Anger, anxiety from being a scapegoat

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A couple of years ago, I had an incident in my community college as a near-direct result of my constant apprehensive state that something bad will happen. I was thinking that if I try to talk to a girl, any girl who I didn't know well, she will see my "awkwardness" due to my anxiety and she would think I am a stalker, or harasser and make a scene by yelling at me, even calling the police and get me arrested. I was not afraid of rejection, but the worse case scenario, which for me worse case scenarios were pretty often. I am not a pessimist, but when I think of the worse and best case scenario and every scenario, the worse case usually ends up happening.

There was this girl I wanted to talk to. I was afraid that if I try to talk to her the thing I was fearing would come true, so I ate my lunch in the cafeteria and I tried to find the most secluded spot where she could not see me and I could not see her to get my mind off of her to avoid approaching her and her making a scene.

After I finished my lunch, I cleaned up and I realized it was time for me to do my math exam, so I was just about to go to the Office For Students With Disabilities, when I saw her exit the same door I was going to use to exit. I hesitated for a few seconds, but I thought to myself something along the lines of Get your act together! If you don't try, you will never have any friends, just go up to her, if anything bad happens, it's because she's an as*hole and not because you have bad luck. " I was then walking in the same direction she was, still contemplating whether I should talk to her or not, but before I could finish deciding (I was leaning in the favor of not talking to her) The girl and her friend turned around and I heard them curse at someone, which I immediately presumed was me, since I was assuming the worst. I then asked nervously, "Who me?"

The girl said, "Yes, stop f****** following us around! You have been stalking us the whole time! You're Such a creep"

I told the girls, angrily, since being falsely accused of something is something that gets me angry, also, I was very nervous having a huge panic attack at the same time; "Get the f*** out of my way, I am trying to get to class!"

Then, as I tried to get past them, the girls put their arms out, blocking my way. They got into my face and said, "You have done this before, and we asked you to not follow us around."

I was having such a panic attack that I forgot meeting them a month earlier. This was the second time in my life seeing this girl and she was already assuming I was constantly following her. I told them, "No, you must have confused me for someone else."

She told me, "No! You have talked to me before and I told you clearly to leave me alone and not to follow me around!"

I told her, "Look, I don't remember you telling me that, but now I do remember speaking to you once, but not once did you ever tell me to not follow you around, or talk to you, and that was over a month ago, I haven't seen you or talked to you since, so maybe someone else is following you around, look please I need to get you class, I have an exam and now because of this I may fail!"

She then told me, "Stay the f*** away from me!"

I then shouted "F*** You!" down the hallway as my vision began turning black and I had to put my hands behind my head to prevent myself from passing out from the panic attack.

Before that incident, from when I was 15, I hardly ever talked to girls for fear they will report me for sexual harassment, since one time, when I was 15, a teacher in my special needs jokingly told me, stop being so close to me, or I will report you for sexual harassment. I knew she was joking, but when I did online research on how to get in trouble for sexual harassment, I also read that following people around is considered staling is a crime, so when I walked down the streets, I always keep my eyes down, which also prevents me form tripping on curbs, or cracks.

This joke had turned my whole life upside down, but I also overthought everything since I feared being arrested for something I didn't commit, which came from my fear of being falsely accused for something I didn't do, which came as a result of being bullied in public school from when I was 13-14.5. The bullies in the inclusion program, part of District 75 (The inclusion program is where "Special Ed" students are integrated into regular classrooms, but accompanied with a Para-Professional. Instead of going to Homeroom like the rest of my class, during Homeroom, I was to be in the inclusion room until it was time for second period.

In Second Period, was where I attended my first class. Anyway, if recess was indoors I was not allowed to go to the auditorium with the rest of my class to watch a movie.

The inclusion room was where all the bullying took place. I was often physically abused there by the bullies, but more often than not it was verbal and emotional abuse. However if the abuse got physical, but if during the assault I uttered one swear I was automatically stripped of my computer privileges and punished. I was punished for things as simply as talking back, while the bullies got away with everything like talking back, arguing, cursing threatening me, beating me, harassing me.

It's not like the director didn't see what was going on she did; It's that after I criticized her for favoring the bullies over me after I noticed a trend into my second month in the school, she began treating me much worse.

The bullying and mistreatment got so bad that on Tuesday February 15TH, 2005, an usually warm day in NYC, I was given detention for getting beaten up during a misunderstanding with another student.

