I'm so lost, at wits end, and just don't know what to do...

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FallenSOLDIER
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15 Apr 2017, 10:35 pm

Where... do I even begin?

It's a pleasure to meet you all, my name is Fallen- and I've found myself in quite the predicament for many many MANY years now that I just don't know how to deal with or tolerate any longer which is why I've /finally/ decided to admit it online somewhere and see if maybe there is some way, someone, somewhere that can help me. You see, I identify as a gay man- however, we have one simple problem: I was 'graced' as many would put it, with a female body...

I've known I was supposed to be a guy since I was a knee-high, in all honesty (even dreamed it, every single dream I have!) and ever since I realized this my life has been one of a literal hell for me. Every day waking up is miserable, and every night when I go to bed there seems to finally be some sweet release for when I dream-I can be who I was meant to be.

Not only does life mock me with my wrong body parts, but it also mocks me in the fact that the chances of a gay guy dating a girl are absolutely non-existent and I just don't know what to do. Not only am I uncomfortable in my own body, but now I won't ever get to have a partner to help me feel better and love me for me, and it's just so depressing all the time to the point where I just am so sick of this and feel like I can't be happy anymore.

Now, I know many would offer for me to have a sex change- MtF is so much easier and perfected compared to FtM. Steroids are so much worse on the body than estrogen, and having a working male organ, or something that is even close? Forget about it! I'm sure I'd be happy if I could just be with someone who understood what I was on the inside and didn't mind treating me as such... actually I'm 95 percent sure I'd be fine with that alone. Me changing my body wouldn't just bring on the misery for myself but my beloved mother as well who I couldn't stand breaking her heart.

I'm just so lost. So utterly, completely, unbelievably lost and alone with my gender identity crisis I've been having since I can remember- which is why I'm seeking advice and praying this is the right place to ask it. I don't even know where or how to begin looking for people similar to me, or better yet, how to even find a gay guy who would accept me for me.

I've heard the stereotypical "you can't love somebody if you can't love yourself"- this is definitely not the answer for, so please don't tell me that either. I believe there are quite a few people who don't fall into that because they've learned to hide that pretty well in their life. Not everything is black and white -as we can see in my situation...

Please, help me. At least if anything to tell me I'm not alone and suffering through all this by myself. I know I'm not the only one around who feels this way, but dang it, there are definitely some days where I sure do feel this way and it's just been so exhausting. One can only curl up underneath the hot water of a shower and cry for so long before they lose the ability to shed tears...



RandomCitizen80
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16 Apr 2017, 1:20 am

I understand completely where you're coming from. I am a queer, non-binary/transmasculine (searching for proper terms makes me squirm) human who was AFAB, but I tended to identify more strongly with traditionally male characteristics when young. Now I feel strangely torn. Being transgender and gay is hard to try and explain to other people. I was conflicted about changing my flesh vessel but I ended up slowly going through a medical transition--partially kickstarted by endometriosis. I had a necessary surgery done and needed to be on HRT indefinitely afterwards or go through menopause at age 20. I decided to start testosterone and I'm pleased with the results thus far ( I'm almost two years in of on and off HRT). Medical transition is scary and everyone has their own list of pros and cons. Personally, I always knew I wanted top surgery even at a very young age. Everything else just happened and here I am. I had top surgery in 2016 and this isn't where I expected to be and it was a confusing process, but I'm content.

I'm also married. I met my partner prior to all this when I was identifying as male but still in female form. He's gay and cisgender but we worked out surprisingly well. It's been over three years and we're still pleased with the arrangement.

I would say that there's no need to shower cry, but I've been there before. It can be kind of therapeutic, and it's better than keeping things pent up. Have you discussed your feelings with anyone you know in the tangible world?



lidsmichelle
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18 Apr 2017, 4:46 pm

I can't speak for men, but I'm a lesbian who is dating a non passing trans woman. She has a muscle degenerative disease that would make it impossible for hormones to make much of a difference. I love her immensely, don't see her appearance as an issue or her genitals. I know it might be hard, but I'm sure there's someone out there who will appreciate you regardless of your genitals or presentation.


