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Alien4ever
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13 Feb 2017, 2:33 pm

Recently I have been wondering if I am experiencing an asperger burnout. I am not diagnosed though my older son has it.

For years I presented this image of a successful professor and supermom to the outside world, while struggling a lot on a daily basis to manage everything, including the many meltdowns of my older son. My husband (now ex) voluntarily maintained the fact that we lived in two different states so I have lived for years like a single mom. I used to think that perhaps after I get tenured life would be easier. But it didn't.

Right before getting tenured, my older son (likely due to puberty) got very depressed, moody, verbally and physically aggressive, and self-harming. I became so stressed and scared that I had to check in a motel for two nights with my parents watching them (visiting us at the time).I talked with many people including therapists, social workers, and a fellow professor in psychology. Everybody said that I should call the police if I was threatened next time. But I was so afraid of losing my son to my ex after the police call. I was also afraid that he would get more violent and do something horrible he would regret later. I shared his condition with his dad and asked him whether he would have him for a while while I try to get better myself. He agreed. But my son hated me for sending him there and refused to come back. This was the last straw on the camel's back for me. I entered into a long period of severe depression and tried all that I could think of to get him back without success. My older son refused to communicate with me saying that I abandoned him and he attacked him violently when I visited him in the summer. Before I sent him to his dad his two biggest complaints were me not buying new parts for him to assemble a good enough drone (his very expensive very obsessive hobby) and me not finding a stepdad for him. I tried to explain to no avail. He is gifted with high IQ and gets all 99% in standardized tests while getting Bs and Cs in class.

Now that I am finally getting better in terms of depression, I found that I could not get work done in many aspects. I am having many executive functioning problems, keep forgetting things, have great difficulty getting started with anything but writing research articles, behind in grading all the time, incoherent classroom lectures, inconsistent announcements of assignments, making copies of the wrong materials, having to ask students to repeat their question as I was not comprehending (perhaps not even able to concentrate), etc. As a mother I feel like a total failure (even though everyone said I was an awesome mom including my older son himself on good days last year and even though my younger son is doing very well). As a professor I feel shameful for my deteriorating performance. I even socially withdrew and as a result not receiving much support either. Now even parenting my younger son became exhausting. If he had a tantrum (which is normal for his age), I could deal with it fine but would take hours to recover from its effect. Same thing if I had the slightest conflict with another person (perhaps not even conflict, just a conversation that is a little upsetting to me while the other person may be totally fine). I am collaborating with a faculty in engineering and once shared this with him (perhaps subconsciously to explain why I did not get back to his emails sometimes). He said he was like this himself for years but he had gotten over it by focusing on satisfying his intellectual curiosity and reaching higher levels of recognition for his research all the time. He also said that he suspected that he has apergers himself and would describe himself as much more sensitive than other men. As he told me more about himself and his life, I truly saw much resemblance and now I am wondering if I myself have asperger's too, and if what I am experiencing is not just depression per se but an asperger middle life burnout. Btw, I experienced some abuse from my dad (who seems quite autistic, smart but quite underachieving), from my ex (who also seems autistic but extremely high functioning and quite successful), before the disturbing experience with my older son. I have seen several counselors myself. Some say it is depression others say it is also PTSD or even complex PTSD. I can't use anti-depressants. Somehow they all made me suicidal. I mentioned my thoughts about asperger's and everyone scoffed at it saying that they had never seen an asperger's with such a great sense of humor. I may appear social, stylish, confident and friendly. But inside I feel hopeless and just want to hide. Can somebody shed some light on my condition? I am trying to understand my own struggles and get back on my feet. I did apply for one year sabbatical in case I need that long to recover. Thanks in advance.

p.s. I appear social but only in small circles. I also tend to bond well with mother figures and father figures even though they could be any age. Kind people seem to be protective of me when they see me even before they get to know me. Fashion is just my little mental get away to a world with a little fantasy and creativity. I have low self-esteem and am aware of it I am just good at hiding it. I am kind and helpful but have always had problem being assertive. I never deal well with personal arguments and only had a handful of arguments my whole life. Whenever I get into a new environment I often need to land a mentor or protector to guide me. My biggest concern is that it seems that I have lost a lot of coping skills quickly and am barely functioning now. Will I ever get better? How can I competently work and take care of my younger son?



