What do I need to do differently?

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Marknis
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06 Jan 2017, 12:12 pm

I went through yet another year without finding a girlfriend and I wonder what can I do to make this year go differently? I have tried some things like speed dating, calling a dating agency (Was refused their services for only being a part time employee), giving internet dating another shot even though my past experiences with it were sour, went to a couple of bars, and various meet ups. Is there anything I am missing out on or have I exhausted all the possibilities?



TheSpectrum
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06 Jan 2017, 12:19 pm

Ultimately the girl is wanting to go out with someone, and if you aren't someone they want no "method" is going to coax them into going out with you.

So either make some life changes or fix the things you'd like to fix first.


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Peacesells
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06 Jan 2017, 12:32 pm

Marknis wrote:
I have tried calling a dating agency (Was refused their services for only being a part time employee)

You should have told them that if you had a stable and decent income you'd not need their service in the first place.

Image



Marknis
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06 Jan 2017, 12:51 pm

TheSpectrum wrote:
Ultimately the girl is wanting to go out with someone, and if you aren't someone they want no "method" is going to coax them into going out with you.

So either make some life changes or fix the things you'd like to fix first.


My redneck older brother thinks the solution for me is to become like him. But what is his track record look like? A divorce, two cancelled marriages, three children out of wedlock, and a mountain of child support.



TheSpectrum
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06 Jan 2017, 12:55 pm

Marknis wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
Ultimately the girl is wanting to go out with someone, and if you aren't someone they want no "method" is going to coax them into going out with you.

So either make some life changes or fix the things you'd like to fix first.


My redneck older brother thinks the solution for me is to become like him. But what is his track record look like? A divorce, two cancelled marriages, three children out of wedlock, and a mountain of child support.

You don't have to become like anyone else you know, just a better you.

Just to save some pages - you might be advised of other methods of meeting people but the end result will remain the same. Advice isn't always criticism you need to defend.


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Marknis
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07 Jan 2017, 12:12 pm

TheSpectrum wrote:
Marknis wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
Ultimately the girl is wanting to go out with someone, and if you aren't someone they want no "method" is going to coax them into going out with you.

So either make some life changes or fix the things you'd like to fix first.


My redneck older brother thinks the solution for me is to become like him. But what is his track record look like? A divorce, two cancelled marriages, three children out of wedlock, and a mountain of child support.

You don't have to become like anyone else you know, just a better you.

Just to save some pages - you might be advised of other methods of meeting people but the end result will remain the same. Advice isn't always criticism you need to defend.


I wish someone put it that way to me before or maybe they did but my mind was in such a bad state it came off like they were telling me to be like my older brother?



goldfish21
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07 Jan 2017, 1:23 pm

Stop looking for a girlfriend like she's something to be found somewhere.

Start working on yourself, in every way, to make yourself a more attractive partner.

Then women will be attracted to you and the rest will just fall into place.

Part time work? Work up to full time. Out of shape? Get in shape. Poor diet? Improve it. No hobbies or skills? Do something, learn something. etc. Spend your time and money on those things - on yourself - and eventually you'll be someone others want to be with.


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Sabreclaw
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07 Jan 2017, 3:41 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
Stop looking for a girlfriend like she's something to be found somewhere.

Start working on yourself, in every way, to make yourself a more attractive partner.

Then women will be attracted to you and the rest will just fall into place.


See, the problem with this is lots of people give the exact opposite advice, that if you don't go out of your way to search for a partner you'll never find one.

What's one to think with all the conflicting advice?



goldfish21
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07 Jan 2017, 4:05 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
Stop looking for a girlfriend like she's something to be found somewhere.

Start working on yourself, in every way, to make yourself a more attractive partner.

Then women will be attracted to you and the rest will just fall into place.


See, the problem with this is lots of people give the exact opposite advice, that if you don't go out of your way to search for a partner you'll never find one.

What's one to think with all the conflicting advice?


