overly friendly cashier

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What's a tactful way to rebuff an overly friendly cashier's attempts at conversation in the grocery store? This particular store doesn't have self-checkout terminals.

"What I've been doing today", or my "plans for the weekend" are absolutely none of her business, no matter how well-intentioned. And she doesn't seem to get the hint from my monosyllabic replies and lack of eye contact that I don't want to play this game.

I spend a while living abroad in a country I don't speak the language so it was great because nobody tried to chat, when I came back to my country (Brazil) was so weird at the first months... everyone is so overly friend and sometimes cashiers are going you to call princess, sweetheart or stuff like that. It's very uncomfortable, I don't want to be rude to people who are working but I also don't deal well with this, often I just put earphones and pretend I'm not listening to them so people most of time don't talk.

Those cashiers drive me crazy. I just tell them the truth. "I'm going to parade the streets wearing my German helmet. That usually shuts those types up. I also notice that those types use the "pat the kid on the head" pitched voice.

I am awful when it comes to cashiers, I am very polite and tell most to have a nice day and apologize if I have a bunch of change for them. If they try to talk to me beyond the exchange of coins and objects to be dragged through the scanner I get flustered, I am always hyper-conscious of the baying mob (queue) behind me too. It's like taxi drivers, what are you supposed to ask, asking 'have you been busy today' is probably the most insulting thing you can ask, maybe I'll ask the next cashier 'take much cash in today' to take my mind off it and be less polite for a change.

I can't cope with overly-chatty cashiers as I can only do one thing at a time. If I'm bagging I need to stop to answer their questions and I hate that. It's even worse if they talk when I'm about to enter my PIN when paying, as up to this stage I've been repeating it in my head and can easily forget it if distracted!

I've found that supermarket cashiers come in 4 age-related categories. In order, from best to worst:

1) Older men: Very grumpy, don't talk much, slow. Probably the best type of cashier. There's one at my local supermarket and he's lovely and cynical. He looks at each of your purchases and makes some sort of grumpy comment like "my wife doesn't let me eat butter anymore". He's hilarious and lovely!

2) Younger women: Pleasant, polite without being over chatty. The second best type of cashier. The opposite of what you think they're going to be, they're pleasant but don't drive you insane with hairdresser-style inanities.

3) Older women: Grumpy, take it as an insult if you don't want bags, do not wait for you to finish putting your goods on the conveyor before starting to scan them through. They also try and put through your goods like it's some sort of race. This is something I hate as I have to put things in the bags in a certain order. The solution is to go as slow as possible; the faster they go, the slower I go. I avoid them if at all possible.

4) Young men: Definitely, the worst category. Overly chatty, want to be your best friend, they use slang all the time. I've lost track of the times a young male cashier has called me "mate". I am not your mate! The worst one at my supermarket asked me "Are you looking forward to the damage?". I paused, ran the sentence through my brain several times as I'm usually a little slow with colloquialisms and had no idea what he was talking about. I looked at him quizzically and he said "The damage? The damage?" (as if saying it several times will help!) and then "Are you looking forward to the bill?". What a stupid, bloody question! What the hell do you say to something like that? I just responded with an angry "What!". He then shut up. The other day, I was at the checkout next to his and heard him exactly the same to a couple who looked to be in their 70s!

So, older men and younger women are the best. Older women and younger men are the worst. Your age-related checkout problems may vary

I had an idea, because everyone wants to be all chatty all the time and make us uncomfortable why not reverse it and make them uncomfortable. If someone asks you question you don't want to answer just stare and keep staring, I don't like looking in peoples eyes so I usually just defocus my eyes. This makes most people seriously uncomfortable, probably not a very polite reaction or within the social norm but I am not quite sure why we have to play along with their small talk when we just want to go home. Anyways just how I feel.

Never mind tactful, it's your duty to confuse the enemy, the word "pardon?" is your friend.
What have you been doing today?
Pardon?
What have you been doing today?
Yes I'm going away to Cromer.
Any plans for the weekend?
Pardon?
Any plans for the weekend?
No all my plants have strong ends.

Downside is them yelling when it's time to put your card or PIN in the machine.

If it's somewhere you go regularly, then answering in way too much detail and holding up the queue tends to reduce repeat offenses.

Then there's always wearing headphones, bouncing up and down to the "music", and speaking too loud "over the music".

Most of the time I just grunt if it's "social noise", and actually answer only relevant questions like "Do you have a loyalty card?" Or "Do you want cash-back?" - looking like you're in a rush helps too, regardless if you actually have all day. Unless I'm feeling then it's one of the earlier tactics.

It would be far more intelligent to reply with a smile, 'oh nothing much, a bit of this and a bit of that, how about you?' than to be abrupt. You're only going to have to deal with a slightly ruder, more difficult shop assistant next time you come in. All of that could be avoided by maintaining this meager level of small talk!

Sometimes we make the small talk in order to avoid more resistance in other ways. At least I do anyway.