I just learned I'm Aspie and I can't stop crying.

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sos72
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05 Mar 2017, 10:13 am

SwimmingHigh wrote:
I feel very upset that this isn't something I can ever 'overcome'. There's no way out of being autistic, you cant learn not to be autistic. AT best all I can ever be is a good replicate of a real human.
Im incredibly sorry if that offends anyone i don't mean it too but thats where I am. Thats my honest raw misery that I am feeling right now on day 3 of fully accepting that yes, I am autistic.
I hope I'm wrong.


will we have to emulate being normal? yup

do we still need the social interaction that we have convinced ourselves we either dont need or dont deserve? yup yup yup

it's kinda cruel that we need something so badly yet are completely incapable of attaining it naturally like the rest of the world!

but isnt trying out hardest to fit in something we've been doing our whole life anyways? at least now you/we have the knowledge as to why we fail so much and maybe that's enough to get us on the right track so that starting that journey to acceptance and connectedness again wont feel like we are trying to walk uphill in a lava-like flow of molasses with 100 pound anchors strapped to both ankles and on and on and on and on...

it enrages me to read some of these posts here of aspies being told by friends and 'experts' that they dont need friends and should accept they will never have friends or a mate and thats ok because hey... they have aspergers and they dont need friends anyway...

the following is a cut and paste

Here is the grief model we call the 7 Stages of Grief:
SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. ...
PAIN & GUILT- ...
ANGER & BARGAINING- ...
"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- ...
THE UPWARD TURN- ...
RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- ...
ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
-www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html


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SwimmingHigh
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06 Mar 2017, 3:24 am

thank you sos.


sigh

I told some people today, someone in particular I knew would be unsupportive and question the authenticity of it, and minimize my pain.
It felt good to get it out of the way.
To endure the worst that could happen now, and still be okay.


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Emotional Intelligence Test 85/100
25 on am I highly sensitive
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 168 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 59 of 200


Benjamin the Donkey
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08 Mar 2017, 8:33 am

Like you, I wish I'd known sooner, but kids weren't diagnosed with this in the '70s so I was just "weird." Knowing who I was and why would have given me a lot more confidence and direction in my life. I'm just glad that my son who's AS won't have to go through that. He knows why he's different and is fine with that.

But please stop wishing you were a "real human." You're as real as anybody, just different. Like a lot of us.


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envirozentinel
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11 Mar 2017, 5:31 am

I don't like fizzy drinks either.

I am glad you're feeling a bit more at peace now.

I was diagnosed at 45 and it explained so much of what went before. All made sense then.

Growing up in a small town and having no frames of reference was tough! Somehow I managed - now my task is to help others and use my story as inspiration to them.

I'm also gay so it was difficult for me to come to terms with that also and make peace with it. Fitting in a group has never been easy for me.

Enjoy our planet! There are climates to suite everyone here and I'm sure you will benefit from the many forums and getting to know some of our fantastic members.


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DancingCorpse
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14 Mar 2017, 1:35 am

I almost cried an hour after being diagnosed, I went into a patch of trees and wandered a long time. I often feel a deep sense of mourning for all I have had to wade through and all I will have to continue wading through with the shadow of autism affecting me, it is a heavy weight to bear but we are all capable and viable, we have carried ourselves this far and when we learn of our condition we begin a steeper learning curve and hopefully adapt accordingly with the wisdom that the discovery process has ingrained within us, time and persistence and compassionate support seem to be the ingredients to let brew in the pot.



CharityGoodyGrace
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15 Mar 2017, 8:51 pm

I also had a childhood full of shame and guilt, to the point where I was depressed. I thought I had PTSD from it, before I learned the specifics of what PTSD actually was.

But you might ACTUALLY have PTSD; you had some real close calls.

I feel guilt and shame about my autism still sometimes but am getting over it like you did.