Alien4ever
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13 Feb 2017, 4:00 pm

I may be a little anxious but I am hoping to get some support here. I was even excited when I created my account here... Hope I don't appear too normal 'cause I don't think I am ... Or do people think that I should go back to pretending to be normal since I managed to be so successful in that aspect for so many years? :( But I really struggled through those years. Like I had to stay up late to watch a whole movie or read dozens of parenting forums or do unnecessary non-urgent repetitive manual housework or do grown up coloring stuff ... after helping my older son with a meltdown that lasted an hour consisting mostly of crying ... I was just way more optimistic than I am now ...



League_Girl
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13 Feb 2017, 4:15 pm

I am not a psychologist so I can't give you a expert answer. In my experience when I got worse, I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder and anxiety and OCD and depression. I don't know either if I was going through a burnout. That is something that no one talks about but people on the autism spectrum. I am sure autistic people do get diagnosed with other labels when they go through a burnout because no one knows about it but us.

How long has this change been going on now?

If you are worried about AS, I would go see someone who knows about adult autism like go to an autism center or something or go find a autism specialist who knows about adult autism.


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Alien4ever
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13 Feb 2017, 4:55 pm

Thanks! I had been so wrapped up with my older son's asperger's stuff that I never thought about myself having it. This burnout experience started in April 2016 but at first I thought it was just depression and anxiety about not being able to see my older son (I got so used to taking care of all his needs everyday that I found it unbearable that he disappeared from my life). This semester my depression obviously got better (though can still be triggered here and there) but I am so poor in daily functioning as well as workplace functioning that I find it astonishing and worrisome. I don't want to get back into depression. I know I would, though, if I don't improve in my coping and functioning :(

I can't tell many people about this as no one believes that I can be remotely connected to autism. I don't want to be seen as pitiful or even attention seeking.... I wish I could just be brave and charge forward to win all the battles .... But I am afraid that doing so may cause me to break even more ... I guess there is still a little bit optimistic part in me that is saying You can prove to the world that you can do it so stop whining and start working on all your problems! :wink: Honestly there is a bigger part of me saying that I am done, used up, useless, ....even just want to drift away ... I know I wouldn't be homeless for a while :lol: But of course, I love my son(s) too much to let that happen ...

I will see what I can do about finding someone specialized in adult ASD. But I sure appreciate any sharing ...



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13 Feb 2017, 5:00 pm

My advice to regaining executive function is to write down a bunch of things you need to do each day and try to do as many of them as possible. The idea is to remove the mental clutter that is blocking you from doing things each day.

By starting out with a list this may help avoid you from getting stuck. You may not be able to find your checkbook. With a list you can temporarily skip that task and do something else.

Aspies typically like routines. The idea is to get back into the routine of doing stuff.



Alien4ever
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14 Feb 2017, 11:20 am

Thanks for the suggestions. I have had problems with paying bills on time and that could have hurt my credit score already. Driving can be problematic too. I hit the mailbox of a neighbor (went back to check still could not figure out whose I hit. They were made of stone. :roll: My mirror has a crack though). Library books and DVDs not returned on time and am paying for late fees. Even forgot to pay my property tax and that was a huge mistake got a big fine. :evil: I am just not keeping track of a lot of things. At meetings I kept forgetting what was said and what I was told to discuss or do. I agreed to do playdates for my son and then forgot to show up. I opened windows but forgot to close them and it could be really cold. Forgot to feed my fish. Forgot to water my plants. They are still alive but I don't know for how long. The only thing that I seem to be capable of doing is writing papers but I wonder if that is my escape from all the other things.

I will start using a checklist each day and marking my calendar consistently. Perhaps taking notes, too. Need one night a week to take care of bills. Stop agreeing to take on more responsibilities like this job month talk I agreed to do for my son's school (why did I even agree in the first place? I am feeling least confident about my job right now :oops: . Perhaps I just could not stand being asked everyday when I picked up my son). Hope I will get better and report back here :D



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15 Feb 2017, 12:23 pm

If organization is the only problem you have and getting things done and remembering to get stuff done, you could have executive functioning disorder.


