So annoyed with myself, I decided to get out the house for a while (there's been a rare stretch of sunny warm weather where I'm from) and go camping for the first time in ages, and the first time ever on my own. It took a long time to work myself up to doing it, preparing what I needed to take, the route, the destination, etc. I finally left the house and basically everything felt like it was going against me.
I felt incredibly self-conscious hauling my camping gear around, as I normally hate feeling conspicuous, and I even got a couple of smart-ass remarks about it which I couldn't even work out except I could hear it was about my stuff. I got the train to the harbour where I was meant to be taking a ferry to where I was planning to camp, arriving ten minutes before departure to get a ticket, only to be told that the gangway had already been lifted so I couldn't board. The next ferry would be in a few hours but I ended up being quite rude, due to being flustered by the unexpected obstacle, at the ticket office, so I couldn't bring myself to go back there again. I ended up lagging all my stuff home in defeat, wondering why I'd even bothered to put myself out like that. Now all I have to show for my day are red marks on my shoulders and arms from all my stuff chaffing against me.
I keep trying to make myself do things other than stay at home, and even staying at home is increasingly hard due to a neighbour making constant noise upstairs, so basically I've been at a constant level of frustration and irritation for the past few months. If I stay in I end up getting wound up and unable to concentrate due to the distraction (creaking floorboards is one of the things that triggers my misophonia), but then if I go out I get overwhelmed by the sensory overload and being surrounded by people. There is literally nowhere I can reliably go anymore where I'm not bombarded with some form of stress and anxiety.
07 May 2017, 3:12 pm
