Newer step parent looking for help

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Hi all,

My name is Brett and I'm a 40 year old single dad of an 8 year old daughter. We have opened our home and our hearts to a single mom and her son who is on the spectrum. Of course we have our good days and bad days. I love both of them very much and I'm thankful everyday that they are in my life. I know there are other step parents out there, I have read your postings and find so much value in them. There are lots of times of course that her and I don't see eye to eye about her son and I always admit that I really don't know what i'm doing but i'm learning as I go and try to follow her example.

I of course have a load of questions that i could probably write a book on. But her mom can sometime clue me in and other times she just tells me to ignore it. After finding this site i through i would post them and see about some alternative answers, I know no child, nor any family, will be the same, but maybe I can help us become better.

1. How do you teach your young neurotypical child that the behaviors of the other one are not to be followed?
We through she would be a good influence on him, she has in some ways, but she has picked up many of his not so good traits.

2. What have you learned about being a step parent to a child on the spectrum and yet not get on the other parents bad side? Sometimes I feel that whether I ignore the situation or act on it, no matter what I do i'm the bad guy.

3. How can a house be created with 2 almost different sets of rules for different children with out also creating resentment between the children.

4. I try and let her deal with most of the situations that appear, I let her lead on new items that we try to get him to become better. I want and try to do more, I feel that she should not have the full burden, I'm here for her, to help support her. But again it starts to sound like i'm the mean person that continually harps on him.


I know this all takes time, blending a family is never easy, there are no How To manuals, but i would love to hear of other steps. Especially step fathers in the same boat, most men are raised in a certain fashion and sadly i may have been a great father I sometimes feel that I'm failing as a step-father.

I have other questions, but I will start with these and hopefully learn a lot from all of you.

How old is your step son and what grade level school work is he doing?

Hmm... how come I don't see you mentioning anything positive about your step son? My wife is the only neurotypical person in our home, yet she is the one that always says: "If I had a choice, I would still choose to raise autistic children." And we've told each other countless times: "This is heaven." Truly, at least in our case, life has been fun with our two autistic children. Raising neurotypical children would have been so boring, ha ha. My two children are always happy and smiling. That should give you some perspective: there are happy families out there: they don't struggle, they have fun... and they prefer to raise autistic children.

Here is my son's first-grade music performance from last week. I prepared a video clip (not shown here) to train him. It was very simple: just a regular video, plus a robot and the lyrics. We practiced quite a few times at home. As you can see, the result of live performance was not too bad. He even managed to do the final jumping jack, which he wasn't doing at all until the very last time I practiced with him.



Last week, I borrowed "The Little Prince" book from the library for my daughter to read. My wife also stumbled upon the movie on Netflix. So I watched the movie with my daughter. She stayed all the way till the end of the credits. Then she said: "That was a wonderful movie. I especially liked it when the Little Prince came back to the child form." Hurrily, she added: "I need to draw a picture. A very special picture!" I told her: "I know. We are twins. Take your time." I always tell my daughter that we are like twins. We can tell each other's thoughts easily. And here is the picture she drew. The legend was "Mindy and the Little Prince."



What am I getting at? If you pay attention: myself and my children, we communicate through our hands. Matter of fact, nowadays I tell parents of autistic children that the best way of raising autistic children is to "cut a piece of tape and place it over your mouth." A parent's mouth is the biggest evil in raising an autistic child. You need to use your hands, not your mouth. You need to be creative. You need to draw pictures, make animation video clips, construct things with building blocks with your children, assemble electronic circuits, write down your words instead of just talking to your children. Don't just let things be gone with the wind. If you do nightly picture-aided talking with your children at bedtime, you'll be surprised that you can remove all the resentments from your children. My children are always happy and smiling, for a reason. It's like the baobab trees in The Little Prince's planet. I have been diligent in removing all the bad feelings from my children, as soon as the baobab seeds were sprouting. Other parents never ever do picture-aided talking at bedtime to remove their children's bad feelings. Guess what? When the baobab trees grow too large, the planet would be blown into pieces. And that is precisely what you are dealing with today.

