Does it ever get easier coping with rejection?

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Brianruns10
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11 Jan 2017, 3:02 pm

I took a big risk and tried asking out a woman in real life, as opposed to online dating. It went exactly as I expected: she rejected me. She had a boyfriend, which I should've known, because the good ones are always taken. It's axiomatic.

I tried, and I felt such shame and embarassment afterwards. Shame because I'd revealed I was attracted to this person I didn't know, who was so attractive yet was already taken and probably had no attraction for me. And embarassment both for myself for having dared to ask, and also on her behalf because she was probably mortified that I did ask.

Why does dating have to be so painful? So full of sorrow? I just want someone who I like to like me back, to say "I choose you."



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11 Jan 2017, 3:52 pm

I hope you won''t look at what happened as a true rejection. You stated your feelings and she replied by saying she has a boyfriend, meaning she isn't interested in a romantic relationship. I'd look at it as a positive because you mustered the courage to express your deepest feelings even though they weren't reciprocated by her. I expect though she was deeply flattered by your romantic feelings so in a way you did a good deed by telling her.



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11 Jan 2017, 4:10 pm

Well, that's not really a rejection, is it? It would have been a rejection if she was single, available and said no. But she's already taken, so she was just informing you she's not available.

It doesn't make it any less frustrating, I know, but it's not a true rejection.


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Mr_Miner
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11 Jan 2017, 11:13 pm

What is better to always wonder if she would say yes or to know for sure? Being rejected is painful especially if you were developing a crush on the person. But personally I would want to know. I struggled for many years asking women out and it's still not easy but I realized it's harder to do nothing when you have feelings than something.

Every man gets rejected. The "ladies man" who you think does not simply talks to lots of women and ignores the ones who do not talk back. To that takes confidence and that is something women respond to anyway so it works out.



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12 Jan 2017, 4:26 am

I think once you stop getting rejected as often or you've had a couple of girlfriends it gets better. That dependency fades.


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lovebat
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12 Jan 2017, 6:30 am

It always stings for me right at the moment I get rejected like that, no matter how many girls have accepted in the past; however, I've found that since having a handful of relationships with excellent people I still admire, I no longer dwell on an individual rejection for nearly so long as I used to. Once I saw that things don't always work out, even when I've gone out and had several fun dates, hearing the next girl tell you she has a boyfriend before things have even started isn't quite so painful.

Also, one really outstanding date with an incredible woman is worth experiencing that rejection a hundred times over.

Good luck to you, man. It really will be easier for you in the future, though that might not be much solace right at the moment.



Hexen
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12 Jan 2017, 8:16 am

Brianruns10 wrote:
Why does dating have to be so painful? So full of sorrow? I just want someone who I like to like me back, to say "I choose you."

Because you're a man and as a man you are held as required to be a higher standard than a woman. For example, many women will not give a guy the chance of day if that man doesn't have a car, a career, his own place. Women focus on a man's status and his success. Now, men will focus on a woman's appearance. Is she cute, is she in shape, ect. Now what is easier in life, being in shape, or spending years in college to get a doctorate? I'm not saying having a doctorate in necessary in order to date a woman, I'm just using that as an extreme example. *Awakes the feminist hate comments*



Hexen
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12 Jan 2017, 8:19 am

To answer your question, yes it does but only when you elevate your status to the point were women want to date you.



TheSpectrum
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12 Jan 2017, 9:30 am

Hexen wrote:
To answer your question, yes it does but only when you elevate your status to the point were women want to date you.

Or failing that, you ask women out less frequently.


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Alliekit
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12 Jan 2017, 10:22 am

You have to learn not to take it personally in some instances. If she has a boyfriend then of course she will reject you but not because of who you are but because she already has a boyfriend.

As for other reasons then your better off being rejected because who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

I've been rejected once for 'being to sweet' which I found was a strange reason.



Alliekit
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12 Jan 2017, 10:28 am

Hexen wrote:
Brianruns10 wrote:
Why does dating have to be so painful? So full of sorrow? I just want someone who I like to like me back, to say "I choose you."

Because you're a man and as a man you are held as required to be a higher standard than a woman. For example, many women will not give a guy the chance of day if that man doesn't have a car, a career, his own place. Women focus on a man's status and his success. Now, men will focus on a woman's appearance. Is she cute, is she in shape, ect. Now what is easier in life, being in shape, or spending years in college to get a doctorate? I'm not saying having a doctorate in necessary in order to date a woman, I'm just using that as an extreme example. *Awakes the feminist hate comments*


But if you're ugly you can't chance that without loads of money and surgery.

