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TheWalrys435
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01 May 2017, 12:26 am

I'd like to know if anyone else has a similar experience. As a child, I had a fairly normal number of friends. Actually, the number of friends I was truly "close" with was more than most. I really got the sense that some kids who weren't my closer core group of friends actually wanted to be closer to me. I really was a pretty popular kid in some ways.
There was something about the way I carried myself that kids looked up to. I was always very imaginative also and could entertain everyone with stories I made up or relayed information.
Long story short, that lasted up until high school, ages 14-18. That's when everything started the go wrong for me and frankly, it never really got better. Truth is, it got steadily worse and has only been made more so by the expectations that society has of what you're supposed to be when you're an adult. The social abnormality that I was experiencing compacted as I've tried to make my way through life in large part because people simply can't understand the way I don't socialize the way normal people do. As a result, I've grown more estranged from people then the opposite so much to the point that I feel embarrassed by the fact that my life has been a very lonely one. This only compacts the feeling of alienation. And since I've turned 40, there is this Slowburn type of sadness and acceptance of the fact that I'll simply not be able to have a "normal life".
Has anyone else experienced this? It's like when we were children, the social norms and laws were not as rigid as the adult social norms and laws are. I feel like the only reason I was excepted but I was young was because of the fact that we don't know any better yet and are not expected to be able to function according to the sociology of the society we are a part of. We're full of naïveté and wonder at that time. But when we're adults, if we don't adhere to the rigid norms, we are commonly ostracized. And now the consequences are much more profound. Rather than just not being liked by a person or some people, you can actually not get the job you need or the promotion you need or whatever. I don't want this to be a book so I'll just end it there and ask if anyone knows what I'm talking about and has experienced anything similar.



Joe90
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01 May 2017, 1:12 pm

Socialising was a piece of cake as a child. I was often playing out in the street with other kids in the neighbourhood. I could behave a bit awkwardly but it was still easier to be accepted.

Having friends got harder after I got to about 11 or 12, because I was rejected by peers. That was when I started feeling depressed and had self-doubt.

Being an adult isn't as hard as the teenage years, but friendships can sometimes be awkward when you're not interested in drinking.


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Summer_Twilight
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02 May 2017, 1:33 pm

During my childhood, I wasn't popular but I had kids to play with in my neighborhood but I was still excluded from most of the kid birthdays. I was also teased at daycare but had people who I associated with including a childhood friend who I was with for 6 years until we both hit puberty. After that, she began to question why I was even in her life as she was getting into dating and all that jazz.

During Middle and Highschool, I seemed to have people stick around for a year before completely abandoning me because there were other people who seemed to be cooler or get with it. E.G- I had a friend of the opposite sex connect with another girl who had more in common with him. So, he turned really mean for a while because she turned him against me while his parents got the wrong ideas about me. I was exploited because of those two and their gossiping, yet, he and I have long since connected. He is back to loving animation and getting into the performing arts which I am happy about. In fact, we just caught up last week.

Yet, I had become good friends with one of my bus drivers who in her 50's. She had lots of good advice and still does today.

I have also learned to accept that I don't connect with most people my age because:
A. They aren't interested in me or any of the things that I am passionate about
B. I am not really interested in them because half of them are into things and have conversations that are boring

Does it bother me sometimes? Yes Do I mind? 90% of the time no because I have my own life and it's been pretty amazing



ZachGoodwin
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02 May 2017, 9:54 pm

Actually, it was harder in my childhood for me. Finding a friend for me was easier as a teenager and young adult.



TheWalrys435
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02 May 2017, 11:34 pm

Summer Twilight, that's a lot like what happened during my high school years. I basically lost all of my friends during that time. I genuinely did not enjoy conversation with my peers because their conversation did seem boring and emotionally immature to me. I much more enjoyed talking with teachers and other adults. At the time, I thought that maybe I was emotionally and intellectually advanced when compared to my peers. I thought that once I grew up and became an adult, all of my social interaction would become more normal and interesting. But as I said before, that's not really what happened. Now in adult life, I'm just genuinely considered odd by most people even though I still don't get what it is that they find out about me, they just do. I'm not sure that I have any real close friends. It doesn't work out well for me when I become too comfortable with someone so I found it best to keep everyone at arms length and just give people my best face forward. It works and I'm grateful for the friends and acquaintances that I have but there are times that despite having some people, because I don't have that closeness that I had when I was a child, I feel orderly lonely and it's a terriblr feeling. :wink:



randomeu
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08 May 2017, 6:38 pm

in my childhood it was kind of up and down. i had many friends, 5 infact. except that i was younger then them so in the year below them haha. but then they all got rid of me in high school because i was boring and didnt like football. then when i was older it got WAY worse and now i have no friends at all,and haven't been able to make friends since i was like 11 years old.


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Summer_Twilight
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08 May 2017, 9:37 pm

randomeu wrote:
in my childhood it was kind of up and down. i had many friends, 5 infact. except that i was younger then them so in the year below them haha. but then they all got rid of me in high school because i was boring and didnt like football. then when i was older it got WAY worse and now i have no friends at all,and haven't been able to make friends since i was like 11 years old.


You are only 19 years old so don't take it to heart. Have you thought about joining some meet-up-groups or even some local clubs that appeal to you? That is a way to meet people who have similar interest.

In my case they just opened a cat cafe and being that I am passionate about cats, go figure. I go and have conversations with the owner and play with their cats while trying to get involved with their activities.



