Do I have POCD OR AM I A PEDO? NEED HELP

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I’m 17, male, bigreyromantic(rarely get attraction to anyone and doesn’t last long) hetero-asexual and in need of help right now

(basically my diary)
7/1/17

I watched a video on Youtube about interviewing a pedophile and in the pedo’s picture was a child and for a second I felt like I was attracted to him and that made me want to f*****g not want to be alive. I couldn’t stop thinking about I was one, then I looked at a picture of a small girl and I felt attracted to her too for some reason. (I’m not sure what kind of attraction it was because at the time I assumed it was romantic and at the time what I feel first is basically is what is “true” to me even though it could have just been admiration that made me feel good.) I also kind of ended up staring at the kid on screen for like 10 seconds and that made me feel like I was one even though CP doesn’t turn me on.

None of this has ever happened before though and when I looked at kids in the past; none of them made me feel “attracted” for them. It could have just been family-like love though. I feel like I shouldn’t have figured this out at all and that there’s no chance for me even if I didn’t think I was a pedo and I thought they looked good, the thought of them wouldn’t really be on my mind at all like a “crush” would be because I do believe that what I was experiencing was exaggerated feelings brought on by “POCD”(which I heard about online from research), then the thoughts from POCD continued afterwards without really stopping. (I also find kids insanely annoying in real life btw)

I don’t want to have sex with them, and maybe I’m just confused but no one has made me feel like that for ages.(I’ve been mildly attracted to my same age before but it was probably just in admiration) I only ever feel sexually attracted to much older guys(20-60) and I can remember one time where I tried out “teen gay porn” and it turned me off real quick because watching people my own age do porn felt weird at the time.

I do remember when I’ve had crushes on girls but that was when I was 10 and I remember 2 girls I was attracted to that were the same age as me. The thing is that I can only remember the crushes lasting a moment, like with the kids now.

I have heard that some pedos aren’t just attracted to kids though and that they can “blend” in by just finding someone of their own age.

Update 9/1/17

After a couple of panic attacks and a bit of research, I can finally say that I did not even feel romantic attraction towards them. People can feel platonic love for younger people and it’s not weird even if it may be suspicious that it’s only happened from me looking at them. I thought they looked good and I’m allowed to say that because I’ve felt the same about most people, and just the fact I’m saying it about a child (I hope)isn’t being weird. It’s my over-obsessional irrational thoughts of “what if’” that keep making me think that I did feel “attraction”.

(me trying to convince myself that the thoughts are wrong but failing)

The fact I “could one day feel real romantic attraction to kids(according to my thoughts, who said that I already did)” will probably be always with me because I don’t normally feel attracted to anyone that is my age or older. Maybe my romantic attraction just really isn’t there but if it was I feel like I could have felt romantic attraction, but that’s probably just the POCD talking.

I also do meditation(note I do this basically everyday for 30 mins minimum) where I try to focus how I feel but no matter how much I try, I know OCD feelings won’t go away because I haven’t got a real answer that proves that I’m not a pedophile.

I feel like I can’t be in public without at least thinking of it once and it’s making me feel like a “threat” or that I’m “not welcome”. I also feel that by feeling what I did, that “I can’t go back to the person I was before I saw that” for some reason.

When I was having panic attacks, I’ve had images of myself literally making child porn but it doesn’t turn me on but something could trick me into thinking that I was into it when I wasn’t. I’ve also had thoughts of “possibly being in a relationship with a kid” manifest from feelings that are probably just f*****g harmless. I also had thoughts of “having to hide this forever into my 40s-70s”.

It does sound more like an ocd thing rather than you being an actual pedo. It could also be both, and you know its wrong and feel guilty which it causing you to have panic attacks and obsess about it even more. You should probably seek professional help if you aren't already. A professional could treat both problems and get to the root of why you've been thinking that way.

Sounds like typical POCD to me

The anxiety you feel, the obsessive researching, the thought loops concerning 'what if' scenarios, and searching for a solid answer are all OCD reactions to these kinds of thoughts.

Have you had OCD symptoms before now.

I've been treated for this and it was very effective so my advice is go seek a CBT therapist who has experience in OCD. It's hard to talk about at first but in doing so you start to take back control for yourself.

Remember, you are not your thoughts. We all have many unplanned thoughts go through our minds each day. It's not the thoughts that matter but the interpretation we give them and how we choose to react. When you have thoughts like this the best thing to do is to simply let them pass, don't dwell on them. This sounds hard and it is at first but as time goes by it gets easier. Also, try not to avoid situations where these thoughts may be triggered, this only adds to their power.

Topic was opened by a repetitive sock puppet (who has been banned again).