Dealing with a Pre Teen

Post Reply New Topic

I'm new here and, was hoping to get some guidance.

My daughter is 11 and, was recently diagnosed on the spectrum. She is extremely high functioning so it was a tough diagnosis to get to.

Prior to the diagnoses, she had been identified by the school with Behavioural Issues due to her shutting down, lashing out and, being aggressive.

Now, with the diagnosis in hand, I feel like I really need to change how I deal with her and, am finding it SUPER difficult. I am a pretty demanding parent, I set the bar high for my children and, expect a lot from them. I don’t want to lower the bar but, at the same time, I also don’t want to get into the constant power struggle with my daughter. The biggest issue right now is she wants everything her way and, if it isn’t, she becomes a bear to deal with screaming, crying, swearing and full on defiance. How do I parent that without letting the importance of teaching respect, ownership of your action (eg. apologizing when you are in the wrong), and rules of the house go. For example today, she was having an issue getting her helmet on to scooter to school. We were already running behind so she decided to not wear the helmet and threw it at the stairs and went to storm out of the house. I asked her to put the helmet away and apologize to her father (as she almost took him out on the stairs) before she left for school. She begrudgingly and with stomping attitude put the helmet away and stormed out of the house (without the apology). I asked her to please come back in and, cut the attitude and, she full on refused. I should have dropped it at this point and dealt with her later but, man, she made me angry!! So, we fought and fought and fought and resolved absolutely nothing.

I KNOW that I could have handled things so much better and, I own that but, man, I just am having such a hard time letting some things slide and, figuring out how to best handle the things I am not willing to slide.

I am going to recommend Dr. Ross Green http://www.livesinthebalance.org/ for you to check out. His Collaborative problem Solving System might be something for you to look into. It involves getting the child involved in the decision process so you get buy in and for some children this can reduce aggression. Often the aggression results from a feeling of having no power and control with some on the spectrum have a lot of trouble dealing with because of rigidity and underlying anxiety.

When done properly, you should not feel so much like you are caving, but more like you are problem solving with your child.

We have had to adapt it for our own use due to communication issues, but as our son grows and matures, it gets easier and also when we slip up and parent in a more typical authoritarian manner, we get away with it more than we used to without having a blow up.

In addition, you might want to try to discover if your daughter is having a lot of stress in school, or other environments. We found that this behavior decreases when we increased the scaffolding to what he needs. Stress is a major contributor to aggression and if you over-scaffold, you can always relax it later or as your child matures.

I like that "When done properly, you should not feel so much like you are caving, but more like you are problem solving with your child."

I'd like to second the collaborative problem solving suggestion. Great program!

I think you need a contingency plan in your household for time crunch issues. For example, I've seen parents create a "parking garage" where they put issues that need to be dealt with later. It's often a metaphorical garage, but with a pre-teen, you could draw a physical garage on a white board. That way, when she does something like this, you simply write "Make an apology to your father." In the parking garage. You do that SILENTLY, and then you let it go. Then you have a conversation with her later, when you aren't both about to have a meltdown. When the problem is solved, the parking garage is emptied. Words are hard for autistic people. Waiting until we are calm is a better way to get us to come up with words and it will also make the apology a learning opportunity. The way you are doing it, the apology is forced. She doesn't mean it and it's more of an exercise in humilation as punishment. It doesn't sound like that's really what you want for her.*

(*Yes, I'm making assumptions there. My apologies if I'm wrong. But that's the dynamic that I've observed in myself when I get this way with kids. Sometimes, I hate to admit this, but I stop thinking about teaching them and I just want to win. These are the times when it's really important for me to check myself before going further with the child.)

You do get that the apple rarely falls far from the tree and you have your own emotional intensity issues, right? As you learn how to deal with your own strong emotions, she is going to be watching every step you take. She will learn from this, but it will take years for it to show up. Basically, she'll internalize what she sees from you, and start to put it into action when the executive functioning aspect of her cognition allows for it - which might not come until ages 24-26 in aspies.