To understand more about the autistic brain and why autism has always been meant by Mother Nature, take a look at these two articles that I have written recently, too.

http://www.eikonabridge.com/AMoRe.pdf
http://www.eikonabridge.com/Tomatoes.pdf

best,

Hey all,

He is 7 and in the first grade, he is also on the honor roll. He is a good kid and we get along great, well until I tell him he can't do something and he says that i need to be killed, but that is something else we are working on. I'm a kid at heart so being silly, making mistakes, etc are fine and make great memories for later on in life.

As you see by the original questions its really not about him but the family dynamic that is in questions for those that are step parents, how they dealt with new sibling reactions, and momma bear.

We took the kids last night to see Boss Baby, it was a good lesson for both children that even though they may not always get along now that if they were to loose each other that it would be much worse.

I'll check out the articles, thank you.

I am not a step parent, but I would imagine a lot of your issues are similar to that of any multiple sibling situation that requires different rules for different kids, whether it be because of age, neurological category or other factor. An 8 year old is typically capable of reason and there are a few books out there that explain autism to NT children. If you had an 18 year old daughter in addition to your 8 yr old, typically they would have different rules and standards.

Typically 8 yr old girls do not look to 7 yr old step sibs as role models, so i assume what you are having issues with is her adopting attitudes/behaviors you don't like and her wanting to "get away" with what he "gets away with"? You just have to explain that he has different neurology and different issues, and that they don't apply to her. Give examples, make it logical, and you should be part of the way there.

As far as "Momma Bear" goes, I am assuming that you mean you want to debate with her how her son is disciplined and you feel she is coddling him. If you are telling her something along the lines of,'I don't know anything about autism, but I am presuming you don't know how to parent autistic kids either, based on his behavior and my general notions of parenthood" that is not going to work well for you. What in effect would be saying is that you are not respecting her 7 years of experience with her son.

Many autistic children do not respond well to typical authoritarian parenting. I don't know if he is or is not in that category or specifically how she parents, but each autistic child needs something different in the way of discipline, and many really only respond to reason and not to punishments. Some will comply anyway and think what they think without saying it, and some are docile and compliant by nature. It depends on the kid.

Even NT kids have trouble adapting to family changes, and blending families is a huge issue even for them. For an autistic child, I would be shocked if there were not a ton of issues. He is in a new home, with people he doesn't really know, and maybe doesn't like, and who he has to get along with for reasons that have nothing to do with his preferences. He is likely resentful of the disruption and it is likely very hard for him in ways you could not begin to understand. Living with other people is not an easy thing for him and now he has two new people to live with, one of whom has authority over him and also probably wants to change how he is being parented.

That is a huge change for an autistic child. Uncertainty in the environment is a major stressor, and it is going to be very hard for him. He is not going to feel grateful that you have "let him into your heart and home." He is going to feel stressed and put upon and until he feels more safe and confident, I would not even consider making things tougher with tougher rules until he has adapted and is ready for scaffolding to be decreased. I don't know how long you have been living in the same home, but this sort of thing is going to slow down his ability to adjust to stricter rules, not increase them via necessity.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Yea its a big change of course for all, he did like the idea of moving in with us, my daughter and I have a large home and he was in an apartment with his mom.

I know it will take time, i try and just let her parent him the most and am slowly finding my place in their lives. Sometimes we are a family eating dinner together and other times he and his mom are at one dinning table and me and my daughter are at another.

Ever since meeting his mom i have done everything i can to understand her son, study his triggers. Whats funny is that learning about him over the last year, I have actually discovered certain "spectrum" type items in my own life and even in my daughter, those that trigger both of us into a tantrum, these mostly include sounds. Bringing it to reality more that Asperger's is not just a mental problem but just a different level of normal life and that we all have our own spectrum.