Wife wants to get rid of 'screen time' for my son

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Chapel
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16 Mar 2017, 12:50 pm

So, this comes and goes with the wind, but my wife believes that both my son and I get too addicted to screens and that he simply shouldn't have them. I'm too gone to save to her.

The problem is my son is VERY passionate about video games and really wants to make games and do game design (He's 7.)

I feel like she's making the wrong decision because she's basically removing one of his BIG passions in life. But because she sees me as an 'addict' she won't listen to me.

Not quite sure how to handle this.


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ASDMommyASDKid
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16 Mar 2017, 1:13 pm

You are probably going to get a mixed response for this because parents on here have different experiences and perspectives on this issue.

We are a very computer-friendly household, so I would never ban screen time. A lot of my son's independent learning is on the computer, as are many of his assignments. (He is home schooled, but kids who go to regular school, typically have school assignments that are on the computer also) Tech skills are important.

She is never going to be able to purge all screen time from his life. Screens are part of the modern world.

That said, your wife may have other concerns, that you are going to have to figure out if she is not communicating them accurately.

1. Your screen use is the problem, and she is projecting onto your son. If this is the case, then you have to find out what she wants you to be doing more of instead of being on the computer and address that as a separate issue from your son.

2. Your son is having trouble transitioning from screen to school work or chores if he has any. This is a valid concern for many, because he needs to be able to other things. Sometimes the line is blurrier because the parent think old time leisure pursuits are better. Sometimes the child really does need -some- exercise and the ability to do homework etc.

3. Some kids get riled up by all the screen time, and at the very least have to have an hour or more of a break before bed or other activities to settle them down.



arielhawksquill
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16 Mar 2017, 1:27 pm

You could save screen time for your son and yourself by setting and keeping to limits. At our house video games are respected, but we don't play before school in the morning (makes getting ready too hard), before homework is done after school, while eating dinner, or in the hour before bedtime (it causes difficulty winding down to go to sleep later.) That really only leaves 2 hours a day for the kid to game in, which is hardly enough for your wife to complain about. And your kid will do anything not to lose those 2 hours, so it becomes a realistic bargaining chip instead of a vague threat when you need to ensure good behavior.



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16 Mar 2017, 1:29 pm

I agree with you, altogether removing a passion that is important to him will only have negative consequences and make him feel resentful. I can understand a time limit on how much screen time he gets in a day...especially being only 7. Also what did he do wrong that this is a 'punishment' for? He is probably going to feel like he is being punished just for being him, frantically wondering what he did so wrong playing video games to make his mom want to ban him from all screen time and take all his games.

What she wants to do certainly is the wrong thing. And I find it concerning that she flat out doesn't listen to you about things like this. Why has she decided your addicted to games? do you literally just sit there and play games all day every day? Or is she just trying to impose her dislike of them.....I don't understand why she agreed to start a family with you knowing you play video games if its such a terrible thing to her.


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16 Mar 2017, 1:33 pm

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
You are probably going to get a mixed response for this because parents on here have different experiences and perspectives on this issue.

We are a very computer-friendly household, so I would never ban screen time. A lot of my son's independent learning is on the computer, as are many of his assignments. (He is home schooled, but kids who go to regular school, typically have school assignments that are on the computer also) Tech skills are important.

She is never going to be able to purge all screen time from his life. Screens are part of the modern world.

That said, your wife may have other concerns, that you are going to have to figure out if she is not communicating them accurately.

1. Your screen use is the problem, and she is projecting onto your son. If this is the case, then you have to find out what she wants you to be doing more of instead of being on the computer and address that as a separate issue from your son.

2. Your son is having trouble transitioning from screen to school work or chores if he has any. This is a valid concern for many, because he needs to be able to other things. Sometimes the line is blurrier because the parent think old time leisure pursuits are better. Sometimes the child really does need -some- exercise and the ability to do homework etc.

3. Some kids get riled up by all the screen time, and at the very least have to have an hour or more of a break before bed or other activities to settle them down.


Yes but this kids mom is talking about taking away all screen time, not setting limits.


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ASDMommyASDKid
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16 Mar 2017, 2:11 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
You are probably going to get a mixed response for this because parents on here have different experiences and perspectives on this issue.

We are a very computer-friendly household, so I would never ban screen time. A lot of my son's independent learning is on the computer, as are many of his assignments. (He is home schooled, but kids who go to regular school, typically have school assignments that are on the computer also) Tech skills are important.

She is never going to be able to purge all screen time from his life. Screens are part of the modern world.

That said, your wife may have other concerns, that you are going to have to figure out if she is not communicating them accurately.

1. Your screen use is the problem, and she is projecting onto your son. If this is the case, then you have to find out what she wants you to be doing more of instead of being on the computer and address that as a separate issue from your son.

2. Your son is having trouble transitioning from screen to school work or chores if he has any. This is a valid concern for many, because he needs to be able to other things. Sometimes the line is blurrier because the parent think old time leisure pursuits are better. Sometimes the child really does need -some- exercise and the ability to do homework etc.

