Mom/parent this IS an aspie

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I am new to this site.though it has always been part of me I was resently diagnosed with Aspergers. Or (ASD). Whatever it's called now. And I am also a mother to a toddler boy and toddler twin girls.
I have been searching EVERYWHERE for information about being a mom WITH Aspergers. All I can find is labels
"Aspie mom" "Aspergers mom" with articals about a mom with an aspie child...it's driving me nuts. All I want is information about being a mom/parent that also has Aspergers. Can some one point me in the right direction please?

I had things fairly controlled until I had kids. There's so many new sensory challenges. The screaming of three babies the smells not being able to stick to a schedual no alone time the lack of sleep.... not to mention how crazy the pregnancies were... I feel like I'm constantly trying to catch up on a marathon I'm miles behind. Any suggestions and/or good suggestions for reading?

http://autismwomensnetwork.org/motherho ... parenting/

http://www.autism-help.org/aspergers-sy ... dults.html

http://theneurotypical.com/parents-with-aspergers.html

This blog is really good:

https://musingsofanaspie.com/

The author has a lot of good articles about the female experience of autism, and she is also a mother, so she also thouches on challenges related to motherhood.

If you have anyone who can help you watch the kids a bit so you yourself get a bit of sleep and relaxation, that's a major thing.

Yes, it's really frustrating to see all the advice aimed at neurotypical mothers with autistic children, and then not finding one tiny article that deals with autistic mothers - never mind that autism runs in families.

Im not arguing I'm just trying to understand. Am I reading the last article correctly? It seams to list why aspies make bad parents and goes on to state that social workers should be involved? Seams to carry many inaccuracies lumping all aspies into one spacific personality? I know my parenting affects my children. I know my Aspergers "issues/trait" can effect them. That's why I'm looking for more info. I deal dith the meltdown day in and day out but Like many aspies I'm good at pretending I'm "normal". I hold it together to the end of the day when my husband gets home. But buy the end of the day it is a full on melt down. It took me a while to understand and believe that This doesn't make me a bad parent. I am a good mom and I believe with the right information I will be a great mom. My kids my family are my obsession.

This first one is quite helpful though and the second link doesn't work

There doesn't seem to be a lot of information out there. Perhaps it's up to us to create it.

Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done. I imagine that goes for neurotypicals as well.

Getting through early childhood with random sleep patterns, diapers, teething, etc. was brutal but OK. Better to do it younger if possible, you need all the energy you can get!

Middleschool and high shcool have been much worse. I don't really know how to help with the social stuff, anxiety or depression. I understand them because they mirror my own experience, but I don't think that makes me helpful as a parent, except perhaps in being able to commiserate deeply.

As my children have gotten older, I have found it harder and harder to post anything about them without feeling that I may be invading their privacy, so I have become a much less frequent poster here. But I share your situation (ASD parent with ASD kids) as do a number of other members.

Good luck. I hope we can all help each other to get through and do well.

There's a group for women who have aspergers where most of them are mothers. It's on FB. Women with autism/aspergers. There's another fb group specifically for mothers, but I can't remember the name.

Well, since medical science and society are just starting to catch on to the fact that there are a lot of female Aspies out there, and that we do in fact marry and have children with a much greater than previously estimated frequency, there really isn't a lot of scholarly information (and most of what there is is one-sided, so incomplete as to be essentially bogus, and discouraging as all hell).

I am, however, an Aspie (from a long line of them, thus suggesting that I've seen other Aspies parent) and a mother. Of four. Three girls (15, 7, and 4) and one boy (9). The Boy has pretty mild ADHD and pretty significant anxiety. The Middle Girl is a bona fide antagonistic pain in the tookus. The Baby spends a lot of time playing by herself, has little interest in interactions with same-age peers, does a lot of irritating tactile stuff, and may in fact be an Aspie herself, but we're not going to find out unless she needs academic and behavioral supports to get by in school.

Knowing hasn't done me much good; at this point in time, I see no reason to believe it would be beneficial for her either.

I can give you my experience, and my advice.

1) DO NOT WASTE YOUR ENERGY READING ARTICLES ABOUT WHY WE ARE DEFICIENT AS PARENTS. Just don't. It isn't going to change you (at least, not for the better). All it's going to do is sap away time and energy that you need to dedicate to yourself so you can dedicate it to your spouse and children, make you self-hating and depressed (which most of us are anyway, and researchers who have actually spent serious time with Aspies instead of publishing papers left and right know that self-hate and depression cause more problems than Asperger's), and completely destroy your confidence in your ability to do a VERY LONG, VERY DIFFICULT job that challenges the confidence of the most confident, most supported, most #soblessed neurotypical mother in existence.

