I can't stand it anymore

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AngelRho
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15 Mar 2017, 9:10 pm

KiryuEX wrote:

AngelRho wrote:

Ok...here we go AGAIN...

Let's start with some reading material. This is what I like: The Bible (especially the Old Testament, I prefer the HCSB version), 48 Laws of Power, Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends And Influence People, and Stephen Covey's 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People. The basic concepts of those books are my playbook, and it's EFFECTIVE. It gets the job done. Follow those precepts and you WILL have a gf.

I play the long game, not the short game. The ultimate goal is a LTR, marriage, and children. I can't help you get laid. The principles set forth in the above books can be used that way, but that isn't what I'm about. I'm in it for the long haul. If you are inconsistent and unwilling to work for it, you will fail.

Therefore, you must do EXACTLY as I say.

The first thing you need to understand is PEOPLE. We are all greedy and selfish. You admitted you are after sex and don't want to feel alone, with the other elements of romance a mere footnote. That's revealing, because it shows you haven't regarded the feelings of any potential mate. You are being selfish, only thinking about yourself.

This isn't meant to shame you, just a way to help you understand others. If that is your nature and how you feel, how do you think others feel? They feel exactly the same way you do. Maybe not your same preferences, but we all want what we want. To understand people, you have to figure out what they want.

They are selfish. To gain power over them and draw them to you, USE THAT. Jesus said it best, "Do for others what you want them to do for you." The Golden Rule, also known generically as Reciprocity. You get back what you give.

To get dates, let's start from square one. I'm assuming you suffer from a lack of confidence. Confidence is built from experience, but experience is often lacking because a lack of confidence. It's one of many Catch-22s we face. You start by breaking the cycle. To do that, tackle small tasks you can handle. Focus on your successes. As they add up, you'll feel better about taking the next step.

You can't get a gf unless you go where girls are. I have no answer for you there, because it's always different depending on location and local culture. Parks, coffee shops, bars, bookstores/libraries, and church are all possible starting points, but defo not the ONLY ones.

Your first mission: Go where the girls are. You are not going to make contact or start a conversation. You are merely going to be present. That is all. The objective is to see and be seen. Become comfortable in your new environment and simultaneously fade into the background. People will feel uncomfortable around you at first because you're new. That will change the more you hang out. Do this REGULARLY for two weeks. Keep us posted on your progress.

One more thing: While you are NOT to initiate contact, it's possible someone might approach you. Be polite. This is your first application of the Golden Rule. Be brief and reserved with self-disclosure. Avoid talking about yourself. Instead, ask that person about himself or herself. Find out what he or she likes, ask about that. Keep them talking about themselves. Whether this is a guy or girl, a potential love interest or a definite creep, doesn't matter. This is simply an excercise in what's to come. The more practice you get, the more experience you gain. And with experience comes confidence.

Good luck!

It's rather presumptuous of you to imply that I just want to get laid. I'll admit, I might not have been very clear about it in my original post, but I DO want romance and a genuine connection with someone. I think. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what I really want. I just know that there is something missing. Something important.

I actually own a couple of those books, though they've never done me much good. BTW, as an agnostic, I don't put much stock in the Bible, or organized religion in general.

I'm not presuming getting laid is what you want, and perhaps I'm guilty of not making that clear. I'm just making the point that I'm not about that.

As for the Bible...I happen to take it seriously. But I also recognize the sheer universal wisdom contained in it. If you read the 10 Commandments, you'll notice that very little of it pertains to God directly, whereas most of it deals with human relations, basic law and order, etc. Obviously, you can accept it or disregard it as you like. It's up to you.

I think a lot of problems people have with that and the other books I mentioned is simply not understanding them and not following them consistently. I find that once my my actions come to fruition in success in the little things, it's easier to build onto those things to accomplish greater things. Stephen Covey calls these "small victories." Dave Ramsey refers to a psychological "snowball effect" when eliminating debt. You put some effort into removing all your obstacles while putting most of your energy into the smaller ones. Accomplish one small goal, put the effort you would have spent in that one small goal into the next largest. Get rid of that, put all your effort into the last obstacle in your way. It's effective. And any strategy that proves effectiveness is one I'll always find attractive.

So start small. Just go where people are. Become comfortable in new settings. Let people become comfortable seeing you around. If you can do that, you're ready for the next step. Any time you feel up for it, just let me know.

KiryuEX
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20 Mar 2017, 6:57 pm

I'm just so tired of it all. No matter how I look at it, it just seems hopeless.

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AngelRho
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20 Mar 2017, 9:10 pm

KiryuEX wrote:

I'm just so tired of it all. No matter how I look at it, it just seems hopeless.

