I have known the following for years, but only very recently have been able to satisfactorily articulate it:
Let me tell you about a pattern I've noticed when i get jobs. I do well for a while, then self-sabotage. The reason I do it is that I have beat down through life by my own family, who told me i didn't have sense enough to hold down a job, and didn't get help for me saying it wouldn't help. In a fifth grade psychological evaluation, the consulting psychologist said further planning was needed for my education and for the best employment situation in which i may have a future. None of this was followed up. Why? Teachers and professors at Shorter College and at Coosa Valley Tech said that i was unemployable, would never hold down a job, and said that i was wasting time and money attending school. I believe these things, and I have internalized them and that is why i do what i do. I feel i am not worthy of success or to enjoy life. Therapy through the years has failed to change these thought patterns and I have just given up hope that things will ever be better. On top of everything else, Steve has COPD and has lost about 25% of his breathing capacity. To make matters worse, he had a collapsed lung several years ago and he is a chain smoker. When i lose my brother, i am out of here too.
There. I have told you what is really going on with me. Things started downhill when i was kicked out of my elementary school for my Asperger symptoms in the fifth grade. I hated that other school and would try to harm myself so that i could be put in a hospital instead of going to that school. My grades plummeted, and i would cry every day having to go. That one event, along with having a miserable work experience, is the reason why i am severely psychologically damaged now. Even my Job Coach doesn't know what to do since i lost my last job. He wanted to get me a job at a call center--he is setting me up for failure because he is stilled pissed at me for losing that last job. I sent him a very polite email saying that the call center was not a good fit because of the high pressure, high stress, high turnover, and the fact that i have extremely poor interpersonal skills, which is the reason why l have lost every job i have had since 1991.
I hope these insights are helpful in determining the best way to help me--that is, if I can be helped.
22 Mar 2017, 7:04 pm
