Why do other guys have the freedom of choice but I don't?
18 Jan 2017, 12:32 pm
Closet Genious wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Just a random thought but when they say 'improve your self' maybe they mean rather than become like them become the best you. While shyness and anxiety doesn't make you unworthy of a relationship it does stop people from seeing the real you because all they see is the shyness and anxiety.
I think what matters alot also, is how you handle your anxiety and shyness. Being shy is not a death sentence, but sometimes people overcompensate for their shyness, and it will seem weird/desperate. I don't have social anxiety, I'm not that shy either, but I'm definitely not a big talker. Many times people fall into the trap of overcompensating, because they think they need to be someone else, but they don't. Try to make the things you say connect better with people, or more interesting, and carry yourself in a relaxed manner. Don't talk alot just for the sake of talking, or to avoid being perceived as shy. Quality trumps quantity.
The reason I say this, is because it's a very common instinct for people(especially aspies) to think:"for people to like me I just need to talk more!", which I don't find true at all. While it may make some people like others, it will not necessarily make people like you, if it doesn't align with the person you are. Believe or not, but alot of people are actually attracted to someone who doesn't talk their damn ears off, this goes for both friends and partners.
To the OP, as cliché as it sounds, try to first and foremost find peace within yourself.
I wish others worded what they were saying like how you both did. It would've been more helpful.
18 Jan 2017, 4:55 pm
TheSpectrum wrote:
Ahem, I gave you the exact same advice as Alliekit did about 2 weeks ago 
I guess I missed it or didn't see it like that.
Unfortunately, trying to become a better me has been very exasperating. I'll try to do things that I feel like are my niche but I either fail at them or progress seems to be painfully slow.
18 Jan 2017, 9:44 pm
TheSpectrum wrote:
You replied to my advice in almost the exact same wording. I don't know if that is you genuinely taking it in or working to a script in order to cope but I really hope it works out for you.
I just hope that there is still hope for me even after going through ten years of hitting my head against the wall and trying all sorts of paths that typically wound up as dead ends.
19 Jan 2017, 11:40 am
I tend to have fears that any potential girlfriend will think something must be wrong with me due to how I've had a relatively empty romantic history (Only one short lived relationship) and my friendship network is small. One of my co-workers told me she's surprised I didn't go on a shooting rampage, thinking all bullied and depressed people are serial killers in waiting.
19 Jan 2017, 6:01 pm
Marknis wrote:
I tend to have fears that any potential girlfriend will think something must be wrong with me due to how I've had a relatively empty romantic history (Only one short lived relationship) and my friendship network is small. One of my co-workers told me she's surprised I didn't go on a shooting rampage, thinking all bullied and depressed people are serial killers in waiting.
Woah! Your co-worker said what?! That's just not right.
I think that when you meet someone you click with it doesn't matter who they have or haven't been with before, you're just glad that this person you like is with you now.
17 Oct 2017, 11:17 am
hurtloam wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I tend to have fears that any potential girlfriend will think something must be wrong with me due to how I've had a relatively empty romantic history (Only one short lived relationship) and my friendship network is small. One of my co-workers told me she's surprised I didn't go on a shooting rampage, thinking all bullied and depressed people are serial killers in waiting.
Woah! Your co-worker said what?! That's just not right.
I think that when you meet someone you click with it doesn't matter who they have or haven't been with before, you're just glad that this person you like is with you now.
It wasn't very uplifting to hear that at all. I've also been compared to Elliot Rodger simply because he had Aspergers and he was angry at society for deeming him unworthy of a girlfriend. I find that comparison insulting. Elliot Rodger had complexes about being biracial and was spoiled rotten by his family. I have no issues having Native American blood in my heritage and I don't feel entitled to anything so he and I should not be put in the same league.
17 Oct 2017, 5:26 pm
If people are treating you like s**t without any provocation, it is highly likely because of very unattractive appearance including hygiene. People do 'clip' the ugly guys from the herd first without warning or provocation. So many guys can't accept this but it's the truth.
It's harder if your lean, fit and strong, intelligent but people still see you as ugly looking or weak. I created a thread on male disposability.
