Hello everyone! A curious cat here.

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Hi all! I'm a new user, although actually I've been lurking around this forum for quite a while.

I was never diagnosed with ASD before. My diagnosis was borderline personality disorder plus depression and anxiety, but after hearing that women with Asperger syndrome are often misdiagnosed with BPD, I started doing research on ASD out of curiosity. However it leads me to realise that I have traits that are common in/stereotypical of people with ASD but not so much to those with BPD and have been around since I was a kid, such as:

- I have very intense and often specific interests and obsessions, some of them continually changing (from dinosaurs to Yu-Gi-Oh! cards to a certain Latvian soprano) but some have remained constant over the years (books, MBTI, word etymology, my inner fantasy world, and one or two fandoms). I would collect information about those interests and continually re-organising and reviewing them.

- As a child I was too eager to tell people that I knew things (not intentionally showing off, I just got Overly Excited when something I was interested in or knew a lot about was mentioned). I interrupted teachers and butt into conversations to correct people. I didn't know it was rude! Now that I know, I try to avoid it, but I think I still repeat myself a lot when I'm excited and sometimes but into other people's conversation because it's too interesting.

- I've always had problems with social interactions even since I was young. I suck at doing eye contacts. I never understand the point of doing them as long as I listen to the person talking to me. I've learnt that it's necessary and try to consciously do it, but according to my friends I still don't do it.

- I have problems with varying my tone and prosody too. When I was a kid, I was often told that I talked too formally with a monotonous voice. I liked using big words and phrases I found in books. I also genuinely can't tell if I'm speaking too loudly or softly. And while my voice is most of the time monotonous and low and soft, when I'm excited I tend to speak very fast, louder, more animatedly, even with exaggerated gestures and in a more high-pitched voice. When I do it, I'm often not conscious of it, but I realise it since some people have pointed it out.

- I get confused by nonverbal cues in communication as well. My logic is that if I want to say something, I say it, not hint it. I often can't tell if someone is being genuinely nice or fake-nice-so-to-be-less-offensive. I can't read the nuances in people's expressions.

- I'm also told by my parents and friends that I come across as very emotionally detached, not showing any expression unless I'm experiencing a particularly intense emotion, like anger or grief or joy. To be fair, I don't really understand my emotions either. Everything that stands between the extreme ends of the emotional spectrum is "blah" to me. But then again, that may be the BPD in me.

- I'm rather sensitive to loud sounds. If I have to be in a crowded place for a prolonged time I just shut down... I often can't concentrate on what someone says to me because I get distracted by background sounds. Although the aversion to crowded place may be due to anxiety as well.

- I'm also clumsy. I trip and crash into things and drop things a lot because my limbs seem to be able to move on their own, like they have their own minds. It's a wonder that I spent two years in a dance extracurricular activity (it was a torture though).

- Lastly, I also have difficulty remembering phone numbers, faces, personal experience, and important dates. (But those might have got something to do with poor autobiographical memory in BPD, it's apparently quite common due to dissociation) and assessing distance, age, depth, speed. I'm still very new to this field, but I read that although those aren't diagnostic criteria, they're pretty common among people with ASD. I also often repeat what someone else says involuntarily, and I like to repeat interesting quotes and song lyrics to myself. I'm still not sure what echolalia is like, but from what I understand so far, it sounds like it?

I'm still not sure if I'm on the spectrum or not, but I finally decided to join this forum because I want to learn more about ASD, and maybe from there I can be sure whether I'm on the spectrum or not. I want to be more informed before consulting a professional for a diagnosis--and where I'm from (Indonesia) the stigma surrounding autism and mental illness are still very bad, so I'm still reluctant about telling someone in real life about my doubts. In addition, I'm still a student, dependent on my parents who don't even make the effort to know more about BPD and depression even after my therapist talked to them. I doubt they're going to trust me.

Whew, that's much longer than I intended to. I hope that's not too much... if I said anything wrong I'll edit my post accordingly. I'm still very new to the topic of ASD, so I'm eager to learn a lot from all of you, particularly those who find out they have ASD in adulthood. (And hopefully get to know some people as well )

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

welcome