Seriously. I was a way better mother before I read all this crap about how I'm just destined to be a terrible mother. Trouble is, now I can't get it out of my head. Can't get the mom I was before back. Can't stop thinking that it's hopeless. And that's time and energy that I'm not spending hugging my kids, playing games with my kids, talking with my kids, doing academic enrichment with my kids, being silly with my kids, appreciating my kids' achievements and mischief... YEAH. You see where this is going.

2) Don't try to imitate a neurotypical mother. You aren't one. You aren't going to be one. Moreover, half your kids' DNA is yours. They might not be NT either. The LAST thing they need, if that's the case, is a mother who thinks "normal" is the be-all and end-all.

I will tell you a story. I can't prove it, because he died the year I discovered the condition, but based on remembered observation and story, I am 99.99999% certain that my maternal grandfather had Asperger's. It took me years and years and years to realize this, because he certainly did not have a disdain for or disinterest in following social norms. Social norms were EVERYTHING to him. His entire world revolved around "What will people think??" Status was very important to him and to my grandmother both.

Their mental health was an absolute TRAINWRECK. My grandmother has more anxiety disorders than Carter's has little pills. All someone has ever had to do to make her fall to pieces is disapprove of her, or of one of her daughters, or of me. My grandfather drove himself certifiably insane, and I sincerely believe he did it worrying about being "good enough" and "normal enough." He was institutionalized twice, walked in his sleep and exposed himself to passersby, and lived on an extremely high dose of Xanax for the last 15 years of his life (and was a much happier man for it).

They TRASHED both their daughters' self-esteem and mental health-- and, based on story anyway, it didn't have a damn thing to do with being autistic. It had EVERYTHING to do with idolizing "normal" and constantly worrying about "good enough" and "what will people think??". My mother destroyed her life (literally-- she died of liver cancer that probably resulted from a Hep C infection that she probably picked up by sleeping with everything that sniffed around her skirt) trying to be "good enough." My maternal aunt pretty well trashed her kids. Neither of them want to reproduce (though I'm pretty sure the younger one is gay, so that's a valid reason that can't be attributed to poor parenting) and they don't have a very good relationship. What mental health her kids have is due to extensive interaction with their father's side of the family (coincidentally, they're Indian, and I think that has a lot to do with the fact that my aunt has a better relationship with her in-laws-- she doesn't feel so self-conscious not being 'normal' with them because they are from a completely different culture, so she can be 'just Suzy').

My mother did not trash my mental health. My maternal grandparents did not trash my mental health, although they pretty much raised me from the time I was 2 until I was 12 or 14. Reason?? My mother forbade them from driving all that "normality is next to Godliness" s**t down my throat. She demanded that they approve of me, affirm me, and do all that touchy-feely '80s self-esteem s**t with me, on pain of dragging me along through her string of abusive boyfriends if they refused.

Did they make mistakes?? YES. Turns out, unconditional positive regard also isn't the best thing in the world for a young Aspie. I was a Special Snowflake long before the term entered common usage as a pejorative. I grew up with absolutely no regard for social convention. I could have had an easier time socially if I'd been interested in mitigating some of my autistic traits before I was a teenager. But-- they didn't screw me up half as bad as they screwed up their girls. Compared to all the stuff I read about young Aspies today, I was remarkably social (I did HAVE friends) and remarkably mentally healthy. They did a shocking number of things RIGHT-- mostly because they quit obsessing about "NORMAL" and started interacting as PEOPLE with the child in front of them.

That's really all you have to do. Your children don't want your perfection (ever) or your bum-kissing wish-fulfilling worship (OK, they might actually WANT that, but it's not what they NEED) or at this stage in their development anyway your normality. They need your teaching and protection, and they want your interaction and your love. They don't care what flavor it is, as long as it's not cruel or violent or sexualized or pathologically over-indulgent.

Just be with them, and be you. Be what you would want them to know if they turn out to have it too.

3) The NT parent of an only child does not get everything perfect every waking moment for 18 years straight. Parenting manuals and Facebook be damned-- PERFECT DOES NOT HAPPEN. It isn't a goal; for all society has a knack for making it feel like an expectation that everyone is meeting but you, it isn't even on the radar. Read about my grandparents again. Shooting for perfect is the surest way to completely screw it up.

4) TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF. You have three toddlers. THREE. TODDLERS. Let that sink in. NT moms completely and totally lose their s**t over THREE TODDLERS (and most parents never go there-- we lost a pregnancy when DD7 was about 18 months old, and although there was grief I'd be lying if I said there wasn't relief as well). You have TWINS. MULTIPLES. Multiples are THE HARDEST THING. There's a reason why people with triplets and up get reality shows-- because that s**t is so comically hard that people will pay to watch it on TV. THREE TODDLERS, and MULTIPLES, aren't things that most moms every have to deal with. Unless you're doing the whole Quiverfull thing (and if you are, God bless you, but I burned my copy of To Train Up A Child and Large Family Logistics both, and for all I cherish the Duggar's right to live their lives as they see fit, I think some of their parenting choices have bitten them on the ass in a very public way, so the QF/P God wouldn't want you to take parenting advice from me).

TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF. However you have to. This isn't about shameless self-indulgence-- this is about keeping your oxygen levels and hydration up to run what is one MOTHER of a triathlon. If you have no support, no help, and nowhere you can take them to get away (I didn't, when I had an 8-year-old and either an ADHD toddler and a colicky, demanding infant or a 9-year-old, an ADHD toddler, and an antagonistic toddler-- and both toddlers were so active as to be a constant threat to their own safety, I mean I seriously swear the 7-year-old has no sense of danger and a death-wish), then either baby-proof the entire house (to the extent of bolting furniture to the walls and boxing up everything that can't be made safe and putting the knives in a padlocked box and wearing the key around your neck) and turn it into Toddler FunLand, or do that with just one decent-sized room, and invest in an excellent baby monitor and a good solid lock for the door.

Now, the point of this is NOT that you turn them loose or lock them in and ignore them all day. Obviously you can't do that. They have to be fed, and changed, and fed, and taught, and played with, and corrected, and fed, and corrected again, and hugged, and kissed, and all the myriad million endless needs of small children. The point of this is that you do allthethings until you're getting pretty damn frayed around the edges...

...and then you put them in Toddler FunLand (or, if Toddler FunLand is your entire house, turn your MommySenses down to 'minimum," with ear buds or shooters' muffs if necessary), set a timer for 20 minutes, and do something for you. I used to read a book, go out on the porch and smoke, call someone who cared, surf the Internet, grow a garden and can stuff-- it doesn't matter WHAT it is, what matters is that it replenishes your spirit (like special interests or quiet time tend to do). Now obviously you can't completely tune it out-- if you hear thumps and screams, you gotta investigate that (and if you hear silence, you REALLY gotta investigate that). You have to be able to see them or hear them (I used to take the inside handle off the storm door so they couldn't get out to me on the porch and watch through the glass) or both-- but unless someone is gagging soundlessly or bleeding quite a bit or unresponsive or wrapping something around their neck or something like that, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO INTERVENE.

Hitting each other with dolls?? OK. Kids do that. Pulling each others' hair?? Kids do that. All those horrid things that get children thrown out of daycare?? Kids do that. EVERYBODY's kid does that. Taking off their diaper and peeing on the floor?? This probably isn't the carpet time of your life, but it'll clean. Renting the Rug Doctor once a month for the next three years is cheaper than a week on a locked ward. Kids do that. And it's not like you're going to approve of the behavior-- no, you're going to IGNORE IT, just for now, and let them experience some natural consequences in a semi-controlled environment while you reset your internal thermostat back to "exasperated and annoyed" from it's current status just shy of "thermonuclear explosion". When the timer goes off and you are less ready to completely blow your s**t (or less ready to say "f**k it" for good and all), THEN you're going to wade into Toddler Hell, take the doll away, explain that "Teeth Are Not For Biting," (yes, I had a biter; yes, it was DD7 again), dole out consequences, change the diapers, fill the sippy cups, and generally make parent a verb again.

For those 20 minutes, you either glance at them through some kind of barrier (I had wet dreams about a Dutch door, but a storm door sufficed) or listen over the baby monitor. And unless someone's life is literally in danger, YOU DO NOT GET INVOLVED. You are running an endurance race. Ever read The Long Walk?? That's parenting. The goal is not to cross first, or cross with the best kids, or cross with the most honors. THERE IS NO FINISH LINE. This is a forever job. The goal is to get them to adulthood, ideally somewhere between 18 and 30, with prosocial behaviors and mental health and a decent relationship with their parents.

Wash, rinse, repeat. As long as they are fed and watered and changed and checked for injury and fever and affectionated and played with and you are present, you can take 20 minutes six times a day if you need to. Some days, you will need to.

5) This too shall pass. I didn't think it would. I seriously didn't think it would. I did not think we were going to survive. I wasn't quite seeing light at the end of the tunnel when we found out I was pregnant with DD4. And now the Terrible Twosome are 9 and 7, and The Boy helped DD7 do her math worksheet last night, and it wasn't even because I was out on the porch taking 20 minutes. They just wanted to. We made it, and they're alive, and they're OK, and they're mostly healthy and sane (other than the damage I did to The Boy by spending about a year and a half trying to make us a Perfect Family TM), and they're even pro-social. They get citizenship awards at school (though those might be pacifiers for their mother, who tends to call up to check in about twice a quarter). They have As and Bs (OK, DD 15 has a C in Spanish-- the horror!!) and haven't been suspended yet. The Boy doesn't even have special accomodations for his ADHD, other than making his teachers aware of it so they know to call him back to Earth every once in a while).

Lots of people (most notably my in-laws) told me what a sh***y mother I was. And all the research. But I'm going by the fruits. And, OK, they're not all the way done yet. And the fruits aren't perfect. But the fruits are all right.

And, if you're anywhere within a couple of hours of Pittsburgh, we need to have a playdate. LOL, except I'm not kidding. I was there (only minus the TWING, for heaven's sake, TWINS). My house is still reasonably childproof. I have no grounds to judge anyone. And I make terrible coffee, but I make A LOT of it.

And, seriously, keep breathing. It's not going to be this way forever.

Right now, you have three toddlers. It's hell. ANYBODY would be overwhelmed and permanently behind. The screaming, the smells, the lack of sleep and alone time-- they would drive Mary Effing Poppins insane. But that's where you are right now, and right now the goal is to get everybody through alive and hugged.

Some Primal Scream Therapy wouldn't be remiss. I'm in awe of you already. Three toddlers, still alive.

Five years from now?? Unless all of them turn out to have profound issues (in which case, an NT parent would also need some help and relief, desperately), it's not going to be like this five years from now. It's not going to be like this 3 years from now.

Knowing that helped me. I played this s**t out of this song

https://youtube.com/watch?v=lBDN8yWyNYU

and I cried my eyes out because I was afraid I wasn't enjoying these days that would never come back enough while they were around. I also screamed it, sarcastic as f**k, at the top of my lungs. There were times I DO NOT MISS. Do not expect to ever miss (though I do still have overwhelming dread of the "empty nest" time).

I don't regret screaming and crying and ripping my hair out when my middle two were toddlers, or when my Littles were 5, 3, and newborn. Those were some freakin' crazy days. I don't regret saying things like, "I love you, but don't touch Mommy. Mommy is touched out." I don't regret screaming, "STOP!! ! ! ! !" I CERTAINLY don't regret those 20-minute interludes of sanity. If anything, I regret feeling guilty for taking them, and letting people make me believe it was bad.

I regret trying to appear perfect. I regret wasting my energy beating myself up. I regret listening to the people who said I couldn't be a good parent because ASD, or because they were too close together, or whatever stupid reason they had. I regret beating myself up for being me and having needs and having kids and everything. I regret the beautiful days when we did not go to the park and play, because I was too worried about "not good enough." I regret feeling guilty for spending time in my garden and canning, instead of being joyful and involving the kids and letting them make a mess of it more.

Those are the things that hurt us. Not 20 minutes, not imposing some structure, not occasionally defending my personal space. Trying to be "not-autistic" hurt my kids, and me.

Sorry. I don't mean to yell. I use caps and italics interchangeably (except the caps lock button is easy to reach).

And yeah, I tend to run on at the mouth. On and on and on and on and on.

Oh, well.

One more recommendation. They're too liberal for me. I'm into positive parenting and not real big on corporal punishment (though I have tried to reason with a toddler, and come to the conclusion that a good spanking has its place), and they're still too liberal for me.

But-- http://www.scarymommy.com/

These people are profane. And they all voted for Hillary. But they're real. Really, seriously, pour-a-cup-of-coffee-make-that-a-water-glass-of-wine real.

Let's just say that as an autistic person who's planning on having a kid in the next three years, I can totally relate to the frustration of looking for good information for actually autistic parents - and I've developed a hatred for the people who call themselves "autism parents" but aren't actually autistic!