This sort of soft despotism and gung-ho shunning and mistreatment of a lot of men that has infected society has become a complete cancer and recipe for disaster. People can't actually defend or rationalize why they've shunned a guy or rejected a guy, mistreated a guy or deemed a guy unworthy for no good reason, so they simply make up some lie like "you need to work on yourself", or they're offended by your looks but won't tell you in order to project power over another person, or they believe they're victims of non-existent events, it's just by the paranoia in their heads fueled by media propaganda and peer pressure that makes it feel its real. They will just about serve you any kind of s**t sandwich. I don't understand why we've dived this way but I think we're all brought into a world of increasing uncertainty of or futures.
In the old days of my grandfathers time you pretty much knew your life path at 14. You did an apprenticeship and were 99% guaranteed employment in that field. It made men more stable. There was little to very low level numbers of fat women also, so nearly every guy was guaranteed a girl that looked healthy and attractive enough to give him mental stability and prospective future. There was nowhere near the levels of intra-male competitiveness for thin women we see today. People married young and just having a girl opened up social avenues for you to meet more people - you met more couples and became friends for life.
Today, people invite single women out but not many single men. It's only when you've coupled with a female do the invites come.
It's like the word "kick a dog when he's down" is true. Thats what I've always noticed.
_________________
Life had kept him waiting, regretting his pain inside. Had to feel underrated, and hated, besides. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvLVSPPLZZY
18 Oct 2017, 9:49 pm
Sometime World wrote:
If people are treating you like s**t without any provocation, it is highly likely because of very unattractive appearance including hygiene. People do 'clip' the ugly guys from the herd first without warning or provocation. So many guys can't accept this but it's the truth.
It's harder if your lean, fit and strong, intelligent but people still see you as ugly looking or weak. I created a thread on male disposability.
This sort of soft despotism and gung-ho shunning and mistreatment of a lot of men that has infected society has become a complete cancer and recipe for disaster. People can't actually defend or rationalize why they've shunned a guy or rejected a guy, mistreated a guy or deemed a guy unworthy for no good reason, so they simply make up some lie like "you need to work on yourself", or they're offended by your looks but won't tell you in order to project power over another person, or they believe they're victims of non-existent events, it's just by the paranoia in their heads fueled by media propaganda and peer pressure that makes it feel its real. They will just about serve you any kind of s**t sandwich. I don't understand why we've dived this way but I think we're all brought into a world of increasing uncertainty of or futures.
In the old days of my grandfathers time you pretty much knew your life path at 14. You did an apprenticeship and were 99% guaranteed employment in that field. It made men more stable. There was little to very low level numbers of fat women also, so nearly every guy was guaranteed a girl that looked healthy and attractive enough to give him mental stability and prospective future. There was nowhere near the levels of intra-male competitiveness for thin women we see today. People married young and just having a girl opened up social avenues for you to meet more people - you met more couples and became friends for life.
Today, people invite single women out but not many single men. It's only when you've coupled with a female do the invites come.
It's like the word "kick a dog when he's down" is true. Thats what I've always noticed.
It's harder if your lean, fit and strong, intelligent but people still see you as ugly looking or weak. I created a thread on male disposability.
This sort of soft despotism and gung-ho shunning and mistreatment of a lot of men that has infected society has become a complete cancer and recipe for disaster. People can't actually defend or rationalize why they've shunned a guy or rejected a guy, mistreated a guy or deemed a guy unworthy for no good reason, so they simply make up some lie like "you need to work on yourself", or they're offended by your looks but won't tell you in order to project power over another person, or they believe they're victims of non-existent events, it's just by the paranoia in their heads fueled by media propaganda and peer pressure that makes it feel its real. They will just about serve you any kind of s**t sandwich. I don't understand why we've dived this way but I think we're all brought into a world of increasing uncertainty of or futures.
In the old days of my grandfathers time you pretty much knew your life path at 14. You did an apprenticeship and were 99% guaranteed employment in that field. It made men more stable. There was little to very low level numbers of fat women also, so nearly every guy was guaranteed a girl that looked healthy and attractive enough to give him mental stability and prospective future. There was nowhere near the levels of intra-male competitiveness for thin women we see today. People married young and just having a girl opened up social avenues for you to meet more people - you met more couples and became friends for life.
Today, people invite single women out but not many single men. It's only when you've coupled with a female do the invites come.