Also I don't think your giving guys enough credit. I don't think all men are that shallow that they could overlook a bad personality or an annoying voice.

One last thing some women may look for that but not all. I am an educated young woman from an upper-working class family who does not live with my parents and has a car. My fiance is a warehouse worker who lives with his parents, who cannot drive, who barely has GCSEs and comes from a family that is below working class (he informed me of this because I didn't know it was a class).
Do you know who is more bothered by our circumstances out of the 2 of us?



MagicKnight
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12 Jan 2017, 10:30 am

Brianruns10 wrote:
I took a big risk and tried asking out a woman in real life, as opposed to online dating. It went exactly as I expected: she rejected me. She had a boyfriend, which I should've known, because the good ones are always taken. It's axiomatic.

I tried, and I felt such shame and embarassment afterwards. Shame because I'd revealed I was attracted to this person I didn't know, who was so attractive yet was already taken and probably had no attraction for me. And embarassment both for myself for having dared to ask, and also on her behalf because she was probably mortified that I did ask.

Why does dating have to be so painful? So full of sorrow? I just want someone who I like to like me back, to say "I choose you."


I feel a lot like that but since I'm ahead of you by about a decade in this darned planet I think I can offer some words on those matters, with your permission.

Yes, rejection does get easier but it always hurts. That goes for NTs as well as far as I'm concerned.

I don't think that was a case of true rejection. She's got a boyfriend, that's more than an acceptable reason not to hangout with a new potential partner! Your only wrong move was not to make sure the woman was really available before anything else. You went straight for the dinner invitation and well there you got your answer.

I think you did very well and I recommend you keep asking out the girls you're interested in. Eventually you'll find one. Meanwhile don't become obsessed about women and dating. Focus on yourself, improve your life, your knowledge. Try to figure out some areas in which you're weak that can be improved. Ignore what women want. Above all forget about romance with that girl you just told us about. She's an acquaintance from now on, period. Treat her with much respect but also with distance.

Now for online dating. I've been talking to a mate about that same problems and the aftermath of the whole discussion was: people these days are more self-centered, selfish, vain and the whole social media are feeding their egos. This whole "plugged" world is giving these people carte blanche to show the worst in them and do whatever they please with no concern for others. Therefore dating becomes more complicated because it's less and less based on values and more oriented towards the many shallow features of an individual, it's all about how "thumbs-uppable" people appear. It's not like you'll be lucky once in a while but online dating is becoming akin to fast food, almost to the point of making prostitution obsolete - what can be regarded as something positive by neurotypicals (in general) because that's exactly what many of them want.

So ... suggestion is forget about online dating for a long while. They're very frustrating. Worst yet if you unluckily stumble upon one of those women who think they're better than everyone else on Earth and instead of having a good chat, they come with many stones of unbearable irony and despise against you, a man they've never seen in life but anyway they feel in their right to judge and sh!t-test him to death.



Hexen
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12 Jan 2017, 10:41 am

Alliekit wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Brianruns10 wrote:
Why does dating have to be so painful? So full of sorrow? I just want someone who I like to like me back, to say "I choose you."

Because you're a man and as a man you are held as required to be a higher standard than a woman. For example, many women will not give a guy the chance of day if that man doesn't have a car, a career, his own place. Women focus on a man's status and his success. Now, men will focus on a woman's appearance. Is she cute, is she in shape, ect. Now what is easier in life, being in shape, or spending years in college to get a doctorate? I'm not saying having a doctorate in necessary in order to date a woman, I'm just using that as an extreme example. *Awakes the feminist hate comments*


But if you're ugly you can't chance that without loads of money and surgery.

Also I don't think your giving guys enough credit. I don't think all men are that shallow that they could overlook a bad personality or an annoying voice.

One last thing some women may look for that but not all. I am an educated young woman from an upper-working class family who does not live with my parents and has a car. My fiance is a warehouse worker who lives with his parents, who cannot drive, who barely has GCSEs and comes from a family that is below working class (he informed me of this because I didn't know it was a class).
Do you know who is more bothered by our circumstances out of the 2 of us?

Most men are not ugly enough that they can't find a decent woman, if they have a high status. Alos, there are always exceptions. I'm talkign about increasing your chances and why. Also, I was just pointing out that even when men are shallow, women don't have as hard a time because when men ARE shallow they usually worry about looks, whereas shallow women worry about status; which is harder to achieve.