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sociallyawkwardcoffeelover
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07 May 2017, 8:20 pm

*Heads up, very long post
When I was about 4 or 5, I was diagnosed with ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome. However, I don't know if this is accurate, seeing as I mostly had autism symptoms as a kid, but I haven't in years. Nine times out of ten, I pick up on social cues and can tell if I'm liked or not. The only time I'm really socially awkward is when I'm dealing with strangers/ people i don't know well or if my anxiety is acting up. Eye contact is only an issue for me if I'm upset or if the person I'm talking to is making me feel uncomfortable.
At this point, my main problem is that I have issues with mood swings and with self esteem. I try to make friends, but it's hard to keep them when most of my memories are either negative, or are too vague to seem believable. Sometimes I get panic attacks to the point of blacking out, and by the time I snap out of it, I usually only have very vague memories of why I was stressing out. Even with happy memories, it can be difficult to remember the details correctly. It's a struggle to get what I want to say across correctly without spending a long time thinking about it.
I also get paranoid when I'm depressed or anxious and feel like I'm always being gossiped about and excluded. I also get the feeling of being followed if I drive anywhere by myself at night.
Before meds, I was mostly just depressed and anxious. Ever since I tried Celexa and Prozac, however, my moods have taken a turn for the worst. Even after months of being off these drugs, I still struggle with apathy sometimes to the point where I go three or four days without a shower, or if I'm behind the wheel, I might make mistakes without caring. Whenever I'm not feeling apathetic, I'm usually either over excited for something, balling my eyes out over something minor, or getting extremely angry over practically nothing.
Thankfully I don't have this symptom anymore, but whenever I was taking Prozac, there were some nights I couldn't sleep in a mostly dark room without seeing shadow people.
I also tried therapy for a few months, but the only thing that seemed to be accomplished was that the therapist said that I probably was misdiagnosed with Asperger's and more than likely have a learning disability. He then gave me a few sheets to fill out as part of CBT, but with my memory issues, it wasn't very helpful.



invisibleboy
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17 May 2017, 6:16 pm

Hello! I've actually been diagnosed with both Aspergers and Bipolar. I think they definitely play off of each other, at least for me. I can share my experience, but I'm not a doctor or a specialist and only know what I've experienced myself.

As I have learned to manage my bipolar disorder, I have found myself having an easier time masking the autism symptoms. I won't say they went away, because I still don't have social relationships the same as people my age who don't have autism, but I've learned how to manage emotion, I've learned to accept that I'm healthier when I don't force myself to assimilate.

For example, I've recently stopped being hard on myself for needing a LOT of time alone. When I was in university, I was hospitalized once a year and had frequent meltdowns that resulted in me isolating myself, skipping class, disappearing on people, cancelling plans. Once I graduated, I started spending a lot of time alone. Giving myself this time, I managed to have fewer bipolar episodes. It's only been two years and I still get hospitalized once a year but I have hope I'm learning how to manage and get through without needing hospitalization.

I'm kind of lucky that the field I studied and now work in is theatre, and theatre people are generally accepting of weirdness, whether my weirdness results from bipolar or aspergers. The people I've befriended while acting or writing or directing shows are some of the most fiercely loyal people I've ever met, and they seem able to deal with my infrequent contact. They have come to visit me in the hospital, and helped me make sense of things when I was diagnosed with aspergers.

It's a little hard to figure out which symptoms are from which disorder, and some of my doctors over the years have been unwilling to do this. I find when my bipolar disorder is stable, my asperger symptoms are easier to manage, I can handle more social activities, but if I push too hard, both of them will flare up.

I also find when I'm in the manic phase of bipolar disorder, the sensory sensitivities of my asperger symptoms are harder to manage but socializing is easier because I plain don't care how I come across any more. When I'm in the depressive phase, socializing is difficult and I'm prone to isolating and my anxiety is much worse.

I answered your long post with my long post but I hope something in it was helpful.


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everybody's playing the game
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sociallyawkwardcoffeelover
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17 May 2017, 7:55 pm

Does having both affect your ability to remember details in any way?



invisibleboy
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17 May 2017, 8:13 pm

I definitely have difficulty remembering details when either diagnosis is something I'm struggling with at the time. I'm not sure whether it's the bipolar or the aspergers or both, but I'm pretty sure being in either extreme mood state of bipolar disorder causes memory problems for me. I think both diagnoses can include problems with executive function. I've participated in research studies for both conditions and have seen some overlap when it comes to judging executive function. The only thing that differentiates it a little bit for me is that Aspergers is something I have had from childhood and I didn't have my first manic episode until my 20's. As a child and young adult, I had a very good memory and often replayed social situations back in my head to try and figure them out. I would remember exactly what was said, I could picture it in my head clearly. Once the bipolar disorder became prominent, I noticed this happening less and it seems to be linked to whether I'm depressed or manic at the time.