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21 Apr 2017, 6:14 am

A lot of people have been there man. I remember one interesting youtube video by a guy about dating as a pre-op gay transman - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbKSmt7tw2I
It's focused on sex but still. Have you really looked into this? It may not be as impossible as it seems, especially with a man who is pansexual / bisexual, queer, or accepting of a trans man's identity enough to overlook his body. Maybe you need to get yourself out there in queer circles and see what queer men will make of you. I know that's damn hard when you're dysphoric though.
Yes some aspects of MtF transition are easier / better than FtM (though I wouldn't wish facial feminization surgery on anyone) but the latter has come a fair way in recent years, and will continue as trans men gain more visibility. The cause isn't hopeless - there are options for all kinds of transmasculine folks.
And your mother? Are you sure you being who you are on the outside would upset her? I know of people who have been sure their parents would be transphobic, but once the parents realized that it was THEIR kid who was trans, suddenly they changed their perspectives. Maybe it would be possible to discuss this with her? Could she learn to deal with it if she knew it was making you happy?
Would she be offended if you just started presenting more masculine? That may make you more comfortable without upsetting her, and allow you to interact as male elsewhere while being able to present as female around your mother.
I don't intend to write a list of "fix-its" but I generally find that kind of information most helpful. I have more trans fix-its if you're interested or want to chat - feel free to PM me might be better.


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NAS
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21 Apr 2017, 11:03 am

I'm a gay trans man (pre-transition, due to mental health/financial constraints, but hopefully getting back on the horse later this year) who is dating a cis man. We are very happy together, and he is very understanding of my dysphoria. I would say that in order to date a cis guy (or another trans guy, because everyone is different!) you need to be very open with each other.

It can be hard, because it can hurt to talk about your dysphoria and possibly your genitals. It can feel lonely. It can feel like you will never be loved or that you are a freak. But I promise that dysphoria can be dealt with. The first step could be to connect with other trans people offline, or maybe to speak to your doctor. Could you buy a binder and packer? Those help me, and I try to find men's clothes that suit my body and make it look less feminine around my hips. You can even get insoles to boost your height.

And you'd be surprised about surgery. There are new steps being made in medicine all the time. It used to be that phalloplasty wouldn't result in a penis you could pee through, but that's changed now.

I would suggest you maybe go to a local LGBT group. Make friends there, and you can branch out, meet friends of friends, etc. Talk to other trans people. Perhaps seek counselling or therapy to deal with the resultant depression.

I promise that you are a man, and that you aren't alone. Dysphoria is a painful, awful thing, but you don't have to go through it alone. And I'm sure you will find someone. Look after yourself, and feel free to PM me if you need to talk to another gay trans man.



Chronos
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29 Apr 2017, 6:11 am

FallenSOLDIER wrote:
Where... do I even begin?

It's a pleasure to meet you all, my name is Fallen- and I've found myself in quite the predicament for many many MANY years now that I just don't know how to deal with or tolerate any longer which is why I've /finally/ decided to admit it online somewhere and see if maybe there is some way, someone, somewhere that can help me. You see, I identify as a gay man- however, we have one simple problem: I was 'graced' as many would put it, with a female body...

I've known I was supposed to be a guy since I was a knee-high, in all honesty (even dreamed it, every single dream I have!) and ever since I realized this my life has been one of a literal hell for me. Every day waking up is miserable, and every night when I go to bed there seems to finally be some sweet release for when I dream-I can be who I was meant to be.

Not only does life mock me with my wrong body parts, but it also mocks me in the fact that the chances of a gay guy dating a girl are absolutely non-existent and I just don't know what to do. Not only am I uncomfortable in my own body, but now I won't ever get to have a partner to help me feel better and love me for me, and it's just so depressing all the time to the point where I just am so sick of this and feel like I can't be happy anymore.

Now, I know many would offer for me to have a sex change- MtF is so much easier and perfected compared to FtM. Steroids are so much worse on the body than estrogen, and having a working male organ, or something that is even close? Forget about it! I'm sure I'd be happy if I could just be with someone who understood what I was on the inside and didn't mind treating me as such... actually I'm 95 percent sure I'd be fine with that alone. Me changing my body wouldn't just bring on the misery for myself but my beloved mother as well who I couldn't stand breaking her heart.

I'm just so lost. So utterly, completely, unbelievably lost and alone with my gender identity crisis I've been having since I can remember- which is why I'm seeking advice and praying this is the right place to ask it. I don't even know where or how to begin looking for people similar to me, or better yet, how to even find a gay guy who would accept me for me.

I've heard the stereotypical "you can't love somebody if you can't love yourself"- this is definitely not the answer for, so please don't tell me that either. I believe there are quite a few people who don't fall into that because they've learned to hide that pretty well in their life. Not everything is black and white -as we can see in my situation...

Please, help me. At least if anything to tell me I'm not alone and suffering through all this by myself. I know I'm not the only one around who feels this way, but dang it, there are definitely some days where I sure do feel this way and it's just been so exhausting. One can only curl up underneath the hot water of a shower and cry for so long before they lose the ability to shed tears...