Before I get into the Tuesday incident, I was let you know what happened on Thursday March 10TH, 2005. That day was cold in NYC, highs did not get above freezing only good thing it was not very windy outside. Anyway, one of the many bullies decided to take my hat off my head, play catch with the other bullies and then when the hat came back to the bully I begged him to give it back, instead he taunted me by opening the mailbox putting the hat in there, I got angry and began shouting, begging him to give it back, and that's when he threw the hat in and closed the mailbox. I wanted to report him to the police, since I knew vaguely that putting things in the mailbox that wasn't fail was a federal crime, though not a big one, later "Not a big one" meant a misdemeanor.

anyway, my para witnessed with me and I asked her to tell the director, thinking that she would have enough of a heart that she would at least discipline the bullies now considering the bullying went from superficial (Cursing, beatings) to actually loss of physical property, but I thought "Nah, if she would consider this serious to punish them, she would have punished them every time they had hit me or cussed me out in front of her .

Anyway, The director came down and I told her what happened and the director corroborated my report. Anyway, my counselor who worked with me from AHRC came down to pick me up from school and she saw me fuming mad and without a hat. Just as she was about to ask me where my hat was, I told her, "Those a******* threw my hat in the f****** mailbox! Tell my grandma that I did not lose it."

The Director promised to "Deal with it"

The next day Friday the 11TH, I was asking the director so much about punishing the bullies the way she does on an almost weekly basis, that she told me, "If you don't stop asking me, you will not use the computer during recess for the rest of the week.

Anyway, the bullies remained unpunished for everything they did up to that point in time. Even as the bullying got worse, the punishments against me were given for smaller and smaller things, to the point I would lose privileges if a bully accused me of something I didn't do, even though the director witnessed and knew the truth that I was not guilty.

When Tuesday came about. It was warm enough above 40F, so we were allowed to have recess outside. I went upstairs to grab my first down jacket to go outside for recess. I had just grabbed the jacket and was about to put it on, when I noticed the logo missing, and after checking on the inside and outside of the jacket and not seeing the logo, I realized the jacket wasn't mine. I had just put the jacket back when the bully said to me, "Why the f*** are you touching my jacket!"

Then he attacked me with textbooks and I tried defending myself, just as I was about to strike back, the director told us both to cut it out, and for the bully to get to his class since his recess was over.

I then put on my jacket and I was just about to leave, when the director told me, "You can't go outside."

I asked her why, and she told me, "Because of the fight you just had."

I told her that going outside would calm me down and that I would be further from him, and that I didn't do anything wrong for him to attack me. I then asked her, "Since I can't go outside, at least can I use the computer to calm down?"

She told me, "No, because it's your fault since you caused this by picking up his jacket."

I then said, "It was an accident and we both have the same type of jacket, It's just his doesn't have the first down sign!" (I didn't know the term logo yet) I then said, "last Thursday you let all of them get away with throwing my hat in the mailbox yet you're punishing me for just touching his jacket, when it is a F******* accident!"

She then said, "For your attitude, you will also not use the computer tomorrow."

That's when I got up and at the top of my lungs shouted, "That's f****** it!! ! I have f******* had it with you punishing me for such tiny things such as talking back, or like now being rightfully angry things I didn't do, when you are letting these pigs get away with everything they do to me. You know what, How about I will do something that will make me deserve what He did to me."

I then walked up to his jacket and said out loud, "This is for throwing my hat in the mailbox, this for getting me introuble for beating me up, and this for the bad things I know you will do to me in the future!"

I then took his jacket and began biting it to make holes in his jacket, but then the director told me, "If you don't stop, you will lose the computer for the rest of the week."

I then figured it's better not top have the bully to retaliate against me attempt at retaliation for all the crap he did to me, and in the end, there was not a scratch on his jacket. I even put it on the same hook.

Later that day, still angry about everything, but satisfied at giving that abelist piece of s*** a pierce of her mind and giving his jacket a good roughing up, I was calmer, but still angry.

Just as I was about to walk down the stairs, I felt a big shove and found myself flying/tumbling backwards down the stairs. On the bottom of the landing I landed on my back which was in a lot of pain, and so was my arms and shoulders from the fall. Just as I landed, my para, who was basically the only friend I had and the only one I ever trusted called the bullies name as he ran down the hallway to get to the other side to catch his bus.

My Para told the director what happened, to which she replied to me, "Looks like someone told "him" what you did to his jacket."

I "knew" it was her, since she was the only one who witnessed the event, but the other person was the only one who never picked on me, so I considered him to be my "friend" when the correct term was acquaintance, I used friend broadly from anyone who knew you, and you knew them, and you occupied the same space together and talked to each other sometimes.

When I told her, "You told him, didn't you?!"

She then said smugly, "No, guess who else was in the classroom with us."

