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Pizzapastacoke
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16 Jan 2017, 7:12 am

I am an NT while my boyfriend is an Aspie. We've been dating for several months and I love him very much. He was the one who said "I love you" to me first and he said it very early on in our relationship. He doesn't say it often but he still does every now and then, not on a regular basis unlike I do. I noticed that when I say "I love you" to him, he seems like to struggle saying "I love you too" back to me. Also when I text him this at the end of my message, he doesn't reciprocate. It doesn't really bother me because I know he loves me and would initiate telling me so -- rarely but he does. I'm just wondering what are the possible explanations for this.



unityofknowledge
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16 Jan 2017, 7:47 am

I've worried in the past that if I say it too much it will lose meaning and so I restrain myself from saying it at appropriate times in order to defy normative expectations and preserve the meaning.



Pizzapastacoke
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16 Jan 2017, 9:07 am

So should I stop saying it as well?

unityofknowledge wrote:
I've worried in the past that if I say it too much it will lose meaning and so I restrain myself from saying it at appropriate times in order to defy normative expectations and preserve the meaning.



AngelRho
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16 Jan 2017, 9:48 am

Pizzapastacoke wrote:
So should I stop saying it as well?

unityofknowledge wrote:
I've worried in the past that if I say it too much it will lose meaning and so I restrain myself from saying it at appropriate times in order to defy normative expectations and preserve the meaning.

Perhaps saying it so frequently. Some people tend to obsess over it. Others feel creeped out by it. There's no rationality either way, so it just comes down to what couples are comfortable with.

Keep in mind love is an action, not an emotion. Say "I love you" more by what you DO. To quote George R.R. Martin: "Words are wind."



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16 Jan 2017, 10:01 am

Pizzapastacoke wrote:
I am an NT while my boyfriend is an Aspie. We've been dating for several months and I love him very much. He was the one who said "I love you" to me first and he said it very early on in our relationship. He doesn't say it often but he still does every now and then, not on a regular basis unlike I do. I noticed that when I say "I love you" to him, he seems like to struggle saying "I love you too" back to me. Also when I text him this at the end of my message, he doesn't reciprocate. It doesn't really bother me because I know he loves me and would initiate telling me so -- rarely but he does. I'm just wondering what are the possible explanations for this.


OK, this is what I heard from some other Aspies and you all can tell me if it's true: I was told that Aspies think that if you have already said it once, then it shouldn't need to be said again. If they change the way they feel about you and fall out of love, then they will tell you.

However, I said if NT's stop saying it, then you know there is something wrong with the relationship. The exact opposite. :mrgreen:


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feral botanist
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16 Jan 2017, 10:16 am

In the book A fieldguide to earthlings, the author talks about how with NTs, things lose meaning over time if the meaning is not reafirmed regularly, but with NDs, there is much less of this.

There is a joke about this. A woman takes her husband to a get divoroced. The judges asks her why. She resonds he doesnt love me. We have been married 20 years and he hasnt told me he loves me in all that time.
The judge turns to the man and asks, is this true. He looks at the judge baffled and says, when we got married I told her I loved her and I would let her know if anything changed.



nurseangela
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16 Jan 2017, 10:25 am

feral botanist wrote:
In the book A fieldguide to earthlings, the author talks about how with NTs, things lose meaning over time if the meaning is not reafirmed regularly, but with NDs, there is much less of this.

There is a joke about this. A woman takes her husband to a get divoroced. The judges asks her why. She resonds he doesnt love me. We have been married 20 years and he hasnt told me he loves me in all that time.
The judge turns to the man and asks, is this true. He looks at the judge baffled and says, when we got married I told her I loved her and I would let her know if anything changed.


Then it must be true! :mrgreen:

What you said about losing meaning over time with NTs is true.


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whatamievendoing
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16 Jan 2017, 11:02 am

AngelRho wrote:
Keep in mind love is an action, not an emotion.


I argue that it's both.


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feral botanist
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16 Jan 2017, 2:11 pm

whatamievendoing wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Keep in mind love is an action, not an emotion.


I argue that it's both.


Not sure what that means.



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16 Jan 2017, 2:20 pm

feral botanist wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Keep in mind love is an action, not an emotion.


I argue that it's both.


Not sure what that means.


The way I see it, there are two different "stages" of love: an emotional stage followed by an action stage. You fall in love, which is the former stage, and either things progress from there or they don't. If they do, and if you put up with your partner no matter what they might do, that's the latter stage.

Hope that gave you a satisfactory explanation.


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16 Jan 2017, 7:31 pm

whatamievendoing wrote:
feral botanist wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Keep in mind love is an action, not an emotion.


I argue that it's both.


Not sure what that means.


The way I see it, there are two different "stages" of love: an emotional stage followed by an action stage. You fall in love, which is the former stage, and either things progress from there or they don't. If they do, and if you put up with your partner no matter what they might do, that's the latter stage.

Hope that gave you a satisfactory explanation.



I would use diffetent terms, but that is understandable.



Pizzapastacoke
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17 Jan 2017, 12:13 am

Thank you all for your replies. The different perspectives definitely opens the mind. Me saying "I love you" is one of my expressions of love. I don't expect him to say it back and I don't feel bad when he doesn't reciprocate. It was simply a mystery to me. I suppose I should keep on saying it. Knowing my Aspie, he's very confrontational so if it makes him uncomfortable, he will tell me.



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17 Jan 2017, 8:23 am

nurseangela wrote:
feral botanist wrote:
In the book A fieldguide to earthlings, the author talks about how with NTs, things lose meaning over time if the meaning is not reafirmed regularly, but with NDs, there is much less of this.

There is a joke about this. A woman takes her husband to a get divoroced. The judges asks her why. She resonds he doesnt love me. We have been married 20 years and he hasnt told me he loves me in all that time.
The judge turns to the man and asks, is this true. He looks at the judge baffled and says, when we got married I told her I loved her and I would let her know if anything changed.


Then it must be true! :mrgreen:

What you said about losing meaning over time with NTs is true.

I wouldn't even say just NTs. I grew up saying it several times a day to family members and now that I'm in a relationship we say I love you like twice a day. We're both aspies. I personally do need reaffirmation of these things.


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17 Jan 2017, 11:32 am

feral botanist wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
feral botanist wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Keep in mind love is an action, not an emotion.


I argue that it's both.


Not sure what that means.


The way I see it, there are two different "stages" of love: an emotional stage followed by an action stage. You fall in love, which is the former stage, and either things progress from there or they don't. If they do, and if you put up with your partner no matter what they might do, that's the latter stage.

Hope that gave you a satisfactory explanation.



I would use diffetent terms, but that is understandable.

There's a distinction between emotional "desire" or even "lust" and true love. I think of emotional "love" as really a value, an object that possesses great value. Many of us desire another person just enough to do what it takes to get a commitment from them. Once IN a relationship, you find out just how much you really value someone. Will you do what it takes EVERY DAY to keep them?

If love is simply a value, then I could say that the love I have for my SO is no different than the love I have for my favorite book, song, or musical instrument. I love my clarinet enough to pull it from a burning building. I love my wife enough to ignore my clarinet and save her if I had to choose between the two.

Do I love her enough to keep dishes clean, meals prepared, children cared for? I like to think that I do, I SAY that I do, but merely saying I want a better life for her because I love her isn't making our relationship any better. Love isn't enough. Words are wind. How much you really love someone is in what you DO, not what you say or merely "feel."

[note: we do have a fabulous relationship, and I'm not implying otherwise. Everyone wants better for themselves and those they care about. The willingness of the mind and spirit is often defeated by physical or psychological limits. Where the will defeats those limits is where love truly shines, when one person says, "You know? I really DO love you enough to ___, and never again will I ___," or whatever. That's when you witness miracles and permanent life-changes, complete transformations beyond mental/physical disability. NT/ND, you will rip the entire earth apart for what you value the most and nothing can stop you. The difficulty is in coming to a place where you are so weary of the status quo and you start to believe just a little bit.]