Everything makes sense now... can we talk about it?!

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I have been experiencing an overwhelming sense of realization when I am researching autism, and I'd like to talk about it all. Maybe you want to talk about it too?

I am making this post for several reasons:

1) As autism is one of my current obsessions, I constantly want to talk about it and have worn my family out on the subject. This is a way of scratching that itch without driving my family insane.

2) As most anyone in this phase of searching for a diagnosis, I feel the need to "plead my case" and list my traits and reasons for believing I have autism and get meaningful feedback.

3) I want to make a space for others to do the same.


Here is my case:
(To be edited as I think of things to add)

:::Current Diagnosis:::
I have been diagnosed with PTSD, OCD, Panic Disorder, General Anxiety and Depression.

:::WARNING: DISTRACTED RANT:::
Trouble is, when I saw my counselor person, I had just moved out of a very abusive household at 16. I was in shock and was confused. I was missing memories from the trauma and had gone through a huge life change - not a great time for aspires to think straight and communicate clearly. I'd moved schools, I was living in a shelter, I was stressed and I had no idea how to communicate my discomforts, my fears, what to tell or ask the woman, and she only saw a traumatized child. We never talked about anything before the abuse or who I was without it. We only talked about what it did to me. So we never talked about stimming, intrusive thoughts, skin-picking, not being able to recognize people I've met before because they weren't wearing the same scarf or whatever, my obsessions with subjects or people! I've gotten by just on the idea that "every one struggles" and thought maybe I was being self-centered by thinking I was different. I was accused of being self-centered a lot as a child, and my boyfriend still lovingly describes me as "inconsiderate". He says he knows I have no mal-intent, and would have wanted to do a nice thing, but lack the ability to consider other people without actively thinking about it.
:::RANT OVER:::

:::Test scores:::
I know these aren't diagnostic, but it's nice to have numbers to make sense of things anyway.

-Rdos-
Neurodiverse: 166/200
NT: 60/200

AQ: 35 (32 and up meaning likely diverse)

EQ: 15 (NT average score is 42.0 and females with ASD average is 23.

:::Traits:::

Stimming:

-I rub my fingers together, like I'm scratching the side of my pointer or middle finger with my thumb
-rock back and forth, side to side...
-bounce my leg
-rub my legs, arms, eyes
-pick at EVERYTHING! Bumps, scabs, bug bites, you name it. I can't stop myself. It was worse when I was younger but it is still a problem daily.

Sensory Issues

Touch:
Some of the major things that give me the heebie jeebies: (that 'nails on the chalkboard' feeling)
-Certain Cottons (like cotton balls or wet sweaters)
-Clothing that is too tight or too loose
-Sequins on clothes if they touch my arms on accident (though, I do enjoy picking them off)
-Water on my elbows!! !

Sight:
-Orange/blue colorblind kind of: if there are blue words on an orange background or vice versa, it can become blurry and difficult to read. ASD trait? No idea. Just note worthy, maybe others experience similar problems?
-I'm distracted by sight quite a bit and often find myself looking at my feet when I walk around town to avoid overstimulation.

Hearing:
Loud/repetitive/sudden sounds cause anxiety quickly and fiercely. Especially rising sounds like a motorcycle coming closer, etc.

Smell/taste:
Texture is more important than flavor. I COULD NOT EAT coconut or Lima Beans when I was younger. Still can't stand coconut, haven't tried Lima Beans since then.

Social Traits
:::Social Anxiety/Helplessness:::
Here is me in almost any conversation-especially group conversations.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you"
"Nobody is listening to me, I talked too long again."
"Hahaha"(I missed whatever she said, but everyone else is laughing so) "hahaha"
"Sorry, I can't hear you over the..."
"I didn't mean to sound rude, I was just stating..."

Constantly.

There is much more, which I will be adding as I think of it and have the time to write it out.

That must have been a hard time, living in the shelter. But you prevailed, despite (or maybe because of) your autism.

Have you any "special interests?" For some reason, oceanography comes to mind.

