AS boyfriend disappearing on me for a long time

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Hello!

I am NT and I have a suspected Aspie boyfriend. I had made a post once asking people's opinion as whether he was on the spectrum or not. After conducting a lot of research and talking with him and friends, we all (including him) believe he has Aspergers but there is no official diagnosis yet.
I love him very much, but we face some problems lately and I would like someone's opinion as to what to do. I'm sorry in advance for the long post.

We met 4 years ago and we started a relationship right away. At the time we lived in different countries but soon I moved to his country to a city close to his for my PhD. We had amazing times together, great fun the two of us and also with friends. He has always been very respectful of me and he is a very nice person. Very smart guy and really a lovely partner. But from the beginning I had started noticing that we have a communication issue. Me, being NT and very empathic, I crave communication. I want it every day all the time if possible. That's not the case for him. He would disappear say for a couple of days and then he would come back as if everything was normal. At first I was kind of annoyed, I didn't know what to assume. Slowly I started understanding that this is how he is. I have to admit I was worried that maybe he wasn't in love with me but I got reassured that this was not the case by his actions. So I decided to pay attention to his actions and not to how often he chats with me or how often he says romantic things to me. And we've been fine. We would have the occasional "argument" (not even a real argument, more like a discussion) where I would try to explain to him how I would appreciate it if he could send me messages more often, even if it's just to send one word and he would say that he understands and he would then try to do it for a week or so and then forget it again. But the relationship overall was very nice, we never argued really, and we both said we were lucky to have found each other.

Two years ago he moved to another country so we don't see each other as often anymore. The relationship continued normally and the plan was to try and move together once I finish my PhD. Of course since we didn't see each other that often the communication became somewhat of a bigger issue but still we managed to work it out. So what would happen was that he might disappear for a couple of days and then be normal again, sometimes he wouldn't reply to my messages right away but maybe the next day etc. I'm not a great fan of this but I accepted it since I trust him and I know we have very different communication patterns. So I thought we had found an equilibrium and that we would go on like that until I finish. I forgot to mention we would meet about once every month or once every two months for about a week or so.

Around September 2016 he started telling me he was very stressed with his job and that he didn't like it so he thought about quitting. That's when he started really disappearing. At first his messages just became less and he was less talkative. I complained about it but he explained that he is just stressed. After a while, around November, he disappeared completely for more than a week, he wouldn't reply to any of my calls, messages, nothing. I was very worried, I didn't know what was going on. I thought he didn't want to be with me anymore. Finally he talked to me, he apologized and he explained he was just very stressed. I just asked from him to warn me if he need some time to himself and I would understand. Or at least if he sees that I am trying to contact him, just let me know with a short message that he doesn't want to talk right now. He said he would try but this happened again. I need to point out that this happened while I was (and still am) in the process of writing my thesis, which is very stressful and depressing and he knows that since he went through that 2 years ago. Again we talked about it and I explained how it made me feel. He apologized and he said he would try. And he kind of tried. For a while.

Meanwhile I was (and still am) going through depression for the first time in my life so you can imagine how it was scary for me. I needed him to be there for me at least with one word, nothing more, I just wanted to know he is out there. So from January to mid-February he would make some effort but still he would disappear here and there, forget to reply to my messages etc. Even when I needed some help from him he wouldn't reply sometimes. I was trying to be understanding of his situation. He had told me he was very very stressed, he was feeling lost and unsure about his future. At the same time though, my depression was hitting me again and his disappearing freaked me out. One day I had an emotional breakdown and sent him some messages telling him that he can't do this to me and that it's unfair, that I loved him and I didn't want to break up but maybe it's the only solution. After that he went completely silent for 2 weeks. Nothing. I tried to apologize when I was calm, I explained what happened to me and why I said what I said and also explained how I meant what I said, which is, that I don't want to break up with him but that I was very frustrated at the moment about the fact that he cannot be there when I need him and I briefly considered it. I asked him repeatedly during these 2 weeks if he was mad at me, if he was ok, but nothing. Finally he talked to me, he said he is in a very bad situation, he doesn't even know who he is etc. I asked him if we were ok between us and he said he doesn't know. He said he is in love with me and he misses me and he wants to see me but that at the moment he is very lost and he doesn't know anything. I was hurt of course but I tried to understand again.

