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Accused of emotional abuse of my autistic child

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Accused1
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29 Mar 2017, 1:07 pm

Help ! !! !

I am an aspie, and my 6 year old is autistic (both diagnosed), plus I have a 5 yr old NT child. My hubby is likely aspie himself.

I called in Social services to help to explain to the school what was happening with my child and to try to get his SEN recognised. School say he is good, he is kicking off when he gets home.

Upshot - Going to be child protection for my autistic son but not my nt daughter, because it must be our home situation and that we are emotionally abusing him.

Basically when asked what the issues were, I explained, I wasn't asked what happens afterwards, how often, triggers etc. I just answered the questions open & honest and to the point (without niceties or waffle - which I've now been told was expected). So I am seen as a negative influence on him and he only says he doesn't like school as the work is too hard because of me sending out negative vibes. Oh and because the husand takes him to school most of the time (I do a lot of voluntary work at an autistic charity) so that is also sending negative vibes about the school.

I do not cope well in meetings with a number of people around, paperwork given to me to read immediately and instant answers expected. As well as being aspie, I am dyspraxic, dyslexic and anxious.

Now we're in the s*** I think the school are also questioning his autism diagnosis (a private one AND an NHS one)

Any suggestions? we are terrified and to be honest feel victimised 8O



FeardyBase
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29 Mar 2017, 4:06 pm

I don't know if this will be helpful or otherwise, but I know when I was assessed by the NHS they provided some contacts that could be called upon to help dealing with employers or other bureaucracy, I would suggest contacting them, and asking for help *for yourself* in dealing with it all.. including in dealing with social services, who are ONLY interested in your child's needs, and probably making no allowance for your difficulties, and misreading your responses, with a professional on board SS will listen to *them* where they might dismiss things you say directly.



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29 Mar 2017, 4:24 pm

I can't say know much at all with dealing with this kind of thing but does sound like legal things me and others I know have had to deal with. Is it possible you could get some sort of representative to help you sort some of this out? Or if any decisions you disagree with in regards to your son have been made can you possibly get a case review or appeal, something like that where someone would have to look over everything again.


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beady
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29 Mar 2017, 5:07 pm

I have no experience with this sort of situation but my heart does go out to you. I hope someone is able to defend you like Sweetleaf suggested.

I don't know if you will find this link useful but they may know where to direct you.

http://www.legal-aid.org/en/ineedhelp/i ... ocacy.aspx



Benjamin the Donkey
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29 Mar 2017, 6:21 pm

Accused1 wrote:
So I am seen as a negative influence on him and he only says he doesn't like school as the work is too hard because of me sending out negative vibes. Oh and because the husand takes him to school most of the time (I do a lot of voluntary work at an autistic charity) so that is also sending negative vibes about the school.


1. School is often hard for AS kids without looking for any other reasons.
2. Not taking the kid to school=negative vibes? Why not view it as your husband sending positive vibes by taking him? By their logic, my wife is a terrible mother because she travels for work and is away 75% of the time.

I don't know all your details, but their reasoning seems simply stupid on these two points.


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zzzsmokeyzzz
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30 Mar 2017, 12:18 pm

I would say seek legal consultation.


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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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10 Apr 2017, 7:29 pm

Accused1 wrote:
. . . because it must be our home situation . . .

This is the old Freudian idea which I hoped so-called "professionals" would have stopped believing decades ago, but apparently not. Most actual professions now realize most autism is almost certainly genetic. And yes, it's quite possible and in fact happens all the time that one sibling is on the spectrum and another isn't.

I very much agree with the above people who suggest having some kind of advocate or representative on your behalf. And you certainly have a right to take your time and read paperwork on your own before being expected to respond to it.



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10 Apr 2017, 7:45 pm

Quote:

Genius Or Fraud? Bettelheim's Biographers Can't Seem To Decide

Chicago Tribune, Ron Grossman, Jan. 23, 1997

http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1997 ... m-pollak/2

' . . . It turned out that Dr. B wasn't a medical doctor nor even did he have a degree in a psychology. As a young man, he had operated his family's lumber yard, even though he detested a businessman's life. Belatedly, he had earned a doctorate in art history, the subject he taught at Rockford College.

