Relationship Struggles

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I'm new here, and one of the compelling reasons for joining was I find myself recently depressed.

My girlfriend and I recently broke up, about a month ago, due to communication problems. I know they source from my autism, and maybe that's why I got so depressed, because I blamed my disability for it.

The problem with us is our lease does not expire for another four months so I'm sort of stuck. I want nothing more than to get back together, but my depression is destructive, once during a fight I blocked the door, another time I held her dog hostage, the most precious thing to her, or started saying things about hurting myself. Then I'd get in my car and drive semi-dangerously, if driving around too fast around a parking lot counts. I'm angry, but there's a part of me within that values life and holds onto hope. I can't really get myself to do anything seriously, and maybe that is the good thing.

Despite all of this, she tells me there is still a chance, albeit a much lesser one after all of this, and that I have the next two months to try to do this. The problem is I keep going into this cycle. I get out of it for a while, for the last two weeks I've been close to normal and even convinced my love to go on a date with me, and then I fall apart and get destructive I've talked to therapists, but to be honest, it's not helped.

I can't keep causing her stress, she is on dialysis and I'm actually her caretaker. I know I'm the problem and I can't stop beating myself up. How do I break the cycle? I made this elaborate plan for myself...but I don't think I could forgive myself if I was destructive ever again.

The weekends she's often gone. I've thought about taking the next two weeks on working on myself and then trying to get us out on dates maybe weekly, just to talk. Maybe gradually add more romantic gestures like flowers back in. I don't know. I'm not really good at this stuff. Maybe I've become too attached to her? She is my only friend. I really don't know what to do. How do you fix something that has a small chance of success when you lack the much needed social skills?

Have you tried taking meds for your depression She might be willing to cut you some slack if she knows your trying to work on your depression in multiple ways instead of just trying the same stuff that isn't working.

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