She was referring to that boy who's name I forgot since he never really picked on me, and I didn't talk or interact with him much, but she was telling the truth, but when people did nad things to me, she had a smug attitude about it. It made me angry since I felt that she enjoyed seeing me suffer and that smugness, though I didn't know what her attitude was called back then made me really feel she truly hated and despised me being disabled and much lower than her than a "Neurotypical" and trying to prove her the truth and being morally and intellectually better than her.

Then, I tried to go to the principal's office, even after being threatened to have more detentions if I went to his office without her permission. I knew why she was doing this, so I told her, "I know why you don't want me to go to the principal's office. You want (Bully's name) to get away with it and you don't want to get in trouble when I will tell him all the times you neglected me when I was being abused by doing nothing and discriminating against me by punishing me for no reason, while allowing them to bully me with no consequences.

She promised to "deal with him" To which I said, "Oh, like the last time you "Dealt with it. Well, maybe this time is different and took something as bad as this for you to realize the truth."

Next day when I came to school after much arguing with my parents and grandparents, both because of back pain and because I was scared that he would still be there, I went to school despite my fears and back aches. When I arrived not only was the bully in the school, he was using the computer during homeroom, while I wasn't allowed, but thankfully, "Her Majesty" changed her mind about using the computer and allowed ,e to use it during recess, while he remained unpinished as well told me, "He called his parents"

I told her, "All you did was call his parents? If I did that to him instead yesterday, you would have called the cops on me right?"

with a smug look on her face she said, "That's right!:"

That got me angry and that's when I said, "You see, you're finally telling the truth, you're finally saying that you will discriminate me for being autistic and for being Jewish!"

She then said, "I would do that because you know better than them" So looks like being punished for being bullied and for every other reason under the book is because "I know better than them!" SMT!

Anyway, I argued and told her finally, "You're punishing me because you can't punish them because they will beat you up, so you're taking it out on me"

She got upset and said that's not true at all. Why was she like this, Because she had NPD and I had to deal with more crap for refusing to her good little behaving scapegoat, so she had to make the best behaved student the scapegoat for pointing out everything that was wrong. Wish I got a camcorder and recorder all the crap I had to go through, so she got have been fired sooner rather than later. I didn't know what NPD was and it's symptoms, but it felt good putting this narcissistic fascist back in her place.

Actually, I did threatwn her that I would bring in a hidden camera to record the abuse from the bullies, and she said, "I will confiscate it if you bring it in and you won't get it back."

I told her, "it would be hidden, you wouldn't know you're being were being recorded until you will people from Shame Shame Shame knocking on your door about why you treated someone with special needs so horribly.

Anyway, the next year my luck got even worse when I was replaced with a nasty rude para who took the bullies' side when I was being picked on. When one of the bullies found out where I lived, (My fault) He asked for my address and I gave it to him, thinking that if he knows where I live and comes to my hosue to bully me, he will get arrested. Anyway, The director told me smugly, "Guess where "he" (different bully from 2004-2005, that bully went on to high school) went today?"

I asked her "where did he go"

She said, "What, you don't remember getting visited by him?"

I then shouted, "Wait?! He went to my apartment?!"

She said yes, "Yesterday in the middle of the day he just left class and when we found him, He was at your apartment saying he was going to get you."

Even the bully and the director were both smug about what would have been me getting attacked in my own home, it's like she enjoyed telling me about this.

Anyway, he buzzed the wrong apartment, since someone in the building had the same last name as me, but I lived with my maternal grandparents who had a different surname from mine.

Actually the police almost had to be called, but thankfully for him, he was carted off from school.

I later discovered he had IED since his emotions swung widely from hyper to angry. He would have huge, huge meltdowns over the tiniest thing, flipping over tables screaming at the top of his lungs, go full on rage. He was the only "bully" to explode on others and not only me. The other Bullies always singled me out like the director and the para I had during the 2005-2006 school year.

In my next school a special needs school I basically fled to, to escape the bullying, I thought I was going to get treated better, since I expected people to relate to what I went through since one of the requirements of going to the school was making a video about yourself. I made the video and I told them about my knowledge about meteorology, and how the only thyings that get me angry is bullies, being lied and falsely accused of doing something I didn't do and being punished for it and people being "mean" to me.

The school accepted me, but it was a four month long process to get me into the school and my mom had to hire a lawyer to get me into the school. By spring of 2006, my mental state (Anxiety) got so bad that my mom pulled me out of the school due to a severe outbreak of OCD which I did to break what I believed was reverse karma and an endless cycle on bad luck which I began in Summer of 2005, which coincided with my abusive relative moving out, getting their room and getting own tv, computer, video game console and cable channels from the building. All this happened within 4 months of beginning my anti-bad luck rituals, which I realized was called OCD when I did research online to see if anti bad luck rituals are normal or not. I was given search for OCD, and when I reviewed the symptoms I had nearly all of them, especially that it ties into ADHD and autism which I also had and knew I had it.

