Can't say no

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My ex boyfriend proposed me to go on holiday with him. I don't really want to see him for more than 5 minutes, i'm not interested in starting again the relationship, and I certainly do not want to spend my holiday with him.

But I felt obliged because he wants it. So I have said yes. Now I feel trapped, and obliged to go.

I don't know what I can do to stop doing people want just because they want it. I also feel so stupid. Why do I always feel obliged? How can I stop this?

Why are you even agreeing with him if you don't want to see him for more than 5 minutes? That's essentially saying you do not like him. Also he's your ex, the relationship ended for a reason, you should probs stop talking to him altogether.

If you don't want to do something just say you don't feel like it, it's as simple as that. I think people like to over complicate things in their heads. You don't have to do what other people want, you're not their puppet, you are your own person. Don't let people guilt trip you into things you don't want. Be fair but don't let someone constantly make decisions for you because that's unhealthy and will lead to further problems.

You're not obligated to go on holiday with someone you don't like, that's completely silly. Just say you changed your mind and don't actually want to go and apologise for saying yes. "Sorry, I don't feel like going now I have other things I'd like to do. Maybe you can find someone else to go with you."

Don't let your ex of all people have any control in your life. I think you must have some kind of a weakness where you don't like letting people down ever but that's not a good thing to have and if people notice they can exploit things out of you, if you don't want to do something just say no and don't start making yourself feel bad for it if you really don't want to do something cause there's no reason to be.

It's okay to be a b***h in the right circumstances. I do it myself. A lot.

Thanks a lot. It is very kind, understanding and helpful.

The thing is when a guy proposes me to have a drink, I understand "drink a coffee". So I say ok if i'm thirsty.
And then I realize that "i'm expected" to talk with this person and maybe it means more. This is obvious for a NT, not for me, not immediately.

When someone asks me "to go on holiday together" , I understand "we go on holiday at the same place and at the same moment". So, I say ok if we are available the same time and want to go to the same place.
And then I realize that we have to share our lives, activities and most probably, i'm "expected to" sleep with him and so on for some days or a week. This is also obvious for a NT, not for me, not immediately.

That is understanding things really "literally" and its consequences.

And once I have said "yes", I want to be reliable and trustworthy. I can't also explain to someone : "I agreed to go on holiday with you but I thought we would only go to the same place at the same moment". Then I feel morally obliged... as I said yes.

Often at work also, people present things like "would you help me?". I say ok because I am "willing to help this person", I do not necessary have time to take in charge new regular responsibilities. At one point, I have ended up working 12hours a day and more... while co-workers were working 8 or 9. But this, with years and experience, I could manage better. So I can do it

So, tomorrow I tell him that I am sorry for saying yes but I don't really feel like spending my holidays with him. It will be hard, but I will do it. It's better than wasting my precious days holidays, which I well deserve. I'm afraid he asks for explanations, but I guess I have no explanation to give for what I want to do during my holidays.

I can relate to not being able to say no. Just earlier today when I was eating lunch, someone asked me for a cracker. I said "no" and then she said "just one" and again, I said "no". Then I explained to her that if I gave one to her, then everyone else is going to want one, too, and then I'm going to run out. She said "So just tell them no" and for the last time I said "no". As she walked away, I heard her say "You meanie". I felt bad after hearing that, so I finally decided to give her not one, not two, but three crackers. So even though I originally said "no", I gave her what she wanted anyway. I didn't want her to be mad at me and it turned out okay. I'm a real people pleaser, have been all my life. So I just need to keep in mind that it's okay to say "no" and mean it.

I also like to please people. I like to create smiles.

But those who are asking, those who make you feel bad if you don't please them, they don't smile when you give them. They just ask more, and more.

So maybe, give to those who you like, those who you don't see a lot because they don't "ask"?

Sounds like your ex is being kind of pushy here...I mean he is your ex, you have no obligations to spend any time even 5 minutes with him really. I'd say go ahead and tell him you aren't going to go..whether you want to say you changed your mind or whatever just make it clear. But if he keeps pestering you then in that case I don't think it would be rude to just stop talking to him at all...but if he can respect your choice not to go then you probably wouldn't have to resort to that.

I dated this one guy for a bit bit, we never got to the stage of having sex and he actually ghosted me seemingly out of the blue..I didn't hear from him so I tried messeging him on facebook and texting to see what was up and if he wanted to get together and didn't hear anything for months. So yeah I got disappointed and moved on, and met someone else who I am still with. Anyways a few months back he messages me for the first time in ages, started out friendly enough but then it started getting akward when he inquired about my feelings towards my current boyfriend and went on to say something about how he's just not the type of guy girls like...and so yeah that is where I decided it was in my best interest to end our communication right there. I did like that guy when I was dating him...he ghosted me and then he messeges me trying to get me to feel sorry for him and being jealous when I've found a boyfriend? Maybe he shouldn't ghost girls that like him and they'd like him...

Anyways point is sometimes its best just not to stay in contact with exes..I probably should have just ignored his initial message after so long, but sort of like you I wanted to be nice and polite not a b*ch but I really didn't even want to talk to him again to begin with.

