Questioning my diagnosis

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Twenty months ago, at the age of forty, I was diagnosed with high functioning autism. At the time I was in a mental health ward at a hospital in a nearby town. I was there for about ten days after my wife discovered I was self harming. I left against the advice of staff because I couldn't stand being the subject of constant scrutiny and being deprived of many freedoms. At the same time the psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar type II.

Recently I was kicked off an audio forum for repeated public tantrums. A number of people there think I was being manipulative and that there wasn't anything wrong with me. One person in particular repeatedly stated that I am a weak person that wallows in self pity, motivated by trying to extract pity from others. Many people imply that I should stop acting like a victim and engage in self-actualisation.

Frankly, I have given up on life and often question my own sanity. I'm not aware of seeking self pity and at time don't seem to be able to control my behaviour. Afterwards I apologise for my behaviour, but others seem to think that this is part of the manipulation. I question myself now. Am I really being manipulative? Do I really have autism/bipolar?

A number of things in particular make me question the autism diagnosis:

1. I am able to interact socially with others, can influence other people to like me (at least for a while) and can pick up on non-verbal cues
2. I love to use and read metaphorical language
3. I left psychiatric care against the doctor's wishes (enough time for a diagnosis?)
4. Are my obsessions really obsessions, or are they just hobbies?
5. Could there be other reasons for my tantrums? They last from minutes to multiple "mental spasms" that come and go over the space of a few hours. They involve shouting, withdrawing, hiding under a bed or a corner in a foetal position and self harm (choking with a belt/cord and/or hitting myself in the head)

Please help me. I want to get better for the sake of my family. Surely an accurate treatment requires an accurate diagnosis.

Warm regards and thanks

Nathan

Forgot to add that the online manifestations of a tantrum involve spewing verbal bile of self loathing, extreme anger and frustration. They are often triggered by events that are stressful to me (but laughably trivial to many) and entail my expectations not having been met.

Accepting a diagnosis is hard under any circumstance.

While I know that you may have only seen the doctor for short periods, all the staff you interacted with and was around gave reports about you to the doctor. Thus you had many people observing and reporting the same behaviors repeatedly. The doctor based his assessment on interviewing you and reading the reports made about you.

I can also understand the idea of being crazy. However is that your idea or that of those who have interacted with you?

My suggestion is to figure out what you need to accept it. For me it was being able to watch others like myself. To be able to pick out how I was similar. That helped to put things into perspective.

Although I am younger, I can see myself in you sort of. I have never experienced not being able to understand metaphors. My only speech delay was my mouth not being able to make certain sounds, which has since been fixed. Here are some lesser issues, which I think are overlooked:

-Pacing/hand flapping/rocking back and forth.
-Spinning (did you ever do this a lot as a child?)
-Experiencing emotions at the wrong time.
-Tiredness after a social event, instead of being the same/more energetic.
-Not laughing at most jokes (not because you don't understand them, because you don't think they're funny.)

I would advise discussing your doubts with the person who diagnosed you and if you are still doubtful seek another proffessional opinion.