Adult son over 30 refuses to ever marry or have an LTR.

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I'm going to do something new here: present my own situation from other people's point of view. (Is that what empathy is? ) Basically, the "adult son" is me. Let's say you have an adult son, who's now over 30, and he says he will never get married, and even winces at the thought of a serious relationship.

For reasons beyond the scope of this thread, you know absolutely nothing about your son's dating life, outside of him never having brought a lady home. Throughout all his post-puberty years, he never talked about it, and you never asked about it. The few times you said something, he just claimed ignorance or deflected the topic with a joke, or when pushed, said he "doesn't want to go to prison" (in specific tone of voice you already know). On better days, he had vaguely mentioned "going to the movies with this girl" or "meeting this girl in [town name]", but you know nothing beyond that. Not her name, not where he met her, or even if she was a friend or a romantic candidate. And again, you never asked him for more details. You do know that he takes salsa classes and dances with the women there, but he had not volunteered any more information than that.

Anyway, just wanted to get the input of parents (grandparents are welcome too) on this issue. What would you say to your son? How would you persuade him to settle down? Or would you just shrug it off and wish him well? I'm just trying to understand my family's feelings on my refusal to settle down. (Let's assume you are not aware of PUA or Red Pill, so please exclude it from the discussion.)

Last edited by Aspie1 on 11 Feb 2017, 9:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'd say your post shows both empathy and theory of mind. Well done.

If my son were doing well and was generally happy, I don't think I'd have any concern whatsoever.

If he is happy, I don't see that it's anyone else's business.

If my kids want romantic relationships, I will be happy for them. If they don't I will also be happy for them.

I don't imagine I have a right to grandkids.

Lol. My parents begrudgingly made peace with my anti-marital stance, just as they made peace with me moving out of their house 10 years ago. My grandmother, not so much. She keeps telling me how nice it'll be to get married. At the same time, she always says how I'll be required to sacrifice or learn to live without life's pleasures if my wife doesn't like it. Such as going out dancing or having a dog. And my whole family still pesters me that I move back into my parents' house. After nearly a decade of total freedom to boot.

Now, may I ask: How the hell is THAT supposed to motivate me to get married? All opinions are welcome. I'm just trying to understand what my family is thinking with such contradictory messages.

Sorry, if this comes off as harsh, and perhaps it will, if you love your Grandmother, but, from my perspective, she is being negative, judgemental, critical and manipulative, + +

Good on you, for becoming independant and enjoying your life, in the way that you choose. Try not to let their opinions get into your head. Just smile and thank them for their concern.

Keep on keepin' on!
You are rock solid!

I had four children. Two are married and have children - two do not. One of the unmarried ones is in a committed relationship of long standing, but because they see no reason to be legally married unless they decide to have children. One of the unmarried children is probably on the spectrum and does not want her life to be any different than it is - she claims to be as happy as she wants to be, one of the married ones is married to a person who is definitely on the spectrum - and they seem to be very happy with their status...

We don't regard being on the spectrum or being single as a negative thing in our family and I (as the reigning matriarch), don't want any of my children to get married unless THEY want to be married. Marriage is not some sort of badge of social status and acceptance. It is an ongoing choice to be in a committed relationship and it's darn hard work...if you want it, and it makes your life complete...go for it!

I'm married now for the second time and it's where I want to be...That said, my NT husband is absolutely flummoxed by the choices to remain single that my kids have made. He can't fathom why anyone would want to be single...go figure.

I would just think that he hasn't met somebody for him yet and I would be happy that he prefers to stay alone than with someone he doesn't love.

Shes a grandmother, of course she's going to say things like that....sheesh, sometimes you just have to smile and nod at your grandparents and other family members 'advice' maybe cringe a little bit on the inside, but don't take it to heart if its not relevant to you. Really though it just sounds like nagging on their part, but if its rather constant I guess I can understand why this issue keeps ending up on your mind.

I wouldn't use these words. I would just ascribe it to a lack of understanding of today's marriages. Especially how they are for men. I can kind of, sort of, maybe understand where she's coming from (theory of mind at play here), but her telling me that I'll have to sacrifice everything and seeing my friends do just that, doesn't exactly motivate me to settle down.

Either way, getting input from parents of single adult sons has been helpful so far. Keep it coming.

^That's a good way to look at it, and, I suppose I may have been off base, as I have not met her, nor, know anything of her general nature or personality. : )

I know that I trust in my son's ability to make the most appropriate choices for himself and his life, and I am highly encouraging of his personal choices, and he has faired well thus far, and has a bright future ahead of him. As Adamantium expressed, in so many words, I will be happy for him if he is happy.