'But when the directorship of the Orthogenic School became available, he evidently gambled that because of the war no one would be able to check on his credentials. So he intimated to U. of C. officials that he had been cross-trained in psychology. Yet when his transcript was posthumously examined, it showed he had taken but three introductory courses in the field. . . '


Here in the States, the main proponent of the idea that mothers cause autism was Bruno Bettelheim. And it's worth reminding ourselves from time to time that the guy was a straight-up-and-down con artist and fraud. I mean, he was like the character in the Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks movie "Catch Me If You Can." The only difference being that Bettelheim got away with it longer!

Now, Leo Kanner actually had credentials. He just happened to be mistaken about autism. And I think in the late 1960s he made a public statement and said he was letting parents off the hook.

And more broadly, the whole Freudian approach basically says that a "deeper," more complicated explanation is more likely to be correct than a simpler explanation, for example, that a kid on the spectrum is just wired up differently. Obviously, I don't agree with the Freudian approach!



Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 10 Apr 2017, 7:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.

kitesandtrainsandcats
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10 Apr 2017, 7:48 pm

Accused1 wrote:
School say he is good, he is kicking off when he gets home.

Perhaps these accounts will be of help?
Even maybe print them to take and show?

When I Realized Why My Son Melts Down at Home but Not at School
https://themighty.com/2015/10/delayed-e ... at-school/
Quote:
Tonight my son walked through the door from school, and immediately I knew. He didn’t have to say or do anything. I just knew.

Call it mother’s intuition, or call it years and years of practice, but I knew something was wrong. It was the delayed effect. My son has had a tricky day at school. He has held it together for nearly seven hours. Then he walks through the front door, and bam!

He’s somewhere safe and familiar, and he can’t contain the pressure anymore.


What Happens When My Autistic Child Acts Differently at Home Than at School
https://themighty.com/2016/09/my-autist ... at-school/
Quote:
My son is going through a difficult time. This morning my husband carried him to his taxi, kicking and screaming. He was stressed, and I was anxious and worried.

I haven’t called the school and asked if he is OK because I know what they will say: “He is not like that in school.”

Reports from school don’t marry with the child at home at all. In school he conforms, is settled and appears happy. At home he can be violent, unpredictable and highly distressed. The great divide between home and school is a challenge.

When the common denominator for the challenging behavior and meltdowns is home, it is all too easy for professionals and schools to jump to the conclusion that “bad parenting” is at work. We are accused of lack of discipline, lack of stability, lack of structure, feeding our children the wrong food and even not loving them enough. But just because a child has the ability to “hold it together” in a controlled environment all day and releases the lid on their frustrations, stresses and anxieties at home does not mean home life is awful. In fact the opposite is true. If a child did not feel secure, loved and safe at home, he would likely continue to “hold it together” for fear of releasing his true feelings.

Instead of blaming parents, schools and professionals should be more understanding of the difference between home and school and more willing to listen when a child is behaving differently outside the school gates.

So many parents know their child needs support but continually get denied services due to presentation within a school setting. It is frustrating and damaging for so many children who put on a front within the classroom but who inside are screaming out for help. The system is loaded too much to the side of education. A referral put in from a school may be readily accepted, yet a parent’s request for the same service is often refused. There is still the assumption that if a child truly had challenges, these would manifest in all settings in the same way.


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Bax
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11 Apr 2017, 1:54 pm

Is this in the UK?



FeardyBase
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12 Apr 2017, 12:16 am

Bax wrote:
Is this in the UK?

The fact that there's an NHS diagnosis mentioned, and the terms used re. the school (I've worked in a UK school) make me 100% confident it is.



Bax
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12 Apr 2017, 8:40 am

FeardyBase wrote:
Bax wrote:
Is this in the UK?

The fact that there's an NHS diagnosis mentioned, and the terms used re. the school (I've worked in a UK school) make me 100% confident it is.


I thought as much, thank you for confirming. Truly awful gov't overreach.