After this phone call he didn't speak to me for a whole month. I didn't insist too much, I didn't pressure him or anything. I knew it was the last month of his contract so I thought it might have been very stressful for him. Then, it was my birthday. He wouldn't wish me so I was very sad. I decided to send him a text reminding him it's my birthday (because I know he forgets dates) and we got to talk a bit. He was looking for a job. He repeated that he loves me, he said he thinks he will always love me (sounds scary no?) and that his feelings towards me haven't changed but he doesn't know if we will be able to live together after my PhD and he wouldn't want me to miss any professional opportunities for him. I told him to not think about it now and that if indeed his feelings haven't changed, he should wait until we can discuss it together. He didn't reply. It's been 2 weeks now. I've sent him a few more messages, some jokes here and there or interesting links but nothing.

My question is: Should I believe him? I mean, is it possible to really have the same feelings for me but still behave like this? Is this consistent with AS or is it just him? Should I give up on him or should I be more patient? Normally I am a patient person, I want to assume the best in every situation but in this case I am wondering if I am being stupid to wait for him. Sometimes I am mad at him for leaving me alone in such a difficult period in my life but then I wonder if I am being unfair towards him, maybe he cannot do anything else right now..

Friends tell me that obviously his feelings have changed and that I should forget about him. Until now I considered him to be honest, I never got the impression that he said something he didn't mean. What I don't get is why he would reply with "I don't know" to my question if we're ok, but not have the courage to say "I don't know" when I asked if his feelings have changed. Is it possible? I guess my question is more, should I believe him when he says he is still in love with me and just give him time or should I let it go? Is it typical for AS people to behave like this even if they are in love with a person?

I don't know. I'm sorry for the long post, I am very lost at the moment and I don't know if I should give up on him. I love him with all my heart and I don't want to lose him but I feel that he is pulling away from me and I don't understand why. Do you get something from the whole situation that I didn't get maybe?



Thank you, I hope some of you will take the time to help me a little.

I'm sad to say that this is common behavior for some Aspies within a relationship & unfortunately there isn't much that can be done about it. You have to ask yourself if you can go on with this behavior for the rest of your relationship or not.

i don't know if you can really pin it all as. fact is, if he loved you and cared, he'd call you or make contact much, much more than he is. every other week is crap. i don't even go that long without talking to my mom when i live away.

your best bet is to let him go, honestly. if he cares about you he'll come around, and if he doesn't, he won't.

I'm so sorry you're having to go-through this. It DOES seem like he's wanting to be untethered, and that his feelings, for you, have changed----I mean, a couple of days, here-and-there, I could let slide; but, a week, 2 weeks, a MONTH, no way!! IMO, if he can't do any better than that, he shouldn't be trying to have a relationship with ANYBODY (g/f-wise).

Extreme stress can make aspies react in radical ways especially when ensnared within the strings of a heavy relationship, persistence in pecking at his resistance and fortified armour concealing his deep harbour of feelings may eventually reveal the core but who knows whether it will be a worthwhile endeavour if he is able to detach from you for this length of time. If the reasoning makes sense enough to bridge such a divide of hurt on your end I guess it is a workable situation but if you cannot handle this kind of retreat you need to let him know it's not tenable and he cannot resist a certain level of commitment and reassurance no matter the storm that is raging, he must learn that this is not a pattern that can be repeated too many times once the discussions have been held.

Wait until you see how «long» many of my posts can get !


This deserves a sticky; il y a beaucoup de garçons dans ce babillard électronique qui espèrent qu'ils peuvent commencer une relation avec une fille tout suite ! Vraiment ils sont célibataires éternels.


