Everything makes sense now... can we talk about it?!

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Am where you are at the minute, autism is my current obsession and finding out the more I read about it the more my life now makes sense. I feeling very anxious about going to my doctor about it thou.

Yes, I don't now how to overcome that problem. I was very lucky that I had enough funds to see a private specialist, because the idea of trying to persuade a doctor that there was a problem was just not something I was equipped to deal with. Especially as I (apparently) present so well no-one notices there is a problem. I have faced many challenges in life which were extremely uncomfortable, but they have strengthened me and taught me a set of coping mechanisms which get me through. But it took a very long time to get there.

As to this love feeling thing...that's kind of a complicated problem. You could read up on something called oxytocin. Supposedly autistic people have less oxytocin than neurotypical people. I'm NT but I'm married to a man with Asperger's and we have many autistic people in our family. I feel this "being loved" feeling from my NT son and animals when I look at or touch them (to cuddle my son or pet my cats for example). I don't think it works that way with the autistic people in my family. I think I get that feeling from them when they talk to me, or do something considerate (like bringing me my favorite chocolate or texting me about something funny).

Maybe it would help if you could define what kind of thoughtfulness or loving behavior matters to you and then you could take note of who around you displays a lot of this behavior and who does not? Such as...let's say you have a friend who is always tagging you on social media or texting you or trying to hang out- even if this annoys you sometimes. Maybe that person loves you- as a friend or a family member or whatever. So it's not so much trying to force unnatural feelings upon yourself but more of an increasing mindfulness?

Just an idea anyway.

You're just full of bright ideas you are... must have been at this a while. The Oxytocin subject is incredibly interesting and without trying to attach to it, worth a large amount of investigation for me.

Another side just to complicate things, is I flip flop to and from reality beliefs, usually triggered by "episodes" if that's what I can call it. In the moment the realities are real (yet still observed without ability to alter course), and can be overly emotional and empathetic, OR angry (tantrum like) without the ability for true empathy, but all is observed by the disassociated self! A real treat!

If I understand correctly from the little amount I have seen so far, more Oxytocin in my system should theoretically help with the feelings I describe of not feeling loved etc, this is looking at it in a perfect world scenario if we can endulge for now. The opposing theory I have to this, my question is... could it have an opposite effect bases on my OVER empathetic self that I find myself being at other times. Maybe this points to something disrupting the OXTR giving my mixed outward or felt behaviors?

None the less an awesome one to look in to.

it was really neat reading your traits i could relate to a lot of them too!! ! i pick my skin Very badly, it affects my ability to get ready in the morning because we have 30 minutes to get dressed and stuff and sometimes i do nothing but stare into space and pick at my skin for 15+ minutes Dx i pick in public too its not flattering but i cant stop did you know its called dermatillomania? thats a bfrb (bodily focused repetitive behavior)!

also i get the nails on chalkboatd feeling too!! ! even just thinking about cotton balls gave me bad shivers! i get the same feeling with apples (specifically the skin) and frozen squeaky green beans. if i get that feeling i have to get rid of the feeling by licking my teeth or touching a better texture. do you do anything like this too?

also autism is one of my obsessions too except my family doesnt believe i am so i cant talk about it with them at all :/ sometimes they talk about autism regarding to other people and theyre Terribly misunderstood i wish all the time i can correct them!

I've been constantly picking at the skin under my nails for some time now. I don't know why I won't stop doing it. I guess I don't like the way my skin looks. Dry patches of skin around your nail bed look annoying. I feel so much better that I'm not the only one with weird habits. Also isn't oxytocin only released in pregnant women?