Is there something "off" about the way we look?
RetroGamer87
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Forget social skills. We may be held back by a more fundamental problem. I sometimes catch my reflection in a shop window as I walk by there's something "off" about the way I look and the way I move. Perhaps that's why we have trouble finding a partner. Like we're triggering people's uncanny valley effect.
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Sweetleaf
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AngelRho
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Yeah, I agree. I know something is up with the way I walk, my voice, face expressions, and posture. I honestly have no idea how to correct any of it, though, but I'm aware that it sends the message "something isn't right with this one."
I just compensate by being nice to people and trying to get to know them (instead of them getting to know me). USUALLY I do ok.
When I DON'T do ok, I just look for the exit. I got "fired" from this band gig I've had the last year, and I've been looking for a way out really since December. I didn't know how to bring it up, didn't want to leave anyone in a bind, and then I got "that" phone call. So I'm embarrassed by how it went down, but at the same time I'm relieved. My weekends are free, I can look for another band or start a new one, or I can do something radically different.
It just sucks that so much rides on how people see you and judge you, and how we have to judge exactly how much it's worth investing in other people when they may not really have our best interests in mind. In a relationship, you might manage to get that first date. But how long until that one little mannerism triggers the cuckoo alarm in your prospective mate? It's defo not easy out there, and the way we carry ourselves or speak certainly do us no favors.
With me, usually. Most of the time I can be bizarrely focused & quiet, I don't always need a reason. I think that's force of habit. Strangely it's shown me enough perspective on my own 'filters' that in conversations I'm normally more direct & goofy than people would guess.
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Richardf269
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I've been told by a few people my face looks "closed off" unless I'm smiling/frowning/laughing. It's something I've been doing since I was a kid.
well i usually look angry when i'm not, especially in bright lighting situations. or i look distant/disengaged. people have said i look unapproachable.
i've also been told i have "resting b***h face -- judgemental subtype" lol.
i'm not particularly judgemental but apparently my face doesn't care.
I do think mental habits, emotions and emotional patterns are often reflected in the body (general body, posture, and facial tension).... e.g. think about how your shoulders get sore if you are nervous or tense. If you do that a lot (i.e. if being tense is a common emotional pattern for you), you develop strong shoulder muscles, and this affects how the whole musculature hangs together, and how your nervous system starts using your musculature. Or think about how people slump when depressed, collapse into a sort of protective stance when scared, etc. Its def not a science, but there are general "vibes" or patterns you can learn to read in posture and musculature.
In my observation, people (both NTs and spectrum) vary widely in their ability to read these stance differences.
And man, autism is a pretty strong trip as far as the mind goes, so imo it should come as no surprise there's a physically recognizable component.
Personally, I very much think there is a posture "smell" to autism, and some people are sensitive to it, mostly subconsciously, and yeah, it probably can have a bit of an uncanny valley effect.
The good news is that some people LIKE it, especially other aspies (esp those who don't hate themselves lol!).... so in some sense you're signalling who you really are, and people can respond to that... hopefully people who really dig you
this is a nice sentiment, and may well have truth to it
I do feel like a lot of autistic people look differently than the rest of the population. It's not so much that we're any physically different than everyone else, it's just how we present ourself. I feel like for a lot of autistic people, our demeanor is different and that's how I can usually tell when someone is autistic or not. It's hard to explain but just the way we act and the way we talk, we're a little different then everyone else and because iv'e known loads of people with aspergers in my lifetime, I can pick up on this distinctive demeanor and that's how I can tell who's autistic or not often within minutes of meeting them. In a way, we're like stereotypical nerds.
Myself & an old friend of similar Norse ancesty concluded we both get resting b***h face a lot & we're guys.
... ?
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nick007
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People think I look upset when I'm not cuz I have a resting bastard face. I also move kind awkwardly sometimes. I think my physical disabilities have limited me alot more than my Aspie issues thou but that might be a subject for a different post.
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Maybe not directly physical, but most of us do have issues regarding body language, so we don't exercise the same facial muscles or grow the same wrinkles as most people, and we don't walk with the same gait, we don't have the same posture.
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Richardf269
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In my observation, people (both NTs and spectrum) vary widely in their ability to read these stance differences.
And man, autism is a pretty strong trip as far as the mind goes, so imo it should come as no surprise there's a physically recognizable component.
Personally, I very much think there is a posture "smell" to autism, and some people are sensitive to it, mostly subconsciously, and yeah, it probably can have a bit of an uncanny valley effect.
The good news is that some people LIKE it, especially other aspies (esp those who don't hate themselves lol!).... so in some sense you're signalling who you really are, and people can respond to that... hopefully people who really dig you
Funny thing is, since I'm both autistic & a Taurus (about to hit 34 this week), I'm a very calm & quiet individual a lot of the time. I've had maybe 5 women that cuddled with me & told me I smelled good (even though I don't think I did), and told me I'm a good pillow and that they liked the fact that I was. I can be a very charming guy if I wanted to be, or if I knew a woman had an interest in me besides being friends.
i've also been told i have "resting b***h face -- judgemental subtype" lol.
i'm not particularly judgemental but apparently my face doesn't care.
This. I've also been told i look unapproachable. I think it's because not knowing instinctively what face expression to make and with what intensity, in my case sometimes when there's a lot happening i have my eyes open fully and jaw clenched when trying to analyze everything that's happening.
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Self-Diagnosed after years of introspection:
RAADS-R: 205
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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 172 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 27 of 200
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