_________________
synesthete, diagnosed with ASD April 4, 2012.

everybody's playing the game
but nobody's rules are the same
nobody's on nobody's side


sociallyawkwardcoffeelover
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17 May 2017, 8:40 pm

I've noticed that whenever I'm extremely depressed or have stress induced paranoia, then it's like my short term memory just shuts down. It's almost as if I were drunk with the way my memory and balance seem to be off whenever my nerves or depression get bad enough. One time my nerves were so bad that whenever I got pulled over at 2 in the morning, I absolutely bombed a field sobriety test. Luckily the officer believed me whenever I told him it was from an anxiety attack and didn't give me any citations. I still ended up having to get my mom to park my car and give me a ride home, though.



futuresoldier1944
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17 May 2017, 9:44 pm

For those of you who are bipolar, have you have ever been really nice to somebody who you didn't know and even acted like you wanted to be their friend? But then you also became scared of becoming too close to them, especially if the person was too friendly, socially assertive, or came on too strong?

I have Asperger's and I recently kind of made a friend, a guy about my age who shares my career interests. As I have written in several posts on this forum (which is actually why I joined this forum), my friend came on strong to me during and even before our first meeting in person. He was very persistent and even pushy in getting me to meet him. And when we actually did meet, he couldn't have been nicer and friendlier to me. In fact, he actually said that I had another friend in him. I clicked with him like I have rarely clicked with somebody my age. In an online message to me before we met, he said that we were on the same wavelength. And after I met my friend, I came to believe that we really were on the same wavelength.

However, after our first outing, my friend's behavior totally changed. After our first outing, his behavior toward me was anything but strong. Because he came on strong during and before our first outing and because I developed such strong feelings for him, I came on strong to him in electronic communications, which I shouldn't have done. However, it was unintentional on my part and somewhat understandable, even though I do regret it. My friend's behavior toward me morphed into a puzzling hot to cold shift and a complete 180. My actions, which were partly a result of my Asperger's, eventually scared my friend off and caused him to break off contact with me. However, I am trying to work things out with him, though I haven't had any luck yet. I think that my friend simultaneously wanted to be friends with me, but was also scared of becoming too close to me. And I may have unfortunately pushed him over the edge by being an emotionally needy or clingy idiot, even if it was unintentional.

At first I thought that my friend may have Asperger's. But now I wonder if he may actually have bipolar disorder considering how much his behavior toward me changed. What do those of you who are bipolar think?



invisibleboy
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18 May 2017, 5:03 pm

I can't say for sure whether that person has bipolar disorder. I have had plenty of confusing social situations but I think those were due more to my diagnosis of aspergers.

Generally, when people have come on strong in social situations it has resulted in confusion for me. I wouldn't beat yourself up for that. I had one friend who I seemed to bond with almost instantly, and because of that we both shared things with each other that might have taken much longer to share in other relationships. This person ended up deciding they didn't want to be part of that friendship and I was upset for quite a while because of that. Eventually I realized that some people are just not meant to be friends like that, because since then I've had plenty of experiences where people are there for me even during hard times. Some people just have difficulty getting close to people, and it's not neccessarily due to a diagnosis.


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synesthete, diagnosed with ASD April 4, 2012.

everybody's playing the game
but nobody's rules are the same
nobody's on nobody's side


futuresoldier1944
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18 May 2017, 6:03 pm

invisibleboy wrote:
I can't say for sure whether that person has bipolar disorder. I have had plenty of confusing social situations but I think those were due more to my diagnosis of aspergers.

Generally, when people have come on strong in social situations it has resulted in confusion for me. I wouldn't beat yourself up for that. I had one friend who I seemed to bond with almost instantly, and because of that we both shared things with each other that might have taken much longer to share in other relationships. This person ended up deciding they didn't want to be part of that friendship and I was upset for quite a while because of that. Eventually I realized that some people are just not meant to be friends like that, because since then I've had plenty of experiences where people are there for me even during hard times. Some people just have difficulty getting close to people, and it's not neccessarily due to a diagnosis.


Well it's kind of hard for me to explain, but I really do believe that my new friend and I were meant to meet each other and hopefully become friends. I know that it's weird, because I've only spent a grand total of six hours with him in person. Not only was me coming on strong to him unintentional, but me opening up to him too soon was also unintentional. After my friend told me that I was coming on too strong, which itself was an example of coming on strong, for some reason I developed a strong determination or desire to explain to him why I was coming on strong. I knew that me trying to explain to him why I was coming on strong would make him uncomfortable, as it also made me myself uncomfortable. However, I really did believe that it was the right thing to do. I truly believed that my friend was owed an explanation and an apology. I also wanted to let him know how much his inviting me out and treating me like a friend even though we had just met had meant to me. Unfortunately, I must have made him too uncomfortable, even though he never came right out and told me. He told me three times that I was coming on strong or not respecting his space or overwhelming him. But he never had the courage to tell me that I was making him uncomfortable by opening up to him too much before he cut me off.

The situation between me and my new friend, if I can still really call him that, seems to be stranger than fiction. I've never had anybody do what he did at the very beginning of our relationship when he invited me to meet him and treated me like a friend and I've also never had anybody do what he did when he angrily cut off contact with me. That's why I think that my friend might have some kind of condition, whether it's bipolar or something else.