3. Some kids get riled up by all the screen time, and at the very least have to have an hour or more of a break before bed or other activities to settle them down.


Yes but this kids mom is talking about taking away all screen time, not setting limits.


Agreed. That was why I said, "She is never going to be able to purge all screen time from his life." I meant by that (and was not clear) that is the first thing the OP needs his wife to understand.

I included the rest because assuming his wife is at least a little bit aware of what is going on in the real world, she is going to have to concede that screen time is here to stay. When my son was in PS, in our technologically backward school district, they were still using a lot of instructional screen time way earlier than 7.

If she views this as something her son can be opted out of, she is wrong. She won't be able to ban it at home, either because there will be screen-time based homework. The next battlefield is going to be limits. It may mean that she will still try to purge anything that is leisure screen time, but again, at that point it is still a type of limit versus a ban.



Chapel
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16 Mar 2017, 2:40 pm

the problem is that I feel like she won't listen to me because she has me as an addict and an enabler on this.
Granted, my addiction with 'screens' (which is a term I hate) is why I'm such a successful adult.

Not to mention, she's basically taking away one of the things my son and I do together and both enjoy equally together.


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Chapel
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16 Mar 2017, 2:49 pm

also, she personally hates video games. And when he plays games it's "all he talks about". I feel like this is more of a problem for her than him. He's gotten really good at transitioning from games to chores lately.


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arielhawksquill
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16 Mar 2017, 3:47 pm

In what way do you spend time together with your wife--a way in which you are as engaged and interested in her as you are in video games? If she is feeling neglected, her occasional lashing out about screen time is probably an indication of this rather than concern about "addiction".



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16 Mar 2017, 3:49 pm

Ok, so you think the main issue is that she doesn't like the special interest talk?

If that is the actual, real issue, then you are going to have to explain that odds are she is not going to like any of his special interests. (It will probably increase it, at least in the short run, if anything) What if was talking about something else that bored her, but that was in his mind, and she could not take away. Would she tolerate that? Does she understand that special interests are the best way to teach skills to autistic kids?

My son talks a lot about appliances. Would she take out all the appliances in your house if your son talked incessantly about them? I would hope not. :)

I don't know if this is going to help you formulate a response. Does she actually understand anything about autism?



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16 Mar 2017, 7:31 pm

I wouldn't get rid of screen time for him, since that's just asking for trouble, but I would compromise by trying to introduce him to some offline hobbies related to computers and gaming.

Teach him to play tabletop games like D&D, Magic: The Gathering, or Warhammer (careful, the latter two can be pretty expensive :P). Build things like models and electronic circuits together. Show him some classic fantasy/sci-fi novels or comic books. Get into creative things like drawing or playing musical instruments, or even writing.

All of these things can be done without computers or even a television, though given that your son has in interest in game development, they can definitely tie into that.


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17 Mar 2017, 7:36 am

Make a deal with her. Limit screen time for your son to a certain amount of time and at specific times. If possible take the tv out of the living room. Make one specific place where it is watched or used to play games.

As for yourself, you have to decide what to do to make yourself and your wife happy. You could try giving her your focused time a few times during the day. Or doing an activity as a family. That should satisfy her.

It's not really the screens we get so upset about. It's what you're neglecting while using the screens.



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17 Mar 2017, 1:18 pm

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
You are probably going to get a mixed response for this because parents on here have different experiences and perspectives on this issue.

We are a very computer-friendly household, so I would never ban screen time. A lot of my son's independent learning is on the computer, as are many of his assignments. (He is home schooled, but kids who go to regular school, typically have school assignments that are on the computer also) Tech skills are important.

She is never going to be able to purge all screen time from his life. Screens are part of the modern world.

That said, your wife may have other concerns, that you are going to have to figure out if she is not communicating them accurately.

1. Your screen use is the problem, and she is projecting onto your son. If this is the case, then you have to find out what she wants you to be doing more of instead of being on the computer and address that as a separate issue from your son.

2. Your son is having trouble transitioning from screen to school work or chores if he has any. This is a valid concern for many, because he needs to be able to other things. Sometimes the line is blurrier because the parent think old time leisure pursuits are better. Sometimes the child really does need -some- exercise and the ability to do homework etc.

3. Some kids get riled up by all the screen time, and at the very least have to have an hour or more of a break before bed or other activities to settle them down.


Yes but this kids mom is talking about taking away all screen time, not setting limits.


Agreed. That was why I said, "She is never going to be able to purge all screen time from his life." I meant by that (and was not clear) that is the first thing the OP needs his wife to understand.

I included the rest because assuming his wife is at least a little bit aware of what is going on in the real world, she is going to have to concede that screen time is here to stay. When my son was in PS, in our technologically backward school district, they were still using a lot of instructional screen time way earlier than 7.