It seems like you need to reprogram your brain a bit then, start trying to remember that when people, especially males if you're straight = they want an alcoholic drink + chat with you, not an actual drink. They just say drink because it's more casual sounding than what it actually is to seem less creepy I guess. It's better to assume the other thing than the thing you can easily take literally, because a lot of things aren't literal and this is a huge mistake a lot of aspies make with conversation skills but it's fine, it's just a case of remembering others aren't very literal all the time.



See, this will bring you a ton of problems so you need to like really try to remember that the things you can easily mistake for literal things are not going to be literal things. And hun, you don't have to sleep with someone if you don't want to. Like, if you mean sleep with as in sex, no way do you have to do that. But if you're meaning literally, which you likely are then you don't have to do that either. Do what you want to do and not what everyone else wants you to do or you're going to get depressed.



But you're not morally obligated to do anything, this is just your mind making you feel guilty cause you agreed to x but it was y. It's a mistake, and it's not you who should be feeling guilty it's them because you didn't understand the full picture as they did. Don't let your mind give into a victim mentality because that will only bring you problems, you don't have to feel guilty or bad, it's just a mistake which you definitely don't need to pay for, if anything it's their fault because they invited you to something and you didn't get it so why should you have to pay for it? They should be.

Like Sweetleaf says though, you're probably better off just ditching that ex, there's not much point in keeping them around honestly.

Also are you aware that people can sometimes notice you take things literally all the time/have problems understanding but will take advantage of this anyway and get you into things you don't want to do for their ulterior motives? You have to be careful and ask questions before acting.

Just explain that you didn't understand you expected so and so of me so you don't have to do whatever they expect because you didn't expect that outcome. It goes both ways or it doesn't go at all, you should stick to that moral instead. Now, what I said seems a bit selfish but honestly, if you're not selfish to some extent in this world you won't enjoy yourself, and it's fine to be selfish because being giving all the time is mentally draining and people start extorting things out of you because they see you as a door mat and that's not a good way to live life. You want to show people that if you say no you put your damn foot down and you mean no is NO. Don't let people take you for a joke.

This is what I do and people don't beg or plead when I say no anymore because they know I mean what I say when I decide on something. I have ended up smacking someone for begging me before though so I guess that helped lol!

I hope that made sense haha.



When they ask can you help, just say in direct response "it depends on what". Weigh up the pros and cons, if there's more cons to helping someone then say no. It's within your right and you aren't morally obligated to be super nice and help everyone all the time, that is super draining and not fair, you're allowed to be a bit selfish sometimes. Of course, if you don't want to do something you can make up excuses like I can't cause I'm babysitting so and so's kids to not come off as too harsh.



If he asks for explanations just say that it's your business with what you're doing over the holidays and not his and that while you enjoy his company sometimes as a friend you just don't really want to be going on holiday with your ex. It may be hard but honestly, just tell him how it is and he'll back off. If it goes bad and he starts an argument out of it or whatever, then he's likely wanting to control you which is REALLY BAD. Massive red flags. You never let anyone outside of a work boss control you. You don't have to stay in contact with that person if they aren't doing you any good. Pros and cons, always use that for these scenarios.



So essentially you just let some random girl guilt trip you into taking one of your crackers that you don't even know? Like I said above you need to put your foot down and when you mean no, you damn well mean no lol.
I know you feel bad about it and like you feel really mean, but it's okay to be a bit mean now and then. I mean, if you've nothing to gain from being super nice all the time, even when you really don't want to then what's the point? People will sooner or later start using and abusing your kindness, don't make yourself into a target. Save that kindness for someone more deserving of it, not random people you don't know.



I know it must be nice to please others and get satisfaction off doing a good deed but like, you can do that in plenty of other places where it's WAY more appreciated to people who actually deserve your kindness. Pleasing people who are a***holes and ungrateful gets you no where but mentally drained/depressed.



Don't give to the ones who are like that, that is called using you for your kindness. Like, that is manipulation. Google manipulative behaviours so you can understand it more to avoid it. Watch some videos on it.

Your kindness can be given to people who actually deserve it, not to people who are just greedy and want you to do stuff because they see you as an easy target to manipulate things to do for them. Like, definitely say no to those people from now on and don't feel bad for it because they're doing something REALLY bad to you by using you.

I hope that made sense and you find some help and encouragement in it. Good luck.

Thanks a lot (both). It is very wise. I will work on it, there is a lot to do It is so much eye-opening and true, I have kept a copy of this for future regular re-read.

*reads thread title*

*misreads first line as "So, my ex-boyfriend proposed to me..."

well, s**t...

I did it

Feel so relieved

It's My life

I think I do a bit, but I tend to be able to say no. It's not an overly huge problem for me but can at times get us into an uncomfortable situation. I think it's also easier in different circumstances; it's a lot harder to say no if when you feel you'll be letting someone down in a big way.

Wow! Good work!

Feels good to set appropriate boundaries.