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MindBlind
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12 Feb 2017, 3:53 pm

Here's what I don't understand

I get told not to compare myself to other people in order to improve my self esteem but what if I can't avoid that? There are standards that people are expected to meet if they are to hold down a job or pass an exam, for instance. How do I meet those standards without comparing myself to someone who does? I know for a fact that I am not low functioning so obviously I'm capable of working and I'm just doing something wrong and if so how does self acceptance address that?

I also don't understand the threshold between perfectionism and a realistic expectation. My family often accuses me of being a perfectionist but how am I so if my work doesn't meet a basic standard? Surely perfectionism means that you feel compelled to be the best at something, not merely scrape a pass.

I don't get it at all. Please help!



BTDT
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12 Feb 2017, 4:11 pm

Yes, this can be very hard.

Normal people constantly do comparisons, whether you tell them or not. The advice is meant for them. It means to back off a little and not put so much weight in the comparisons you are making.

It is different for some us on the spectrum. We don't do comparisons, so we can be
entirely clueless. You should in fact do some comparisons to figure out a reasonable
standard of work.

Even harder is figuring out what standard of work you should be doing.
For a lot of jobs, you want to do what everyone else is doing, or maybe just a
little better. Unless they hired us as the Alpha guru, in which case you should know
you have a target on your back no matter what you do.



crystaltermination
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15 Feb 2017, 9:37 pm

The line individuals draw between what they find acceptable and unacceptable performance really varies. There is no set value. People should never be looked down upon for setting themselves to a perceived higher standard, so long as it's their own personal goal and not forced upon others. Perfectionism is a double edged blade though; high expectations seem to have some positive feedback loop going on where earning a high grade for instance leads to the grim determination to earn an even higher grade next time. It can lead to some nasty moments of self-hatred, but those are largely unfounded and more the product of guilt and anxiety.


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hurtloam
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15 Feb 2017, 10:14 pm

I find this confusing too. I think that it's because we tend to think in absolutes and see things as very black and white, so it's really difficult to draw the line.

I can't really give any advice because I have the same problem. I think that the best thing is not to take other people's well meaning advice literally and don't think too much about what they mean because it will drive you crazy. I don't think they even fully know what they mean and they don't put as much weight on their own advice as we do when we try to accept it and learn from it.

As regards perfectionism, I don't think the average person actually cares whether what they do is good enough or right, they just do it to get it done. And they don't worry about it. They just move on to the next thing. They also don't have the same social learning difficulties we do so will never understand how hard we try and evaluate what we do to work out how to just fit in at work whilst trying to work out how to do the job.

Our brains just make things more difficult. People who say we're over thinking things don't understand that these things that we"overthink" just don't come as naturally to us as they do for NTs.

Just being alive is exhausting for us.



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16 Feb 2017, 9:34 am

I suppose a perfectionist should find work that requires perfection.



Lunella
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16 Feb 2017, 9:48 am

The way I do it is like this.

You get a car right or something you really love and use all the time and look after it really well.

With this, I apply the same thought to my own body and mind, this is my flesh car and I treat it well. It needs some work which I'm still sorting out but it's mostly there. The technology (mind/thoughts) in the flesh car could do with an upgrade but they're good enough! :wink:

I just find it easier to think about self acceptance this way because it lets you figure out what needs fixing/changing easier, when you're happy with the changes/modifications then you're happier with yourself.

Sounds a bit batty but it works for me.


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Ettina
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20 Feb 2017, 11:09 am

MindBlind wrote:
I know for a fact that I am not low functioning so obviously I'm capable of working and I'm just doing something wrong and if so how does self acceptance address that?


Not true. Roughly 50% of high functioning autistic people (defined by IQ) have significant impairments in adaptive functioning, meaning that we (I'm part of this category) have as much trouble being employed and living independently as someone with an IQ around 50-70 would have. So just because you're high functioning doesn't mean you are necessarily capable of working, or that you wouldn't need an adapted employment setting in order to be able to work.



MindBlind
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26 Feb 2017, 6:38 pm

Ettina wrote:
Not true. Roughly 50% of high functioning autistic people (defined by IQ) have significant impairments in adaptive functioning, meaning that we (I'm part of this category) have as much trouble being employed and living independently as someone with an IQ around 50-70 would have. So just because you're high functioning doesn't mean you are necessarily capable of working, or that you wouldn't need an adapted employment setting in order to be able to work.


That's true but I have lived independently before and I also had a job in the past. Not that they were easy to do but obviously I have the capacity to be self sufficient. I'm just struggling to find the right balance, I guess.

Hurtloam, you hit the nail on the head. I overthink things because I need to be vigilant of my mental disorders in order to maintain even a modicum of independence. And like you said, it is exhausting. On top of the aspergers, I have ADHD, depression and anxiety so I guess I do need to be more gentle with myself sometimes.

I also agree that maybe I am thinking too inflexibly about all of this. Part of my issue is that I find it difficult to separate my self worth from my personal achievements. I have struggled with this cognitive distortion for pretty much my entire life and it all stems from feeling inferior because of my disability as well as the fear of becoming a f**k up like my dad.

Actually my mum and I were talking about this the other day and she said to me "He complained about his problems all the time but he never tried to overcome them. You moan about your problems but afterwards you do something about it, which makes you a better person than he ever could be". That helped me to see myself in a different light, I guess