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negativalpha
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20 Mar 2017, 5:20 am

I've been seeing a therapist (for almost a year) mainly because of anxiety issues and general lack of understanding of how other people function.

For the past few days I've been researching ASD and I feel like a lot of the symptoms/issues/characteristics describe me and my life. As I've already told my therapist, for a long time I thought that there's something very wrong with the world but at some point I realized that I might be me after all (though hard to accept). After that I've stopped identifying as "human" since I lack most of the urges or interests other people do and started claiming that "I don't belong and have not been made for this world" and "my brain works differently from others".

I have a bad habit of self-diagnosing. I've previously suggested to my therapist that I might have alexithymia because I struggle on understanding while I feel the way I do. As anyone, I'd really like to know if and what is it that I am. I haven't yet requested (or received) a diagnosis of any kind.

I'm finding it hard to tune myself to the thought of having to propose another (or ask for a) diagnosis because of a fear of being incorrect (with which is struggle a lot) and that I might in some way imply to my therapist that I don't trust her or that I find her incompetent (which I don't). The incompetence part of my worries comes mostly from that I strongly believe that where I live (Latvia), mental health is not really prioritized and mental issues are considered as being a "wimp".

I know this might be a very vague question, but maybe someone can relate or suggest something?



Keigan
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20 Mar 2017, 5:26 am

You have described your fear of being incorrect, which in itself sound more of a situation than a personality trait.

If you are looking for help to understand Alexithymia or Autism then you might want to describe what you are experiencing and ask a clearer question.



negativalpha
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20 Mar 2017, 6:32 am

I myself don't consider my "fear of being incorrect" as a situation specific. When I was a child, I would fear for being called out in front of the class because I would fear performing a task incorrectly which of course would cause other students to react in some way. In my work life, I avoid making conversations, especially work related, just because of that. "What will these people think of me?", "What punishment I might receive for being wrong?" and so on. In social situations the same applies. I'd rather not converse of things I don't know well because of similar reasons. I guess I'm more fearful of being judged than anything else. Even the thought of being incorrect causes my heart to pump faster and I blush. I blush easily. Though these fears could probably be classified as an anxiety disorder.

As per the alexithymia part, I mean it more as an example or rather even an excuse not to bring the diagnosis subject up in my sessions. Finding obstacles in life is a specialty of mine. I see problems everywhere I look. Since I spoke of it with my therapist, I've dropped the thought of having alexithymia.

My fears aside, I guess all I wanted to ask was - how to approach my therapist about another self diagnosis?



Last edited by negativalpha on 20 Mar 2017, 7:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

negativalpha
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20 Mar 2017, 7:31 am

My experience - that's a tough one.
For the most part I'm very apathetic. Realizing that most people are not interested in what I think or how I think I've limited my interactions with other people to the absolute minimum. I "socialize" mostly within the context of my job. I recently switched jobs because my former work place was too stressful for me. For every team-building event, colleagues would constantly ask me if I'd attend which I found quite annoying since they would query me repeatedly until the event. "Why am I not allowed to not participate?" was the question in my mind most of the time. As with a lot of things, out found my work place too chaotic for me to be in.

I have a tough time falling asleep because my mind is incapable of letting go of past events. It generates possible scenarios in which I might find myself uncomfortable. I often think of why I am the way I am. Falling asleep, unless intoxicated, requires at least an hour or two. This has persisted since I can remember myself. In the past I was able to pull myself together and get up in the morning, but in recent years I find it increasingly difficult to get up in the morning. No amount of sleep seems to be the right amount. I'm always tired so I've resorted to energy drinks.

I have trouble with food as well. I avoid eating out in places I haven't been to before since I don't like new foods especially if the content is not listed anywhere. Since my teenage years, I have two meals a day at best. Mostly it's just one.

Conversations with people (unless with friends) are "interesting". My minds floats away from conversations with people most of the time because I find them boring. Most subjects are not interesting to me, since most things I value for their function rather than aesthetics. For example - cars. Males like conversing about cars which I find so boring. "A car is just a means of transportation, isn't it? Is there anything else to discuss about cars?"

I chose programming as my profession because it has structure and I thought that in an environment with similar interests, I'd have fun with people. I was proved so wrong. Even on subjects I like I found that I'm unable to interpret a single sentence presented by another person. My mind just seems to work differently.
My therapist tells me that I'm too focused on what words are being said in a conversation rather then the whole sentence. Most people don't put much thought to what vocabulary they use - this confuses me, since any sentence said can be interpreted in a number of ways.

I like order. Things should have their place. I find it redundant to think a bout "where did I put my phone" or "where did I hide the charger" or whatever since it's much more convenient to place things in their appropriate spot. So, whenever anyone moves something out of place, I become angry (for the lack of knowledge of a better word). Since people are very chaotic, I'm angry most of the time. A walk on the street is difficult because people can't seem to be able to stick to one side of the sidewalk for one direction. While I'm on the street, I feel like I have to be aware of all my surroundings, otherwise I might get in an accident. Watching people cross the road on the red light makes me angry. Seeing a cyclist cross lanes into the opposite driving lane makes me angry. Why are people so bad at following rules?

Above anything else, I feel like I have no purpose. My only passion was programming and I feel like other people have taken that way from me. All I'd like is a set of instructions on how to live my life.

I hope this helps a bit in understanding of what I am.



League_Girl
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20 Mar 2017, 10:30 am

Lot of it sounds like what you're describing as anxiety. Though I hear anxiety is part of autism though others disagree.


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I have a quilt of labels. I had a language disorder and a speech disorder. Then communication disorder NOS. My other diagnoses have been Language Processing disorder, dyspraxia, SPD, OCD, ADD, Asperger’s, anxiety disorder, adjustment disorder, anorexia nervosa. My mom’s labels of me are: eating disorder, anorexia, social anxiety, PTSD, just being sensitive and having the victim complex when I was a kid. And of course she says I’m normal and says the only thing I had as a child was language. Huh? I must have been a shitty person then and maybe a difficult child I was who had to be labeled because of incompetent school staff and mean kids who didn’t accept differences and because I was trying to be “normal.” :/

My blog: https://mynoneabdlthoughts.wordpress.com/


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20 Mar 2017, 5:51 pm

Everyone wants to be right - that's normal and necessary. I'd only share your particular concern if you'd frequently been coming in with the Universal Explanation, different every week. To me, AS finally made sense of my life, after 15 years of active searching, and it seems like any counsellor with a decent check list should have caught it, but they never did. Having AS causes odd reactions in NTs, and those also resonate, throwing up other symptoms that may be seized upon for a diagnosis. NTs also have a very hard time imagining AS, so there's no resonance there, compared to psychological troubles that are an exaggeration of normal moods.