17 Year old daugther rather be on her phone then do homework

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My daughter was not diagnosed with Aspergers until 2015. I always felt there was an issue, but no testing was definitive and she was an excellent student until she began struggling in middle school and she could not make any friends.
Once we had diagnosis she began thearphy and it is just a slow process.
She is very angry with the world since she was misunderstood for so many years which causes her to get very angry at times. Unfortunately she took that out on social media which got her in a bit of trouble. She has strong world views that many might find not appropriate for her age.
She would rather be researching those topics then doing her school work. She would like to go to college and I know that if she could put her priorities in a better order it is more than possible.
I do not have Asperger's since my daughter is adopted from China.
How can I reach her in a way that is not dictating, but guiding her priorities in right direction.
She is the joy of my life but the challenges can be overwhelming.

It is not uncommon for aspies to work on their own developmental timetable and IMO as long as the child is doing something constructive during the time, I don't think it is a bad idea for an aspie to take a gap year or more before heading off to college. The main issue is sometimes the break in routine can make it hard to get back into the groove of classes after taking a break and also issues about ones peers going while you are not.

if the issues she cares about lend themselves to it, she may be able to segue her gap time into something that looks good for college apps, too. That can give her time to settle down a bit until she is more of a self-starter.

Edited because I asked how old your daughter is and it was right in the title of your post. Doh!

She sounds like literally every 17 year old I know. Heck. I'm 42 and I still prefer to doodle around online to getting my work done.

Life really is easier on Aspies when we can get ourselves into professional-intellectual type jobs, especially if we can find a line of work where we can work fairly independently. (although there are plenty of exceptions.)

Honestly, at 17, her life is her own. Her school work is her own school work. Her ambitions are her own ambitions. You can't make her do her work anymore. I suppose you could insist that she maintain a certain level of chores and respect in your house. But this thing where you as the parent are in charge of making her do her homework? That's over. It's hers. And if she doesn't do it, she will get poor grades. If she gets poor grades, she will not get into the college that she wants.

You can work on getting the home environment good for studying. For example, make sure she has a desk and all the materials she needs for studying. You can offer to hire a tutor to work with her. Basically, you can provide resources to support her in goals you wish she would have.

Some parents do find success with bribing their older teens with something big. I don't know if that fits with your family's values and means, but it does work sometimes. Remember, they just don't have the critical thinking skills to keep their priorities straight. Combining that with supports would probably work the best.

It's possible to make her earn her cell phone time with good grades. I've seen that done. They HATE it, but it works. You just cut off the data plan if she doesn't earn her grades. Note again, that her grades are still hers. You are just taking away one of the things that you pay for - the phone. If she has a way of paying for her own plan, that's a whole different story. And good for her.

I was just having a conversation with adult autistics and how great it is that we are older now and we know more about our autism and what we can do to be comfortable in our bodies. It would be great if you supported her in discovering these things earlier than we learned them. That way she won't spend years dissociating and developing co-morbid disorders as she tries to act like a NT all the time.

Well congratulations, something is normal about her.

Seriously, this is entirely normal teenage behavior.



Meet with a highschool guidance counselor and tell them you want her on the college track, and ask for a yearly plan of what courses she needs to take to better her chances of getting into the school of her choice.

Start looking at colleges with her and their programs so her goals seem a little more within reach and she can decide what college she wants to go to, what she might want to study, and when she needs to apply.

Get her involved in some activity that she enjoys, that also limits her time on the phone and will look good on a college application.