Haha. I'm actually hardly interested in the ocean, even though it is my name.

I do have special interests, though. Specific musicals, I can (must) listen to them until I know every word and every pause. I also get intense urges to learn about a given subject and neglect to pay any mind to anything else. I get obsessed and miss sleep and sometimes meals because of it. Then all at once or sometimes over a period of time, the obsession goes away and I can't even concentrate on it anymore. This has happened with computer sciences, HTML, languages, maths, sewing, painting, all sorts of things.

Do you like "My Fair Lady/Pygmalion?"

I was diagnosed at age 3 in 1964 with classic autism. About a year later, it was brain injury/damage. I did not speak till
age 5.5.

I wasn't introspective about it as a child; at times I thought about it as an adolescent.

I think of myself as Kraftie first, then as somebody on the Spectrum.

I haven't seen those ones. I know it's rediculous that I haven't since I love musicals so much, but I've seen surprisingly few. I get very obsessed with them when I find one I like and just watch that one over and over.

I agree. This diagnosis wouldn't change me, but it would help me understand the world and myself a bit better.

I read something that said, "If you think you're autistic, you're most likely autistic." Meaning the symptoms are easy to self-diagnose, so I think there is a high chance you're autistic. Have you ever been bad at processing what people say in a short period of time? Or have you ever expressed emotions at the wrong time?

Um, yes. I tend to take a moment to process anything verbal. This is when I often experience echolalia. I will repeat a word they said while processing it all. It drives some people crazy. And I always ask bosses to write lists for me so I can remember and take notes for later.

I giggle when I'm nervous, so I've given people the idea that I find something funny when I'm actually nervous. More often, people think I'm serious when I'm not. I think I'm doing a bit of dry humor, but nobody gets the humor part. It can be quite funny when people take me seriously and I'm joking.

I would guess you have a difficult time with change and multitasking (including conversations involving multiple people)

This statement to me, could not be more accurate in the way I feel too, so thanks for putting words to it.

I'm a 43 yo male and have lived my life up until this point with several diagnosis searching for something I knew was there... After being diagnosed with but not in this order; depression, anxiety, ADD (inattentive), and going through a cycle of believing it, taking pills for it (which I hate), trying to be "normal", suffering through renouncing what I have said to friends and family about "what's wrong with me" because I don't believe it now (embarrassing), I keep searching with an even heavier heart and feeling of despair.

Although I do seem to suffer very heavy depression, I have not agreed anymore with these diagnoses for some time now, and have stopped taking prescribed pills that doctors give because I don't agree with it. Reading about the ASD has bought a completely new perspective to the way I am looking at my supposed problems.

However, along with this it seems there is also an overwhelming disinclination to investigate by professional means for the fear that I will not be found by some experts to be on the autistic spectrum, even though it would explain in detail my childhood, my teens, my career choices, and my relationships, hands down without doubt.

In essence I'm truly scared to be turned down a diagnosis of what I feel is exactly the case. I was brought up in a world where "you just get on with it", and I'm scared to find out I'm just a weak person who can't handle life. On the other hand it would be really relieving to find a professional that would agree with me, and other pros that may be able to help with my specifics, because life in the last year has been spiraling in front of me without control.

One of the largest issues I have is not being able to have someone console me with a touch or a hug or anything and in fact makes me feel even more on the outside when reacting to it. Although hurt many times by this, my partner is amazing and strong, and is starting to understand and work with me on this problem as we both recognise the potential ASD side of it. I am very introspective (and far too critical with it I'm told) and I see everything going on but am unable to control this to the extent of trying so very hard to grow by trying to push through the emotional pain it gives me to allow someone to hug/touch me when I'm upset, but I just can't do it! (Cyclic feelings of failure there blah...) Am I trying to emulate what I have been taught and trying to do something that is just not natural to me, for example should I just be ok with somebody not wanting to touch me and teach them that it's ok not to touch me? But at the same time I want to be able to have them touch me... Am I fighting my own emotion, or a taught one. This just drives me crazy! I want to feel consoled and loved and have a hug if I'm down depressed or crying. But I don't, I feel lonely because I can't.

