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ceo145
Tufted Titmouse
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20 Mar 2017, 4:08 am

Hi i dont know if this is the good spot to post here but i would like to die really. I tried to swallow pink laurel flowers or other poisenous plants. This life is too horrible i want to end it. I am maybe ret*d.



Stardust Parade
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20 Mar 2017, 4:18 am

Then go to your nearest emergency room! Please don't kill yourself. There has to be someone in your life your decision will affect negatively. Family, friends, etc.



ceo145
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20 Mar 2017, 4:40 am

But do you think i am brain damaged the reason i would like to die is because i had a head trauma and i feel overall less smart i prefer to die than beeing deminished in intelligence. Did i became less smart because of injury?



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Deinonychus
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20 Mar 2017, 4:50 am

ceo145 wrote:
But do you think i am brain damaged the reason i would like to die is because i had a head trauma and i feel overall less smart i prefer to die than beeing deminished in intelligence. Did i became less smart because of injury?

That sucks, but at least you're not hooked up to ventilator and feeding tube for the rest of your life like the kid I take care of that got brain damage. He's permanently bed ridden for the rest of his life. Think about that for a moment.



Vex
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20 Mar 2017, 7:38 pm

Seek medical help first of all, then work on addressing the problem. No matter whats going on for you, theres always a solution and none of them are suicide. Ive had some serious head trauma from a career of motorbike racing and massive accidents. Ive often wondered if thats what causes similar feelings in myself. The thing is I stopped asking why why why, because i realised even if i knew exactly why, the solution to dealing with it is the same. People on the spectrum get overwhelmed easily, and are extremely prone to burnout. I went through an extremely rough period 10 years ago, with a genuine suicide attempt in a psych ward as i just couldnt take life anymore. It was only luck that someone checked in on me that im here today, and im glad because I later lost a close family member to suicide and its devastating to everyone and most of all the ones closest to you... even if its only 1 or 2 people.

We're often not very self aware with these things, and it was only last week that the ideation was in my mind. Ideation being Im not going to ever attempt again but i just sorta wish i would die as i have moments where i think i just cant go on anymore. Ive also learned that this is a point of burnout for me, and are working with support groups, and a psychologist to help reduce these episodes.

Finally the biggest help of all, and the one that I refused for 10+ years as i was worried about it altering my personality, making me dull or something like that, was going on an anti-depressant. Im on prozac, and i cannot tell you how much EASIER its made my life. Nothing about me changed, i just lost my pretty much permanent anxiety, and as the anti-depressant part starts to work it reduced the amount of negative self speak, to see life as less blue and grey, and gave me the space to see it for what it really is. Beautiful. Your experience in life is directly related to your perspective of it.

I also believe we're here on this planet to learn, what we dont learn in this life we learn in the next, so if this is what im presented with now im going to deal with it so that i dont have to do it again, and suicide will mean this living this life over again which doesnt sound that great to me ;)

Please call someone or go to a hospital if you're genuinely at the point of attempt, and before not after. Keep your chin up and reach out to someone and talk about these feelings you're having face to face.



NotThatClever13
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21 Mar 2017, 11:29 am

ceo145 wrote:
But do you think i am brain damaged the reason i would like to die is because i had a head trauma and i feel overall less smart i prefer to die than beeing deminished in intelligence. Did i became less smart because of injury?


One of the great myths of our society is that everyone is equal in ability and able to do anything someone else is able to do. That's not to say everyone shouldn't be treated equally fairly or valued equally however. It was an accident, depending on the damage done it can impair your abilities. It's not about how smart or how athletic etc you are, it's about what you do with those abilities you have. Try to use what you have to the fullest potential. Find and focus on areas you know you are good at.

Although being suicidal is no fun. It takes away our ability to reason and to think clearly about our circumstances. Remind yourself that those thoughts are lies generated by your mind. You can't see it when you are feeling down but you will recognize it once you come out of it.



davidmcg
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21 Mar 2017, 12:02 pm

Hello OP. I have been and sometimes still am in a similar situation with suicidal feelings. They can be strong and it seems like the best option sometimes, but that's what they are....fleeting moments in time where you feel life is too much and you feel you'd be better off not being around. Another day, you think...hmm...life is not so bad...I have friends...family...I want to live. I'm not going to say to you to think of other people as you already know that...but think of yourself...I'm not sure how old you are or how long you've had these issues but speak to someone...I was prescribed anti-depressants for my suicidal tendencies and they're not as bad...I have days where I am thankful to be alive...There are people on here and other places who will help you. Don't be alone. Death is permanent...unchangeable. Call The Samaritans...they are invaluable, understand and helpful.

I'll even talk to you if you need someone to talk to...but please don't decide enough is enough and end it...life can be so much more rewarding.



ceo145
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21 Mar 2017, 3:30 pm

I've decided since long ago to end my life i think that permanent damage needs a permanent solution.
The world of neurology is very pessimistic and they say that once you've damaged your brain its over you cant rergenerate it. As i am probably permanently brain damaged the only solution i see is suicide.
I even think i was maybe gifted pre injury but i doubt it is the case.
I dont care if i suffer during suicide i just want to die to end a life that has became unbereable always beeing in doubt about my brain and my abilities pre injury.
I actually hate this condition having to refer to post and pre injury abilities, why my abilities cant be the same, they are the same holy s.... i know it because doctors and psychologist told me it was the case.
But can you answer my question do you think i became ret*d because of injury do i sound ret*d?
Is it possible to loose your giftedness after a head trauma?
I cant sustain those questions anymore, as well as having diminished abilities.
Whathever you say i will try to commit suicide by eating rosebay as i already did.



