekeeper at a care home, and doing small jobs around people with Dementia is very difficult when you have too much empathy. I can't switch off my empathy. I find it hard to clean in a room where a resident with Dementia is in distress or is confused. I can feel their confusion or distress, and it must be awful for them, and I cannot block it out.
Some of the residents don't know where they are or why they're there, and they think in their minds that they are still independant and mentally able, and seeing a total stranger intruding their 'home' and moving their stuff and cleaning and all that must be so distressing for them. The other staff there just look at it from their own point of view and can block out the distress of the residents, but I can't. To the poor residents, I am some total stranger entering their property, and it feels like I'm committing a crime. I know I'm not, as I'm just doing my job, but the residents don't know that, even if I explain to them.
One of the residents tears up when she's trying to get out and you tell her she can't. I feel so bad because in her mind she is an independant woman with a job and a house and a young family, and she needs to get away from this strange building she's stuck in to live her life, so she's probably feeling more anxious and panicky than we think. What I know is she is an elderly lady with Dementia, and the care home is where she lives, and she retired years ago and her children are all grown-up and have children or even grandchildren of their own, and the year is 2017. But in her mind she's gone back to her young days. It's so sad. :cry:


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Mr_Miner
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24 Feb 2017, 1:32 am

I like to think I have empathy. My experiences have shown me what's like for people to be cruel. So I think it's easy for me to picture how that happens to other people. I remember being really mad as a kid because my dad and I would go downtown to a baseball game and I would see the homeless people. I'm from the suburbs we don't have those. They would ask for money and my dad would say no. He would say they will use it for drugs. I thought you do not know that, where will they sleep, how will they eat? Even as a small child I had these thoughts.

Now with current politics I feel so bad for certain people and the hate they get. I might not be able to understand what your words mean but I know you feel pain. Autism does not mean no feeling.



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24 Feb 2017, 2:40 am

Mr_Miner wrote:
I like to think I have empathy. My experiences have shown me what's like for people to be cruel. So I think it's easy for me to picture how that happens to other people. I remember being really mad as a kid because my dad and I would go downtown to a baseball game and I would see the homeless people. I'm from the suburbs we don't have those. They would ask for money and my dad would say no. He would say they will use it for drugs. I thought you do not know that, where will they sleep, how will they eat? Even as a small child I had these thoughts.

Now with current politics I feel so bad for certain people and the hate they get. I might not be able to understand what your words mean but I know you feel pain. Autism does not mean no feeling.


1 your dad was right. 2 the beggars usually have more money than you can imagine :) YOUR money :)
"current politics" - this is an illusion. All the same. In every time of history life is for STRUGGLE. Be courageous and go forward!