I liked like your list of attributes when you stated them as colour sound etc. I plan to share a similar list because for some reason I have the need to vocalise it here. Maybe I'm hoping seeing it in one place in the right environment may help me somehow?

All I know is this realisation and investigation into the ASD has definitively piqued my attention with great feelings of fitment. I hope that doesn't sound too dumb. This is literally my first post here except a hello, so feeling a bit nervous about what I say and how people react.

Thought Orbit. I welcome you. thank you for posting. I know it was difficult but we did it! We posted! I feel like I can post here a bit easier than most places because the people here will understand my difficulties.

ASpartofme: You are 100% correct. Funny thing; My resume says "excellent multitasking abilities" because my high school career counselor said it looks good, but I realized recently that I should replace it with "detail oriented". Hahaha.

Welcome to Wrong Planet Oceana and Thought Object

Oceana:
I found this social group for Autistic adults in the Portland Area
Dorks on Parade: A Social Group for Portland Autistic Adults

I agree that Detail Oriented would be better for your resume.

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 19 Jan 2017, 4:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you very much for finding that! I'm going to check it out.

Having just come through this process myself (I got my diagnosis last week) I can thoroughly relate to a lot of what is being said. Not all of it, obviously, as we are all different, but I kind of had this gradual realisation that there might be something more going on that was causing all the social difficulties I experienced, and the more I read about Aspergers in women, the more I thought it described me very well.

I also had the fear that what if I was wrong, and I was just rubbish at talking to people and making friends, that the kind of problems I had were normal for everyone and I just had to get over it. And of course having a somewhat (or maybe very) obsessive mind I just kept going over it my thoughts kept spinning in circles and looking things up, and doing online tests and so on. It just kept getting more intense until I went for my assessment with a specialist. And it turned out I was exactly where I thought I was or rather where I hoped I was.

I think getting it confirmed was the best thing I could have done, it has just helped me to know how to handle things, to be aware of the kind of situations that will cause me difficulties and not to be afraid of how my brain works. Obviously it's early days, but the relief I am feeling right now is making coping with the small details a lot easier. I don't fully know anyone's else situation, but from what you guys are saying, it sounds like you may be onto something and it might be worth finding out more. The very fact that you are doing so much research and writing lists about your symptoms is in itself a bit of a clue.

Unfortunately, whether it be right or wrong. I am inherently struck with another issue that may Hinder this process and why I am so apprehensive. My assumption at this point is you guys are in the United States where things seem to be a little more accepted, with people intensely interested in a subjective look at the possibilities and know it can be a real thing.

I believe the difference in the country I live, is we are not quite as evolved in the acceptance of these sorts of things and there are more people trying to prove against it than accept it in my opinion, maybe that's incorrect? Social/public opinion recognises the possibility and talks about it, but unless there are extreme cases (more obvious ASD) you cannot be seen as any different. How do you explain the turmoil and pain and difficulties when you are seemingly normal, it's a conundrum.

Many people here are from other English speaking countries, like the UK and Australia. I believe those two countries are ahead of the US when it comes to adult autism research. China has a lot of interesting things that come out about children.

Just a thought about hugging- what about a big, tight, bearhug kind of a hug? Does that feel different than a regular hug? I would suggest that you explore variants of touching to see if there is something that feels nice to you. I definitely would not suggest continuing any kind of touching that feels bad to you, no matter how normal it's supposed to be.

Wow! I never thought of something like that! Thats why I'm here, just eveone and their ideas and understanding. Nice. Yet to be convinced that it would work but the concept feels quite logically awesome to me. Getting near me too would be part of the problem thinking about it. There's quite a real physical bubble, like a dome sheltering me, I can't see it. But nothing said through it is believed, no love can be felt through it, my certainty that everyone doesn't like or puts up with me exists in there, I don't need help in there, I am so alone in there... but it's my default when I trigger off things which I am never really good at recognising either. Even in hind sight *sigh* Such a good suggestion though, I can see how that could really work for some people.