Red flags in dating? Early stages

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MsV
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10 Jan 2017, 4:55 am

Ok since I failed to notice these again,
What are some of the red flags early on that should not be ignored.
For example, hindsight being 20/20
- saying any guy who shows you kindness is just trying to get in your pants
- completely ignoring any boundaries you set
- telling you the way you're feeling isn't really what you feel and replacing your description with the 'correct one' - even though it's not
- putting you on an unrealistic pedestal very early on - including saying "I love you" within a week
- saying it's so cute when you tell them you're not ok with their behavior
- wanting to make all of your decisions for you
- blaming AS for me not wanting to be on chat with them 24/7 (due to work)
I'm sure I have forgotten a lot of them but any other ones you can provide would be great.
Maybe I just suck at this and should stay single... :(



whatamievendoing
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10 Jan 2017, 5:21 am

MsV wrote:
- saying any guy who shows you kindness is just trying to get in your pants


While there's no denying that such individuals exist, you do need to take note that by no means is every man like that. I for one represent the type that's kind out of general courtesy towards everyone.


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MsV
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10 Jan 2017, 5:27 am

whatamievendoing wrote:
MsV wrote:
- saying any guy who shows you kindness is just trying to get in your pants


While there's no denying that such individuals exist, you do need to take note that by no means is every man like that. I for one represent the type that's kind out of general courtesy towards everyone.


Thank you! Like in these cases, I met the men and their families in a work setting. The first guy was old school and the kind to pull out chairs etc not only for me but also for his wife and daughter (so yeah, not so much trying to get in my pants). The other guy called me intelligent, which *obviously* could only be intended to bed me. Afterwards I thought, well, does that mean the guy I was considering dating thought I was so stupid, that this comment could only be a ploy?

Ugh I sure feel like an idiot now, having ignored all these things because I wanted to believe he was coming from a good place.



supguysfriedchicken
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10 Jan 2017, 5:48 am

For other people, a red flag is if you're thinking about dating me.


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kraftiekortie
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10 Jan 2017, 8:27 am

There are definitely true gentleman out there.

They might think: "I find this woman attractive. I wouldn't mind it if we made love. But, even if we don't happen to establish a relationship, I'll treat her well, anyway, for the sake of common decency, and to make us both feel good."

A "red flag" would be a guy insisting that you be in contact with him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. A big "red flag."



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10 Jan 2017, 9:06 am

Rope, lube and duct tape in their passenger seat.


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MsV
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10 Jan 2017, 9:16 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
There are definitely true gentleman out there.

They might think: "I find this woman attractive. I wouldn't mind it if we made love. But, even if we don't happen to establish a relationship, I'll treat her well, anyway, for the sake of common decency, and to make us both feel good."

A "red flag" would be a guy insisting that you be in contact with him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. A big "red flag."



I know they're out there, it's just that the people with bad intentions have gotten so good at mimicking their behavior... Makes it so confusing.
And yeah the constant need for contact is a big one. But I figured this was just... beginning stages behavior? We hadn't even gone out on a date yet, just stated that we both were open to considering a relationship after months of being friends (long distance stuff).
Though it was the insistence on making decisions for me, and criticizing the way I wanted to do things (that have been proven to work) by saying that's just dumb + putting me on an unrealistic pedestal that finally made me go "huh?".
Then disrespecting my request for a time out and calling me silly when I mentioned this behavior because "I don't know what's good for me - it's the AS talking". :roll:



MsV
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10 Jan 2017, 9:17 am

TheSpectrum wrote:
Rope, lube and duct tape in their passenger seat.


:lol: *goes to clean out her car stealthily* j/k :lol:



PaulAspie
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10 Jan 2017, 10:25 am

MsV wrote:
- putting you on an unrealistic pedestal very early on - including saying "I love you" within a week


This might depend on the situation, at least the "I love you" part. I knew couples who were already friends and really fell in love as friends before officially dating so they said "I love you" from the day they were officially dating. If it is the first week they even knew you existed, you have to figure out if it someone really thinks that or it's NT hyperbole - if you are sure it's the latter, you might stick with it but that depends on you. I've had to realize sometimes NTs use hyperbole to get their point across.


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MsV
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10 Jan 2017, 10:31 am

PaulAspie wrote:
MsV wrote:
- putting you on an unrealistic pedestal very early on - including saying "I love you" within a week


This might depend on the situation, at least the "I love you" part. I knew couples who were already friends and really fell in love as friends before officially dating so they said "I love you" from the day they were officially dating. If it is the first week they even knew you existed, you have to figure out if it someone really thinks that or it's NT hyperbole - if you are sure it's the latter, you might stick with it but that depends on you. I've had to realize sometimes NTs use hyperbole to get their point across.


Maybe... In this case though, we hadn't met in person yet :? . Plus it was really a pedestal. Calling me perfect 8O , the funniest, nicest, most feminine etc etc etc I mean, I'm not horrible-looking but no model, and the same goes for my personality. I try to be a good person, but goodness, I sure have my flaws! It's terrifying to think of someone creating this perfect picture of you because it's impossible to live up to :?