How many people post on here saying they've been looking for a significant other for X # of YEARS and have yet to ever find one?

Don't you think that time & energy could be put to better, much more valuable goal attaining, use by focusing on making oneself more attractive instead?

I do. In fact, I know so.

I've never ever really been one to seek out a significant other. In fact, I specifically avoided it for most of my life because I felt that I didn't want to bring anyone else down. Instead I was into hooking up for completely meaningless sexual fun. It had it's value in my life, but I avoided dating anyone, even when asked - but especially since I never felt I wanted to date anyone that asked me.. and the few I was interested in weren't interested in me like that.

Anyways, over the last few years I've focused on ME and MY health/fitness and have made nothing short of remarkable progress on all fronts. Mentally, physically etc. I'm happier and healthier than I've ever been pretty much. And now that I'm a pretty happy dude with a fairly attractive body (I'm 6'2 ~ 200lbs of mostly muscle at around 12% bodyfat and have what I'm told are nice eyes and a nice smile etc), while I'm far from perfect, I am absolutely without a doubt M U C H more attractive to others than I ever used to be. I've been hit on more in the last year or two than the rest of my life combined. I got hit on by both guys and girls at the beach all Summer. I was hit on several times at the New Years party & after-party-brunch I went to.. both directly and indirectly - ie friends relayed messages of others at the party asking them about me. Meanwhile, it's flattering, but I've been dating someone and I'm not particularly interested in hooking up with anyone else at the present moment. I guess the cliche "everyone wants what they can't have," holds true here, too.. and maybe by some sort of metaphysical sense people desire me more now that I'm not really interested in any of them ?? but that stuff aside, I guarantee with 100% certainty that I'm a lot more attractive to others than I ever used to be and that the reason I have as many opportunities for either hookups, dates, or relationships as I do is because I didn't expend almost any energy seeking a significant other & instead focused on myself and my health for myself w/o the intent of trying to be more attractive to others in the first place.. and a very nice little side perk to the whole process is that becoming more of who I want to be for me has resulted in becoming someone who is much more attractive to others.

If anyone here were to dedicate the next 2-3 years of their life to working on bettering themselves vs. carrying on doing as they've always done and being disappointed with the same results, it's all but a sure thing that they will become more attractive to others and they'll have multiple relationship options present themselves. IMO & personal experience.


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Marknis
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07 Jan 2017, 4:52 pm

I don't want to wait until I am 30 or past that age. Whenever I see others my age or younger in long term relationships and getting married while I don't even date, it crushes my soul. It just fills my head with thoughts such as "Why them and not me?", "Have I fallen too far behind?", "Am I too late?", and "Can I ever catch up? Will I ever catch up?"

Also keep in mind I am from the Bible Belt which is the most backwards and mentally unstable cultural region of the entire planet.



goldfish21
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07 Jan 2017, 4:58 pm

Marknis wrote:
I don't want to wait until I am 30 or past that age. Whenever I see others my age or younger in long term relationships and getting married while I don't even date, it crushes my soul. It just fills my head with thoughts such as "Why them and not me?", "Have I fallen too far behind?", "Am I too late?", and "Can I ever catch up? Will I ever catch up?"

Also keep in mind I am from the Bible Belt which is the most backwards and mentally unstable cultural region of the entire planet.


Your profile doesn't indicate your age, so there's no way to know how long it is you don't want to have to wait. Regardless, it may not be for you to decide. Maybe it's fate that brings people into our lives when they're mean to be? Maybe that's not until you're 31 or 47.

Maybe it takes longer than until you're 30 for you to build yourself into someone who's attractive to others? So what & so be it, IMO.

Which brings this quote to mind:

“Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway.”


― Earl Nightingale


There's no sense in not working towards something because it might take a while to achieve. You just keep working towards it, bit by bit, because if you don't work towards whatever your goal is.. time is going to just keep ticking away, anyways, and you'll find yourself saying "well, I'm 30 and this didn't happen yet," and then "I'm 40/50/60 and this didn't happen yet." Instead you could spend that time working hard towards making your dreams happen, deciding to persist no matter how long it takes.