I have a single adult son who is 33. He has been in two long term monogamous ( as far as I know) relationships. The last one ended about 4 months ago. He is free to choose his life as he sees fit. I will love him whether he chooses to remain single forever or not. Marriage/relationships and children are a huge responsibility and no one should impose that on another person for any reason.
If your family is obsessing over your life choices then it may be time for a serious discussion even with your grandmother. She loves you and wants what's best for you in her opinion but she needs to understand that you need to work out your life and your happiness in your own way and time.
You could.....
Tell her you love her but do not want to talk about your life choices on a regular basis.
Tell her she can ask you about your personal life once every month (or as frequently as you determine or not at all).
If she breaks the rules then you need to have a consequence in place. You get up and leave the room silently and find something else to do for a few minutes. Return and suggest a new topic of conversation. If she persists, then it may be time to go home and try again another time. No matter how old she is, she needs to learn that you are allowed to have boundaries. You need to find a substitute way/topics for the two of you to connect and reassure her that you are capable of finding your own brand of happiness. If she suffers from dementia that is a whole other situation but I assume you would have mentioned that.
By the way, I think each marriage is unique and can be based on whatever ground rules you establish with your significant other as long as you keep on communicating your needs and listening to the other's. Being able to make sacrifices in life is some sort of psychological sign that you are an adult, if I'm not mistaken. You probably already sacrifice in every relationship you have, in some way: your patience, your time, your help.

Maybe so. But I've been making sacrifices since even before I was an adult. Every time a decision was being made as a family, such as what museum exhibits to see or what toppings to get for ordering a pizza, my wishes were ignored or shut out. I had to sacrifice my desires to avoid being punished for trying to speak up (a.k.a. "misbehaving").

For my entire childhood, I wanted to have a dog or cat. My parents said no, even after they saw me crying from the loneliness I was dealing with. They didn't have a lot of friends, either, at least not after moving across the country. But they had each other and access to alcohol to forget the life's stresses. I, on the other hand, was ALONE. By age 12, I started sneaking alcohol from the liquor cabinet, which sent my mood soaring like a rocket every time I drank it. Now, I realize that a pet is incompatible with my bachelor lifestyle where I'm rarely home, so I get my pet fix by periodically volunteering at a dog shelter.

Worst of all, I had to sacrifice a fun college experience! I wanted to go away to college across the country, like to Seattle (I was drawn by the mild weather and a geek-friendly atmosphere), or to a party school (I was drawn by the prospect of easy sex). My parents said they'd cut me off financially or disown me if I didn't live at home during college. I had no choice but to give in. They also wouldn't let me buy a cheap used car, either. (They agreed to sell me their old hand-me-down at a discount, after they saw me sending applications to out-of-state colleges for my sophomore year, and maybe panicked.) As a result, I fell behind by nearly 8 years in my dating life, on top of my AS-related setbacks.

I think those were plenty of sacrifices. I'm going to live the rest of my life my way.

Going to give some unsolicited advice b/c you have brought up this issue multiple times which I assume means it really aggravates you.

I think you really need to just accept your family is not going to change their (inconsistant) viewpoints.

Old school thinking people really think marriage and kids is an non-optional social convention. There are many people who are just stuck on old ways of thinking. My mom is like this and there never was any point in arguing with her on the subject --even though I did so vehemently b/c of the disrepect I felt. (I am married with kids now b/c I changed my mind and I was not going to decide not to, just so as to not prove her point)

You are independent now, and that really makes it very easy to tell them to mind their own business. If you opt not to go that far, then you can either continue to fruitlessly argue it with them or learn to ignore them.

To answer your original question--I don't care if my son marries or not---I hope he becomes independent. I don't see married as equal to being an adult b/c I am not old school --and I don't think all people originally against marriage will change their mind. I don't know the stats on that, and really don't care because people can change their minds the other way too.

This.
Too many people equate marriage and happiness. Some people are much happier single and never dating, for various reasons. It's quite fine.
It's the judgmental reactions that say that "there is one ideal social structure for all and no natural variations, and there is only one way to be happy in life for all" that are weird and frankly inappropriate. Those people act like the rest of the world should be identical to them. If we all followed them, we should all be clones, and say goodbye to freedom.

I agree with all the posters above that I would support my child's decision on whether or not to be married. As an adult it is 100% their choice.

That being said - to the original poster - perhaps your family has had happy marriages and relationships and simply want the same for you. Maybe they feel you would be missing out by not getting married? I know as a parent raising a teenager on the spectrum, my child sometimes makes choices I don't necessarily agree with or even understand. There have been times I have felt sad my child chooses not to participate in things that many people feel are "rites of passage" of the teenage years, like going to football games or parties or school dances. That being said, I accept the choices my child makes but at times feel sad about them. Maybe your parents are grappling with those types of feelings? I am continually being reminded that what makes/made me happy is not necessarily what makes my child happy. And while that's pretty much true for all parents and children, I do think being a NT parent raising an AS child adds some layers. It's a process and I wonder if she feels the way you do at times.

This is why these boards are so helpful for me to read.

#1. My family did not have happy marriages, actually. Arguments and screaming happened multiple times a week, from the day I became aware until the day I moved out. To the point where I had to scream "stop fighting!" and abuse alcohol just to cope, all at age 12 . One time, I even took a big gulp of cough syrup, poured a little bit of the floor, and told my parents I accidentally dropped it. The therapist I was seeing constantly grilled me about my feelings, so I didn't dare tell her about the arguing. That was just the primary cause. The secondary cause was seeing my friends. The minute they settled down, they aged emotionally by 30 years.

#2. I didn't have a choice to participate. In my school, if you come to a dance by yourself, you better transfer to another school district afterwards. And since I didn't have a car, on top of my lack of social skills, finding a date was out of the question for me. I also live in the US region where football doesn't have a cult status (unlike in, say, Texas), so going to football games wasn't "mandatory". My parent didn't care, or even probably thought it was for the best, given the alcohol consumption that takes place at the "rites of passage".