I think you are misguided to assume that straight men would not appreciate you for the person you are inside. Sure, some straight men want a woman with very feminine looks and a very traditionally feminine personality, but a lot of men, particularly young men, are attracted to women who have more "masculine" personality traits. The catch is, this is provided it is contained in a female body.

If you feel like a gay man in a female body, and cannot be the masculine man in the masculine body you would like to have, then be a masculine man in an attractive female body.

All of these female characters embody power.

Special Agent Dana Scully - X-Files: Medical Doctor and FBI agent. Saves her partner on multiple occasions. Possibly immortal.
Image

Special Agent Olivia Dunham - Fringe: FBI Agent with special powers who proves integral in saving the world.
Image

Mystique - X-Men: Mutant who is not to be crossed.
Image

Lieutenant Kara "Starbuck" Thrace - Battlestar Galactica Mini Series: Saves humanity from extinction.
Image

All of these real women also embody power.

Admiral Grace Hopper: Pioneer in computer science.
Image

Dr. Mary Walker: Military doctor, former prisoner of war, and medal of honor recipient.
Image

There's more of course but it would make the post excessively long. All of these women have traditionally masculine qualities in female bodies, and appealed to straight men.



NAS
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29 Apr 2017, 6:50 am

Chronos wrote:
FallenSOLDIER wrote:





I really appreciate what you are trying to say, and I believe that powerful women as role models are brilliant. However, OP is not a woman. He is a man, but his body doesn't align with who he really is, and this causes him great distress, as he said. The distress is called dysphoria. Waking up with parts which your mind is telling you absolutely should NOT be there is incredibly painful, and it isn't as simple as him being a masculine woman. He does not want to have a relationship with a straight man, because he isn't a woman.

As I said, I think that female role models are fantastic. I am a man, but I take lessons from women all the time. Perhaps OP does, too. However, he is simply not a woman, as he states. As a transgender person, I found your reply quite distressing to read. That cruel part of my mind started to tell me that I'll never be a 'real' man and to just give up, to make myself a woman. It made me think about body parts I'd rather ignore, and I started to shake, sweat, feel panicky. Like I'm trapped in my own skin. I hope that OP doesn't feel the same kind of distress if/when he reads this.

I just thought this was important to point out.



Chronos
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29 Apr 2017, 3:38 pm

NAS wrote:
Chronos wrote:
FallenSOLDIER wrote:





I really appreciate what you are trying to say, and I believe that powerful women as role models are brilliant. However, OP is not a woman. He is a man, but his body doesn't align with who he really is, and this causes him great distress, as he said. The distress is called dysphoria. Waking up with parts which your mind is telling you absolutely should NOT be there is incredibly painful, and it isn't as simple as him being a masculine woman. He does not want to have a relationship with a straight man, because he isn't a woman.

As I said, I think that female role models are fantastic. I am a man, but I take lessons from women all the time. Perhaps OP does, too. However, he is simply not a woman, as he states. As a transgender person, I found your reply quite distressing to read. That cruel part of my mind started to tell me that I'll never be a 'real' man and to just give up, to make myself a woman. It made me think about body parts I'd rather ignore, and I started to shake, sweat, feel panicky. Like I'm trapped in my own skin. I hope that OP doesn't feel the same kind of distress if/when he reads this.

I just thought this was important to point out.


I understand the OP's situation concerning identifying as male in a female body. I am not seeking to convince the OP that he is female gendered or wrong in his conclusions about himself.

The OP expressed that steroids and current bottom surgery techniques would not produce acceptable outcomes/had unacceptable risks and are therefore, not considered options, and the OP also expressed that finding a partner would be sufficient for happiness.

I believe the OP is correct in their conclusion that a gay men, (with perhaps the exception of some gay transmen) would not be interested in a man without normally functional male genitalia, and straight men would certainly not be attracted to a transman.

Given those things, I believe it's in the OP's best interest to make themselves attractive to the sex which they are attracted to, or for the OP, that would mean utilizing his feminine form. Consider that gay men put a considerable amount of effort into attracting a mate.



unimatrix001
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07 May 2017, 1:19 am

MtF transitioning isn't easier. It's only the SRS that's higher quality for MtF, but passing is way harder. I'm 6'0 and have broad shoulders so I could never pass and would look like a freak. Which is why I'm going to just repress for the rest of my life and try to think about things besides corporeal existence. If you're FtM it's possible though. You'll pass as a young-looking guy.