What types of problems do you have in long term relationship

Page 1 of 1 [ 4 posts ] 

burnt_orange
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 23 Jan 2017
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 286
Location: Ohio USA

15 Feb 2017, 2:47 pm

I was wondering what type of problems are more common with autistics in long term relationships/marriages.

I will start by saying I have been married and divorced twice. So I have no shortage of issues in that department. I'm in a long term relationship now where we never plan to get married but do plan on being together til death do us part. Some of my problems have been immaturity, not sticking it out, inability to see long term consequences, or even short term consequences, complaining too much (in order to stick to my routine/lifestyle), and the big one, communication. See, I always thought I was "good" at communication because I tried to do it so much with my partner. But I really really sucked at it. This was before (and even still now) I knew I had ASD. I was often confused by things that would happen. I couldn't read my partners facial expression but I knew something was wrong. I would have to ask for a plainly worded explanation, and of course, I would never get it. I would do things over and over again even after I had been told that it bothered them. It was like I couldn't remember not to do it. I do this still, though I'm somewhat better. If someone doesn't get really mad and yell at me I will irritate them to no end. It is a sucky, embarrassing quality. Then there is the sex problem. I hate to write about this because it is such an intimate issue and quite embarrassing to have a problem with. But my partners all end up not wanting to have sex with me. I can never figure out why. It has happened in 3 major relationships that we end up in a near sex-less relationship. The common denominator is me. And of course, when I ask, I get an "it's me, not you" type of response every time. Why can't people just be straight with me? Even if it hurts, I want to know but they just can't bring themselves to be that honest.

Do you experience similar kinds of issues. Do you find it difficult to understand your partner even after many years of being together?



FluffiChick
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 15 Feb 2017
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 2
Location: USA

15 Feb 2017, 8:49 pm

I'm in a 20 year marriage that I think is nearing its end. Really the marriage has been pretty messed up for at least 16 of that 20. It probably really does come down to communication. We only talked about surface things, really, and i was happy with that. We never argued. I came to know early on that I couldn't trust my husband to not hurt my feelings...so I made the everything's-fine-good-wife persona and hid behind it, doing my damnedest to act like all was well and not rock the boat for year after year. My husband believed the persona and thought everything was fine for all those years, too. Sex I found to be stressful because I would obsess about what I was doing and what he was feeling, blah blah blah...stupid brain not shutting up....so that petered out after a while, and we went many years without, which was fine with me.

The pressure of maintaining the OK-face for years when I was actually really unhappy, ended up making me crazier and crazier, like Jekyll and Hyde depending upon whether or not my husband was around. When alone, I had suicidal thoughts a lot, was into self-harm, was buried in anxiety and depression and hopelessness. For years.

It eventually did hit the fan, and I finally started to reveal to him - to try to make him understand - all these dark things about me that he'd never known. He found it all to be baffling and hard to believe. He's so damned "neurotypical" he just can't wrap his head around any of it. Now I have problems with my second typical form of communication. Once I allow myself to speak freely, I straight to OVERsharing. I mean I try and try to explain things and end up hurting his feelings even more in some way and I'm like, s**t what just happened?! And it has happened repeatedly in my life. I open my mouth, I hurt people, totally unintentionally. Smh - that's why most of my communication with people is just mirroring. It can be exhausting but keeps me from saying stupid things and creating problems.

So now I've learned that being a pretend person throughout my entire marriage had no way of ending well. What you said about not seeing consequences? yeah, me neither. Like hardly ever. It's like I just can't look to the future - I mean, it's not a real thing. How can I know what in the world will happen tomorrow or the next day? It sure seems silly and pointless to guess. So when I wasn't pretending to be the good wife, I was like a 12 year old in a 50 year old body, playing video games to all hours, eating cap'n crunch for two meals a day, and getting obsessively involved in fantasy relationships online...reality and consequences be damned. Honestly I think it would be a relief to just be the 12 year old I am on the inside, and screw all this trying to be right or appropriate or my age or whatever.



burnt_orange
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 23 Jan 2017
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 286
Location: Ohio USA

16 Feb 2017, 11:56 pm

Fluffichick, thanks for replying in such a sincere manner. I understand what you're saying, I think, about not being your true self, just pretending to be this content person. I've done that a lot with my current partner. It seems like he prefers things that way. It's hard to hold my true feelings in and not yell them. But that gets me nowhere.

I, too, am great at unintentionally hurting others. I have no idea what crappy mean thoughts I have until I see the look on someone's face.

Marriages are so difficult. I truly wish the best for you, whatever you decide that is. It is so incredibly painful to end a marriage though. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.



woulffe
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 5 Mar 2011
Age: 59
Gender: Male
Posts: 8

12 Mar 2017, 8:00 am

"I will start by saying I have been married and divorced twice. So I have no shortage of issues in that department. I'm in a long term relationship now where we never plan to get married but do plan on being together til death do us part."

I've had two marriages, five LTRs. There seems to be a window between two and four years where I have to escape. I keep working on my skills for communication and all the other BS that the NT love, but when I hit a rocky place or need help and express it clearly there is no real action to meet my needs.

Good luck. I think the problem is that NT think we are broken, instead of different, and very few of them will ACTUALLY do anything for us in our way.