Well, I'm willing to help walk you through it whenever you're ready. Just let us know.

KiryuEX
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20 Mar 2017, 10:27 pm

AngelRho wrote:

KiryuEX wrote:

I'm just so tired of it all. No matter how I look at it, it just seems hopeless.

Well, I'm willing to help walk you through it whenever you're ready. Just let us know.

How?

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AngelRho
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21 Mar 2017, 7:49 am

KiryuEX wrote:

AngelRho wrote:

KiryuEX wrote:

I'm just so tired of it all. No matter how I look at it, it just seems hopeless.

Well, I'm willing to help walk you through it whenever you're ready. Just let us know.

How?

Simple. Start by going where people are. You don't have to talk to anyone, just hang out. One hour at most. Observe. See and be seen. Become comfortable in new surroundings. Start with that.

This is a process. Understand that, first of all, and be patient. In the movie "The Karate Kid," Mr. Miyagi teaches Daniel karate by having him focus on seemingly mundane and meaningless tasks. Later he discovers he'a been learning all along.

Start simple with the basics. Get out there. Find people and blend in. That is all.

K_Kelly
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22 Mar 2017, 10:26 pm

I'm in the same boat as OP apparantly. I'm unemployed, I do have social security, I can't drive so I take the bus wheelchair lift Services, but I'm considering Uber as an alternative. As of weight, I'm 145-150 lb and I'm 5ft7 which might mean some girls might reject me more based on height, but it's not that severe I suppose. I don't have abs. I do masturbate frequently.

I don't know what I really want. In the beginning, I would prefer a shorter-term commitment that hopefully includes sex. If that makes sense.

Socially, I guessI'm pretty fuzzy with my skills.

So I guess I have no right to complain that I can't get any girl I want because I'm not an NT with an amazing personality.

I need to definitely try that concept of getting off an hour every day.

Do you have any other amazing advice?

AngelRho
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23 Mar 2017, 6:40 am

K_Kelly wrote:

Haha! I have no amazing advice...my working theory is start small with simple activities you can handle. It's a paradox to say you "meet people by not-meeting people," but for someone building social skills from the ground up that's exactly it. And it sounds cool BECAUSE it's a paradox, an interesting habit of motivational speakers and authors. People are attracted to that kind of talk, the more deep and complex it sounds, the more they want to buy in. Motivators and car salesmen can convolute things any way they want to make a sale, but at the end of the day you're still just buying a car and feeling good about yourself. lol

Your issue specifically is a lack of independence. My advice still applies, but you'll find yourself limited to a very narrow range of prospects. It's going to be tricky, but it's not impossible.

I once knew this guy in college who was wheelchair bound. Computer science major. EVERYONE knew this guy's name, including all the girls, and he was never wanting for company. It wasn't that he was smart, though. He was super-nice and enjoyed conversation.

KiryuEX
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30 Mar 2017, 5:14 pm

AngelRho wrote:

KiryuEX wrote:

AngelRho wrote:

KiryuEX wrote:

I'm just so tired of it all. No matter how I look at it, it just seems hopeless.

Well, I'm willing to help walk you through it whenever you're ready. Just let us know.

How?

I already do that on Thursdays (game night).

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AngelRho
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30 Mar 2017, 7:22 pm

Game night isn't working for you, though. No one is playing with you or interested in the games you bring. Your particular problem is lack of skill interacting with others. Game night requires actual interaction. You can't move the needle if you can't approach others at game night. You're doing yourself no favors that way.

A way to fix this is to observe what games others bring and just bring one of those. You'll have to be a little more forward and take the initiative. "Hey, that looks fun. Do you have room for one more?" The hope is they'll let you in just to be polite, but once people get to know you it will grow beyond that.

Another option is to find people around you who might enjoy that kind of thing and "recruit" them to join up and go with you. But, again, this is all skipping past quite a few steps.

No, you need to find other venues where people socialize.

What is your employment situation?

ShadowProphet
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30 Mar 2017, 8:49 pm

tacos

Last edited by ShadowProphet on 30 Mar 2017, 8:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ShadowProphet
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30 Mar 2017, 8:55 pm

You should check out this video by RSDMax, he goes in depth for 3 hours on how to talk to girls, how to get their number, how to approach women, how to tell if a girl is dtf, how to initiate kissing and sex, etc... Bring a pencil and piece of paper and write down everything he says. Stay up all night watching it if you have to.

Just promise to keep an open mind and not be cynical.

Another great video about why you should stop watching porn and masturbating.

KiryuEX
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31 Mar 2017, 2:12 pm

AngelRho wrote:

What I said was "but half the time I end up just sitting there by myself and not playing anything". I do actually get to play sometimes, with either my games or someone else's.

I can't bring other kinds of games that other people like because I only own the kinds of games I like. I do actually know some of the people there, just not very well.

What other venues? This is the only one where I actually have any desire to socialize with others. Though I would do it much more often if I had the chance. My older stepbrothers actually used to have their own game night on Saturdays, but one of them moved recently (closer to me) and it will be awhile before they can do that again.

I did finally meet with the lady from some disability program a couple weeks ago (I can't remember the name or much of the details). But supposedly I would work at Good Will. But I'm on a waiting list (so I'm not really holding my breath atm). I used to fill out job applications online and on paper, but it just became too depressing. Looking over page after page of jobs, trying to find the very few I actually qualified for and would be able to do, then applying for them. But I got nothing but rejection emails, when they even bothered to send those. I even had a few in person interviews. They never called back (though I called them back). No one wanted me. Even Wal-Mart didn't want me.

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KiryuEX
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31 Mar 2017, 2:22 pm

ShadowProphet wrote:

Another great video about why you should stop watching porn and masturbating.

Uh... I think you might have missed some key points that I've made. Like just how socially underdeveloped I am.

I don't know if I could give up porn/masturbating. It's the only physical pleasure I have.

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The_Face_of_Boo
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31 Mar 2017, 2:43 pm

I had my little circle of friends; but they're all gone, either went abroad or got married..etc - another circle fought each other and got broken. So I was almost completely loner for the last year.

And I came into realization a while ago: new friends as an adult....is even harder than dating. Most adults have already established their own network/circle of friends; and they're rarely willing to let an 'outsider' in; most people in their 30s don't have the energy for expanding anymore. You can't just bump into strangers or acquaintances you barely know and be like hey lemme join you.

I had few buddies from the It night long courses i am taking - all males except one though - we have a chat group and we share jokes all the time; I think they'll become friends. So maybe, the best way is to take some long course.

Canary
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31 Mar 2017, 4:15 pm

My advice is a little different. I feel that, if someone dislikes their life as a whole (their body, work situation, living situation, etc), then focusing on friends and dating is counterproductive.

If you have employment, you'll have more disposable income plus opportunities to talk to people. Even volunteer work will do.

If you have things that give you value and self-esteem, you'll likely be more positive and relaxed.

And so on.

Trying to tell someone to focus on dating over health, employment, self-esteem, or other things is bizarre to me. But that's the culture we live in.

AngelRho
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31 Mar 2017, 4:53 pm

KiryuEX wrote:

AngelRho wrote:

Ok, cool, re game night. I misunderstand a lot, so thanks for clearing that up.

In your first post, you mentioned several issues you have. I'm sure you are aware that they are holding you back in different ways. I can't cover everything, but there is one issue you absolutely MUST overcome right away.

EVERYTHING you have said regarding socializing is entirely focussed on YOU. Bear in mind that every single person on the planet is like this, so I'm not judging. I'm just pointing out a fact of life. What they have that you don't is a desire to reach out to others SO THAT others will give them what they want in return.

You have to start with yourself. You absolutely MUST do things you have no desire to do if you want to achieve your dating goals. You need to own the kinds of games others play in order to get their attention.

I know you aren't interested. But be honest with yourself. Is getting dates, a gf, a LTR/marriage/family or whatever you're going for worth doing all of this? See, it doesn't matter what interests you. What matters is what others are interested in. You have to sacrifice yourself, i.e. your interests, in order to win those people.

If you can't do this, it's mainly that you have no desire to and have no desire to get to know other people. If you don't care about others, you will not succeed.

You have to come to a place where you decide either you want it bad enough you will give up everything for it, or you remain content with your life and give up the prospect of relationships. No shame in that, either. There's actually a lot of peace to be found in giving up something that doesn't really matter to you in the first place.

I almost married this one girl. I was so convinced that I'd never be with anyone else that I put myself through the hell of a miserable relationship, holding on no matter the cost. When I broke up with her, I felt the full burden of being alone. And you know what? It was so much easier than being with her. I wanted so badly to be married, more than anything, and every dream was about to come true. But at what cost, with her screaching at me every single night? No, I realized this relationship, no matter what history, not matter how much love...it's NOT WORTH IT.

If your game night is most important, or the games you like, or your home life...if that is most important to you, dating will ruin it. Relationships will ruin it.

If you really want to date and have a relationship, you have to be willing to give that up. Maybe not 100%, but it cannot hold the same place of importance or priority it once did. You MUST think of others first.

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