What is wrong with me?

Post Reply New Topic

I just need to get this out and I don't have many people whom I can talk to about it.

I just got home from a bar (no drinking) and I noticed that while people were constantly moving around and interacting with each other, I had remained in an area by myself and I began to notice my anxiety kick in because I was unable to keep moving and socialize with other people.

I don't post here often, but if you're aware of my posts, I've done years of either complain about or discuss/try to find answers about why love and relationships seem so foreign to me. I've tried to hold this back and just work on myself. Since then I've been able to hold down a great career that has been able to afford me materialistic things (better car, slightly better clothing, etc.), but I don't find happiness in this. I can have all of the riches in the world and it won't mean jack because money doesn't buy me happiness, love does. But why is it so hard for me to engage?

I think part of this comes from me being in enough bad relationships. Every last one resulted in the woman cheating on me because I fell into my old habits from the first relationship i've ever had (2 year relationship in high school), not spending enough time, which was something I tried to fix with or without a car, or even just by trying to communicate more, which is something difficult for me to accomplish. So whenever I see a lot of potential partners or even just dates, I shy away from them unless they engage me in conversation. I am so damaged that I think this damaged and broken vibe comes off a ton (hair is never groomed, wrinkly shirts, but hygiene is never completely bad, never B.O) and most conversations remain at a friendly level.

I have a large chain that is attached to my leg, and on the other end of it are all of the past relationships i've had and i've been dragging this chain for years now. My last relationship was AS-AS and I still couldn't get that to work. She broke up with me the week I got promoted to being a supervisor at my old job.

I try to let go of the past and try to keep moving forward, but with all of these reminders around me of how happy couples are together on social media or even just in public as I drive around, I'm constantly reminded of how alone I am. Some days I can shrug this off the more I drive, but on some days the amount of couples, whether they are together as a relationship or even just study buddies at a college, gets to me to the point where I am feeling emptiness and pain in my chest. Lately this feeling has come to the point where I am so numb to feeling that I am doing things to see if I can still feel anything. Not resorting to cutting by any means (I hate blades and needles), but lately i've been putting hotter than normal water on my hands whenever i'm in this state of mind. Knowing that the nerves in my hands are telling me that it hurts and it's hot, i'm still leaving my hands in the water a little bit longer until I snap out of it.

I've gone to counseling and have tried therapy, but most of the people i've seen were quick to try and medicate me. The doctors were quick to throw me on a high dosage of Prozac, which turned me numb and into a lifeless human being. I was never truly happy and I knew I wasn't myself. The meds would work long enough to the point where I would come into sessions with nothing to tell the therapist and eventually my cases were closed.

I'm afraid that if I keep going down this road of pain, sorrow, hate, and anxiety, that I'll eventually snap and take my frustrations out on the wrong people. I never want to be that person. I know this has turned into a ramble post, but what more must I go through before things get better? Why is it that my frustrations with not interacting with women (or just people in general) are bringing me to sadness to the point where I'm crying at home at night? Has my obsession with being in a relationship consumed me so much, that no matter what I do to try and make myself happy, I will still struggle to be happy more often? Am I not supposed to love anyone, even if I do everything I can to love myself? Am I a human being that is beyond broken and beyond being helped?

I wasn't sure if i should have posted in L&R, but I just needed someone to vent to, someone who will listen.

There's nothing wrong with you, the bar is just not your place.

I would agree with the previous poster.

Try out venues other than bars.

I learned, at age 21, that bars were not for me.

I like the Rochester area, by the way. I stayed in Henrietta a couple of times. I got off at Exit 46 of the Thruway.

20 years ago, I was you. I didn't have a diagnosis until 40. So you're in good shape. Nobody can hear me in a social setting. I speak in normal tones, shout even, no luck. Bars are no bueno for me.

If I were talking to my younger self, I'd say: don't try to be an NT. All they do is play mating ritual games. Even if you could play the game, and you can, do you want to? I don't.

You have hobbies and interests. Do those. You will meet people. Go to events that are fun for you. The best girl I ever met, I met by chance at Anime Expo. Went on a whim with RPG friends. She was intelligent, funny, beautiful, smoking hot, and we had every interest in common. My undiagnosed conditioned poisoned that relationship.

The right person is out there waiting for you to be you so they'll bump into you.

Or try online dating. Great way to get to know someone and them to get to know you. I'd recommend a paid service. I used eHarmony and married the girl I met there. That was a mistake but YMMV.

There's options. Don't give up.