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androbot01
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06 May 2017, 3:01 pm

So I saw my psychiatrist last week (with my mother for diagnostic purposes.) She has identified me as having ASD and mood instability. So now I am taking Effexor and Seroquel. She dropped Abilify and increased the Seroquel dosage.

I feel a bit weird and very disconnected. I think my mood is stable, but at a slightly depressed level. I think depression is a permanent part of me.

From the discussion during the appointment I have become aware that I am undesirable. This explains my failed marriage and inability to maintain another relationship. My mother revealed during the discussion that during my parents divorce my father had told her that he might like to have more children, but not with her. My father left my mother and me when I was 4 years old and I never saw much of him after that. He is dead now.

The thing is that I'm not sure what to do about my undesirability. I have spent most of my life trying to reach the standards of neurotypical behaviour and I can't do it. So I figure that I have to figure out a way to accept myself, but I'm not sure how to do that.



Britte
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07 May 2017, 1:03 am

androbot01 wrote:
I have to figure out a way to accept myself, but I'm not sure how to do that.


This might seem a bit basic, and, I haven't experienced the same circumstances you mention, but, perhaps you could find a way to shift your thoughts from the undesirability you perceive, to thoughts of your strengths you might expand on, or positive attributes you possess (which do exist, as I have witnessed, via your posts). Perhaps there is something you excel at, or simply enjoy taking part in, such as art or music or building things, or helping others in some form or fashion. Perhaps, simply writing them down would be helpful in shifting your self-perceptions. From there, you might consider pursuing activities that would require your strengths and/or attributes, etc. If you engage in activities that provoke positive thoughts about yourself, on a regular basis, perhaps, it will condition you to perceive yourself as desirable, which, then, could manifest as self-acceptance, and, inevitably, have a positive impact on the course of your life, going forward...



androbot01
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07 May 2017, 6:19 am

Britte wrote:
androbot01 wrote:
I have to figure out a way to accept myself, but I'm not sure how to do that.


This might seem a bit basic, and, I haven't experienced the same circumstances you mention, but, perhaps you could find a way to shift your thoughts from the undesirability you perceive, to thoughts of your strengths you might expand on, or positive attributes you possess (which do exist, as I have witnessed, via your posts). Perhaps there is something you excel at, or simply enjoy taking part in, such as art or music or building things, or helping others in some form or fashion. Perhaps, simply writing them down would be helpful in shifting your self-perceptions. From there, you might consider pursuing activities that would require your strengths and/or attributes, etc. If you engage in activities that provoke positive thoughts about yourself, on a regular basis, perhaps, it will condition you to perceive yourself as desirable, which, then, could manifest as self-acceptance, and, inevitably, have a positive impact on the course of your life, going forward...


I have a big angry monster inside me; where my Mom and I are living now is the other side of the fence to the Catholic Church, St. Joseph's, I keep wondering if I should inquire about an exorcism. Maybe not, I might bite the priest and he is a nice guy, always walking his old lab.

I fear that my thinking is a result in my recent decrease in anti-depressant medication. And this too makes me angry, as I hate that I am dependent not only on this medication, but by the entire infrastructure in place to maintain its production. I am dependent on society to maintain my mental health. Makes me feel like a bio-enhanced machine. I should be grateful, but in part I blame this society for my current state.



Britte
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07 May 2017, 11:55 am

Ah, I see, now. You might have given thought to this, already, but, could you ask your doctor to change the perscription, back to the higher dose you had success with? At least for the time being, to allow you the ability to experiment or devise a different strategy? You shouldn't have to be in this state, especially being aware that you could easily feel better, if perscribed the higher dosage. I've read posts where members have expressed that they have been entirely unsuccessful with antidepressents, after trying all of them. So, it would be a shame to know how you can in fact, be helped by them, yet, not be afforded that.

Not sure if you would consider the following type of modality, but, it has literally, almost entirely eliminated my symptoms of GAD and SAD and I have read some articles regarding it's effectivness for stabilizing mood and eliminating some forms of depression, and the effects can be permanent, or last several years, after EEG treatments. I highly recommend looking into it. It helped in rebalancing my brain, after a traumatic event I experienced, a few years ago. Look up Electroencepholography. Nothing to do with electric shock, etc, in case the 'Electro' aspect might be concerning to you.

Good luck with everything.



androbot01
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13 May 2017, 10:51 am

My mood seems to have stabilized at slightly less than happy. I might have to ask her for something for anxiety though, as I am constantly agitated.

I am very distracted right now by thoughts of an encounter I had yesterday with my stepmother. She disclosed to me that she has been seeing a man in her building since he lost his wife just after my Dad died (5 years ago.) She had mentioned a friend with a cat several times over the past years and I was suspicious, but did not press her. So I was not surprised to hear that she was in a relationship, which is totally fine. She has to move on with her life.

What threw me was that she also told me that she has sold the condo that her and my Dad had and has moved in with this guy (in his apartment in the building.) This is her business, but it makes me sad because I would have like to have seen my Dad's place the way it was when he was alive once more before it was gone.