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KiryuEX
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10 Mar 2017, 8:40 pm

I have Aspergers syndrome. I also suffer from anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, and alexithymia. And probably some other stuff I'm forgetting at the moment.

I want sex. I want to touch and be touched. I want intimacy, both physical and emotional. I want to be loved. Or at least I think I do.

But I don't have the faintest idea on how to get these things. And I feel like I will never get to experience them. I feel utterly hopeless. I am a 28 yr old virgin. I've never even kissed or held hands. And it is killing me.

I don't feel like an adult. I feel like a boy in an adult body. I am so far behind others in my age group that I feel I will never catch up. I am currently unable to live independently, and I highly doubt if I ever will. I'm unemployed, on disability (which I have very mixed feelings about), I don't drive, and I still live with my mother. I'm 5'10" and weight ~270 lbs. I don't like my body.

I rarely leave the house except for my weekly game night and the occasional errand or family function. I don't have any friends or any kind of social network. I have no idea how to make true friends, so the idea of getting a girlfriend seems all but impossible.

I masturbate daily, but it just feels mechanical and empty. I seem to have a high sex drive, I think. I think and fantasize about sex constantly, but never about myself engaging in it. Though it's never just sex I think/fantasize about. There's also kissing and touching and emotions and dialogue and plot. The only human touch I experience on a regular basis is the hugs I give my mother. I feel utterly alone and that no one will ever want me.

People have given me advice on this, but it all really boils down to is just "go out and meet people". Okay, makes sense. But where do I go? What do I say? Who do I talk to? What do I actually do? Then people say that I'm just making excuses, that I'm not even trying. Am I?

I actually prefer being alone most of time, and I don't really like people in general. But I still get lonely. So much that I get an ache in my chest and a knot in my stomach. That I feel like I could weep if I was able to cry like a neurotypical person. It... hurts.

So tell me, how to I get to have sex and find "the one"? And don't give me the empty platitudes and hollow promises of "it happens when it happens" or "there's someone out there for everyone" and the like. I'm so very tired of waiting. I can't take it anymore. For the love of God, tell me how to make this empty feeling go away.


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"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Dalai Lama


ZachGoodwin
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10 Mar 2017, 9:43 pm

Feel like you, and don't be a slave to your feelings.



KiryuEX
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10 Mar 2017, 9:46 pm

ZachGoodwin wrote:
Feel like you, and don't be a slave to your feelings.

Pardon?


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Chronos
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11 Mar 2017, 12:42 am

KiryuEX wrote:
I have Aspergers syndrome. I also suffer from anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, and alexithymia. And probably some other stuff I'm forgetting at the moment.

I want sex. I want to touch and be touched. I want intimacy, both physical and emotional. I want to be loved. Or at least I think I do.

But I don't have the faintest idea on how to get these things. And I feel like I will never get to experience them. I feel utterly hopeless. I am a 28 yr old virgin. I've never even kissed or held hands. And it is killing me.

I don't feel like an adult. I feel like a boy in an adult body. I am so far behind others in my age group that I feel I will never catch up. I am currently unable to live independently, and I highly doubt if I ever will. I'm unemployed, on disability (which I have very mixed feelings about), I don't drive, and I still live with my mother. I'm 5'10" and weight ~270 lbs. I don't like my body.

I rarely leave the house except for my weekly game night and the occasional errand or family function. I don't have any friends or any kind of social network. I have no idea how to make true friends, so the idea of getting a girlfriend seems all but impossible.

I masturbate daily, but it just feels mechanical and empty. I seem to have a high sex drive, I think. I think and fantasize about sex constantly, but never about myself engaging in it. Though it's never just sex I think/fantasize about. There's also kissing and touching and emotions and dialogue and plot. The only human touch I experience on a regular basis is the hugs I give my mother. I feel utterly alone and that no one will ever want me.

People have given me advice on this, but it all really boils down to is just "go out and meet people". Okay, makes sense. But where do I go? What do I say? Who do I talk to? What do I actually do? Then people say that I'm just making excuses, that I'm not even trying. Am I?

I actually prefer being alone most of time, and I don't really like people in general. But I still get lonely. So much that I get an ache in my chest and a knot in my stomach. That I feel like I could weep if I was able to cry like a neurotypical person. It... hurts.

So tell me, how to I get to have sex and find "the one"? And don't give me the empty platitudes and hollow promises of "it happens when it happens" or "there's someone out there for everyone" and the like. I'm so very tired of waiting. I can't take it anymore. For the love of God, tell me how to make this empty feeling go away.


I was once in a similar situation as you concerning weight and social skills. What I did was...

1. Put myself on a diet, joined a gym, and lost the weight over the course of about two years. While I didn't socialize at the gym, just getting out of the house, and focusing on a goal that I was working towards, and losing the weight had a significantly positive impact on my life.

2. I started looking at social situations analytically. In doing this, I was able to eventually root out some basic rules of engagement. The first thing, and one of the most important things, at least in western culture, is eye contact. This let's people know you are engaged and receptive to interacting with them, and was also something I struggled with. I forced myself to be able to make eye contact and hold it for an acceptable period of time. By observation, I came to realize that communication between humans is no different than communication between computers, in it's elemental form. When two computers interface there is a request for communication. When two people meet, there is a request for communication. When two computers interface, if the communication request is accepted, there is a greeting ritual, or "electronic handshake" (for example: Dial Up Modem Handshake), when a communication request between two people is accepted, there is also some sort of greeting ritual. When computers communication, they take turns transmitting information, and periodically "ping" each other to determine status. When two people communication, they do much of the same, only this is called a "conversation", and the pings are verbal prompts and non verbal observations to determine the state of the other individual. People also have a "disconnect" ritual.

Typically, when I see someone I know, I will look in their direction and try to establish communication with them by looking at them, or getting their attention by saying "hello" or raising my hand in a wave. If they accept the communication, they will typically say "hello" back. Sometimes if they have time, they will approach, at which time I do a status check. This involves me trying to determine their mental, emotional, and physical state, and what they might be up to, by observing them. I will also ask how they are during this time. In most instances, this question is interpreted as a standard part of the greeting process in the communication ritual, and not taken to be an actual question, so people typically give the standard reply of "I'm fine" or "I'm ok" or some other positive reply of that sort, but sometimes they may give a reply that deviates from this. The specific topics of conversation are variable, and a topic in itself, but it's important not to monologue to the person. There should be relatively equal contribution to the conversation from both sides.

I also spent a lot of time chatting with people online before I did so in person. This eliminated the burden of interpreting non-verbal elements for me, and gave me some insight into how other people actually think.

I used other methods to improve my social skills as well, but I did have to do most of it on my own. These days, however, there are social skills programs aimed at people on the spectrum, that can streamline the process.



Jermaine
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12 Mar 2017, 1:28 pm

" how to I get to have sex and find "the one"?

Sex, well... you can get that from just about anywhere. There's clubs, and Craigslist. I suggest you do neither, and not allow your hormones to get you to that point. It's a very dangerous road and after feeling the smallest connection, you'll realize it wasn't real, then you'll have to pay for it. It's high risk from a medical standpoint, and embarrassing to even talk about.

Finding "the one", well... you'll have to 'find' her. I know I know; you don't want to hear it, but it's true, there's someone for everyone, the problem with dating in general is that people often have no idea what they're looking for, which makes the 'finding' part difficult. No filter, No preference, No target, No "one", you'll end up with a huge pool of people and 100 rejections (which is frankly; the worse feeling there is). These days, there's no preference other than appearance, and it's really the online dating platforms that encourage such a shallow Tinder like approach to the mating experience. Makes me sick to even know that there are guys who abuse the chance of having a real relationship with a female who would give the world for them.

I personally don't mind WHO it is, it would be great if someone were just attracted to me, then I can take care of the rest... I can't help but feel like I would be hurting myself to accept just anyone. Sometimes it's better to remain alone than to risk being in a bad relationship, so having a target female in mind is important, and maybe she has someone in mind, and you two will find each other, all i'm saying is that it happens.

You should signup to an Online dating platform, maybe something like OKC that has a pretty large user base and allows you to make full Bios, answer questions, and get compatible matches. The others tend to get a little complicated, but try them out.