It's like the word "kick a dog when he's down" is true. Thats what I've always noticed.
Ummm, no. Nooooo to pretty much all of this!!
1) nobody can guarantee another’s “mental stability and prospective future”. Women are not and we’re not and have never been fairy godmothers with the ability to magically gift men with mental health. Or friends. Or anything else for that matter.
2) Politeness is the bare minimum required by social convention, as it stops the world from descending into anarchy. Everything else is gravy. Including having friends. Thus, nobody owes me or you or anybody else am explanation for why they elect to spend time with not you or not me... which is emphatically NOT the same thing as being shunned.
3) If a few people elect not to spend time with you, you can be a lovely person, they can be lovely people and you just don’t click. If everyone in your, say, junior high hates you, it’s horrible and sucks and life is hell at 13 and generally becomes less horrible a few years later. If everyone everywhere always avoids you — all the time, everywhere, well, the common denominator is YOU. Rethink the chip on your shoulder.
4) Single people, including men, absolutely have friends and social lives. A female partner is absolutely not required. I play Magic and D&D regularly and every tourney I’ve ever been to is upwards of 95% male. Since you have internet access, you have the ability to, say, organize a meetup for an activity you enjoy, join a group that does an activity you enjoy, sign up for a class that is likely to put you in contact with folks who share your interests.
18 Oct 2017, 9:58 pm
Snugglebear wrote:
Sometime World wrote:
If people are treating you like s**t without any provocation, it is highly likely because of very unattractive appearance including hygiene. People do 'clip' the ugly guys from the herd first without warning or provocation. So many guys can't accept this but it's the truth.
It's harder if your lean, fit and strong, intelligent but people still see you as ugly looking or weak. I created a thread on male disposability.
This sort of soft despotism and gung-ho shunning and mistreatment of a lot of men that has infected society has become a complete cancer and recipe for disaster. People can't actually defend or rationalize why they've shunned a guy or rejected a guy, mistreated a guy or deemed a guy unworthy for no good reason, so they simply make up some lie like "you need to work on yourself", or they're offended by your looks but won't tell you in order to project power over another person, or they believe they're victims of non-existent events, it's just by the paranoia in their heads fueled by media propaganda and peer pressure that makes it feel its real. They will just about serve you any kind of s**t sandwich. I don't understand why we've dived this way but I think we're all brought into a world of increasing uncertainty of or futures.
In the old days of my grandfathers time you pretty much knew your life path at 14. You did an apprenticeship and were 99% guaranteed employment in that field. It made men more stable. There was little to very low level numbers of fat women also, so nearly every guy was guaranteed a girl that looked healthy and attractive enough to give him mental stability and prospective future. There was nowhere near the levels of intra-male competitiveness for thin women we see today. People married young and just having a girl opened up social avenues for you to meet more people - you met more couples and became friends for life.
Today, people invite single women out but not many single men. It's only when you've coupled with a female do the invites come.
It's like the word "kick a dog when he's down" is true. Thats what I've always noticed.
It's harder if your lean, fit and strong, intelligent but people still see you as ugly looking or weak. I created a thread on male disposability.
This sort of soft despotism and gung-ho shunning and mistreatment of a lot of men that has infected society has become a complete cancer and recipe for disaster. People can't actually defend or rationalize why they've shunned a guy or rejected a guy, mistreated a guy or deemed a guy unworthy for no good reason, so they simply make up some lie like "you need to work on yourself", or they're offended by your looks but won't tell you in order to project power over another person, or they believe they're victims of non-existent events, it's just by the paranoia in their heads fueled by media propaganda and peer pressure that makes it feel its real. They will just about serve you any kind of s**t sandwich. I don't understand why we've dived this way but I think we're all brought into a world of increasing uncertainty of or futures.
In the old days of my grandfathers time you pretty much knew your life path at 14. You did an apprenticeship and were 99% guaranteed employment in that field. It made men more stable. There was little to very low level numbers of fat women also, so nearly every guy was guaranteed a girl that looked healthy and attractive enough to give him mental stability and prospective future. There was nowhere near the levels of intra-male competitiveness for thin women we see today. People married young and just having a girl opened up social avenues for you to meet more people - you met more couples and became friends for life.
Today, people invite single women out but not many single men. It's only when you've coupled with a female do the invites come.
It's like the word "kick a dog when he's down" is true. Thats what I've always noticed.
Ummm, no. Nooooo to pretty much all of this!!
1) nobody can guarantee another’s “mental stability and prospective future”. Women are not and we’re not and have never been fairy godmothers with the ability to magically gift men with mental health. Or friends. Or anything else for that matter.
2) Politeness is the bare minimum required by social convention, as it stops the world from descending into anarchy. Everything else is gravy. Including having friends. Thus, nobody owes me or you or anybody else am explanation for why they elect to spend time with not you or not me... which is emphatically NOT the same thing as being shunned.
3) If a few people elect not to spend time with you, you can be a lovely person, they can be lovely people and you just don’t click. If everyone in your, say, junior high hates you, it’s horrible and sucks and life is hell at 13 and generally becomes less horrible a few years later. If everyone everywhere always avoids you — all the time, everywhere, well, the common denominator is YOU. Rethink the chip on your shoulder.
4) Single people, including men, absolutely have friends and social lives. A female partner is absolutely not required. I play Magic and D&D regularly and every tourney I’ve ever been to is upwards of 95% male. Since you have internet access, you have the ability to, say, organize a meetup for an activity you enjoy, join a group that does an activity you enjoy, sign up for a class that is likely to put you in contact with folks who share your interests.
This I agree with.
18 Oct 2017, 10:46 pm
Actually, if people are treating you like s**t without provocation, chances are they’re horrible people and it’s nothing to do with you.
Why would you be nasty if they haven’t done anything to piss you off?
You’re allowed to be not attracted to others. Why would you be nasty unless they’re harassing you? I Only feel anger when the guy continues to make me feel extremely uncomfortable. It’s not really fair to act all “eww that guy is ugly gigle giggle whisper”. Maybe I just can’t relate to 14 year old girls anymore?
18 Oct 2017, 11:16 pm
Snugglebear wrote:
Sometime World wrote:
If people are treating you like s**t without any provocation, it is highly likely because of very unattractive appearance including hygiene. People do 'clip' the ugly guys from the herd first without warning or provocation. So many guys can't accept this but it's the truth.
It's harder if your lean, fit and strong, intelligent but people still see you as ugly looking or weak. I created a thread on male disposability.
This sort of soft despotism and gung-ho shunning and mistreatment of a lot of men that has infected society has become a complete cancer and recipe for disaster. People can't actually defend or rationalize why they've shunned a guy or rejected a guy, mistreated a guy or deemed a guy unworthy for no good reason, so they simply make up some lie like "you need to work on yourself", or they're offended by your looks but won't tell you in order to project power over another person, or they believe they're victims of non-existent events, it's just by the paranoia in their heads fueled by media propaganda and peer pressure that makes it feel its real. They will just about serve you any kind of s**t sandwich. I don't understand why we've dived this way but I think we're all brought into a world of increasing uncertainty of or futures.
In the old days of my grandfathers time you pretty much knew your life path at 14. You did an apprenticeship and were 99% guaranteed employment in that field. It made men more stable. There was little to very low level numbers of fat women also, so nearly every guy was guaranteed a girl that looked healthy and attractive enough to give him mental stability and prospective future. There was nowhere near the levels of intra-male competitiveness for thin women we see today. People married young and just having a girl opened up social avenues for you to meet more people - you met more couples and became friends for life.
Today, people invite single women out but not many single men. It's only when you've coupled with a female do the invites come.
It's like the word "kick a dog when he's down" is true. Thats what I've always noticed.
It's harder if your lean, fit and strong, intelligent but people still see you as ugly looking or weak. I created a thread on male disposability.
This sort of soft despotism and gung-ho shunning and mistreatment of a lot of men that has infected society has become a complete cancer and recipe for disaster. People can't actually defend or rationalize why they've shunned a guy or rejected a guy, mistreated a guy or deemed a guy unworthy for no good reason, so they simply make up some lie like "you need to work on yourself", or they're offended by your looks but won't tell you in order to project power over another person, or they believe they're victims of non-existent events, it's just by the paranoia in their heads fueled by media propaganda and peer pressure that makes it feel its real. They will just about serve you any kind of s**t sandwich. I don't understand why we've dived this way but I think we're all brought into a world of increasing uncertainty of or futures.
In the old days of my grandfathers time you pretty much knew your life path at 14. You did an apprenticeship and were 99% guaranteed employment in that field. It made men more stable. There was little to very low level numbers of fat women also, so nearly every guy was guaranteed a girl that looked healthy and attractive enough to give him mental stability and prospective future. There was nowhere near the levels of intra-male competitiveness for thin women we see today. People married young and just having a girl opened up social avenues for you to meet more people - you met more couples and became friends for life.
Today, people invite single women out but not many single men. It's only when you've coupled with a female do the invites come.
It's like the word "kick a dog when he's down" is true. Thats what I've always noticed.
Ummm, no. Nooooo to pretty much all of this!!
1) nobody can guarantee another’s “mental stability and prospective future”. Women are not and we’re not and have never been fairy godmothers with the ability to magically gift men with mental health. Or friends. Or anything else for that matter.
2) Politeness is the bare minimum required by social convention, as it stops the world from descending into anarchy. Everything else is gravy. Including having friends. Thus, nobody owes me or you or anybody else am explanation for why they elect to spend time with not you or not me... which is emphatically NOT the same thing as being shunned.
3) If a few people elect not to spend time with you, you can be a lovely person, they can be lovely people and you just don’t click. If everyone in your, say, junior high hates you, it’s horrible and sucks and life is hell at 13 and generally becomes less horrible a few years later. If everyone everywhere always avoids you — all the time, everywhere, well, the common denominator is YOU. Rethink the chip on your shoulder.
4) Single people, including men, absolutely have friends and social lives. A female partner is absolutely not required. I play Magic and D&D regularly and every tourney I’ve ever been to is upwards of 95% male. Since you have internet access, you have the ability to, say, organize a meetup for an activity you enjoy, join a group that does an activity you enjoy, sign up for a class that is likely to put you in contact with folks who share your interests.
That’s very well put.
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,890
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
19 Oct 2017, 1:32 am
That's a fine example why you should never reveal your AS diagnosis or even your suspicion of having it to anyone.
Let people think you're introvert or weird, it is still far better - ASBURGER sounds bad and scary, and has a bad reputation in media.
AS should be a secret for you, and you only. Not even your girlfriend has to know about it.
My gf knows nothing about it, she doesn't know about AS nor about WP, but she is aware that i am very introvert (she's extrovert) and that's how she describes me, and she associates my lack of expressing affection to this , I don't want her to google about Asperger and find out about Elliot Rodger or other psychos having it or t o see all these negative stories by NT women about their AS spouses, but she can google about Extrovert-Introvert relationships - and that's enough - , I don't believe an extra weird-sounding label would do any better.
Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 19 Oct 2017, 1:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
19 Oct 2017, 1:40 am
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
That's a fine example why you should never reveal your AS diagnosis or even your suspicion of having it to anyone.
Let people think you're introvert or weird, it is still far better - ASBURGER sounds bad and scary, and has a bad reputation in media.
AS should be a secret for you, and you only. Not even your girlfriend has to know about it.
My gf knows nothing about it, she doesn't know about AS nor about WP, but she is aware that i am very introvert (she's extrovert) and that's how she describes me, and she associates my lack of expressing affection to this , I don't want her to google about Asperger and see all these negative stories by NT women about their AS spouses, but she can google about Extrovert-Introvert relationships - and that's enough - , I don't believe an extra weird-sounding label would do any better.
Let people think you're introvert or weird, it is still far better - ASBURGER sounds bad and scary, and has a bad reputation in media.
AS should be a secret for you, and you only. Not even your girlfriend has to know about it.
My gf knows nothing about it, she doesn't know about AS nor about WP, but she is aware that i am very introvert (she's extrovert) and that's how she describes me, and she associates my lack of expressing affection to this , I don't want her to google about Asperger and see all these negative stories by NT women about their AS spouses, but she can google about Extrovert-Introvert relationships - and that's enough - , I don't believe an extra weird-sounding label would do any better.
I just see AS as a label for specific personality traits. Your partner will know your personality, what they don't need is a label that'll distract them from the person and instead associate stereotypes with you. It's not like they can scan your brain and point to the part that shows you have autism.
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