After I reduced the amount of rituals since my parents were now constantly scrutinizing me to stop my rituals and I argued with them that if I don't do rituals bad things would happen like more fights in the house hold.

I then did experiments where I did and didn't do rituals for several days and I noticed that on days I rituals correctly there were little if no arguments at all. But on days I reduced, or didn't do my rituals my grandparents got into heated arguments.

Anyway, I got accepted into the school where my records indicated that I was bullied in my previous school, but the extent never got disclosed, but what did get released was my triggers which is being falsely accused of something I didn't do, which they noted, not directly, but it said something like (One of Arthur's triggers is he believes he is being falsely accused and punished for something he didn't do.) It never mentioned anger issues since I never had broke property or got in actual trouble for fighting, but it was mentioned that most of my emotional distress came form bullying.

Some of the residential staff knew my history of OCD and how I still felt if I didn't do my rituals bad things would happen to me. Anyway, In the school students who are misbehaving, especially ones who pose a danger to themselves or others, or are on the verge of a meltdown to calm themselves down. Known as "Making a pose"

By putting your knees to your chest in the middle of the floor is usually used as a self restraint to prevent an outburst, but residential staff Also did it to some students who they felt were being disobedient, rebellious, or just annoying.

For me, since I considered the pose to be a punishment since my back hurt from the fall in February of 2005, and even in September of 2006, my lower back still hurt from the fall.

On the evening of Tuesday December 5TH, 2006, I was asked at two minutes to 9:30 to have our assembly before bedtime. I didn't want to be late, so I did as I was told and I put my books away, this time not doing rituals since I was warned that if I did rituals, I would have to make a pose for 5 minutes. Anyway, I did EXACTLY as I was told and came back within 30 seconds of putting my homework I was doing that was given to me by my tutor.

I came back with still one minute until the assembly. I sat down quietly on the couch with my group for the assembly. As soon as the assembly ended, just as I was about to go to sleep. A staff member walked up to me a I was asked by him to sit down and make a pose because he said, "I hesrd you doing rituals while you were putting away books".

I told him, "You see, bad things happen when I DON'T do rituals and thank you for proving my point. Anyway, that sound you were hearing was me opening the closet door to put my books away and then closing it ONCE, then coming back and sat down. So basically you're punishing me for following directions, just like those a******* did in my last school."

He then told me, when I finished saying that, he said, "Arthur please sit on the floor and make a Pose. And for talking back to me, I will extend the time for how long you will have to make a pose.

I then asked him, "How long is it for?"

He told me, "Until I say so."

I then ask him, "what if you never ask me to go."

Then he said, "Guess you will have to sleep sitting on the floor making a pose then."

I knew what sarcasm was, but what he told me got me upset and I knew from my experiences and my luck that was likely going to happen.

About 10 minutes into making a pose, (which was long by any standard, especially a student who was not having a meltdown, or even close to having one. But, I was still annoyed, but not to the point of blowing up.) I asked, I have been sitting here fir 10 minutes for something I didn't even do, can I please go to bed now. I am tired.

Then he told me, "For talking out of turn, I am extending the time you will be making a pose. Keep talking and you will probably sit here the whole night. If you are quiet I may let you go early, and back off the wall." (They knew about my back issue and made it especially difficult for me as they wanted it to be especially uncomfortable for me since they felt I was in the wrong for talking back to them.

I then decided to sit quietly hoping I can go to bed soon. The longest I had seen anyone make a pose was about 10 minutes and that was during a huge meltdown.

When I looked at the clock on the wall, I had realized about 30 minutes had passed and now it was 10:10 and I had asked to go back to bed and again he told me he will extended the time how long I will be making a pose.

Anyway, after some arguing and attempts to reason with these nt's fascists, I told them at 10:40 over an hour past my bedtime, that if I had to sit any longer, I was going to give them a good reason for making me make a pose for so long. After they told me they will extend it further, I began banging the wall as loud as I can, hoping to crack it to make my mark of discontent for injustice visible for all to see, but also to make them realize they weren't going to win this.

After IU punched a 3x4 inch hole that was about 6" deep, they finally let me go to bed, At 10:45, I fell asleep by about 11:00

My fear is that if I don't my OCD rituals that my worst fear will come true, (as even recently I made a bunch of optimistic and pessimistic predictions when I do and don't do OCD rituals. Whenever I don't do my rituals nearly all the predictions I made when not doing OCD rituals came true, until I start doing the rituals again.) and that one day, I may end up in prison or worse all because of a false accusation, or a reaction to a false accusation, or misunderstanding that could arise from me overthinking things, which I all the time, especially during social interaction.

You should post a TLDR version