Vex
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21 Mar 2017, 5:48 pm

No you dont sound ret*d by any means, just depressed. Read up on neuroplasticity, its not a concept, its real. People suffer major head trauma and are told they will never do certain things again but end up being totally fine. My aunt for example.

If you dont have anyone to speak to call a help line. People who played sport their whole lives and loose their legs work out a way through perseverance and A LOT of help from other people and continue to do the sport they love. Your main issue sounds like depression, thats the sense of hopelessness and self hatred/pity you're feeling, and that can be a result of a brain injury - as ive mentioned about myself. It can also be resolved.



ceo145
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24 Mar 2017, 7:48 am

How can you rate the severity of injury, i am afraid my injruy was possibly severe how can you rate the severity of an injury? By the way do i feel mentally challenged and how do you assess a person's intelligence and if he is mentally challenged or intellectually disabled?
I feel really concerned about my intelligence and the consequences of brain injury. I tried to call the helpline but it had little effect on me.
It's out subject but my writting seems very mechanical and awkward, before the injruy i wrote well and clear.
I am also followed by a psychiatrist but it is not really for me.
I ahave tried everything that is why i am thinking about suicide.
In the injury i had a very small bleed which went away by itself, nor coma or rehab. I never had brain surgery.
My doctor told me it was like a concussion having the same effects.



antnego
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24 Mar 2017, 11:37 am

Killing yourself will eliminate any chance you have at a better life, which is totally attainable. You'll find your place in this universe if you continue to seek the truth and learn to become comfortable in your own skin. Know that no person or thing outside of yourself can make you feel better than what you think of yourself - and what you think of yourself is VERY malleable. If you learn to think well of yourself, your feelings will follow.

Believe it or not, emotional pain is temporary. It will pass if you stop holding onto it. Start by seeking individual psychotherapy. An assessment by a psychiatrist might be in order, too.


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24 Mar 2017, 12:23 pm

Just don't do it, don't, that's all.
I've wanted to myself, a number of times, after different events in my life, and when you feel that way, it feels like nothing could be worse than carrying on.
I just found this place after following links to research if I should expect anything different in my own grief than all the NTs around me will be feeling, I lost a very dear friend to suicide, very recently, her funeral is tomorrow.
Just don't do it, you have no conception how bad it feels to be one of the ones left behind, with no hope to regain any of what is lost, anyone will tell you that you at least have some, please try to find it. For the sake of everyone else, if you can't just for yourself.



Raleigh
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25 Mar 2017, 8:22 pm

ceo145 wrote:
How can you rate the severity of injury, i am afraid my injruy was possibly severe how can you rate the severity of an injury? By the way do i feel mentally challenged and how do you assess a person's intelligence and if he is mentally challenged or intellectually disabled?
I feel really concerned about my intelligence and the consequences of brain injury. I tried to call the helpline but it had little effect on me.
It's out subject but my writting seems very mechanical and awkward, before the injruy i wrote well and clear.
I am also followed by a psychiatrist but it is not really for me.
I ahave tried everything that is why i am thinking about suicide.
In the injury i had a very small bleed which went away by itself, nor coma or rehab. I never had brain surgery.
My doctor told me it was like a concussion having the same effects.

I have had brain surgery.
I'm now classified as brain injured.
I can understand the depressive feelings surrounding being unable to do things you were once able to do well.
For instance, I used to do finely detailed art.
Now I can barely draw a straight line.
I've found some comfort in finding things I can do well instead of pining over the things I can no longer do.
I can't paint like Rembrandt, but I can manage something like a Jackson Pollock.
By the way, I was told I would 'never' be able to do a lot of things which I am quite capable of doing.
The brain does compensate.


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Lostinthesauce2
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26 Mar 2017, 3:30 am

I tried to do it once. The pain you cause everyone else isn't worth it and will haunt you for a long time.



ceo145
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26 Mar 2017, 11:07 am

Again i am really worried i have massive brain damage and the idea of not beeing able to know it feightens me. I better be off dead than alive. Y are you telling me to live as maybe i have brain damage which is permanent.
For me better be off dead.
I was thinking today of jumping under a train that is my new thought. But maybe you'll think im dumb not comitting suicide. But again how do you know if you have brain damage and if it is massive or not? I had a neurologist telling me that i dont have massive brain damage and that i have no more brain damage is it possible?



FeardyBase
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26 Mar 2017, 2:00 pm

Absolutely do NOT jump under a train/bus/truck/other equipment operated by another human being. The operator will be haunted the rest of their lives by the fact they were helpless to prevent the outcome. They could easily find it as difficult to live with as you fear whatever injury you have suffered will be. Careers and consequently whole family's lives have been wrecked by such inconsiderate suicides.

The fact you currently feel your life not to be worth living, does not give you the right to wreck other people's lives.

Also bear in mind most attempts at suicide fail, OFTEN they leave the person who tried in a worse situation than before they tried.. "suicide by vehicle" is notorious for resulting in a traumatized driver, and a survivor who is now in a wheelchair in addition to their previous troubles.