:lol: So make it a life goal to move away from there if that's something you must do for yourself! Seriously.


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Marknis
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10 Jan 2017, 9:59 am

goldfish21 wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I don't want to wait until I am 30 or past that age. Whenever I see others my age or younger in long term relationships and getting married while I don't even date, it crushes my soul. It just fills my head with thoughts such as "Why them and not me?", "Have I fallen too far behind?", "Am I too late?", and "Can I ever catch up? Will I ever catch up?"

Also keep in mind I am from the Bible Belt which is the most backwards and mentally unstable cultural region of the entire planet.


Your profile doesn't indicate your age, so there's no way to know how long it is you don't want to have to wait. Regardless, it may not be for you to decide. Maybe it's fate that brings people into our lives when they're mean to be? Maybe that's not until you're 31 or 47.

Maybe it takes longer than until you're 30 for you to build yourself into someone who's attractive to others? So what & so be it, IMO.

Which brings this quote to mind:

“Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway.”


― Earl Nightingale


There's no sense in not working towards something because it might take a while to achieve. You just keep working towards it, bit by bit, because if you don't work towards whatever your goal is.. time is going to just keep ticking away, anyways, and you'll find yourself saying "well, I'm 30 and this didn't happen yet," and then "I'm 40/50/60 and this didn't happen yet." Instead you could spend that time working hard towards making your dreams happen, deciding to persist no matter how long it takes.

:lol: So make it a life goal to move away from there if that's something you must do for yourself! Seriously.


I am 28, going on 29 this year.

Part of my struggle comes from how goal oriented my family tends to be. They (With the exception of my younger brother) feel like life is a race and if you aren't going at the pace of a runaway freight train or getting fast results, you are wasting time.



BTDT
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10 Jan 2017, 10:12 am

While everyone is different, it is likely that someone on Wrong Planet may be missing signs that partners are interested in you. This is a particular problem for guys, as the signs are usually non-verbal and passive. It might help to engage potential partners whenever you think they might be interested, as you aren't going to get clear signs (to you). Or work on observation techniques to pick up those signs. You may be able to learn.

A common mistake that I've seen is the idea that you can ask everyone. It doesn't work that way. Nobody likes to be the 2nd choice. This means you need to carefully choose who you ask, if other people know you are asking. Like in a bar--everyone can see who you are approaching.



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10 Jan 2017, 10:27 am

This is just a different take on it but what do you want in a girlfriend realistically (so not like ultimate dream girl).

Do you want a gf for the sake of having a gf or is there a type of person your looking for.

I think girls are put off by someone who would date anyone because then there is a chance they are with you because they are lonely and don't truly love you



Marknis
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10 Jan 2017, 1:32 pm

Alliekit wrote:
This is just a different take on it but what do you want in a girlfriend realistically (so not like ultimate dream girl).

Do you want a gf for the sake of having a gf or is there a type of person your looking for.

I think girls are put off by someone who would date anyone because then there is a chance they are with you because they are lonely and don't truly love you


It's the latter. I don't see the point in being with someone who you do don't share common interests. Sure, it doesn't have to be every single interest, just enough.

My older brother seemed to date just for the sake of having someone and it would lead to disaster. He would find it strange that I wanted a girlfriend who had common interests and would say stuff like "You just need someone to go to the movies with" even though he hated the movies his girlfriend's liked. He even told me recently the woman he's stuck with (Also the mother of three of kids) likes what he calls "retarded" and doesn't agree with her on politics (He considers himself a hardcore conservative, she a liberal). Their relationship is very turbulent and has actually fallen apart a few times but she'll use the kids against him to bring him back. Before he moved away to live with this woman (After they had their second break up), he told my father that he had nice girls come to him but he always turned them down because he wanted a "challenge". :roll: