Multiple Diagnoses, Medications and Mindfullness

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I feel like I am far away from people; like I am observing rather than interacting. I have diagnoses of Asperger/HFA/residual autism as well as bipolar, depression and anxiety (social and general.) I take a cocktail of pills and I can touch rationality, but I am afraid at how tenuous my grip is. I keep waiting for someone to come and take me away because they recognize that I don't belong.
My diagnosis of bipolar is recent and my new psychiatrist is adjusting my medication accordingly; she is lowering the antidepressant in 25 mg increments in favour of anti-psychotics, which work great for me. But I still have this outsider feeling that I can't shake.
Does it ever go away?

Well Androbot you are an outsider. Most people simply don't have to go through what you do. But that's what makes you tough.

Thanks Shahunshah. I feel very alone. I realize living with my mother again how challenged she is by mental disability. It is impossible to really reach her, she is too consumed by her compensation techniques. She totally denies having any issues, but has agreed to see a psychiatrist on the advice of her physician. I really hope she is prescribed something like gabapentin or seroquel; I think it would help her.

I see it sounds hard. Its good that she has you to support her even though your going through stuff yourself. Maybe I am wrong as I do not know the condition but it could be that the medication might help your mother think more clearly.

Your alone you say have you thought about meeting up with your friend you see on a not so regular basis?

I'm also autistic and plagued with PTSD and bipolar. (I don't add depression and anxiety to the list because bipolar pretty much accounts for those). Now, to this cocktail, add immigrant, gay and multi-racial and you can see why I'm so far outside the norm I may as well be from Mars.

Mindfulness meditation? With my hyperactive, non-slowing down mind? Sorry. Can't be done.

Another ASD/Bipolar/PTSD misfit here. (And I agree about the impossibility of mindfulness meditation!) Sometimes it's hard sorting out which feelings come from which disorder, and they all 'trigger' each other in a way.

I don't know if the feeling of being an 'outsider' ever goes away. I've never felt like an insider, so I guess I just accept that I'm very different from other people. And that the goal is not to be 'normal', but to be 'happy'.

I have ASD, social anxiety, BPD, OCD and ADHD. The ASD is what makes me feel so different from everyone else and it is a feeling I have had all my life. The ASD diagnosis just makes it all make sense. I don't expect to ever fit in or relate to most of those around me. My friends in my life tend to be outsiders as well. I can't relate to normal people at all.

I got a movie pass for Christmas; if I can find a movie that looks bearable I will ask her if she wants to go.


Cannabis helps me.




Medpagetoday


It does for me too.

As suggested in the above quote, I think bipolar and autism are linked.

Right now I feel overwhelmed by my disorders; I can't organize my mind and I'm not really sure who I am. Perhaps the medication adjustments my psychiatrist is making will help. I'm just so sick of trying so hard and it not being enough.

Wow. So I'm NOT alone in my multiplicity of mental disorders! In the past few years I've been diagnosed, by several different psychiatrists and psychologists, with major depression, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, Asperger's Syndrome and bipolar disorder I. Everyone's missing BPD, but I guess that's okay because the pill I take for bipolar, Latuda, also works for BPD.

My complexity of disorders results in this: cops don't get me, judges don't get me, doctors and psychiatrists don't get me, and psychologists don't get me. This files me under the general category of "crazy."

The drugs and alcohol I abused in the past brought me around to normal. They made me sociable, manageable, able to work in stressful environments, able to deal with life on its own terms. Now that they're out of my system, where they worked wonders as an effective buffer against society, I find real life almost intolerable.

54 years and still a virgin with no friends. Can you imagine?

I like what Ashariel wrote - "And that the goal is not to be 'normal', but to be 'happy'." I can live with that.

Thanks, everyone, for helping me know I'm not alone with this confounding confluence of disabilities.

No, you certainly aren't alone

I have started decreasing the Effexor by 25 mg; I am to do this over the next three weeks and then see her. I felt a bit weepy yesterday and the day before, but so far no tears today.

I hope she hasn't underestimated my depression; I think what she wants to do is increase the Abilify in place of the Effexor and maybe increase the Seroquel too. She says these antipsychotics are mood stabilizers and will work better in the long run than the Effexor.

I have to agree with her that mood stabilization is paramount; in my past I have swung from one emotion to the other violently and wildly. Some people I have known are actually scared of me; I suppose I can't blame them, as I have sometimes been afraid of myself. Actually, I think I am still afraid of myself; without medication I would be unmanageable.

How did the film thing go?

Their is not much reason to feel scared of yourself. You're not crazy Androbot, the furthest thing from it. I just wish your physiatrist would stop being such a pain.

Haven't done it yet. Can't find a movie worth sitting through, but I will engage the plan at the appropriate time.

I have been scared of myself on multiple occasions and with good reason. I believe she is correct about my being bipolar. With medication I am able to stay on an even keel, but I am still autistic.

I am in my second week of living with my mother and it is not going well. Mom has withdrawn into herself and I realize my presence is making her depressed. This is a recurrent issue with us. She was never maternal and was always burdened by me. I keep reassuring her that I will be moving soon as my course is nearing its end. I am trying not to become depressed myself.

If you don't find a good movie their is always other things you can do with her.

If you are able to stay on an even kneel what is their to be scared about you seem to be someone who manages themselves fairly well.

Do you think that your mother is upset about how things are for you and being able to do little about it?

Yes, I imagine it frustrates her. We are settling in better and she seems less bothered by my being here.

I can barely function lately; the cold weather and lack of sunshine and being sick with the flu for the 3rd time this winter. I so want to move to a warmer climate.

When I finish my course I will be able to work from home from anywhere. Maybe next winter I will go to Florida with the other snowbirds.

I am seeing my psychiatrist next week to check in about my medication reduction. I am not feeling as weepy as I was at first.

Seems like your almost there. Where would you go to in Florida?