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10 Jan 2017, 10:42 am

MsV wrote:
PaulAspie wrote:
MsV wrote:
- putting you on an unrealistic pedestal very early on - including saying "I love you" within a week


This might depend on the situation, at least the "I love you" part. I knew couples who were already friends and really fell in love as friends before officially dating so they said "I love you" from the day they were officially dating. If it is the first week they even knew you existed, you have to figure out if it someone really thinks that or it's NT hyperbole - if you are sure it's the latter, you might stick with it but that depends on you. I've had to realize sometimes NTs use hyperbole to get their point across.


Maybe... In this case though, we hadn't met in person yet :? . Plus it was really a pedestal. Calling me perfect 8O , the funniest, nicest, most feminine etc etc etc I mean, I'm not horrible-looking but no model, and the same goes for my personality. I try to be a good person, but goodness, I sure have my flaws! It's terrifying to think of someone creating this perfect picture of you because it's impossible to live up to :?


I agree this CAN be a red flag... my point is that it is not ALWAYS a red flag.


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MsV
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10 Jan 2017, 10:58 am

PaulAspie wrote:
MsV wrote:
PaulAspie wrote:
MsV wrote:
- putting you on an unrealistic pedestal very early on - including saying "I love you" within a week


This might depend on the situation, at least the "I love you" part. I knew couples who were already friends and really fell in love as friends before officially dating so they said "I love you" from the day they were officially dating. If it is the first week they even knew you existed, you have to figure out if it someone really thinks that or it's NT hyperbole - if you are sure it's the latter, you might stick with it but that depends on you. I've had to realize sometimes NTs use hyperbole to get their point across.


Maybe... In this case though, we hadn't met in person yet :? . Plus it was really a pedestal. Calling me perfect 8O , the funniest, nicest, most feminine etc etc etc I mean, I'm not horrible-looking but no model, and the same goes for my personality. I try to be a good person, but goodness, I sure have my flaws! It's terrifying to think of someone creating this perfect picture of you because it's impossible to live up to :?


I agree this CAN be a red flag... my point is that it is not ALWAYS a red flag.


Totally agree! Maybe it's the co-existence of them?
Got any for me btw?



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10 Jan 2017, 11:13 am

Rush to be in a relationship.

Willing to buy everything for you and do nice things for you and not ever expecting you to pay for anything nor having a job. Love bombing, this is a trap even though it's not always a red flag but this is a tactic abusers use to lure their victim and then they are codependent.

If a man says who he really is even if he is saying how much of an as*hole he is, believe him

Having critical opinions of you and other people and judgmental of everything

Their home is a mess or their room. If this is how they live, don't expect them to be clean when you are married to them. Who needs a slob? You will be doing all the work and they do nothing. I am not talking about trash being full or some dishes being in the sink or some stuff being out of place. That is part of living. I am talking about where they never ever clean and there is trash thrown all over and dirty dishes scattered everywhere and bathrooms not being cleaned in months and the floors and stuff an dirty clothes tossed all over and counters being a mess and never wiped down and the stove never been cleaned. Yuck.

Smelling like smoke and their home and car. I will not date a smoker and smell like smoke myself of they smoke indoors.

Low self esteem

No job and no driver's license, though not always a red flag but it was in my personal experience and I didn't pick up on it

No motivation in life

Poor money management, never saves and will spend it whenever they have money than saving it to use later for bills and when they are in fact struggling to live and they act like they have more money than they really do

Very clingy, doesn't ever want you to leave when you go to work and go home and always wants you around and even if you want to go to bed, they want you to stay up with them no matter how tired you are

Already saying they love you when you had just met and haven't even known each other for a while

Expects you to stay with your word even if s**t happens and then they act dumb about it by going "but you said..."

Ignores you when you don't act the way they want you to act until you act the way they want you to act

No empathy and understanding about other peoples problems and s**t happening to them

Using slurs and making fun of people about stuff they do they don't like

Very picky and complain about petty stuff in restaurants

Deliberately doing things to piss someone off, my ex intentionally withheld rent from his landlord until the date she wanted her rent by just to make her mad. It wads due on the 1st but he didn't have his money until the middle of the month and she wanted it by the 20th so he waited until that day to give it to her.

Calling anything a game they don't like

Having double standards

Broken promises and procrastination

No understanding of your problems and getting mad at you about them and when you even try to talk to them about your relationship and what is bothering you


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MsV
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10 Jan 2017, 11:17 am

League_Girl wrote:
Rush to be in a relationship.

Willing to buy everything for you and do nice things for you and not ever expecting you to pay for anything nor having a job. Love bombing, this is a trap even though it's not always a red flag but this is a tactic abusers use to lure their victim and then they are codependent.

