Very pessimistic view from 6 year old HFA

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maru99
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20 Apr 2017, 8:17 am

Hi, I really love this wrong planet forum and at the moment, I am lost in how to talk to my son (6 year old HFA). I would like to seek advice from someone who has been there.

My son is currently having problem with his PE class and PE teacher as he has significant gross motor difficulties.

Today, I asked C (my son's name) to let me know or his class teacher if he has further problems with PE teacher. (I talked to his class teacher this morning about the issue but she was not very keen to intervene.

then C said to me that " Mummy, you don't know.. All teachers, they don't care about children. They only care about other adults, not children, Mrs N (his class teacher) doesn't care about me. "

I think he is not referring about only this one incident or one teacher. His statement is partly(in a large proportion) true and (some part) wrong. But I don't know how I can change his view to something that he can make sense of his world in better way.



traven
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20 Apr 2017, 11:57 am

Looks like me when young, i was terrible with gross motor skills, i always ended up crying(meltdown?) but its was a silenced topic, i think it was political too, being from a "capitalist" family in a nasty area; that made some happy faces.

Luckily he can talk about that,but what to say I don't know
if things could work out someway that would help a lot in giving an example that not everything is that bad.

If you could have him have PE with younger children that would be an idea to explore, but that might be too much out of the box for the system.



mr_bigmouth_502
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20 Apr 2017, 3:32 pm

I hated gym class too. I was always "that kid" who would get picked last and who got s**t from the teachers for not wearing appropriate workout attire.

I'm not sure what you can do to change your son's view, other than maybe get him put into a special PE class, if that's even an option. Even then, if he's anything like I was at that age, he might resent not being treated the same as the other kids. Throughout public school I hated being singled out for being different, even though in hindsight, I doubt I would've gotten as far as I did without an individualized program plan. I mean, I dropped out of high school partly because I was transferred to a different school district that didn't have any of my special ed info on file.


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20 Apr 2017, 5:19 pm

I'm thinking it's quite possible that your son isn't telling you ALL of what he feels----NOT because he is intentionally withholding information from you, but, maybe, just because he hasn't thought to tell you more, or doesn't know how, or doesn't realize he DOES feel more. For instance, when he said: "Mrs N doesn't care about me.", I'm thinking what he meant, was: "Mrs. N. doesn't care about me, the way YOU do". I'm thinking the best way to handle this, is to tell him that he can't expect his teacher(s) (or, anybody else, for that matter) to care about him, the way you do----if, for no other reason, than the fact that she has 19 other kids (or, however many's in his class) to worry-about, look-out-for, be concerned-with, take-care-of, etc.

I'm thinking if you talked to him about how it's a really big / important job to look-after / care-for so many kids, at-one-time, that he would understand----you could ask him to imagine himself, with that responsibility (this, IMO, helps him build imagination, and helps him with empathy, in that it gets him thinking-about what it's like, in someone else's shoes); and, you could also tell him that you only have HIM (or, however many kids you have) to worry about, so it's much easier for you to give him all the attention / whatever he needs (I know it's not easy being a parent----I just meant it was easier than taking-care-of a whole classroom-ful of kids, at-one-time).





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20 Apr 2017, 6:03 pm

I would ask him further questions like "Why do you say teachers don't care about children? How do they not care?"

You can't believe everything kids say, not that they are lying but because they don't know any better. My son who is NT will sometimes tell me things like there is a bad boy in his class so I asked him what bad things does he do and my son tells me. It was all normal kid behavior, not a kid that acts like a sociopath or gets other kids into trouble or manipulates adults or hurts other kids and lies about it to justify it and he doesn't throw chairs or steal. But sometimes we have to laugh because it's all cute because their perspectives on life are very limited and have no idea. They don't even know what mean is or what not caring about someone is or what bad is.


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friedmacguffins
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20 Apr 2017, 6:08 pm

If I have my own kids, they won't go to public school.



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21 Apr 2017, 2:12 pm

maru99 wrote:
Hi, I really love this wrong planet forum and at the moment, I am lost in how to talk to my son (6 year old HFA). I would like to seek advice from someone who has been there.

My son is currently having problem with his PE class and PE teacher as he has significant gross motor difficulties.

Today, I asked C (my son's name) to let me know or his class teacher if he has further problems with PE teacher. (I talked to his class teacher this morning about the issue but she was not very keen to intervene.

then C said to me that " Mummy, you don't know.. All teachers, they don't care about children. They only care about other adults, not children, Mrs N (his class teacher) doesn't care about me. "

I think he is not referring about only this one incident or one teacher. His statement is partly(in a large proportion) true and (some part) wrong. But I don't know how I can change his view to something that he can make sense of his world in better way.


Better in what sense? What is your goal?

What he saying is probably true to his experience. Maybe the best thing is to acknowledge what he is telling you and let him know that you support him and care, no matter what the people at school do.

The frequent indifference and occasional malevolence of authority is a valuable life lesson.


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maru99
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22 Apr 2017, 6:29 am

Thank you so much for your posts.