Par chance ? Perhaps it was fate but like all longer-term associations... partnerships require effort.
On-going effort. From both parties. Same with friendships. Without consistent effort it can still fizzle out.

All I am going to respond to here is why you two did not move together and you just simply transfer your course over to the new location is beyond me. Well, moving on with the rest, I suppose...

Well, I actually do not consider it normal, not for people in relationships to move to entirely different countries anyway. Also, much as you trust in him, I sensed from other parts of your post further down that he's actually lost confidence in himself, and it is not uncommon for Aspies to worry about it being the end of the world or the end of being able to make any progress in their lives if they experience such events like a job-loss.

Certain types of stresses can be paralysing for some Aspies. I think Aspie-communication works best when «scheduled» and if he «misses the appointment» then just try to re-schedule another time to dialogue.

The entire world is becoming more and more «spirit-possessed» (even if it happens in such a «subtle» manner that it simply looks like a psychological-condition/change), but know that sometimes I might not communicate with people even for months at a time, although that has more to do with the amount of clutter and trying to re-organise a whole bunch of things in my life, that it can feel over-whelming, and I often need very long periods of time-to-myself in order to try/attempt to gather-my-thoughts, so-to-speak, so that I can start «functioning» in a more properly organised and coherent manner, otherwise it ends up being going to do A, but then realising that B also needs to be done, but then also realising that C needs to be done, but then also realising that D needs to be done, but then also noticing that E needs to be done, but then also noticing that F still needs to be worked on, but then also noticing that G needs attention, but then also finding that H must be addressed, but then also that X and Y and Z still need to be completed before it is possible to continue working on C and D and G and H, and in the end, rather than being stressed from trying to think through it all, I might prefer to just fall back on some other more familiar routine or simply go to sleep so that I don't have to try and figure it all out in only a day.

Maintenant je vous souhaite un bon anniversaire ! Anyway, increases in gaps in communication amongst Aspie is also not uncommon, even a few months at a time, for any variety of reasons. From the sounds of things, I think he is the one who needs re-assurance, but if these regular forms of communication aren't working, try something more traditional, such as sending a hand-written letter through the postal-services.

Whether you should or not do something is a philosophical-question that is answered differently depending on the eye of the beholder (facts and opinions are often confused... especially by mainstream-believing Americans). What you describe is not necessarily uncommon but at the same time, neither of you «secured» the «stability» of your «relationship» when you decided to start living in different countries.

It's also not uncommon for Aspies (many of the younger ones in particular anyway) to be unable to make masculine and thus male-decisions that are characteristic of a «real» MAN. Let me put it this way, when a guy is confident at being able to handle all problems and issues that come his way (like I am; although I am still honest enough to be able to cite that there are limitations, even if I know how to do something, doesn't necessarily mean that I can get it accomplished without the tools, such as how a pilot cannot use his knowledge of piloting a craft without a helicopter or aero-plane or so-called man-made UFO or other such aerial/levitation-devices, such as how a captain cannot put his sailing knowledge to efficient use without having access to an actual ship, etc), then he is a MAN. There are no unconfident men. If you lack confidence, you are not a man, and if you are a MAN, then you do not lack confidence.

This guy apparently doesn't even believe in himself (reference to how he mentioned not knowing whether you two would be able to live together after your PhD). Honestly, a girlfriend needing to be something like a mother for her Aspie-boyfriend is not that uncommon, either. Either you're able to make enough money to compel him to accept your offers of being able to move back with you or where-ever you might decide to live, such as offering to even pay for his entire flight and «bail him out» from whatever expenses he may have inadvertently incurred that he might not be able to pay off that could be stressing his life (sounds like he might be worried that he didn't do a good enough job at his contract and that it might not get renewed or that nobody wants to hire him after a possible dismal-performance in his mind), but the «guide-lines (something like ground-rules but not necessarily strictly enforced)» do need to be set, otherwise it's like «spoiling» a child to the point where they cannot or are unable to exercise any financial-discipline in his adult-life (same thing with the «relationship» discipline but in this case it sounds like YOU have to pick up his slack as far as relationship-discipline goes if you wish to continue keeping him).

