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LadyOfTheLake
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06 Mar 2017, 7:54 pm

When I was younger, I taught myself how to flirt by watching youtube videos about it. Now, I'm pretty good at that. The problem is, that I don't know how to not flirt when talking to the opposite sex. Everytime I want to start a friendship with a guy, I send out the wrong signals and because I can't say no, I end up in relationships that I don't want. Can you tell me how to show interest, but not too much interest?



kraftiekortie
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06 Mar 2017, 10:33 pm

By talking to a man like you would talk to a friend. Talk of neutral things, not romantic things. Don't think of men as "men." Speak of politics, maybe. Or some scientific subject.

If a man asks you for a date, just tell him that you're not interested in that sort of relationship right now (unless you're really interested in the man).



Chronos
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07 Mar 2017, 2:03 am

LadyOfTheLake wrote:
When I was younger, I taught myself how to flirt by watching youtube videos about it. Now, I'm pretty good at that. The problem is, that I don't know how to not flirt when talking to the opposite sex. Everytime I want to start a friendship with a guy, I send out the wrong signals and because I can't say no, I end up in relationships that I don't want. Can you tell me how to show interest, but not too much interest?


I don't know anything about flirting with guys. I talk to men no different than women. Sometimes some men mistake a woman not acting like a complete jerk to them as flirting, and I'm not sure anything can really be done about that. But your inability to say no is a problem that should not go unaddressed. It's important to know how to set boundaries and stand by them in life. Particularly if you are female and on the spectrum.



LadyOfTheLake
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08 Mar 2017, 4:44 am

Thanks for the answers :-)

kraftiekortie wrote:
By talking to a man like you would talk to a friend. Talk of neutral things, not romantic things. Don't think of men as "men." Speak of politics, maybe. Or some scientific subject.


I don't really know how to talk to a friend. Havn't had one for about 7 years. I'm 23 now. But I'll try the politics thing, thanks.

kraftiekortie wrote:
If a man asks you for a date, just tell him that you're not interested in that sort of relationship right now (unless you're really interested in the man).


I'm kind of afraid that they might answer something like "how could you be so arrogant to think this would be a date? But maybe, that's just made up by the remains of my social anxiety.

@chronos: I really need to learn that. Because of this, i was in a relationship with a psychopath (narcissistic, histrionic and antisocial personality disorder). Maybe, I could make myself take a step back and think about what I want when a person asks me something. I hope I don't forget about thst when I'm in the situation.



Cloudswimmer
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05 Apr 2017, 4:34 pm

First, it is probably a good idea to learn how to say no, decline, self-advocate in some way.

"Noncompliance is a social skill"
-realsocialskills(somethingorotber)

I do not have help to offer on the flirting, but just wanted to add that I feel your pain. Ha! Empathy ; ) I am not sure what I have done wrong, but when I try to be friendly with people they always think I am flirting. It has made for some uncomfortable situations because some have come out and said they weren't interested in me romantically or started getting physical and I of course would be confused and wondering why they felt the need to say something or act suddenly sexual when we were just friends. Seems my social outgoing friendly signals are so off that my gay male friend, who I particularly valued because of the complete void of possible sexual issues, sat me down to discuss how I had fallen in love with him. I was very confused, and again a bit embarrassed that yet another person thought I was trying to flirt. So it seems I have only cold and disinterested that loses friends, or "too friendly" that makes people think I am interested in them romantically. Honestly I am not sure how to be friendly for any length of time without it being considered flirting. Maybe it is that I have had to try too hard with eye contact in the past so I look too long, or look away at times that make it feel to them that I care more than I really do about them, when all I am really thinking about is trying not to be too weird or rude or whatever. I am still unsure what specifically I am doing wrong.


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RandomFox
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08 Apr 2017, 6:31 am

At least you know the source of your behaviour... I never taught myself to flirt and whenever talking to men I avoid doing anything flirty, plus - usually talk about something science related or general topic they started (no romantic, teasing, sexy talk at all)... but -

I still get accused of "flirting" and sending "signals"!

Once , when I wasn't even talking at all, just standing in the corner and zoning-out somebody thought I was "being mysterious" and trying to attract attention to myself. It's like people think they know better than myself what I'm thinking at the moment :D while I'm sometimes simply not thinking, just checking out a pattern on the wall or looking at the light coming through a beer bottle... (this is my weakness, getting some kind of brain inertia after spotting some light/pattern things around me).

It's so frustrating.



Cloudswimmer
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08 Apr 2017, 7:41 am

RandomFox wrote:
At least you know the source of your behaviour... I never taught myself to flirt and whenever talking to men I avoid doing anything flirty, plus - usually talk about something science related or general topic they started (no romantic, teasing, sexy talk at all)... but -

I still get accused of "flirting" and sending "signals"!

Once , when I wasn't even talking at all, just standing in the corner and zoning-out somebody thought I was "being mysterious" and trying to attract attention to myself. It's like people think they know better than myself what I'm thinking at the moment :D while I'm sometimes simply not thinking, just checking out a pattern on the wall or looking at the light coming through a beer bottle... (this is my weakness, getting some kind of brain inertia after spotting some light/pattern things around me).

It's so frustrating.


Same stuff happens to me and I can not figure out what they are thinking is flirting. Look at people = flirting. Don't look at people = flirting. Talk to people about unsexy stuff = flirting. Don't talk at all = flirting. Stare at light on the lake = whatever person wants to attribute to me at that time.

It is most frustrating.


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•How shall we understand the reactions in half- corpses?•
~D.H.Lawrence