If she views this as something her son can be opted out of, she is wrong. She won't be able to ban it at home, either because there will be screen-time based homework. The next battlefield is going to be limits. It may mean that she will still try to purge anything that is leisure screen time, but again, at that point it is still a type of limit versus a ban.


Yeah I'd still disagree with that limit though...I mean what are you going to motivate the kid with, 'oh do you're homework but you're not allowed any leisure screen time if you complete it.' Also IDK I just don't agree with parents trying to control their kids interests.


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17 Mar 2017, 1:26 pm

Chapel wrote:
the problem is that I feel like she won't listen to me because she has me as an addict and an enabler on this.
Granted, my addiction with 'screens' (which is a term I hate) is why I'm such a successful adult.

Not to mention, she's basically taking away one of the things my son and I do together and both enjoy equally together.


Why does she say you're addicted? Are you slacking off on household duties you've agreed to or are you like always on the computer 24/7. I hate to say it, but it just sounds like she's trying to be controlling with this issue because she's decided she hates video games and people using computers...thus she has to impose it on you and your son.

unfortunately I can't say I have much advice for that.


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17 Mar 2017, 1:41 pm

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
Ok, so you think the main issue is that she doesn't like the special interest talk?

If that is the actual, real issue, then you are going to have to explain that odds are she is not going to like any of his special interests. (It will probably increase it, at least in the short run, if anything) What if was talking about something else that bored her, but that was in his mind, and she could not take away. Would she tolerate that? Does she understand that special interests are the best way to teach skills to autistic kids?

My son talks a lot about appliances. Would she take out all the appliances in your house if your son talked incessantly about them? I would hope not. :)

I don't know if this is going to help you formulate a response. Does she actually understand anything about autism?


Yeah that is a good question, he talks so much about games because that's a special interest. With me it was cats, animals and the environment when I was 7. I am sure it got repetitive and annoying at times, but what were my parents to do get rid of my cat, ban me reading books and watching documentaries about wildlife and reading about environmental issues?


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17 Mar 2017, 2:00 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
You are probably going to get a mixed response for this because parents on here have different experiences and perspectives on this issue.

We are a very computer-friendly household, so I would never ban screen time. A lot of my son's independent learning is on the computer, as are many of his assignments. (He is home schooled, but kids who go to regular school, typically have school assignments that are on the computer also) Tech skills are important.

She is never going to be able to purge all screen time from his life. Screens are part of the modern world.

That said, your wife may have other concerns, that you are going to have to figure out if she is not communicating them accurately.

1. Your screen use is the problem, and she is projecting onto your son. If this is the case, then you have to find out what she wants you to be doing more of instead of being on the computer and address that as a separate issue from your son.

2. Your son is having trouble transitioning from screen to school work or chores if he has any. This is a valid concern for many, because he needs to be able to other things. Sometimes the line is blurrier because the parent think old time leisure pursuits are better. Sometimes the child really does need -some- exercise and the ability to do homework etc.

3. Some kids get riled up by all the screen time, and at the very least have to have an hour or more of a break before bed or other activities to settle them down.


Yes but this kids mom is talking about taking away all screen time, not setting limits.


Agreed. That was why I said, "She is never going to be able to purge all screen time from his life." I meant by that (and was not clear) that is the first thing the OP needs his wife to understand.

I included the rest because assuming his wife is at least a little bit aware of what is going on in the real world, she is going to have to concede that screen time is here to stay. When my son was in PS, in our technologically backward school district, they were still using a lot of instructional screen time way earlier than 7.

If she views this as something her son can be opted out of, she is wrong. She won't be able to ban it at home, either because there will be screen-time based homework. The next battlefield is going to be limits. It may mean that she will still try to purge anything that is leisure screen time, but again, at that point it is still a type of limit versus a ban.


Yeah I'd still disagree with that limit though...I mean what are you going to motivate the kid with, 'oh do you're homework but you're not allowed any leisure screen time if you complete it.' Also IDK I just don't agree with parents trying to control their kids interests.



Oh, yeah, I know. The thing is is if he tells here she is being unreasonable, she is probably going to double-down on it and get more stubborn. He has to present it in a logical way, and I suspect that it will be difficult because I think he trying to argue game time is "productive." Game-time is relaxing, which can lead to better productivity, but if she is dead-set on thinking it is an obstacle to productivity, he is not going to persuasive. If he also maybe teaches him "productive" computer stuff like coding with Scratch (it is kid friendly) he might have a better argument.

Also, I suspect there is a larger issue that maybe she is sort of communicating, but not 100% clear about. The reason I say that is the OP says his wife considers his gaming to be an issue and because she can't control him, she concentrates on controlling the son's game use because she can and she doesn't want the tow of them exhibiting the behaviors the husband is.

So, I still think that her specific real issues have to be uncovered and addressed. parents generally do not interfere in activities the child and other parent do together just because they are viewed as boring. I mean, otherwise, she could take the time they game together and do something she likes on her own, or with friends or whatever. The reason she doesn't is she thinks it is an actual problem, and maybe that he is neglecting actual parenting and keeping his son off-track.