Adult son over 30 refuses to ever marry or have an LTR.

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Britte
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13 Feb 2017, 9:14 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
I'm just trying to understand what my family is thinking with such contradictory messages.


There comes a point in the process of trying to find logic, or make sense of something that just doesn't make sense, when I realize that the only solution is to let it go, accept the situation as is, and move on.



Onyxaxe
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13 Feb 2017, 9:30 pm

I'm about to turn 28. I'm not as obstinate as you but I totally get it. I have bouts of asexualism after trying to date lol. That is not a coincidence lol



pddtwinmom
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14 Feb 2017, 12:05 am

So, the only thing that I'll add is that grandparents often want their progeny to have kids for THEM! When you get older, the joy you get from living often comes from those who are younger. So, your grandparents' desire for you to have children may be about their thoughts for your welfare, but probably not. It's more likely about their desire to have more babies to love. And that's super normal. And has nothing to do with you and your life specifically. And you should feel free to ignore it as well. Because it is your life after all. But, I wouldn't take it personally. Old people love babies, especially if they're family.



ASDMommyASDKid
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14 Feb 2017, 7:30 am

Aspie1 wrote:
Lol. My parents begrudgingly made peace with my anti-marital stance, just as they made peace with me moving out of their house 10 years ago. My grandmother, not so much. She keeps telling me how nice it'll be to get married. At the same time, she always says how I'll be required to sacrifice or learn to live without life's pleasures if my wife doesn't like it. Such as going out dancing or having a dog. And my whole family still pesters me that I move back into my parents' house. After nearly a decade of total freedom to boot.

Now, may I ask: How the hell is THAT supposed to motivate me to get married? All opinions are welcome. I'm just trying to understand what my family is thinking with such contradictory messages.


You know, I thought about this a little bit and I wonder if you family wanting to move back home has to do with who is going to take care of your parents when they are old.

Traditional families tend to believe if you are a single person you should stay living at home while you are single and if you are stuck there is single status once parents age, you are officially in charge of care taking for your parents.

I wonder if that is what they are trying to make sure happens. Usually that person is a daughter, and so I wonder if they also want you to stay home and marry for that reason. Maybe they figure a wife will end up being the caretaker in the end.

As far as motivate, they are not trying to motivate you using persuasive speech they are trying to manipulate you with obligations. It apparently does not even occur to them that they need to make it sound pleasant. If in their minds, if marrying and procreating is an obligatory rite of passage than persuasion is irrelevant. They are telling you you need to get your shite together and grow up b/c that is what they mean. I say this because when I was in grad school my mom, asked me (rhetorically) when I was going to get a life--meaning pair bonding and children. I have a feeling this is the same way of thinking about this as your family has. They want you to stop doing what they consider to be irresponsible and childish (in theri opinion) and grow up as they define that term.

Edited to fix the quoting.



Aspie1
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14 Feb 2017, 8:35 am

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
As far as motivate, they are not trying to motivate you using persuasive speech they are trying to manipulate you with obligations. It apparently does not even occur to them that they need to make it sound pleasant. If in their minds, if marrying and procreating is an obligatory rite of passage than persuasion is irrelevant. They are telling you you need to get your shite together and grow up b/c that is what they mean. I say this because when I was in grad school my mom, asked me (rhetorically) when I was going to get a life--meaning pair bonding and children. I have a feeling this is the same way of thinking about this as your family has. They want you to stop doing what they consider to be irresponsible and childish (in theri opinion) and grow up as they define that term.
I've been deflecting their "persuasions" with deadpan or ironic humor. For example:

Family: "How did you weekend go?" (I was out at a rock concert with my Meetup group.)
Aspie1: "I saw a cover band in a bar. Here." (Shows a photo of me side-hugging two girls, 'cause we're drunk.)
Family: "They're beautiful, especially that one. (to the left of me) You should settle down with one of them."
Aspie1: "God forbid! They're just friends, and I want it that way." (That's mostly true, even though they're fun.)
Family: <speechless>

The motive for showing a picture of myself with women, in a friendly but dominant pose, is to look cool and alpha. While the social proofing concept is mainly for dating, I'm pretty sure that a man who looks alpha would get more respect in his family too. And if they imagine me doing something more-than-friendly with those girls, that's on them. Also, when talking to male family members, I mention being terrified of baby rabies in women my age. They just shrug it off, but I think they at least partially understand, since I tell everyone that I don't want marriage or kids.

My entire family was actually against me moving out in the first place, all while encouraging my older sister to do the same thing. As a result, when I first moved out, I started doing things like drinking whiskey at breakfast, driving recklessly, staying out until 6:00 AM, and having sex with escorts. I now mellowed out about all of these, except the last one ;). My family are none the wiser, other than knowing I'm always out late.



Britte
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14 Feb 2017, 10:30 am

based on some additional details you provided, in regard to your family's treatment of you, all of which speaks volumes, in my opinion, it would seem safe to say, that your parents could be having a difficult time, witnessing the freedom and independence you've acquired for yourself, and I think it might also be the case, that their motivation for encouraging you to move back into their home, would be for the purpose of reestablishing a sense of control over you. I could be wrong, of course, but, some of their behaviors are extremely reminiscent of an encounter I had with a controlling work-associate.

Good on you, for all of your accomplishments!



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14 Feb 2017, 1:35 pm

Britte wrote:
based on some additional details you provided, in regard to your family's treatment of you, all of which speaks volumes, in my opinion, it would seem safe to say, that your parents could be having a difficult time, witnessing the freedom and independence you've acquired for yourself, and I think it might also be the case, that their motivation for encouraging you to move back into their home, would be for the purpose of reestablishing a sense of control over you. I could be wrong, of course, but, some of their behaviors are extremely reminiscent of an encounter I had with a controlling work-associate.

Good on you, for all of your accomplishments!

That analysis makes sense to me.


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Aspie1
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14 Feb 2017, 10:48 pm

Britte wrote:
based on some additional details you provided, in regard to your family's treatment of you, all of which speaks volumes, in my opinion, it would seem safe to say, that your parents could be having a difficult time, witnessing the freedom and independence you've acquired for yourself, and I think it might also be the case, that their motivation for encouraging you to move back into their home, would be for the purpose of reestablishing a sense of control over you.
Control has been a competitive sport in my family since the day I became self-aware. I just always lost because I was the youngest, and because I had zero social skills (read: cunning) due to my AS. So I just got used to being powerless, and over the years, learned when to give in for peace and when to fight tooth and nail. And now that I finally have a good amount of power over my life, I refuse to allow a "significant other" to waltz into my life and take it away from me.

However, the hurtful thing isn't my family trying to reassert control. Because even if it's true, I'm better at competing for it than before. The hurtful thing is them viewing me as marriage fodder, rather than a person in my own right. (My friends' girlfriends used to view me like that, until I told them how I felt about all relationships.) I also didn't like that my family thought I was going settle down with any women who takes a cuddly picture with me. As well as neglect the fact that I enjoy these women's company specifically because they're not interested in settling down with me.

I suppose it helps to think of it as karma coming back to me. Namely, when I was 18, and a girl showed romantic interest in me for the first time, I wasn't attracted to her personally. I just wanted "a girlfriend" (read: didn't care who), and she happened to step up for the role. In other words, I viewed her as relationship fodder without realizing it. Specifically relationship, not sex; due to the false messages I picked up from teenage sitcoms, I figured she'd expect me to wait at least a year. Funny how things come full circle!



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20 Feb 2017, 10:24 am

If I had a son like that, I'd think he was probably aromantic like me.