Embracing My Reality

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I'm 31 years old, not officially diagnosed. I have an awesome 6 year old little boy. We connect great and I see lots of little quirks in him, but I don't think he's aspie. He is very independent, compassionate, sociable, loves documentaries, talks proper, and is wonderful. I am a lucky mama!!

I've taken the aspergers test several times and always score high (a 40 or so). I have read lists, and been pretty sure it's me. I spent years in and out of therapy, didn't talk until I was 4, behavior problems as a child. Nobody noticed anything in school, but that was years ago. I have no friends. At all. It bothers me a little but overall I'm a happy hermit. I do go out a lot by myself. I get nervous but have gotten used to it. I struggle to get and keep jobs, relationships are a disaster. I have slowly learned how to "people" more, but I often screen text messages and voicemails! Obsessive thoughts, certain noises irritates me to no end, super sensitive to certain feels (like clothes and what not), the "weird" habits of mine. Only diagnosis I have is pmdd (severe pms). Nothing explains me except Aspergers. And I wonder how it has been missed all these years, and how have I survived, blending in while feeling so out of place.

I've always ran from an official diagnosis. It felt scary. Now I am realizing how alone I feel, misunderstood, weird and like I don't belong. I need to belong, and would be happy with belonging to others just like me. I don't want to be normal but I'm tired of not knowing. I'm going to make an appointment this week to try and get things going. And that's scary too. But I feel like it would be an identity, explain exactly who I am. I would stop desperately seeking answers, a reason, or a magical cure for all the ways I think and feel that aren't normal. I would be able to embrace my reality and know exactly what course to take to better cope. My family (including my sis who is a school psychologist) shrugs me off when I talk to them, so I feel an official diagnosis would provide much needed validation, and understanding (I'm the black sheep).

Very happy to have found this forum and a place to start!

Hi and welcome. I can relate to a lot of what you say as I'm sure most people on here can. I get what you mean about just belonging to a group or label rather than just feeling out of place and weird. I just assume everyone thinks I'm a bit odd and wish I could just say to them I'm an aspie rather than being odd or weird. I keep wanting to go and get a proper diagnosis after my counselor t hat I had for depression suggested I had aspergers. I think it would be a good thing for you when you get your diagnosis and hopefully friends and family will look at you differently and at least try to understand you better. Feel free to message me if you want a chat or a rant about anything, its good to talk to people with similar problems and I hope things go well for you with the doctor.

Yep took me 36 years to realise I had AS. Though I present well and don't have social anxiety.

Also didn't want to have it, took me about a year to finally accept it after some indepth research.
Though now I know what I am, I'm happy and would not have it any other way. Even though it does make some of my life difficult (no friends), I now understand how society functions and why things happen socially.