My sons bio mom just doesn't get it

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zzzsmokeyzzz
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30 Mar 2017, 12:14 pm

I get so frustrated when dealing with my sons biological mom. She refuses to have structure in her house and makes my son do nothing to help out. She lets him play video games and watch tv 24/7. He goes there and stays up till 3am so there is no set bedtime. When my son (13) is at home with me we are very structured with routines and he thrives from that. When he gets back from a visit with mom it's like he reverts back to old habits. Anyone else deal with this? :x



Tawaki
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31 Mar 2017, 8:02 am

Well...

She's not stupid. Mom doesn't want the meltdowns and fights due to transitioning from one thing to another.

Path of least resistance.

If it is just her and your son, depending how big he is and belligerent he gets when challenged, it is easier to let a 13 year old game all night than deal with the drama.

Mom may know, but figures, "Meh, why bother?"

One person I knew had to go back to court to rework visitation, and got supervised visits, only to have that other parent stop coming around at all.

If your ex is truly clueless, that's one thing.

If she flat out knows and doesn't care, you should run this past your lawyer for options.

Also be ready for the "everyone parents differently" argument. My friend is a clean food, no excessive electronics, etc etc. Her ex let's the kids eat fast food, candy, and almost all the stuff the kids can't do at her place. Friend of the Court said there was nothing harmful or dangerous with what the dad was doing. Parents dont have to parent the same way.

Maybe a court ordered home study may change things with her if you play hard ball.



burnt_orange
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01 Apr 2017, 9:44 pm

I don't suggest going back to court. Gawd, court is awful. You pretty much have to accept that you can't change your ex. She may even be doing some of this to get a reaction from you. Ignore her completely. Control what you can. Make re-entry into the home the same every time, assert yourself every time. If your kid knows your rules hopefully they will eventually stop pushing.

I deal with this too. My ex and my mom even let my kid do anything, eat junk. I've yelled at them countless times, but it makes no difference. My kid does need these people in his life. I can't remove them.

I comfort myself with the knowledge that because he spends most of his time with me, he will probably end up doing things my way.

If you do talk to the mom, don't make it confrontational. Talk privately about your kid. Let her speak. Don't get angry. Be rational. Don't blame. Tell her that you've noticed certain things make the kids behavior bad. Let her come to her own conclusions and decide to make the change.



zzzsmokeyzzz
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02 Apr 2017, 4:22 pm

ya I've done the court thing and called Child Protective Services but unless he's being mistreated there is not much I can do. I am cordial with her and I never bring things up in front of my son but no matter how much I ask for just a little help I get none. Frustrating



ASDMommyASDKid
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03 Apr 2017, 8:47 am

Whether you like it or not, you are probably going to have to improve your rapport with her (even if it feels you are doing so unilaterally) and hope you can persuade her. After contentious court hearings and calling CPS on her she is not going to be apt to help you one bit (even if you were in the right to have concerns)

You both may be acting cordially but that is really only a first step. Once the process goes adversarial, based on what limited knowledge I have on human nature, it takes a lot of effort to move to cooperation if that is even possible. It will probably also involve compromise where you agree to loosen somethings up, while she tightens, so that there is a middle ground you can both be somewhat happy with.

In the meantime your most productive efforts are going to be the short term goal of getting him to adjust to having two different sets of rules, and him being able to transition more smoothly. (since the relationship may never improve, and she may never come around to your way of thinking or be willing to compromise) That is probably going to look something like regularly reminding him that his mom and you do things in a different way (without criticizing), emphasizing that there are many places that have different rules, like school vs home and part of life is adjusting to those rules. You might also want to have some kind of pleasant ritual for when he returns to your home -- a special snack, sharing a special interest of his etc. This might help his frame of mind and act as a pleasant marker for the transition, which might make it easier.



zzzsmokeyzzz
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03 Apr 2017, 10:56 am

Thanks everyone for your posts. I actually think my ex could be on the spectrum too. I see a lot of similarities with my son and her. My oldest son has Aspergers and is pretty high functioning but has all those lazy tendances that she does. I know parents do things differently but I see a total lack of care for the fact that our son is autistic and has many signs of fetal alcohol effect. It's an ongoing struggle but on the plus side she is making small changes and I just have to accept things the way they are.