31 Dec 2016, 6:13 am
Sorry, this post has little to do with AS, but I could just use some advice. It also isn't directly related to LGBT stuff but I don't want any transphobic people replying which is why I put it in here haha 
So my friend has a relative who's 20 and FtM trans. I'm 16 and trans-questioning, and my friend's relative (let's call him R) has helped me a bit via email with issues such as coming out, buying a binder, etc. A few days ago I was at my friend's house and R was there too and we got on really well (I think at least) (we'd never met in person before). He is currently studying at a university I'm interested in, and he invited me to visit him there (by which I think he meant, to stay over there).
The problem is that my parents don't know I'm friends with him or have ever met him. This is because my parents strongly disapprove of me questioning my gender/IDing as trans, and they know that R is trans, so I decided not to tell them we had met in case they were angry with me. This means that it will be really difficult to arrange to meet R because my parents don't know we're friends and will think he's a stranger. I think it's very unlikely they'll ever agree to let me stay with R because a) he's trans and b) they don't think I know him.
I really would like to visit him because we got on very well and I think it would be fun. My idea is that I stay over with him when I go to an open day at his university. So has anybody got any ideas about whether this will be possible and how, if at all, I will be able to convince my parents and explain that I do in fact know him? Thanks 
goldfish21
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31 Dec 2016, 6:45 pm
This is a touchy situation.
It's like the advice often given to LGBT (alphabet kids) about their homo/transphobic parents.. if your parents are 'phobes and you don't feel comfortable coming out to them because it's not safe, don't! Just wait until you're able to get a job and leave home and be on your own. This is why so many gay youths are one their own and independent by age 18, to escape their hateful families.
As for your current scenario.. if your family aren't likely to accept and approve, if I were you I'd do one thing: Lie. It'd have to be a believable lie.. one that might involve your cousin or another friend. ie something like "Mom & dad I REALLY want to go attend this open house day at the University I want to go to, and it's an all (or two?) day thing and so so-and-so (cousin or friend ??) has invited me to spend a night or two with them nearby. Can I go??" And then cover your own safety bases by informing your cousin or a close friend of where you're actually going to be, when, and with who, and how to contact you/each other so that that way you know you're playing things safe for yourself vs. taking any risks you may regret. As far as your parents are concerned, you're safe. And then you'll also know you are actually safe as you have a backup plan or safety net in place with a trusted person who knows what your real plans are.
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for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.01 Jan 2017, 4:23 am
It's like the advice often given to LGBT (alphabet kids) about their homo/transphobic parents.. if your parents are 'phobes and you don't feel comfortable coming out to them because it's not safe, don't! Just wait until you're able to get a job and leave home and be on your own. This is why so many gay youths are one their own and independent by age 18, to escape their hateful families.
As for your current scenario.. if your family aren't likely to accept and approve, if I were you I'd do one thing: Lie. It'd have to be a believable lie.. one that might involve your cousin or another friend. ie something like "Mom & dad I REALLY want to go attend this open house day at the University I want to go to, and it's an all (or two?) day thing and so so-and-so (cousin or friend ??) has invited me to spend a night or two with them nearby. Can I go??" And then cover your own safety bases by informing your cousin or a close friend of where you're actually going to be, when, and with who, and how to contact you/each other so that that way you know you're playing things safe for yourself vs. taking any risks you may regret. As far as your parents are concerned, you're safe. And then you'll also know you are actually safe as you have a backup plan or safety net in place with a trusted person who knows what your real plans are.
Thanks very much for the advice! I am a very bad liar haha but if I spend a bit of time coming up with a convincing story beforehand it will hopefully be okay. Also that is a good idea for how to stay safe
The only problem is that I have no friends or relatives in the city where my friend lives, so no one to say I'm staying with... But it's still good to know that you don't think it'd be too bad of me to lie, that helps. Thanks!Also, I don't know if it's you in your avatar, but if it is then your hair is so so cool
goldfish21
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Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 41
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Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
01 Jan 2017, 10:28 pm
Thanks very much for the advice! I am a very bad liar haha but if I spend a bit of time coming up with a convincing story beforehand it will hopefully be okay. Also that is a good idea for how to stay safe
The only problem is that I have no friends or relatives in the city where my friend lives, so no one to say I'm staying with... But it's still good to know that you don't think it'd be too bad of me to lie, that helps. Thanks!Also, I don't know if it's you in your avatar, but if it is then your hair is so so cool
Sometimes the best thing to do with unaccepting parents is to lie or don't ask/don't tell. If you were to get caught in your lie, just be honest and tell them this was something you needed to do for you but you couldn't bring yourself to tell them because you knew they wuldn't understand and would likely be upset and you didn't want to upset them. I don't think any reasonable parent could get too upset with their child for not wanting to upset them. Depends how reasonable your parents are. If they're awfully transphobic people, maybe the best policy is to lie & deny, deny, deny, if they ever asked anything about it. Depends. I know my parents might be shocked at news like that, but they wouldn't abuse me or disown me.. if your parents are the type to be violent or kick you out of the house etc, then maybe you want to make sure they never ever find out.
Yeah, that was my hair two Summers ago for Pride. I stepped it up a notch and did this last Summer:
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for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.02 Jan 2017, 2:11 am
Yeah, that was my hair two Summers ago for Pride. I stepped it up a notch and did this last Summer:
My parents aren't violent or likely to kick me out, at least I don't think so. That's true that most parents wouldn't be angry about that. Okay. Thank you for your help
Wow, that's awesome, I love it
05 Jan 2017, 9:11 am
Yeah, that was my hair two Summers ago for Pride. I stepped it up a notch and did this last Summer:
My parents aren't violent or likely to kick me out, at least I don't think so. That's true that most parents wouldn't be angry about that. Okay. Thank you for your help
Wow, that's awesome, I love it
Granted I don't think any parent of an autistic child whether they be underage or adult are going to kick them out over something so minuscule. But you still have the issue of "having to live with them still". So if you can deal with your at home life becoming a bit more chaotic as a result of knowing your friend then so be it. I know the feeling though as an autistic adult who lives with their parents and who hides a lot from the parents as a result of a lesser problematic at home life.
05 Jan 2017, 12:23 pm
Yes, that's exactly it! However my home life is quite complicated already--I won't go into too much detail but I'll just say compared to some of my family's issues my AS is a really small deal. This means that if my parents knew about my friend it would cause more problems than it might in another family, including problems between my parents, etc. I don't mean to sound dramatic but am just stating facts. It makes me feel better that you can relate though so thank you
10 Jan 2017, 9:30 am
Yes, that's exactly it! However my home life is quite complicated already--I won't go into too much detail but I'll just say compared to some of my family's issues my AS is a really small deal. This means that if my parents knew about my friend it would cause more problems than it might in another family, including problems between my parents, etc. I don't mean to sound dramatic but am just stating facts. It makes me feel better that you can relate though so thank you
You are the same as me then. My family knows nothing of me being asexual or genderqueer and that makes life much easier then it would be. Remember only you know your parents and you know how they roll. If something will knowingly cause a problem its probably best left unsaid.
goldfish21
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Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,612
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
11 Jan 2017, 11:25 pm
Um, I don't mean to be rude but.. WTF?
How could you not think someone could be kicked out of their family home for having a secret forbidden friendship?
7% of the general population identifies as LGBT. 40% of homeless youth age 16-24 identify as LGBT. This is largely because they get kicked out of their family homes at higher rates than other kids and quite often it's over something as "minuscule" as this. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but something like this could be very dangerous for a young person with awful parents. They have to know their parents well enough to know what risk they're taking.
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