If a man says who he really is even if he is saying how much of an as*hole he is, believe him

Having critical opinions of you and other people and judgmental of everything

Their home is a mess or their room. If this is how they live, don't expect them to be clean when you are married to them. Who needs a slob? You will be doing all the work and they do nothing. I am not talking about trash being full or some dishes being in the sink or some stuff being out of place. That is part of living. I am talking about where they never ever clean and there is trash thrown all over and dirty dishes scattered everywhere and bathrooms not being cleaned in months and the floors and stuff an dirty clothes tossed all over and counters being a mess and never wiped down and the stove never been cleaned. Yuck.

Smelling like smoke and their home and car. I will not date a smoker and smell like smoke myself of they smoke indoors.

Low self esteem

No job and no driver's license, though not always a red flag but it was in my personal experience and I didn't pick up on it

No motivation in life

Poor money management, never saves and will spend it whenever they have money than saving it to use later for bills and when they are in fact struggling to live and they act like they have more money than they really do

Very clingy, doesn't ever want you to leave when you go to work and go home and always wants you around and even if you want to go to bed, they want you to stay up with them no matter how tired you are

Already saying they love you when you had just met and haven't even known each other for a while

Expects you to stay with your word even if s**t happens and then they act dumb about it by going "but you said..."

Ignores you when you don't act the way they want you to act until you act the way they want you to act

No empathy and understanding about other peoples problems and s**t happening to them

Using slurs and making fun of people about stuff they do they don't like

Very picky and complain about petty stuff in restaurants

Deliberately doing things to piss someone off, my ex intentionally withheld rent from his landlord until the date she wanted her rent by just to make her mad. It wads due on the 1st but he didn't have his money until the middle of the month and she wanted it by the 20th so he waited until that day to give it to her.

Calling anything a game they don't like

Having double standards

Broken promises and procrastination

No understanding of your problems and getting mad at you about them and when you even try to talk to them about your relationship and what is bothering you


Damn seems like I'm not the only one who's dealt with some less than favorable 'suitors'... Sorry you experienced them but thanks for sharing!



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10 Jan 2017, 12:24 pm

In hindsight, the red flags on my first GF were so big they could have been seen from space. The worst part is KNEW something was off from the moment I viewed her profile (after she messaged me on a certain free dating site). Here are a few red flags I ignored:
* Her profile was bitter and complained about how men are all jerks
* She never had a photo and when she finally sent one it was very blurry
* Her Facebook feed looked like a psychotic person (how right that was!) and she practically weekly had a new "found an amazing guy!! !" post, not to mention all the cryptic posts designed to get attention
* She had HUNDREDS of pictures of her (parent's) dog posted
* She had no license, lied to me about wanting one and had no job and might have made $500 in our entire relationship
* She dropped out of school FOR THE FOURTH TIME a month into our relationship! She later dropped out two more times and to my knowledge, finally completed a year of college at age 26.
* She wanted to be exclusive on the third date and constantly texted she was "worried about scarying(sp) me away". I was just as foolish here too by jumping in immediately and saying I loved her
* When she finally paid on the fourth date, she didn't tip at all and got irate that the sweet and kind 16-17 year old waitress was "hitting on me".
* She texted sometimes 8-10 times in a row and would get angry if I didn't respond right away (even if I was busy) and eventually texted up to 50 times a day. When she was angry (and it happened a lot) she would call 10-12 times in a row to the point I would have to unplug the phone.
* She cried ALL.THE.TIME. and she would flip out over something as simple as me being 2 minutes late. This usually led to a two hour screaming session
* When we "did it" the second time she ran out of the room screaming and crying and refused to talk about it
* Stole my shirt and it took several tried to get it back
* Was utterly obsessed with me giving her a "promise ring"
* She was overweight but not in a "genetic" way: she just didn't care
* Had ZERO empathy and it was surreal trying to get her to understand things
* She never ate and was ALWAYS sick!
Finally, she once went completely berserk out of the blue when I was planning on going out while she was sick. I should have called 911 but instead I stayed with her another year :oops: The neighbours, probably fed up with us called 911 a while later on me and rightfully so I might add.

All those red flags occurred in the first two months of dating GF#1. As for GF #2

* She was always late responding to my texts, usually by 4-6 hours
* She was always with her friends
* She seemed to want to take things at a snail's pace
* She always seemed uncomfortable around me.
* She was an elementary school teacher (there are a TON of single teachers in my city especially in younger grades and I later began to understand there is a reason for it).

She was a nice person but it was obvious in hindsight she was NOT ready for a relationship despite being a few months older than me. She also had no idea how men work and meeting her only know ex boyfriend sealed it. He is much like me and I consider him a friend.

GF #3 (now Wife)
Edit: Her age and lack of a stable long term relationship (i.e. just like me)!

The biggest thing in dating is to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS and never make a decision based on fear or you will regret it.



Last edited by GiantHockeyFan on 10 Jan 2017, 12:32 pm, edited 3 times in total.