Yes, I don't know what "better" is actually.. May be mr_bigmouth_502 suggested, I probably wanted to say something like "It isn't so bad."
I know that Adults/Teachers cannot always serve everyone's request and tend to brush off unimportant requests/interactions from kids.

But, traven and mr_bigmouth_502 shared their experience about their PE time at school and I can see Life with ASD is already difficult at this young age. So it is actually bad if he feels about teacher in that way and He feels that he cannot get help from anyone at school when he needs it.

As Campin_Cat said, Also, There is a possibility that he expect too much from his teacher. (like he expect her to care about him like I do care about him). I can also say that She has many kids to look after too and it is not that she doesn't care about him.

Yes, "I can protect you, when you need it." is good one.

I really don't want to disappoint him in adults or people around him although that may sounds unrealistic.

I feel parenting with ASD kids is really hard these days as he started his school at mainstream.. Thank you for helping me in this.



Chronos
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11 May 2017, 2:12 am

maru99 wrote:
Hi, I really love this wrong planet forum and at the moment, I am lost in how to talk to my son (6 year old HFA). I would like to seek advice from someone who has been there.

My son is currently having problem with his PE class and PE teacher as he has significant gross motor difficulties.

Today, I asked C (my son's name) to let me know or his class teacher if he has further problems with PE teacher. (I talked to his class teacher this morning about the issue but she was not very keen to intervene.

then C said to me that " Mummy, you don't know.. All teachers, they don't care about children. They only care about other adults, not children, Mrs N (his class teacher) doesn't care about me. "

I think he is not referring about only this one incident or one teacher. His statement is partly(in a large proportion) true and (some part) wrong. But I don't know how I can change his view to something that he can make sense of his world in better way.


You do not need to change his views. He is absolutely right. His teachers probably don't care that he struggles and needs accommodations, and probably brush him off. What you need to do is show him that you care and you won't let the school get away with not accommodating him. Arrange a meeting with the proper school officials to get his accommodations met.



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10 Jun 2017, 10:10 am

I always thought my P.E. classes were taught by frustrated jocks. They wanted everybody to conform and be an athlete. My inclination was more toward academics. This isn't to say I wasn't active. Today, I am quite active physically. My tennis instructor said it best, "You need an indoor life (thinking) and an outdoor life (physical exercise)."

I hope your son can find a physical activity he really enjoys. With me, a passion for my favorite players allowed me to investigate taking tennis lessons.



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10 Jun 2017, 10:55 am

I felt exactly this way about teachers at your son's age, too, except that I never actually managed to express it in words the way your son has.

My generation's teachers really didn't care about kids. We were the generation that still received physical punishment. I got shouted and screamed at and slapped by teachers, told I was nothing, etc. It was all allowed. I very much had the impression teachers not only don't care about kids but loathed us.

Even though teachers today are hopefully very, very different (or they would be drummed out of the profession now) still your son's impressions are his genuine experience and feeling, be careful not to dismiss his impressions.



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02 Jul 2017, 11:27 pm

You say pessimistic, I say realistic. I bet he has summed the situation up and reached a logical conclusion which is exactly what I did when I went to school. He needs to know that you are on his side but don't expect him to feel teacher are because they are most likely not.
School certainly wasn't the best years of my life. Whenever I have heard people say that they were the best years of their life, I know I'm talking to an idiot.


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maru99
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30 Jul 2017, 9:14 am

Wow, Sorry I didn't know that I have received more posts on the topic.

Thank you so much for your advises.

(not so) deep inside of my heart, I know how he feels...I understand why he feels in that way.

He pick up cues and make good reasoning out of it because he can do that although he has ASD.

I really did not want him to be disappointed in Adults so I tried to support their actions however, It is probably more important that I don't disappoint him and tell him I am on his side. You are right..



maru99
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30 Jul 2017, 9:27 am

Thank you for your advise in sports.

I think my son started showing interest in some sports. I found at the moment, he is not so bad and gaining skills that he needs to perform in the sports. (eg, he moves faster than other peers in basket ball although he can not dribble ball)

Looking for sporting inspiration is good idea by watching games on TV or watching real sport game!!

Thank you.



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30 Jul 2017, 1:38 pm

If he is a fast runner, do you think he would like track and field? At this age, they often will have a Field Day at the end of the year, where they have a variety of track and field events which typically includes sprint races and when I went to school I think the longest race was 1 mile. Maybe if he does well in this (if his school has this) it will give him good confidence.

Then when he is older, if he wants, maybe he could join track. In my experience, the kids in track were a little more open to different personalities than other sports. (I was not in track, but I had a friend (probably aspie) in track and it is based on my observations of who was also in track.)



maru99
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11 Aug 2017, 4:24 am

Hi, Thank you for your message.

I think putting him in track is good idea. When we were in science museum and he tried 10m dash a couple of time. He was faster than older kids. It was a surprise. He is not good in longer race but It was still surprise that he came to average time of all his classmates. (only boys). I think For him, there is a good hope in track than sports using ball.

Thank you for your good advise.