This is more likely a case of telepathic-subjugation of the mind (i.e.: spirit-possession), unless he's simply trying to «spare your feelings» for whatever reason if he cannot answer you CONFIDENTLY, but also understand that the word «love» can mean different things to different people. Within the Greek-language itself there are at least three (maybe for or even six) different words for love, distinguishing between romantic/sexual-love, spiritual-love,
sibling love, parental-love, etc. Even I can say that I «love» you, too,
but in my case, I say so in the context that «care enough» that I am willing to take so much «time» out of my day in order to provide you with whatever «detailed response» happens to come to mind that you are reading right now.

Yes, I get a lot of what is potentially (although not guaranteed) happening, and it's not uncommon women (younger NT ones in particular) to feel that some guy is pulling away from her, when he himself simply lacks the CONFIDENCE that he can continue to even be attractive to YOU. I mean, seriously, you're working on getting a PhD, you know, a DOCTORATE, meaning that you might start making MORE MONEY than he even can (this COULD be going on in his mind), and who knows how many more «men» become accessible to you as a result, allowing you to be able to even inter-mingle amongst «men» who are even MUCH more «successful» (financially) than he is right now (such as new men whom you might meet at your new career), and maybe he's going through some kind of «inferiority complex» phase in his life where he might be feeling that he lacks the ability to even live up to your expectations. Anyway, a LOT of scenarios could be going on, assuming he's not working as some sort of «spy» where the «safety» of his life has been compromised, but in the end, what doesn't kill us is supposed to make us stronger (emotional-context). Just in case it helps make you feel any better... <hugs xaroula> =)

Considering I'm trying to stop 'untethering', I find myself disappearing for pretty significant amounts of time regardless because it takes energy to fully consider someone's needs & boundaries. I find myself lucky about being open with my HFA & a few girls in my life. I'm still not sure they know how loyal that keeps me. In the most important connection of mine I find myself needing little ways to remain insistent that she can simply talk to me about anything, we agreed a good while ago it's best to drop the electronics & be direct with each other on our own time. Most people with AS have to let others go so often that doing otherwise is cause for serious caution. I would be rather cranky & ungrounded all the time if I had to just stop loving someone just because I'm not around them.

I'm sorry I didn't understand what you mean. English is not mu first language so maybe it's that.
Do you mean that disappearing for a long time keeps you loyal? How does that work?



I didn't understand this either.. how would someone "have to" stop loving someone? Why AS people have to let others go as often?
And how doing otherwise is cause for caution?

Sorry, it's probably just my English but I don't get it.. :S

Well, I think I would be able to deal with periods of retreat as long as it was clear to me that it has nothing to do with me, that this is what he needed and that I could contact him in the case of an emergency for example. Now I don't even know how he feels. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to assume he doesn't care (it's been almost 1,5 months now since our last contact) or believe what he said about how his feelings haven't changed? I don't expect an answer from you, it's more of a question to myself.

Anyway, thanks for your answer. I'm really disappointed with all that. I have no idea how I will proceed.

Thanks for your reply. This is what it seems like to me as well. I came in this forum for this reason, to see if I am mis-judging him somehow. I get repllies from some people saying it is typical AS behavior though and that makes it more confusing.. If it's just AS then I feel I should be more understanding..? On the other hand, I am already an understanding person and how am I supposed to really understand something that hasn't been explained to me by him and that to most people, including myself, it seems like pure loss of interest? I don't know..

Probably I will have to let him go I guess.. Not much more I can do here..

Thank you for replying. But why wouldn't he tell me such a thing when I have repeatedly told him I prefer to know so I can move on. He knows it's unfair to keep me in a waiting status. He agrees with what I've said on this topic and he promised he wouldn't do this to me. I don't know him to lie or be afraid to tell me the truth...