Also; search for aspie meetups in your area, your feelings are very similar to the majority of people in WP.

I don't go out much either, and it's got to the point where I don't want to masturbate anymore. I don't yet have the confidence to go to a bar or something and play superman, and I don't intend to try anytime soon; but I am getting older... and lonelier, so it's either I meet her in the grocery store, in my neighborhood, at the park, or online.

I hear stories like "any man can get any woman he wants", but let's be honest, those guys are NTs with above average looks, a great normal personality and sense of humor. I don't have any of those things, and they're my competition. To me; I stand no chance, but then I consider something else, that my difference, is more valuable than that, actually; it may just be what gets me a solid relationship, with someone who values the fact that i'm not the same, maybe; just maybe she finds my sense of humor... humorous.


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WantToHaveALife
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12 Mar 2017, 11:43 pm

ya and us guys are supposed to get our confidence, validation from other areas of our life, and how to be confident if you haven't had a girlfriend before is the hardest part



ltcvnzl
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13 Mar 2017, 12:14 am

You already have an activity – the game night – why you don't try to grow your social interaction from it? Get closer to the people, try to make different activities with them. It's difficult, I know, but it's somewhere to start.

You can also try to engage in some course/education – this is basically the only way I know how to meet people (and for me is quite difficult to keep them after it is finished). And you can try meeting people online also, here is a good start because people are friendly and many of us can understand you quite well.



AngelRho
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13 Mar 2017, 10:37 am

Ok...here we go AGAIN...

Let's start with some reading material. This is what I like: The Bible (especially the Old Testament, I prefer the HCSB version), 48 Laws of Power, Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends And Influence People, and Stephen Covey's 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People. The basic concepts of those books are my playbook, and it's EFFECTIVE. It gets the job done. Follow those precepts and you WILL have a gf.

I play the long game, not the short game. The ultimate goal is a LTR, marriage, and children. I can't help you get laid. The principles set forth in the above books can be used that way, but that isn't what I'm about. I'm in it for the long haul. If you are inconsistent and unwilling to work for it, you will fail.

Therefore, you must do EXACTLY as I say.

The first thing you need to understand is PEOPLE. We are all greedy and selfish. You admitted you are after sex and don't want to feel alone, with the other elements of romance a mere footnote. That's revealing, because it shows you haven't regarded the feelings of any potential mate. You are being selfish, only thinking about yourself.

This isn't meant to shame you, just a way to help you understand others. If that is your nature and how you feel, how do you think others feel? They feel exactly the same way you do. Maybe not your same preferences, but we all want what we want. To understand people, you have to figure out what they want.

They are selfish. To gain power over them and draw them to you, USE THAT. Jesus said it best, "Do for others what you want them to do for you." The Golden Rule, also known generically as Reciprocity. You get back what you give.

To get dates, let's start from square one. I'm assuming you suffer from a lack of confidence. Confidence is built from experience, but experience is often lacking because a lack of confidence. It's one of many Catch-22s we face. You start by breaking the cycle. To do that, tackle small tasks you can handle. Focus on your successes. As they add up, you'll feel better about taking the next step.

You can't get a gf unless you go where girls are. I have no answer for you there, because it's always different depending on location and local culture. Parks, coffee shops, bars, bookstores/libraries, and church are all possible starting points, but defo not the ONLY ones.

Your first mission: Go where the girls are. You are not going to make contact or start a conversation. You are merely going to be present. That is all. The objective is to see and be seen. Become comfortable in your new environment and simultaneously fade into the background. People will feel uncomfortable around you at first because you're new. That will change the more you hang out. Do this REGULARLY for two weeks. Keep us posted on your progress.

One more thing: While you are NOT to initiate contact, it's possible someone might approach you. Be polite. This is your first application of the Golden Rule. Be brief and reserved with self-disclosure. Avoid talking about yourself. Instead, ask that person about himself or herself. Find out what he or she likes, ask about that. Keep them talking about themselves. Whether this is a guy or girl, a potential love interest or a definite creep, doesn't matter. This is simply an excercise in what's to come. The more practice you get, the more experience you gain. And with experience comes confidence.

Good luck!



Corny
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13 Mar 2017, 11:00 am

Have you ever tryed a online dating site to find a girl? Maybe that would work for you.



B19
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14 Mar 2017, 2:11 am

You wrote:
I rarely leave the house except for my weekly game night and the occasional errand or family function. I don't have any friends or any kind of social network. I have no idea how to make true friends, so the idea of getting a girlfriend seems all but impossible.


This paragraph seems to be crucial. To achieve your overall goal, this is where changes probably needs to happen.

These are three core issues:
You rarely leave the house.
You have no social networks.
You don't know how to make friends.

This probably involves big changes for you, so maybe start small. Could you practice leaving the house every day for a minimum of an hour for the next month perhaps? Once you achieve some change, even if it seems small to you, it can start to snowball. If you are unable to make any changes at all without support, then you may need the support of a counsellor or mentor to help you implement a plan for changes.

Once you get acclimatised to actually leaving the house daily, perhaps you could join a group that shares your interests. (Meet Up for example, which has something for nearly every one, including computer stuff).

You may feel fear at first, but remember that what we fear and what we want can be identical, so move toward the fear in a planned way. in small steps, rather than retreat from it. The fear means you are making progress out of your painful isolation.



whatamievendoing
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14 Mar 2017, 3:09 am

Corny wrote:
Have you ever tryed a online dating site to find a girl? Maybe that would work for you.


Chances are he refuses to resort to online dating. So did I for the longest time - and when I finally caved in, it didn't exactly go as planned.


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KiryuEX
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15 Mar 2017, 3:56 pm

Chronos wrote:
KiryuEX wrote:
I have Aspergers syndrome. I also suffer from anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, and alexithymia. And probably some other stuff I'm forgetting at the moment.

I want sex. I want to touch and be touched. I want intimacy, both physical and emotional. I want to be loved. Or at least I think I do.

But I don't have the faintest idea on how to get these things. And I feel like I will never get to experience them. I feel utterly hopeless. I am a 28 yr old virgin. I've never even kissed or held hands. And it is killing me.

I don't feel like an adult. I feel like a boy in an adult body. I am so far behind others in my age group that I feel I will never catch up. I am currently unable to live independently, and I highly doubt if I ever will. I'm unemployed, on disability (which I have very mixed feelings about), I don't drive, and I still live with my mother. I'm 5'10" and weight ~270 lbs. I don't like my body.

I rarely leave the house except for my weekly game night and the occasional errand or family function. I don't have any friends or any kind of social network. I have no idea how to make true friends, so the idea of getting a girlfriend seems all but impossible.

I masturbate daily, but it just feels mechanical and empty. I seem to have a high sex drive, I think. I think and fantasize about sex constantly, but never about myself engaging in it. Though it's never just sex I think/fantasize about. There's also kissing and touching and emotions and dialogue and plot. The only human touch I experience on a regular basis is the hugs I give my mother. I feel utterly alone and that no one will ever want me.

People have given me advice on this, but it all really boils down to is just "go out and meet people". Okay, makes sense. But where do I go? What do I say? Who do I talk to? What do I actually do? Then people say that I'm just making excuses, that I'm not even trying. Am I?

I actually prefer being alone most of time, and I don't really like people in general. But I still get lonely. So much that I get an ache in my chest and a knot in my stomach. That I feel like I could weep if I was able to cry like a neurotypical person. It... hurts.

So tell me, how to I get to have sex and find "the one"? And don't give me the empty platitudes and hollow promises of "it happens when it happens" or "there's someone out there for everyone" and the like. I'm so very tired of waiting. I can't take it anymore. For the love of God, tell me how to make this empty feeling go away.


I was once in a similar situation as you concerning weight and social skills. What I did was...

1. Put myself on a diet, joined a gym, and lost the weight over the course of about two years. While I didn't socialize at the gym, just getting out of the house, and focusing on a goal that I was working towards, and losing the weight had a significantly positive impact on my life.

2. I started looking at social situations analytically. In doing this, I was able to eventually root out some basic rules of engagement. The first thing, and one of the most important things, at least in western culture, is eye contact. This let's people know you are engaged and receptive to interacting with them, and was also something I struggled with. I forced myself to be able to make eye contact and hold it for an acceptable period of time. By observation, I came to realize that communication between humans is no different than communication between computers, in it's elemental form. When two computers interface there is a request for communication. When two people meet, there is a request for communication. When two computers interface, if the communication request is accepted, there is a greeting ritual, or "electronic handshake" (for example: Dial Up Modem Handshake), when a communication request between two people is accepted, there is also some sort of greeting ritual. When computers communication, they take turns transmitting information, and periodically "ping" each other to determine status. When two people communication, they do much of the same, only this is called a "conversation", and the pings are verbal prompts and non verbal observations to determine the state of the other individual. People also have a "disconnect" ritual.

Typically, when I see someone I know, I will look in their direction and try to establish communication with them by looking at them, or getting their attention by saying "hello" or raising my hand in a wave. If they accept the communication, they will typically say "hello" back. Sometimes if they have time, they will approach, at which time I do a status check. This involves me trying to determine their mental, emotional, and physical state, and what they might be up to, by observing them. I will also ask how they are during this time. In most instances, this question is interpreted as a standard part of the greeting process in the communication ritual, and not taken to be an actual question, so people typically give the standard reply of "I'm fine" or "I'm ok" or some other positive reply of that sort, but sometimes they may give a reply that deviates from this. The specific topics of conversation are variable, and a topic in itself, but it's important not to monologue to the person. There should be relatively equal contribution to the conversation from both sides.

I also spent a lot of time chatting with people online before I did so in person. This eliminated the burden of interpreting non-verbal elements for me, and gave me some insight into how other people actually think.

I used other methods to improve my social skills as well, but I did have to do most of it on my own. These days, however, there are social skills programs aimed at people on the spectrum, that can streamline the process.

1. Makes sense, but I don't think I can live with this feeling for another 2 years.

2. Sorry, but you lost me in that second part.


_________________
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Dalai Lama


KiryuEX
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15 Mar 2017, 4:02 pm

Jermaine wrote:
" how to I get to have sex and find "the one"?

Sex, well... you can get that from just about anywhere. There's clubs, and Craigslist. I suggest you do neither, and not allow your hormones to get you to that point. It's a very dangerous road and after feeling the smallest connection, you'll realize it wasn't real, then you'll have to pay for it. It's high risk from a medical standpoint, and embarrassing to even talk about.

Finding "the one", well... you'll have to 'find' her. I know I know; you don't want to hear it, but it's true, there's someone for everyone, the problem with dating in general is that people often have no idea what they're looking for, which makes the 'finding' part difficult. No filter, No preference, No target, No "one", you'll end up with a huge pool of people and 100 rejections (which is frankly; the worse feeling there is). These days, there's no preference other than appearance, and it's really the online dating platforms that encourage such a shallow Tinder like approach to the mating experience. Makes me sick to even know that there are guys who abuse the chance of having a real relationship with a female who would give the world for them.

I personally don't mind WHO it is, it would be great if someone were just attracted to me, then I can take care of the rest... I can't help but feel like I would be hurting myself to accept just anyone. Sometimes it's better to remain alone than to risk being in a bad relationship, so having a target female in mind is important, and maybe she has someone in mind, and you two will find each other, all i'm saying is that it happens.

You should signup to an Online dating platform, maybe something like OKC that has a pretty large user base and allows you to make full Bios, answer questions, and get compatible matches. The others tend to get a little complicated, but try them out.

Also; search for aspie meetups in your area, your feelings are very similar to the majority of people in WP.

I don't go out much either, and it's got to the point where I don't want to masturbate anymore. I don't yet have the confidence to go to a bar or something and play superman, and I don't intend to try anytime soon; but I am getting older... and lonelier, so it's either I meet her in the grocery store, in my neighborhood, at the park, or online.

I hear stories like "any man can get any woman he wants", but let's be honest, those guys are NTs with above average looks, a great normal personality and sense of humor. I don't have any of those things, and they're my competition. To me; I stand no chance, but then I consider something else, that my difference, is more valuable than that, actually; it may just be what gets me a solid relationship, with someone who values the fact that i'm not the same, maybe; just maybe she finds my sense of humor... humorous.