Jacoby
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08 May 2017, 10:03 pm

Yea, around 11-12 it all went to ****. I haven't made a real friend since and everyone else went away eventually, falling to their own demons or betraying/rejecting me.



crystaltermination
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10 May 2017, 11:59 am

I'm the same, I wasn't the most outwardly confident child but I had no trouble finding friends up until the later years of primary school by about age 11. I was actually one of the troublemakers, but more on the sneaky side, so teachers could never be really sure who was the culprit, but oh... they knew my ways. :) I'd 'misplace' things or mess up my work area and even vandalised parts of the school because I knew I could lie my way out of it, which itself showed my confidence: you need it to be a convincing dissembler.
One thing that does stick out friends-wise at that time; the children I played with were almost exclusively boys. I made far fewer (girl) friends, and I'd say the same still applies even now.


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randomeu
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10 May 2017, 12:47 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
randomeu wrote:
in my childhood it was kind of up and down. i had many friends, 5 infact. except that i was younger then them so in the year below them haha. but then they all got rid of me in high school because i was boring and didnt like football. then when i was older it got WAY worse and now i have no friends at all,and haven't been able to make friends since i was like 11 years old.


You are only 19 years old so don't take it to heart. Have you thought about joining some meet-up-groups or even some local clubs that appeal to you? That is a way to meet people who have similar interest.

In my case they just opened a cat cafe and being that I am passionate about cats, go figure. I go and have conversations with the owner and play with their cats while trying to get involved with their activities.


meet ups and stuff arn't really my thing, i have tried them and its just kind of overwhelming haha, too many people and all sorts going. i dont mind too much though, i can't really hold a conversation and its just kind of draining


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 174 of 200
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You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


skiddlebugz
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10 May 2017, 5:10 pm

It was ALOT easier for me to make friends in Elementary and middle school but not anymore. Mostly my thoughts are that our childhood selves had a free spirit and were brave.


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TheWalrys435
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10 May 2017, 5:42 pm

skiddlebugz wrote:
It was ALOT easier for me to make friends in Elementary and middle school but not anymore. Mostly my thoughts are that our childhood selves had a free spirit and were brave.


So you can relate to what I'm saying than I guess. I just don't understand why people don't like me more than they do. This is a common aspie trait. I don't do anything rude that I know of and am careful to not say anything wrong. I think part of it though is that, it's what I don't say or do that turns people off sometimes. Like, NTs would have a certain reaction if someone said or did something in such a way, and they expect you to react accordingly, but since I don't...I just come off as odd and socially awkward. And then sometimes, some one I consider a friend just breaks contact...nothing happens, no arguments, but all of a sudden, they just cut me off out of the blue. Stinks I suppose. Don't know why life has to be this way. So unfortunate.



Summer_Twilight
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11 May 2017, 9:59 am

randomeu wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
randomeu wrote:
in my childhood it was kind of up and down. i had many friends, 5 infact. except that i was younger then them so in the year below them haha. but then they all got rid of me in high school because i was boring and didnt like football. then when i was older it got WAY worse and now i have no friends at all,and haven't been able to make friends since i was like 11 years old.


You are only 19 years old so don't take it to heart. Have you thought about joining some meet-up-groups or even some local clubs that appeal to you? That is a way to meet people who have similar interest.

In my case they just opened a cat cafe and being that I am passionate about cats, go figure. I go and have conversations with the owner and play with their cats while trying to get involved with their activities.


meet ups and stuff arn't really my thing, i have tried them and its just kind of overwhelming haha, too many people and all sorts going. i dont mind too much though, i can't really hold a conversation and its just kind of draining[/q

What about working your social skills?

1. Daniel Wendler has some good tips on "Improveyoursocialskills.com
2. The Asperger Experts have some forums that you can read as well

Another thing to consider is that your 20's are like your teenage years, which you are entering while your peers all act like their age.

Have you thought about joining an adult support group?

Finally, what about joining a local club where people have similar interests? That way you will find other like-minded people.



banana247
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18 May 2017, 9:12 am

It saddens me to agree with this wholeheartedly... I was quite popular as a kid in school but now relationships are such a struggle. I'm jealous of my younger self in that respect.

One thing that I think happened with me is that when you're kid, it's "cool" to be the "smart kid", and in my school, everyone liked the teachers, so it was "cool" to be popular among the teachers. I was the smart kid and always got a lot of attention for my projects, papers, grades, etc. Once you start getting into middle school, nerdy is suddenly a big negative and it's cool to be a slacker. Also, people start to rebel against "adults", so being favored by the teachers makes you a pet and a loser.

Also, being a smart kid made me good at video games, video game hacks and cheats, coding websites, building robots and models of things, etc, all "nerdy" things that are really cool to pretty much all kids when you're young. As you grow, most people begin to manage all the basics of these things on their own and they become much more socially oriented, and it simply becomes the bad "nerdy" to be extra good at these things.



Summer_Twilight
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18 May 2017, 11:53 am

I get jealous of the popular characters D.J and Kimmy from "Full House" and "Fuller House" as they are two characters who have been close since childhood. What's more is that Kimmy is the quirky nerd to gets to keep her loyal best friend. My childhood friend deserted me once she met her first boyfriend at age 12.

However, I have been reading that it's really common for child friends to separate once they hit 7th grade due to interests developing can go from to the left while others stay to the right.