And like DancingCorpse says, we are all capable and viable. I'd like to add that we don't have more problems than most, we just have different problems. People think we're so much less blessed than them and that we're different in THAT way but we're not. We're just differently blessed.



antnego
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24 Mar 2017, 11:58 am

SwimmingHigh wrote:
I've always flapped my hands.
I used to joke that I was trying to fly away from stressful situations.
When autism awareness became more of a thing in the late 90s and early 00's and the butt of many an internet joke I would laugh at myself for some particularly 'autistic' things that I do and have always done, but it didn't actually occur to me that I might actually be autistic.

Kids weren't diagnosed in the early 80s. I only just learned that yesterday. I always assumed if I was autistic someone would have already known, because I was in SPECIAL ED in the 80s... yep short bus to school, sped.
Ive talked to more shrinks, Councillors, therapists and the like than I could ever hope to remember in my lifetime.
I just assumed I'D HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED then.

it all just fits, it all just fits and I cant stop crying for the little girl no one understood.

That little girl who tossed and turned all night if she had a little scratch because it hurt so much, couldnt even stand the pain of soda pop fizz,
that little girl who always knew she was wrong/bad/different.

Flipping the bike upside down and spinning the wheel over and over for hours.
Having to make scripts in my head of how to react in every possible situation because how else would I know?
Being so involved in what I was doing I'd not go to the bathroom, or eat.
The rage/fits that made me absolutely unlovable to any care taker, as a child.
How that felt
to know that I was unlovable and still be unable to control them.
. The anxiety, the fear, the sadness and loneliness of social rejection of being bullied mercilessly until death seems like the only option left.
The shame.

The f*****g shame I felt.

I just found out why and I feel so bitter about it.

:( :(


I don't if you just want to "vent" about your problem, or if you're looking for a way to feel better. I know it's irritating when you just want to express yourself and someone else jumps in to help you "fix" your problem, when you didn't ask for it.

But assuming you want help for your problems, here it goes:

I know the feeling.

For most of my life , I tried so hard to be like "them" but felt perpetually empty inside.

But for me, despite the fact I never received services (other than the help I sought out on my own as an adult), I did pretty well. I survived to this point and my general level of happiness has increased over time in correlation to my own self-acceptance. Taking responsibility for my own happiness was a big part, too. Learning some assertiveness skills helped.

You probably have distinct advantages over most in the area of logical reasoning. Maybe you're super swell at spotting patterns. Technical things might come easy to you. I find it hard to believe that great works of architecture, like the pyramids, were designed by "NTs." The key is to look at your strengths, rather than your perceived deficits. And by all means, don't think that everyone else isn't ashamed of their "dark secrets" or "skeletons in the closet." Try to concentrate on what you CAN do, rather than what you can't.


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pasty
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06 Apr 2017, 3:15 pm

I felt exactly the same way you described. There is a grieving process. Unfortunately, some people take longer to grieve than is convenient. I still haven't recovered. There were so many missed opportunities. And it all makes perfect sense now, but that doesn't make it feel any better, and it doesn't bring back lost opportunities. I feel cheated.

The problem really isn't that we have autism. The problem is that others don't. Difference is the problem, and non-autistics are just as different to us as we are to them. It's just because they are the majority that they get to control expectations. The world expects us to be super careful not to hurt their precious feelings or disrupt their precious social structure. However, they would never consider doing similar for us. They don't accommodate us. They don't consider our feelings when they behave the way they do toward us. Then they blame it all on us. They see nothing wrong with insulting us because we behave differently or walk differently or eat differently, but we are seen as the bad guy if we do the same to them- because they are the majority. Don't feel like you are less than a person. You're setting your standard for humanity based on the majority. Just hang out here with us normal people who are like you. We appreciate you, and we don't think there's anything wrong with you just because you're different than the weirdo majority. And if you have to grieve for a year to accept the fact that you've lost years of opportunity and been victimized your whole life by horrible people, then grieve for a year. We'll be here cheering you on. I wish you peace.