I don't go to clubs or bars (I can't stand the taste of alcohol) and I tried craigslist, for a long time, but no one wanted me there either. And I will NEVER pay for it. I refuse to pay for someone to pretend to like me.

I have tried online dating (including OKC), but no one would talk to me. Though I doubt my profiles helped at all. I have no idea how to "sell myself".


_________________
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Dalai Lama


KiryuEX
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15 Mar 2017, 4:06 pm

ltcvnzl wrote:
You already have an activity – the game night – why you don't try to grow your social interaction from it? Get closer to the people, try to make different activities with them. It's difficult, I know, but it's somewhere to start.

You can also try to engage in some course/education – this is basically the only way I know how to meet people (and for me is quite difficult to keep them after it is finished). And you can try meeting people online also, here is a good start because people are friendly and many of us can understand you quite well.

I do try to socialize with people at game night, but half the time I end up just sitting there by myself and not playing anything. Everyone there already has there own little groups.

And I will never, EVER go back to school. I HATED it.


_________________
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Dalai Lama


KiryuEX
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15 Mar 2017, 4:17 pm

AngelRho wrote:
Ok...here we go AGAIN...

Let's start with some reading material. This is what I like: The Bible (especially the Old Testament, I prefer the HCSB version), 48 Laws of Power, Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends And Influence People, and Stephen Covey's 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People. The basic concepts of those books are my playbook, and it's EFFECTIVE. It gets the job done. Follow those precepts and you WILL have a gf.

I play the long game, not the short game. The ultimate goal is a LTR, marriage, and children. I can't help you get laid. The principles set forth in the above books can be used that way, but that isn't what I'm about. I'm in it for the long haul. If you are inconsistent and unwilling to work for it, you will fail.

Therefore, you must do EXACTLY as I say.

The first thing you need to understand is PEOPLE. We are all greedy and selfish. You admitted you are after sex and don't want to feel alone, with the other elements of romance a mere footnote. That's revealing, because it shows you haven't regarded the feelings of any potential mate. You are being selfish, only thinking about yourself.

This isn't meant to shame you, just a way to help you understand others. If that is your nature and how you feel, how do you think others feel? They feel exactly the same way you do. Maybe not your same preferences, but we all want what we want. To understand people, you have to figure out what they want.

They are selfish. To gain power over them and draw them to you, USE THAT. Jesus said it best, "Do for others what you want them to do for you." The Golden Rule, also known generically as Reciprocity. You get back what you give.

To get dates, let's start from square one. I'm assuming you suffer from a lack of confidence. Confidence is built from experience, but experience is often lacking because a lack of confidence. It's one of many Catch-22s we face. You start by breaking the cycle. To do that, tackle small tasks you can handle. Focus on your successes. As they add up, you'll feel better about taking the next step.

You can't get a gf unless you go where girls are. I have no answer for you there, because it's always different depending on location and local culture. Parks, coffee shops, bars, bookstores/libraries, and church are all possible starting points, but defo not the ONLY ones.

Your first mission: Go where the girls are. You are not going to make contact or start a conversation. You are merely going to be present. That is all. The objective is to see and be seen. Become comfortable in your new environment and simultaneously fade into the background. People will feel uncomfortable around you at first because you're new. That will change the more you hang out. Do this REGULARLY for two weeks. Keep us posted on your progress.

One more thing: While you are NOT to initiate contact, it's possible someone might approach you. Be polite. This is your first application of the Golden Rule. Be brief and reserved with self-disclosure. Avoid talking about yourself. Instead, ask that person about himself or herself. Find out what he or she likes, ask about that. Keep them talking about themselves. Whether this is a guy or girl, a potential love interest or a definite creep, doesn't matter. This is simply an excercise in what's to come. The more practice you get, the more experience you gain. And with experience comes confidence.

Good luck!

It's rather presumptuous of you to imply that I just want to get laid. I'll admit, I might not have been very clear about it in my original post, but I DO want romance and a genuine connection with someone. I think. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what I really want. I just know that there is something missing. Something important.

I actually own a couple of those books, though they've never done me much good. BTW, as an agnostic, I don't put much stock in the Bible, or organized religion in general.


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"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Dalai Lama