Sounds rough, I can relate I've been in similar shoes to yours. :/

It is really difficult. xx

Thanks a lot.. Would you like to explain a bit more your experience? No need to, just trying to understand how others have experienced these kinds of situation..

I have asked myself that. And I believe that if this is something that happens once every few years in extreme situations, yes I can live with that. But I would need to know that he just can't help but behave this way, that it doesn't mean he doesn't care about me. If I knew that then I think I would be able to be more patient. But how can I know? Can I trust what he says now? It's something that he never warned me about. Maybe he didn't even know this could happen to him? He never really explained it after it happened either, apart from "I feel lost, I don't know who I am" etc.

I would be willing to give him as much time as needed, I'm very patient but in this case I constantly worry that maybe he's just lying to me about his feelings, and that I'm being stupid for trying to understand and justify his actions.

Pourquoi vous dites qu'ils sont des célibataires éternels? Je ne comprends pas!

I don't think it was by chance. Indeed we clicked pretty much immediately but we both made some effort to stay together and understand each other. He made some effort to change some of the behaviours I complained about.

There was no possibility for me to do that. And we knew from the beginning that he would have to move in 2 years since we met. And we had decided to stay together and then try to move in together. That was the plan and it was going pretty well until all this happened.

I'm sure a lack of self-confidence is somewhere in the mix but I don't know to which degree.

"Spirit-possessed"? Do you mean this literally? I understand what you describe, but it's been 1.5 months now since our last conversation... Can that last that long?

Je vous remercie!

But do the increases in gaps of communication mean that also his feelings toward me change? Or could it be purely about himself?
I have tried to reassure him plenty of times. I have told him that unless he tells me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore I'm not letting go. He has promised that in case his feelings change he will let me know no matter what. But after such a long time.. should I still take his word on that?

As I said it was inevitable. And we had managed to maintain a good relationship despite the distance. And the possibility of being able to live together was just around the corner.. So I don't get it at all!

Then what are you if you lack confidence? Anyway, I think I understand what you're trying to say but I'm not too sure I agree.

He doesn't need me to make money for both of us, that's for sure. He has much more than I do and his potential for making more is also higher. He does think (I believe) that he didn't do as well at his job as he wanted to but there were no complaints from his boss. In fact his boss wanted to keep him for another 2-3 years but he refused to renew the contract. The reason I think is that it was very stressful for him, he didn't enjoy it as much and maybe that he felt he wasn't as good as he thought.

Telepathic subjugation? What?

I don't know how someone would "spare my feelings" behaving like this! It's even worse than just saying to me his feelings changed!
As I said I have asked him several times to tell me even if it's the day of my defense! I don't care, I prefer to know! And he has agreed to that. And from knowing him for about 4 years now, I think that's his type. But I may be wrong. That's what's killing me. That maybe he's not as straightforward as I thought he was, maybe he's lying.

About the meaning of the word "love": I know! We have discussed a lot what we mean by saying I love you, given that we come from different countries. When he says "I love you" it is supposed to be in the romantic/sexual context.


So you think that he's not really pulling away but he just lacks the confidence that I still love him? Even though I have told him I love him and I want to be with him several times?
I don't think that money is a factor. He has a PhD in the same domain as well and the work he quit was a post-doc position. He made like 4 times the money I made as a PhD student and he's much more capable of having a well-payed position. So I don't think that's what causes his insecurities.

Anyway, thanks a lot, especially for taking the time to write such a long post. I'm still very lost and worried. I don't know if I can do anything to help him or if he doesn't even want that, if he doesn't care. It's all so confusing.

Thanks for the hug!

Bisous!

Well I think it's surprising to us when people stay in our lives sometimes & we feel subject to a lot of social anxiety from doubts that we've been seriously accepted. While I'm not sure it applies for everyone I think time alone reflects a lot of thoughts toward others.