We're in this together - sharing wisdom and insights

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I originally posted in the general autism section, i didn't realize there was a specific parent's section. I've already been busy reading and learning from the existing discussions. But I wanted to re-ask this question, I want to help future parents of autistic children, and I would like your help making sure that I'm providing something of value.

One of the most stressful parts of my life was finding out about my son's autism diagnosis and then trying to find services.
I received a lot of help from friends and experts, and now I want to put together a website that helps guide other parents through the process of understanding and finding support.

I would love any wisdom that you could provide me, that would help a future parent start the journey of understanding autism and the services around it.
What do you wish you knew?
What would have saved you time or stress?
What mistakes did you make?
What resources were invaluable?
What resource do you wish was available?
What gave you the most trouble?

My vision:
While there are a ton of amazing websites out there, its still hard for a parent to figure out where to start and what resources are available to them.
I want to help them learn to ask the right questions and have the background to make better decisions
It needs to be easier for parents to find local doctors that can diagnose Autism, and find local therapists that can address problem areas, I want to at least make it easier to find and get support.

Thank you for your time

1) What I wish I knew: What I was doing instinctually was actually the best thing (Doing stuff that my son wanted to do, and following his interests in order to teach him)and pediatrician's offices by-in-large are not experts.

2)\It would have saved me time and stress if experts didn't act like I should be devastated at the prospect of autism and that if I could mask the autism by training rote pretend play (which my son had no need for at the time) to avoid a diagnosis, everything would be better. I was literally told to constantly model pretend play until he did it, to avoid a diagnosis.

My son looked at me like I was an idiot whenever I tried it, so I dropped it with only occasional check-in attempts to see if he was open to it, and I am glad I did. I spent way too much time and effort and worry on that. He eventually did it on his own, on his own time table, and does it all the time now and has for years.

The idea that you can and must rush things that develop on their own timetable was asinine. There is no window of opportunity you will be missing when the child has no interest. The window is available when the child is ready, or at least that has been my experience. I don't think you can ram an NT developmental timetable down an autistic kid's throat and expect it to do anything other than frustrate everyone involved.

3)Most of my mistakes were not trusting my own judgment enough. Aside from that was the initial denial period, because most of what my son did made total sense to me. I don't know if that would have mattered or not because most of our local resources are frankly terrible, and it may have hurt more than it helped if we had earlier intervention before I was able to trust my own judgment.

4)Valuable resources: Mainly this site and Tony Atwood; some of the later Simon Baron-Cohen writings (after he understood autistic empathy better), social stories (Carol grey etc.) , some of the social thinking, social detective materials and that is all I can think of off the top of my head. There are some other autism-friendly blogs and random things, but I don't have the links accessible right now.

5)What resource do I wish was available? i don't even know how to begin to answer that one. I wish there was a school where my son could have gotten the supports he needed plus rigorous academics; and that if it existed, not having to sue or something to get access to it, which is probably what I would have had to do. As it is, what is locally available was not worth the hassle of suing for.

6)The most trouble? The school system--which is why I home school.

Not enough time is spent allowing kids to develop their special interests. A lot of recently diagnosed kids spend so much time trying to be "normal" that they don't have the confidence knowing that they are good at something, like older Aspies that had time to figure stuff out on their own.

Many older Aspies wish they had more social training, but not as much as many kids are getting these days.

I like that BTDT I agree!

Beware of medical experts who want you to take full advantage of every resource that is available.

Remember that while a little is good, a lot isn't always better. Aspies typically don't like change, so doing things in moderation makes more sense than signing up for a lot of things all at once.

One wonders if pushing kids too hard into meltdown is intentional. By making the disorder worse than it actually is one can argue for more money.

when i did it my way
i don't know if anyone is autistic but there's much BAP in the lineage

i thought about all things,
i was appalled by the parenting plasticdumping on children,
who would put all the loud colors and disturbacies in the basic surroundings
i sought, from the start, to make a calm, visual and otherwise, environment
(and safe, there was little don'ts)
i told what was going to happen, and i did as was said, or if nessecairy said what changed,
treated the children like their own persons,
and the old rules, calmness, cleanness and regularity go along way ! !

What resources were invaluable?
I would have to say Cognitive therapy and speech therapy when he was younger.

tell lots of stories
forget 'normal'

I think simply ACCEPTANCE!

From my experience it can be the parents of those on the spectrum hardest to get through to.. They create an ideology of what THEY want for there child endlessly looking for answers to why? What did i do? Cures, vaccines etc etc... It can be very difficult talking to a parent of someone on the spectrum with this type of mindset... Many of those aspies/auties that do succeed in life are more often than not ACCEPTED by their parents. By accepting you are then putting positive energy in looking for the subtleties that benefit the child rather than endlessly looking for nonsensical answers which in turn likely causes more meltdowns, sensory overloads for the child as they are absorbing all this negative energy...

Again could say a lot more but in essence that i think is the secret..
The answer is soo simple that it isn't often accepted because the family member strives to look for an alternative difficult answer that does not exist.
Acceptance is the key!