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15 Feb 2017, 1:15 pm

Asperger's is often overlooked in females because we get more social attention and learn more acceptable social behavior. We may act "normal" but we think and feel differently than others do. You do sound like me. I was about 40 when I realized that all of the things I had in common with people with Asperger's might be an indication that I also have it. It just never occurred to me before. I sought a formal diagnosis, and the doctor confirmed that females are generally hard to diagnose, especially as adults. I am not a doctor, and I would never attempt to diagnose another person, but you do sound like a good candidate in my opinion. A diagnosis could ease your mind. I feel better now that I understand why I am the way I am. I know that it's ok. I'm not a broken "normal" person. I'm an unbroken different person. And now I can take steps to ensure I don't get overwhelmed and pack up all of my stuff and move to Canada without leaving a note.



Alien4ever
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16 Feb 2017, 12:53 pm

It is really good to know that I am not alone with such struggles. These struggles I probably have always had and coped well but they are really severe now. It is like a domino effect. The fact that I am immigrant and divorced single mom makes it more difficult for me to recover from a crisis like this. I have many cousins. Unlike me they are all undereducated but I grew up with them in the countryside and my uncles and cousins made me feel more loved than my parents. I still chat with them online sometimes and even though I know they would definitely help me out if they were here, they can't due to the distance and visa etc.

I wonder about the reasons that I never stood out as significantly different from my peers. As a child I was petite with a very cute and pretty face (a couple of relatives even commented once that I was not half as cute and good looking as I was as they remember me :cry: ), shy but very friendly and cooperative, very gifted academically and a lead singer, clumsy when it came to sports except for long distance running, etc. All or almost all my teachers (I am talking about all K-12 as well as college and graduate school) liked me some even gave me obviously favorable treatment. I got along with most classmates except a few girls that envied me. One girl went as far as requesting that my exam paper be re-graded because she did not believe I could get that high a score. I had close girlfriends but felt most comfortable if that person was way more mature and warm even maternal. I happily followed that kind of girlfriends like a puppy dog. In higher grades I would even do assignments or take exams for some of them (I knew it was wrong and felt bad about it but didn't know how to refuse). Even today I have a long term girlfriend who is also a professor. She has changed over the years and now seems like a bully to me (I talked to another friend who told me that I should stop being used by this other person). She does not want to talk to me when I need support and can only be nice when we are co-authoring something. I am not saying that they are all bad actually most of them are truly warm kind people in all the years that I have known them.

I never feel comfortable around males unless I feel that they have no sexual interest in me. As a young woman I had no problem with younger boys and men of my father's age or older, but I felt uneasy around young men or middle aged men who seemed to be interested in me. I would try to run away from men who showed an interest in me. I tended to only seriously consider those who pursued me persistently in spite of my rejections and unfortunately those could be the wrong ones for me. I have tried dating after divorce but it appears that I don't know what is good for me. I am still trying to decide whether I should get one who is physically and intellectually attractive to me or one who is not so attractive but seems like a good dad and treats me the way a good dad would treat her daughter. Ideally I guess he can be both but what is the chance of finding someone like that? :roll: Even writing this I know that my expectation is kind of twisted :lol: I think it is related to my dad's abuse of me. When my dad was drunk he would do or say horrible things. I once dated a guy who said my dad had to be an alcoholic and I tried to defend my dad saying that my dad just had a couple of beers each day. Not long after that my mom talked with me and confirmed that my dad was well known as an alcoholic among our relatives, neighbors, and friends. Mom gave me many examples, some with me in it. I don't know why I don't remember what happened. I don't understand why I still defend my dad even though I don't like him as a person. When it comes to my experience with my parents during my childhood, I have little memory.

This is becoming such a long post. Sorry about it :oops: I tend to write too much. I am doing better today actually. I am starting to be hopeful again. I still think there is something different about me and the way I think and respond to things. I appreciate thoughts and experiences shared here. Self-understanding is just the beginning.



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16 Feb 2017, 1:03 pm

It is real easy to hide Asperger's when you are a cute and petite female. It is much harder for a guy, who is suppose to be able to read body language to see whether or not someone is approachable or not. But, I'm sure it is uncomfortable to be around guys when they are trying to communicate with body language and you can't respond in kind.



Alien4ever
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16 Feb 2017, 1:45 pm

You certainly made a good point! My ex used to say that I was lazy and I got a lot of things for just being cute, while he had to work very hard to earn everything that he had. He is very proud of himself, though :) I should also add that he never uses much body language or language in general.He is more a doer than talker. He only showed mild interest in me when we were getting to know each other. Only after I rejected him did he start to seriously pursue me. I don't know why but at the time I found his verbal clumsiness endearing and was comfortable with his bossiness.